DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

“He gets a lot of joy from us all.”

😂😂😂 I’m not even sure where to begin with that but it’s a toss-up between “does he fuck as like” and something about a “saviour complex”.

He thinks... I am an evil person

Has he said that? This dynamic seems very extreme and dysfunctional.

“He gets a lot of joy from us all.”

Do you get joy from him?

Thanks for the posts, I appreciate them all but I don’t need legal advice as I said upthread I have taken it.

To also reassure you, the DCs are not ‘neglected’ - they are just embarrassed about their house. They aren’t the same thing.

I know I should ‘do’ something. But DH is the problem and it’s him that really needs to ‘do’ things.

There’s no agoraphobia but just a strong preference for being left alone, not having to do anything he doesn’t want to do.

Yep, this is what teenagers are like but most grow out go it. Either he needs to do a huge amount of growing up or you need to leave whilst you can still setup a proper home for your DC. Set them an example that you have standards and when they are not met, you will do something about them (and no, not just confiscating his hobby stuff).

I understand its hard to live with someone who is avoidant and ASD but very happy to 'do' their obsessions all day. Massive issues getting to do anything necessary, work, dentist, doctors, school!

If he does have ASD and PDA, there is very little you can do. The ball is in his court, to seek diagnosis and he seems happy to carry on as he is. The link has a blog on adult PDA, no idea if it'll help you though.

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/pda/autistic-adults

As PP have said, just organise rubbish collections every few months.

@Menomenon im genuinely interested to know what the exception is thst means that the normal rules don’t apply to your family home? Is it in a trust?

Their father is neglectful.

Living in a hovel is neglectful.

You can do something, don't pretend you have no choices here. You can leave him and create a healthier life for you and your DC.

I really feel for you, you sound so trapped. Posters are talking as if this is laziness and stubbornness on his part and he could make more of an effort and maybe that's the case, it's impossible for strangers on the internet to say but it sounds to me like it is genuinely an issue of him not being neurotypical. This is just how he is and whilst he could still make an effort to change, he's very unlikely to. If you give him the benefit of the doubt and look at this as being a permanent, innate part of one or more conditions he has, you either have to accept and love him for who he is and make permanent adaptations that make things work for you both (i.e accept he will spend the rest of his life tinkering in the garden while the house falls down around you).

If you love him and you want to stay, he has contributed in the form of buying the house. That's no small contribution. But really, you sound so frustrated and unhappy. Isn't that only going to grow? You must be tired from working full time and keeping on top of managing everything else. Is it possible to move out and really focus on providing your children with at least one clean, safe living environment. OK so they love their dad but they'd still have contact with him and I am guessing they'd spend far more time at your house than his. You might still be able to actually live separately from him but be in a relationship with him - I know someone who has done that because her partner has a chronic illness. Her wife comes round at weekends, they all go out together and have their family time but in the week her wife goes home to her own small flat and rests and generally, in all honesty, doesn't take care of herself but wants to live that way. The children are doing well. They have a safe, loving primary parent who they have a stable relationship with and at least have an example of one parent who is modelling how to take care of yourself.

If you are living like this in 10 years and things are the same or worse, how does that make you feel? Are you happy with your children growing up thinking living in a degree of squalor with one very unhappy parent who is being walked all over is normal?

I recognise the scenario of never being able to have friends over.

With respect, I wonder if you do have a true grasp of the long-term consequences of things like this and growing up in a chaotic, dysfunctional home with a parent who has effectively abdicated all responsibility for your wellbeing.

Failing to provide a clean, safe environment for your children is neglect. Wake up. You're just as culpable as he is.

@Edinburghmusing same, because the "advice" op has been given is very wrong, and dangerous for others reading.

Retired family solicitor, Scotland.

I think you'll find the "no paid employment for 18 years" is also a PDA thing.

OP if your husband has depression, ADHD and PDA then he is actually quite severely disabled. He's not going to be able to hold down a job (think of all the demands that would place) so fgs don't indulge day dreams by buying equipment for a gardening business. This doesn't mean you have to stay with him but if you do it might be useful to frame his basic outlook as something that he can't change rather than won't change. Within this there are behaviours you can change - with effort you could probably be able to get him to pick up other bits of housework. But the big things - the executive functioning - its not there.

