To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

You win at teen parenting today! Love this advice

No real answers OP, but I really sympathise. Don't let anyone tell you it's your fault - fact is, some children are much more hard work than others. Hopefully she'll grow out of it when she hits the real world.

I am wondering if she has felt displaced ever since her little sister arrived. She had you all to herself for seven years and might have seen the new baby as taking everything away from her. Even down to being told she cannot do something 'because of the baby' or being disturbed at night from the inevitable crying. Perhaps she still has feelings of resentment to this day?
If this is the case, it's really important that she is able to speak freely about this without being told 'You're just jealous' or asked 'But don't you love your sister?'. She needs to be heard and understood if this is how she has felt for the last ten years.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing her dreadful behaviour at all. It was just the first thought that occurred to me when you mentioned she thinks her sister is preferred.

Ive not RTFT but read all ops posts.

OP, this sounds like me as a teenager, not something I’m proud of, but I was an arsehole, only to close family and very close friends though, if I wasn’t close to them then they seen the angel me.

I had the same into adulthood, causing arguments with those I love, I’m now highly medicated and have had to have lots of CBT and counselling to understand why I feel the way I do.

Dont get me wrong, I have 2 teens and have met many, they can be absolute horrors, but not all the time and certainly not to this extent. I really think you need to assume that there is something else going on, has she ever had anything traumatic gone on in her life? It sounds like she was used to be an only child until she was around 7 years old, not saying that’s what it is, but since she’s mentioned issues with her younger sister I wouldn’t disregard it.
Mental health conditions can arise from seemingly minor things and then manifest so much we don’t even know the reason for our issues until we’ve dug really deep with a therapist.

I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and Emotionally unstable personality disorder when I was 25, but looking back to my teenage years, it’s certainly now obvious in hindsight that my mental health was a massive contributor for my behaviour.

Please don’t disregard her and celebrate her leaving home, if she does have any mental health concerns, she’s going to need a massive amount of help to get the best of her future, if she has any undiagnosed mental health concerns that don’t get addressed, her future will be totally miserable, for her, and for everyone else.

Get her a referral to CAMHS, not all badly behaved teenagers are badly behaved for no reason whatsoever

Just to reassure you that while this is not behaviour typical of all teenagers, it is certainly typical of many. And no, it does not make you a bad parent.

Teenagers brains are still developing and the part of it which makes them nice people haha is very much only partially developed. It may help you to read up on the adolescent changing brain.

Her behaviour is horrendous, essentially you are being abused in your own home which is awful.

I would encourage you to do less for her, and lots of praise on the (very rare) occasion when she is polite and reasonable.

Also, do less with her. Don't force family get-togethers as clearly these are very strained. Put self respect first, do things by yourself and for yourself, with your partner only, and with your other daughter both mother & daughter and parents and daughter. I mean, it could be a movie on a night that the ratbag daughter is out, or a shopping trip for clothes for her... it needn't be obviously exclusive. The point is to find ways to enjoy family life despite the tumult of the 17yo's presence.

Guaranteed, she will come back to you once she's been away for a year or two. It is difficult to believe, I know, but they can morph into gorgeous, mature creatures by 19, 20. x

WinterDeWinter has given some good advice imo. As a formerly challenging teen, I can wholeheartedly say that difficult behaviour like this is communication. I don't know what is the root cause of it from the OP's posts, whether it's family environment, school or something else entirely, but she isn't happy and needs someone to talk to about this. From the sounds of it there is a mismatch in communication that is resulting in a lot of tension and I don't think wheeling out the big guns with punishment is the way to go about fixing it. She's almost an adult, she can learn to communicate like one (albeit a younger adult). She deserves and needs your help, and you also need to recognise that the things you say and do may not have the intended effect on her. I would recommend some kind of listening or communication course via a relationship or family therapist to at least open the channels of communication on everyone's part, and from there hopefully figure out if there is a deeper root cause that needs addressing. The key thing is to recognise this isn't a problem with her being a teen or a shitty person, but have the humility to recognise that it's a problem with your and her communication first and foremost, and then see if there's anything more to it. Wishing you luck.

Instead of thinking that you have lost the money, I would see it as an investment in your daughters character. People treat us however we allow them to, and its really that simple.

My son is 7 and I wouldn't even pander to his culinary requirements. He gets what he gets for dinner and there are no other options.

I would sit down with your daughter and tell her that you are her mother and you won't be tolerating her behaviour anymore. Give her a chance to change or else the trip is off. I think it's important to give her the chance to change things.

If she is still behaving like this, then the trip is off: she will have had her chance by then. It sounds like you are a lovely person who is trying really hard to be the best parent you can be.

You need to dig deep inside and find your anger. You are her parent and she should show you respect! This seems to have gone missing from the relationship and its up to you to enforce it. She actually needs you to take the lead on this and reestablish boundaries and what treatment you are willing to accept. It's in her best interests that you put your foot down.

Teens are just wretched sometimes! It sounds so relentless with her, though, and that’s what’s so exhausting and hard. My DS is 15 and I could cheerfully strangle him sometimes…but he does have moments where he’s funny and caring that balance it out.

It sounds like you’re doing your best and I don’t have any advice, but you’re not alone.

