To dislike my teenage daughter

[Iwishitwasdifferent]

Shes spoilt, rude and downright unkind to me. She can ruin any occasion with her behaviour and just doesn’t seem to care about me or the rest of her family.

Me, my DH (her dad) and her youngest sister who is 10 suffer as a result of her behaviour everyday and it’s getting to the point where we are all on countdown as to when she will leave home. She’s 17 so if she goes to university it will be in the next year or so.

I can see how this sounds and if I was reading it I would think what an awful thing for a parent to write. Background is she has always been a much loved child and DH and I have provided a loving secure home. DH and I both worked part time so there would always be a parent at home which meant DD always had friends back, was able to do lots of clubs and has an active social life. We have paid for her to attend clubs at school and this year are paying for her to go on a school trip to USA. We are not rich by any means so have explained to DD this will mean cutting back in other areas.

I don’t expect any praise or credit from DD for being a decent parent but I have told her I don’t expect to be treated like shit, which we all are.

Went to the theatre on Boxing Day and DD spent the whole time moaning about something or other, why had we got this train and not another one, why were our seats so crap, why couldn’t we pay £14 for a small coke for her, then moaning about the restaurant after, the food was crap, the service was crap etc etc My other DD and I needed the loo and she even moaned about that “why did we not have control of our bladder” this was our first trip to the loo in about 5 hours!

She insults my appearance asking why I don’t dye my hair, why I wasn’t wearing makeup, criticising my clothes and calling DH a “short man”. She feels it is ok to say all these hurtful things despite having parents who love her and try to do the best for her.

I just dislike her so much and am so concerned that this is who she is and will never change. Her personality is just awful. Friends tell me it’s because she’s a teenager but does this mean all teenagers are cruel?

At 17, if she doesn't want your dinner option, get her to make something herself?!

Hi OP. I too think there is something more going on with your DD than just bad behaviour. I am the eldest of 2 girls and to this day am reminded of what a horrible teenager I was. What was really going on was I was the scapegoat and my sister was the golden child. I was also told she was nicer than me and better behaved etc. All this did was ramp up my bad behaviour. Whilst on the outside I was “spoilt” as I had material things, all I actually ever wanted was my parents, and in particular my mothers approval and for her to see me as my own person, that because I didn’t fit the mould into what she believed was a “good” daughter didn’t actually mean I was a bad daughter either. I’m now late 40s and the impact this has had on my life can not be underestimated.

I would urge you to navigate a way to communicate with your DD to find out what she needs rather than berating and punishing her. I wish you well OP.

I wasn’t this bad - and I’d NEVER take personal hits at my mum re: her appearance. After all, she didn’t go through 9 months of pregnancy and hours of labour for me to be a little shit. BUT,
I was a pain in the ass and it makes me shudder to think back occasionally.

It sounds like she could be battling a few demons. By that I mean her mental health - she just doesn’t know or want to express that (pride/sign of weakness?) Speak to her. Explain any expenditure will stop. In adult life actions have consequences and you and DH do not care about money - you care about the level of respect you deserve as her caring parents. Explain you’re there for her whatever - and you’ll support her however you can, but this is a bloody important life lesson. You won’t pay for her when she’s treating the family with utter contempt -

To add the way you deal with this almost sets a precedent for the younger sister; her boundaries and what she views as acceptable (I saw this play out in my own home).

You’ll be okay, I’m sending a hell of a lot of patience and don’t apologise for saying what you’ve said - she’s very nearly an adult… just not a very nice one just at the minute. Set your boundaries and if they’re breached - there will be consequences, steadfast. But again, you’re also her biggest supporter of she needs help and is willing to help herself

I’m a mum myself now and I so regret being a little a-hole.

Maybe she’s simply entitled and spoilt, but I agree with @floofyhouse and @WinterDeWinter that whilst it’s important to be firm about acceptable behaviour, neutrality is key to an angry teen as is understanding there may be deeper issues at play.

Does autism run through either of your families? Girls mask better than boys, but challenges with understanding other’s perspectives is often common. Plus, teens on the spectrum often develop their executive function later.

Whilst I fully sympathise on the parenting frustrations in how she’s reacting to everything through a ‘me’ filter, are you too reacting to her through a ‘me’ filter? Look through some of the sen threads. Lots of helpful advice there.

It sounds to me like she doesn't get any meaningful punishment for such poor behaviour. She has stepped over the line of acceptable behaviour many times in your post but you haven't mentioned what you did.

Teenagers can be bloody horrible, but they generally also balance it by being bloody wonderful too.

Honestly I would consider getting her some form of counselling or therapy. It sounds like she has a deep resentment or at least anger issues.

With things like her behavior at restaurants/shoes etc. I would simply stop inviting her and if she gets upset explain how her behavior ruins the experience. If she wants to join in next time she can improve her attitude at home. For things like dinner, she's 17, if she doesn't like what's on the table, she can make her own.

My experience is that teenagers who are scared, bullied or threatened into covering up their pain can really explode the family at a later point of crisis.

They'll appear to comply now when you threaten to remove something they desperately need - but whatever the hurt is is simply repressed till they have the psychological wherewithal to remove themselves entirely in their late twenties-early thirties, by which time it has been compounded by rage.

She sounds like a mardy arse brat to me, and I'd be telling her that if she wants to go on the trip to USA, she needs to find the remaining 40% of the cost herself, or she won't be going!

And @Iwishitwasdifferent , if she really has always been the same, then you have made a serious error in not getting her good psychotherapy when she was much younger. I am certain that the psychotherapist would also have recommended parentwork of some kind too.

