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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

599 replies

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

OP posts:
Unikeko · 01/01/2023 11:35

He doesn't want to change. Nothing you, your children or randoms on the internet say it do can change that.

You need to love yourself and your children more and make a healthy life away from this man.

kitcat15 · 01/01/2023 11:36

You are asking the wrong questions OP

RP2211 · 01/01/2023 11:37

Naddd · 01/01/2023 11:31

Dear op your life sounds almost like mine. Except my h works does not have anything to show for it, our house is falling to bits. No work on it is ever done. When we actually i bought the house some tiles needed replacing 17 years on they still do.

I often think its cos its my money that paid for it that he's not been bothered but its just laziness.

A great example of this is the car, the battery kept going flat this was a year and a half ago. He has finally replaced the battery now this is after it going flat countless times whilst out and about. And what for? What was saved? What benefit was gotten out of putting of replacing it? For a year and a half??

Its sheer laziness, and lack of love and care for either me or the kids. My feeling has always been sod me but wat about ur kids?

I am utterly embarrassed to have people round there is no carpet, doors are broken window seals have gone. Sofas need replacing. That's just the living room.

Unlike you though i do not love him at all. I don't even like him tbh. I despise him. Yet like you in a sense im stuck i have young children and no family/friends to help with childcare. Holidays would be unmanageable.

I fully believe he knows this that i have no-one, no family support instead of stepping up more he has done the opposite. Knowing i don't really have options.

If i were to kick him out i'd be unable to work so would financially be worse off and without help for the bills he pays.

I will echo what others have said and this applies to me also. He will not change, you either accept that this is him and he will never change or you end it.

Mine knows that he is only here cos i have no choice, no other help, there is no pretense here of love or care. He knows i cannot stand him. I don't actually know why he doesn't jist go himself.

Show quote history

This is so so sad. 😭 If you really feel you can't escape now. PLEASE leave when your children have left home. 🙏

Flapjackquack · 01/01/2023 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I agree too. Women are not to blame for the behaviour of men but the bar needs to be raised off the floor by some women who need to take control of the impact it’s having on their life. Life is too short to be stuck being made miserable by some man child.

Edinburghmusing · 01/01/2023 11:38

cathkarlinfamilylaw.co.uk/matrimonial-division-of-assets/

it took five seconds to find out that the family home is exempt from the rule about pre marital asserts in the case of divorce

the house would be included in the assets to split

you can choose to stay of course - but don’t delude yourself thst you couldn’t otherwise house your children. You could. In a house that they are not ashamed of.

BellePeppa · 01/01/2023 11:38

Are your kids grown (now he can’t say he’s a house husband?) if so for heavens sake leave. I don’t understand how you can stand to share space with him. Never mind take away hobby stuff, either remove him or yourself from this pointless set up.

BadShepherd · 01/01/2023 11:38

You’ve tolerated this for 20 years. What “tips and tricks” do you think you’ll uncover today?

You’ve got a miserable 20-30 years ahead of you with your children not visiting and the house crumbling around you. Best of luck!

BreakinTheRoolz8126342 · 01/01/2023 11:39

Call the council or pay for a man in a van to take the old sofa & all the rubbish out of the front garden

When this is completed, tell him that he will be next if he doesn't pull his weight at home with cleaning & chores

That he needs to get a job

How is he going to fund his retirement ?

BreakinTheRoolz8126342 · 01/01/2023 11:39

Nothing will change, until you make some positive changes

FuntCase · 01/01/2023 11:40

I am really hoping for any posts or suggestions/tips/tricks to improve things.

Unless Harry Potter can pop round with a wand and a spell to change your lazy, sponging, sorry excuse for a dad and husband then nothing will improve.

But you know that. You also know that this situation is entirely of your own making and are clutching at straws to try and rid yourself of the shake and guilt of allowing this man to ruin your life and your children’s life.

Shit or get off the pot OP. It’s screamingly obviously to anyone with a few working brain cells you need to ditch this horrible, vile specimen but you won’t because “I wuuuvvv him” is more important than providing a decent stable home for your children.

You’re going to love the rest of your life in misery if you won’t give your head wobble.

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:41

Twillow · 01/01/2023 11:29

What happens when you do row about it? Are you scared of him or just frustrated? What made you go to counselling initially and did it improve anything in practical terms or just help you manage your feelings?

It helped me understand that he would never sell the house (all his thoughts are very much about the garden) and that he couldn’t really comprehend alternative ways of living and that he doesn’t imagine different scenarios. It did help. The noticeable improvement of him was that he started to join in with family days out and meals out.

Previously this was a huge performance and he would shut down or disrupt any plans that didn’t involve him being at home doing his own thing. Now he comes along cheerfully, and is happy to have lunch in the museum cafe, chats away about the exhibition to the DC, talks about their ideas and listens to them. It’s made life a lot more fun.

It has not changed the house, him or the huge disparity in what we put in. He genuinely has no sense of work/obligation/task might be on him. He think it is OUTRAGEOUS to make a list and tick it off. How dare someone think he should have to do an instruction. I mentioned my daily inbox is a task list - he can’t see it.

OP posts:
JoyeuxNarwhal · 01/01/2023 11:43

I don't think it would help your situation overall situation tbh but if it makes you feel better 🤷‍♀️

I presume he has physical/mental health issues that you haven't disclosed here? Otherwise I can't see why you'd still be with him. Even those don't excuse it fully though.