She sounds incredibly immature. She’s almost an adult, I would never of spoke to my mum like that at 17, I thought you were going to say she was 13/14! We had moments but at that age I was working part time waitressing and babysitting, doing A-Levels, doing my own washing and cooking, and helping out round the house.

I really think she should get a part time job it will teach her responsibility, maybe she could save the money for the trip.

It does sound like you pander to her, and some of her punishments sound a bit childish like taking her phone and Nintendo, maybe she feels suffocated? Make her start standing on her own two feet, doing her own cooking and getting a job and make a condition of the trip that she saves up spending money, it might help her grow up a bit.

I've got 3, 1 of which is still a teenager. Had the usual teenage ups and downs but in no way is OPs DD behaviour normal.

This may be counter to all MN holds dear, but pull way, way back on the emotional support. Anecdotal I know, but all the kind, decent parents I know who are “always there for their kids” and provide intense emotional support throughout their kids’ lives, have anxiety-ridden, incompetent rude, disrespectful brats for teens.

Parents should always provide background love, and intense emotional support during crisis situations only. Never day to day emotional support. She sounds like she has a stable, comfortable life. She doesn’t need it and should be managing everyday upsets and situations herself. She may see you as her support human to be drained and disrespected.

Sympathy OP. Older teens really know how to push the buttons. It's a pity you can't pull the school trip without losing the cash but there seems to be quite a bit of scope for not paying for other stuff. Unfortunately it does seem to be the only way to reach some of them.

In fairness refusing to give lifts, money etc, resulted in my dd escalating her behaviour, and becoming angrier and more resentful. It never ever resulted in positive change. Punishment just doesn't work with children who are acting out because of trauma/mental illness.

I'd recommend that you look into autism in girls. Your DD's behaviour is typical of many autistic girls. Sounds like she 'masks' at school and with her friends and tries to impose control at home with her family, particularly in unpredictable situations such as family outings and holidays. Her behaviour around mealtimes and restricted eating is recognisable too. Have a look at some of the posts on the SEN boards.

This!

Shitty, abusive thinking.

That’s fine. You go ahead and provide intense therapeutic support to your kids for their day to day small ups and downs in life, and I will not. One of us will produce resilient well-rounded kids who can manage the small stuff themselves and one won’t.

One of us will produce resilient well-rounded kids who can manage the small stuff themselves and one won’t.

Yes, that is true.

I wonder how it might work if you were to seek an appointment with her Guidance teacher at work. Make her aware of course. Say ýou cannot understand her behaviour at home so you are going to check if anything is happening for her at school etc
The other thing you could maybe do is give her her own small food cupboard and fridge space. I mean to.prepare her for Uni etc and cut down meal aggro. Maybe 2/3 times a week

Give her a dawn good talking to.Really tell her how it is.Don't hold back.
Tell her you want a change with immediate effect or there will be no trip.
don't let her flounce out mid conversation.be
once she has apologised then hug her,tell her you love her and want to be a family.

I would take her to therapy before trying anything else.

This may well be beyond normal teenage rebellion or being "spoiled."

She might have a mood disorder or some other unrecognized problem. If so, clamping down on her and punishing her could have terrible results.

Shoving? Shoving? But the "loving her sister more" comment might give some insight. She is behaving in way that suggests she feels herself to be unloveable and going hammer and tongs to prove it. On the one hand I agree with cancelling the US trip and stripping her of all her privileges because she is out of order. But on the other it might be worthwhile taking her out for a day just you two, as a treat and seeing if she will soften or open up in some way? I feel for you all because life must be hell in the home.

Lord, read your post to yourself. You are pandering to her. You give her the power for all these choices and fail to realise you are the parent. Stop with asking what she will eat. Honestly, put the foot down. I have two teenagers- I insist on dishwasher loaded and unloaded, rooms cleaned, bathrooms done etc. There is zero discussion around food choices. None. My house, my rules.

What is the point in describing it as "normal" or not-normal?
Obviously most adolescents are not berating and insulting their parents all the time, but all of us must have known some kids from schooldays who were a nightmare but calmed down later? Even if we were nice. Teenagers can be lovely, but in my experience, a lot of them have reduced empathy for their own family when they start to be of the age that they want to become part of other groups and friends become priority.

Your daughter is trying to bully you. That doesnt mean you cant turn it around. There is a certain level of basic respect and manners that the entire family need to show each other, and that includes her. She needs to accept That youre all trying to just live together, and shes big enough to move out, so to buck her ideas up, stop stropping about, bringing the mood down and killing the vibe and making it unpleasant. That every utterence shes making is negative, rude and unpleasant lately, and she needs to either talk to you, or somebody else about it, because shes bordering on abusive.
I do think its more common than some of you here might realise. Teenagers can be so ridiculously dramatic, emotional, volatile, angry, and they often dont seem to have a sense of consequence. Its all very short term.

Also anecdotally, but the parents I know who didn't bother with emotional support now have adult hildren lacking self esteem, depression and other mental health problems, problems with socialising with others and in some cases substance abuse.

Think I'd take the "disrespectful brats" as teens personally. Especially as many "disrespectful teen brats" turn into perfectly charming young adults by late teens/early twenties.