DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

Now he comes along cheerfully, and is happy to have lunch in the museum cafe, chats away about the exhibition to the DC, talks about their ideas and listens to them. It’s made life a lot more fun.

So he is fine to leave the house for days out. He is just displaying PDA in regard to the house?

Taking away his toys is not the answer. After all of these years his behavior is not likely to change.
You will most likely need to make your peace with him as he is, if you want to stay with him.
Your love for him seems to be greater than your need for additional income and a well maintained house and home.

There is no shame in that being your standard. He does not appear to have misled you about his ability or intentions to function as a fully contributing member of your household. He may be a deadbeat in many respects, but he is the deadbeat that you love.

Why punish him by preventing
him from making one of the few contributions that he brings to the table?

You can't fix things or tidy up because he shouts but you think you'll take away his gardening equipment? Grow up.
You're not his DM. You don't confiscate his 'stuff'. You leave the relationship. Or if you somehow think it can be saved, you tell him he needs a job by Feb. And if he doesn't get one, it's over.
Counselling might help you to communicate, establish boundaries and change this dysfunctional dynamic.

Get rid, don't subject your poor children to this, it's borderline abusive. I was unable to bring friends home as a child due to the state of our house and it had a really big impact on me. I was beyond embarrassed and self conscious. It lost me friends as I couldn't keep going round to others without a turn at having them at mine, it was embarrassing, so I just drifted from them. Please stop subjecting your children to this.

If your husband gave a shit about his family then he'd step up. As it is, he's been allowed o drift along living off you and not giving a shit about anyone but himself.

Wow @toocold54 thats a bit grim!

You've put up with this for 18 years??? So you honestly think the benefit of not divorcing for your children's sake outweighed having to live on 1 wage in squalor with someone who doesn't want to do anything apart from trim a path? Christ, you need help as much as him. I know this is rolled out a lot on here and I roll my eyes a lot but I really do think your husband is autistic or severely neurodiverse with something. His behaviour is in no way normal. How you've put up with this so long I have no idea??? I'd have divorced about 16 years ago, 2 years I'd have given him to step up, no changes on your bike, I think 2 years is generous. You would have met someone else and would have a lovely house and life by now, the difficulty you describe would have been short term.

Lock his tools away if it makes you feel better, it isn't going to improve your life though.

How can you have any shred of respect for this 'man'?

So in a way you taking responsibility for clearing the crap is just giving him carte blanche to continue. This is a really tricky one. I hope the thread is giving you food for thought about your life together, it has obviously been extremely difficult for you beyond what ordinary mortals could accept and you have found a way to accept it given that you love him. To the rest of us, those 'crumbs' of coming out on day trips willingly now seem like poor compensation.
I have left an abusive marriage and I am going over your position in my mind to assess if it is abusive or not? I'm not sure, but I am sure that there seems to be no kindness or consideration coming from him that I've seen so far. All on his terms.

The space will fill up with something else - old gas containers or whatever.

He won't change so you need to find a way of living with it.

Every three to four months you are just going to have to organise rubbish collection for the front garden. Only telling him just before they arrive.

You need to talk to him about sorting out the structural issues with the house, make it very clear what needs to be done first and then organise it yourself.

Basically you need to organise things that are needed to be done and ensure he pay most for these things.

He thinks he would prefer it, he wouldn’t.

your attitude towards him is telling. You are diagnosing him, presumably without any form of qualifications to do so. You are deciding whether to confiscate his belongings. And now you are deciding how he feels.

this isnt love, op. And you absolutely need counselling.

It’s not love. It’s dysfunctional co dependency at the cost of her childrens safety and happiness

This ^

OP you are making excuse after excuse, and completely dismissing any realistic, sensible advice you've been given. It has been pointed out numerous times that you do have a claim on the house, but you don't want to hear it because you clearly want to stay.

You want us to magic up a way to give your husband a personality transplant. It's not going to happen.

Your poor children. To be living in a home like this is neglect, which in itself is a form of abuse. You need to be giving far more consideration to how this is affecting them.

When they grow up, one of two things will happen if you don't address this situation:

• when they leave home and get some life experience of their own, they'll realise their childhood was neglectful and messed up and they'll feel anger and/or resentment towards you and your husband. They may take a massive step back from you or cut the relationship entirely.
• they follow in the footsteps of their waster dad.

If you want your DC to be healthy, well adjusted adults that you have a positive relationship with, you need to do something about this situation. Now.