We're meant to be the adults here right? Can you please explain what positive or constructive outcome you expect to acheive by calling a child a brat? If you can think of none then I don't think you're in any position to assasinate someone else's character, particularly a person who's brain hasn't yet fully developed

I think family counselling might help. It would help by having another person there to mediate a bit.

But you’d need to go all in - outlining to DD that the consequences for her behaviour will need ramping up if she won’t accept she needs to change.

All that being said, have you ruled out possible SEND? Autism in girls can be quite effectively masked by the young person and then come out with a full blown melt down/seemingly rude behaviour because the young person is simply trying to control the amount of stress in their environment.

Does she have poor executive functioning skills? Can she play what she needs for the next day? Can she easily tidy her own space etc or does she seem to struggle with day to day planning?

Does she struggle with social cues and communication in general?
Does she seem to be anxious/on edge a lot?

*can she PLAN what she needs for the next day (wish there was an edit button)

My friend had two daughters the older one being an utter nightmare, actually far, far worse than the OP's from about the age of 14 till about 19.
Her parents were/are good people and years on the DD is intensley embarrased by her behaviour as a teen.
The main cause of her behaviour it transpires was down to a hormone imbalance and depression. Her hormones evened out on the pill and she still takes anti depressants, but until it was "sorted" she put her parents through pure hell.

Re the trip - as she's doing well at school and gets on well with her friends and has been concerned about her mocks, then it would be completely the wrong thing to do to stop her going on the trip.

Wrt. pp saying that at 17 , you're nearly an adult, I think the more recent psychological literature shows that actually, particularly in 1st world country, there is a developmental phase from 18- 25 of "developing adulthood" or something like that

My 3 teens have their ups and downs but nothing like this. My eldest is 17 and can be difficult at times.
I definitely would not be rewarding this behavior with a trip to the USA. There needs to be consequences or she'll end up being an unpleasant adult if you let her get away with it.

I’ve just read your post- Interesting how we both thought the same thing.
I have a DD who has been very similar to the OP’s DD and who doesn’t currently want diagnosing, but has mentioned in our chats in the past that she thinks she might be autistic.

My daughter wasn't this bad as a teen but she did get away with everything, no consequences as I always felt guilty. She has become more and more like this just since my grandchild was born. My daughter is 30 and grandchild is 3. She has pretty much blown our family apart with her behaviour and her abusive behaviour toward me. And it is abuse - watches me, corrects me, mocks me, speaks to me like I'm dirt and now severely limits our access to child (after I finally reacted), making it as hard and uncomfortable as possible. Never saw this coming. I hope yours sorts herself out.

OP has she ever been assessed for ADD or ADHD? My 17yr old son has ADHD and a some of what you’ve described is evident in his behaviour - he was assessed by different therapists in Grade 2 so we have largely learned over the years how to read, understand and manage his behaviour so that we don’t all spiral out of control. It can be exhausting and soul destroying at times but we haven’t ever reached a point where we’ve wanted him to leave home. Having him assessed was key to us understanding him better - I honestly think you should consider this for all your sanity.

id recommend …

arranging a counsellor for her through school or privately. Talk to pastoral staff in school. Give her help lines. She seems to be feeling really rubbish about things and needs help to unpick her feelings.

find a shared interest or hobby that you can do together alone regularly. your DH should do the same. Have quality 1:1 time daily. Connect.

focus on the things you like about her, find small reasons to thank her. Send her little messages of love.

all behaviour comes from somewhere, so try to get to the bottom of things. The issue could be image or social or school or hormonal based.

No, not normal at all

Wow… Here is an example of where you might be going wrong. “She asks what’s for dinner. I tell her. She screams “I won’t be eating that.” I offer her an alternative.”
You should probably just say, “Okay.” and keep cooking whatever you’d planned.
Why is she ruling the family with toddler tantrums? Because she can.

Anxiety around food maybe? If flashpoints are hotel, supper and holiday (lack of usual control over meals). I lost a lot of teenage years angsting over tiny amounts of fat etc.. can see same traits emerging in my teen DD and am trying very very hard to keep discussions around food very non emotional/judgmental as my mum alternately rejoiced that I was focused on staying slim/losing weight and worried about consequences of an ED. Also worse at exam times.
Good luck, we haven’t reached 17 yet and I already feel like it’s been a (second hand) emotional rollercoaster.

Is she like this in the summer holidays when there is no school and things are more relaxed?

It could've been me writing this 17 years ago 😔 My DD was exactly the same - I tried to get help from my GP initially, only to be told it was "normal teenage behaviour" - at the age of 10. After several attempts I was made to feel it was simply my parenting that was at fault. Eventually a different doctor referred her to a child psychologist but she refused to attend.

Anyway, long story short - DD was finally diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last year, is on mood stabilising meds and anti depressants, and with therapy is being taught how to handle her emotions in a more appropriate manner.

What I'm trying to put across is that it may be her mental health that's the issue, not her upbringing, so that's something to bear in mind. Perhaps her school could help in the first instance? Sorry, I'm totally out of touch with how it works now, but I'm sure someone could advise.

Good luck, OP. You and your DD may have a long road ahead of you but with the right support in place you'll get there. Don't give up x

@FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall this is such a positive post! How did you turn things around or did time and maturity help?

I am currently struggling with my 15 year old dd. Like the OP I’ve let things slide because I’m too nice. She’s autistic though so things aren’t that clear cut. She often sounds very spoilt, rude and demanding. But when shes calm she can actually be very pleasant and appreciative.