Applesonthelawn · 01/01/2023 11:43

You would be unreasonable to take away his gardening equipment because it's a childish retaliation to something you dislike about an adult and you should resolve that type of conflict through communication.

Presumably though, communication has already failed, so the far more important question is why you have allowed him to Iive that life when it is so detrimental to your own life and that of your children. You would not be unreasonable to leave him, he sounds a complete nightmare.

saraclara · 01/01/2023 11:45

but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything

Well since you're determined to stay with the man, it's down to you, isn't it? What have YOU done about about the rubbish and the old sofa in the front garden? There's no way I'd ignore that. It's as much your responsibility as it is his, and as you're accepting living with someone who won't do his 50%, why aren't you doing your 50% or more and clearing the rubbish and phoning the council to get the sofa picked up?

You've made a choice to stay with this man, so you're going to have to take the initiative. You don't say how old your kids are, but maybe they can get involved too? If you can afford cleaners then presumably you're not on the breadline. So work out how you, at least, can try to make the house less of an embarrassment.

stormywaves · 01/01/2023 11:45

I voted YABU for just wanting to confiscate his toys. He is not a child, but a father and husband and needs to start behaving like one.

Karwomannghia · 01/01/2023 11:46

He may be fiendishly clever but he’s not kind. Intelligence is overrated and kindness underrated. He’s incredibly selfish and I can’t see how you are still attracted to him after everything. Sounds like he wouldn’t care whether you or the dc were there or not, in fact he’d probably prefer it.

Edinburghmusing · 01/01/2023 11:46

Agree - why can’t you do the work to clean up the rubbish and do the works that are needed on the house?

yiu don’t need a dick to organise rubbish clearance. Or to get an electrician in.

FloydPepper · 01/01/2023 11:47

modgepodge · 01/01/2023 10:00

Whilst I would find this extremely frustrating and agree he needs to step up and either do more round the house or get a job, I can’t help but feel if a man was talking about confiscating his wife’s hobby equipment everyone would be saying how controlling and abusive it is.

Yep yep
in fact, this post seems like the sexes are reversed deliberately? Apologies if I’m wrong

a stay at home mum who hasn’t got back into the workplace would be thought of quite differently.

Outtasteamandluck · 01/01/2023 11:48

18 years !!! 18 years ?!?!

If he's not bringing anything in, you won't miss him when he's gone.

He's going to have to get a job now or how else will he live ?

Twillow · 01/01/2023 11:50

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:41

It helped me understand that he would never sell the house (all his thoughts are very much about the garden) and that he couldn’t really comprehend alternative ways of living and that he doesn’t imagine different scenarios. It did help. The noticeable improvement of him was that he started to join in with family days out and meals out.

Previously this was a huge performance and he would shut down or disrupt any plans that didn’t involve him being at home doing his own thing. Now he comes along cheerfully, and is happy to have lunch in the museum cafe, chats away about the exhibition to the DC, talks about their ideas and listens to them. It’s made life a lot more fun.

It has not changed the house, him or the huge disparity in what we put in. He genuinely has no sense of work/obligation/task might be on him. He think it is OUTRAGEOUS to make a list and tick it off. How dare someone think he should have to do an instruction. I mentioned my daily inbox is a task list - he can’t see it.

Show quote history

And what if you give him ultimatums? Does he just ignore it?
Would he be shocked to see that everyone here sees him as a waste of space and that you should leave him?
Does he accept that he has mental health issues, and that they are affecting his family's life in a major way?
Why does he think it is ok to just do exactly what he wants to?

FabFitFifties · 01/01/2023 11:51

In what way is the house embarrassing OP? Dirty? Clutter? In an obvious state of disrepair? Are the children's bedrooms clean and comfortable and the bathroom and kitchen clean and functioning? More detail is needed here. YABU to consider taking his belongings, whatever the situation. Does he stop you doing cleaning or do you mean DIY type jobs?

FloydPepper · 01/01/2023 11:51

Saracen · 01/01/2023 11:10

You say "When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover." What do you mean - did he not actually look after the children when they were younger?

He has some mental health issues. Maybe he also lacks confidence as a result of not having worked. It sounds like he is hiding from his problems and coming up with excuses not to address them. How you support him to tackle these challenges without treating him like a child, I don't know. Taking his things away doesn't feel like the way to deal with it.

They mean a woman is a stay at home parent, a man is just pretending as cover for choosing to not work

shinynewapple22 · 01/01/2023 11:52

You say you think your DH has undiagnosed ADHD and PDA. Has he looked at getting a diagnosis for this ? Presumably if he were to do so he might be prescribed medication? Do you think this might help ? It does make sense that it is a mental health issue that is behind this rather than him simply being an arse .

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:53

Sounds like he wouldn’t care whether you or the dc were there or not, in fact he’d probably prefer it.

He thinks he would prefer it, he wouldn’t. He gets a lot of joy from us all. He just has very little insight into that.

To those asking about why I don’t organise the sofa to be collected: I will do. He said he would do it. Just to reassure you: I do quite a lot and it has been Christmas. The space will fill up with something else - old gas containers or whatever.

OP posts:
Schnooze · 01/01/2023 11:55

Unfortunate he is who he. After all these years he’s unlikely to change. You are going to have to put up or shut up.