The house (and probably the wider location, environment) are very closely associated with all the problems. There’s no agoraphobia but just a strong preference for being left alone, not having to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

Well, we’d all fucking like that. He literally cannot see that the rest of us spend most of our time doing tasks in order to earn rest/play. And he thinks he’s had a terribly tough life, I am an evil person, and why should he have to do things he doesn’t like doing.

Some asks if he will let tradespeople in the house - yes, he will. But he may sabotage getting things done by not eg providing a time they can come.

Hi,
I think you're wrong about not having any of the house if you divorce.

In Scotland property which is bought before marriage for use as a family home is counted as matrimonial assets.
Other property such as businesses, second homes etc are not matrimonial assets.
The fact you are married and living in the home as a family home makes it matrimonial assets.

Also the fact that I assume you have paid for everything for the house would be taken into account too.

I know you say you love him but this doesn't sound like a life.

As someone who is a single mum to 4 young kids yes it is hard sometimes but so much easier than having my alcoholic cheating manchild ex around for us all.
So I would speak to a couple of laywers, and do some research. I think the fact you are married means that it doesn't matter your name isn't on the deeds. And especially with the new financial control legislation etc.
I am not saying that you have to divorce him but knowing your rights gives you much more control.

And I wouldn't take away his toys. I would however find out what would happen if you split up re finances and once you know you can be ok on your own with the kids write him a letter. Detail what needs to change , what you expect from him. Also detail what you do so he knows your not expecting him to do everything.

If.he still doesn't do anything to help you at least have a plan b.

Good luck

I think they are wrong in law. I would not get the house. I could force the sale of other assets but I will not have a materially comparable amount of money.

You need to get specific legal advice about this, the marital home is exempt from pre-marital assets and 18 years is more than enough to give you a claim on the family home. You don’t want to separate, I understand that, but you also don’t want to live the way you are. He’s letting the house crumble round your ears, there will come a point when it’s no longer a financial asset never mind a pleasant living environment.

I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t pull their weight. You can get someone to remove the rubbish, repair the house etc but it sounds like he’s actively working against you, and that isn’t going to change.

You sound very loyal, you’re making up reasons why he’s like this when really it doesn’t matter. Unable or unwilling he’s sabotaging you at every turn. My DS was married to such a man, when he died she wishes she had left him years previously but loyalty kept her there. After 18 years you know this is how it’s going to be, only you can decide if your one previous life is worth all of the sacrifices you’re making to maintain the status quo.

Taking away the hobby of SAHM too, he’d be getting crucified.

Ah I see, you love him, he is an amazing person and Dad apart from being a lazy useless abusive arsehole.
Never mind that your your kids live in a shithole that they are totally embarrassed by and is probably a health hazard.
Is this really what you imagined for your life?

A SAHM with grown up children who didn’t even deal with the cleaning of the house would not be dealt with differently. They’d be told to start pulling their weight around the house or get a job.

I voted YABU because it really wouldn’t work, he’s had 18 years to get off his backside and do something, he just doesn’t want to. Sponging off his wife, living in squalor and contributing absolutely nothing to his family is a choice, he likes it this way. Honestly, you’re an idiot for putting up with this shit, and even more daft for thinking hiding his gardening stuff will change it.

D I v o r c e

Ok I get it that you are not dealing with the man child, but someone who has disordered thinking.

Im sure you have already done this, but what are his strengths? Is there any way his obsessions with the garden could be brought to bear on other issues. If he’s into the chemical analysis of soil, can you get him interested into the air quality of the house? If so that might lead to being able to fix the peeling wallpaper etc etc.

Is he on any medication?

Sorry I haven't read the full thread, but it seems to me you think the answer is to somehow try and fix him or accommodate him. Whereas I think your focus should be on yourself and what you can do to change how you feel and react to the situation. Really work out if this is reasonable to continue to put up with this. If it isn't, what do you feel able to do about it, not necessarily in one go but bit by bit.

"WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?"

I don't think this will work. You are acting like he is a (rational) child. Instead he is a very troubled adult.

You sound deeply frustrated. If things are still like this in 10 years, will you be glad you stayed?

Personally I would want to live separately from him. It does not sound like he brings you much happiness or support.

If I did want to make a go of things, and if he wanted that too, I would be working out where my boundaries lie, and insisting he seeks highly specialised psychological support for his disorders, so that he can play his part in improving family life.

This.

Even though he thinks you're 'evil'.

Great I'm sure the dc love this dynamic.