Again - you don't have to stay. But if you do I suggest you read about autism and PDA. Not to excuse him but to understand his strengths and (importantly) the limitations that come with his disability.

If you won't divorce him (I genuinely don't believe he has any redeeming qualities that make up for a lifetime of his children living in squalor, too embarrassed to have friends over!) then at least get a skip for the rubbish, it's about £150 around here for a medium sized skip that should deal with the stuff outside your house.
You know after 18 years he won't change, you shouldn't have to do everything but he will not change! You need to decide for yourself that you are no longer prepared to live like this! If you need tradespeople and you have the funds get them in, stop putting him front and centre in your life. Start thinking about what you want and leave him to his sodding garden.

Your poor kids.

this isn’t going to get better.

he not magically going to enable the house being fixed by him or others.

does he not care that his wife and children find it uncomfortable living there and their possessions potentially being ruined etc?

when your DC leave him - probably as soon as possible - do you think they’ll be eager to visit? I don’t see it happening. I think they will flee this ‘home’. You’ll then be alone, eventually retire and trapped in the house and relationship with this man.

realistically knowing what he’s like do you really think things can improve further?

And if you left him @Menomenon do you really think he’d manage to arrange visitation and feed them etc? I reckon the odd visit but can’t see the kids being super keen.

how old are the children - as once they get to teen years it’s more down to them whether they visit or not.

You have let him get away with it for 18 years. Just leave and start again

Sometimes I read posts that just make me feel sad and this is one of them. Ur asking for a solution that doesn’t exist and ur not hearing how not ok ur situation is. Really read back this thread and take urself out of the chaos for a moment. Is this what you want. Is this good enough for your kids. Is this what you imagined for urself.

To also reassure you, the DCs are not ‘neglected’ - they are just embarrassed about their house. They aren’t the same thing.

Not taking care of the family home to where wiring is “difficult”, walls are peeling and cleaners refuse to work there is a form of neglect. There will come a point, if you’re not already there, where the home conditions will be hazardous, if there are means to carry out repairs and you as a couple chose not to do that, it’s neglect. Not attending to hoarding behaviours is both self neglect on the part of the adult and neglectful of the children.

Seriously, OP a succession of cleaners who refuse to stay points to a huge issue with the house. You say you clean, but I can't imagine that is to any acceptable extent, because the house must be dire if more than one cleaner has refused to continue.

I'm by no means a clean freak, and I'm quite untidy. But I've never had a cleaner not want to work for me.

You need to think of and prioritise your children, and not your husband.

I think you have a lot of insight into your own situation and it's admirable that you have managed to get you and him to counselling.

That said, surely counselling offered.the insight that you can't change anyone's behaviour except your own? So what you can do is stuff for yourself. And he is, of course, right. There is no problem for him, in the present situation.

Longer term, you need to buy a home of your own, since that one doesn't sound like it'll be livable by the time you retire, and if you have no rights in it, the situation could get quite sticky.

Is here any prospect of him taking medication for ADHD? (You could get a private diagnosis in Scotland for around a thousand pounds). That's the only thing I can see improving. I think his behaviour will worsen with age, not get better.
Bar the medication (which would only help with one aspect), I think you have to choose to live this life or to leave.
He is not on board with trying to make adjustments to make life better for you or the children at all.

Has he undergone assessments for his mental health? Trying to treat him as NT won't work, but that doesn't mean it's impossible for him to change if he actually wanted to.

Depression - antidepressants and therapy can help
ADHD - very responsive to medication. Therapy with psychoeducation on strategies to manage executive function issues can also help.
Autism - won't "go away" but support groups and psychoeducation can help people to understand themselves and find strategies to manage their life in ways that work better for them.
Possible childhood trauma (since you mentioned a "tough life", and trauma linked to executive function issues) - needs specialist trauma treatment but immense healing can occur with the right therapist.

If he cares about how much this upsets you, and wants to change, there are pathways he could explore - the first step being to gain an accurate understanding of his neurodiversity, so that he can access the right resources.

I know I should ‘do’ something. But DH is the problem and it’s him that really needs to ‘do’ things. - You're both culpable here. If you stay in this relationship, you're just as much to blame as he is.

THIS. but get a proper financial arrangement so you don't have to support him afterwards.