Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

599 replies

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

OP posts:
RP2211 · 01/01/2023 11:14

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:06

Yes, I am enabling him. How do I stop without going nuclear?

I do not think my DC will dislike their parents though.

We do a lot together as a family and they love it. Board games, visiting friends, walks. All - all without exception - are suggested by me and initially resisted by DH (‘the weather might change’) but he will do it (another thing that came out of counselling was joining in).

My job is demanding but I am a committed parent. The DCs have had a fun, enriched childhood. They know DH’s is not an adulthood they want (although they would never say that). They are teens and talk about their careers. They will be fine.

Show quote history

You "think" they'll be fine. This behaviour from both you WILL have an impact on them in the future. You just don't want to accept that responsibility or guilt. Do you really think they're going to talk positively about their childhood? Talk positively about you and their dad? Have you ever sat down and asked how your children actually feel? Once they're adults standing on their own two feet you'll find out the truth.

FatEaredFuck · 01/01/2023 11:14

@Mama4g start your own thread. Your son needs to speak to a specific domestic abuse charity for support. I dont know of one but there will be organisations that work with abused men.

WaitingOutside · 01/01/2023 11:14

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:59

If your DH won't work, then I'd be concerned about things like his pension and joint finances going forward into retirement. How will you afford to live when you want to stop working?

Absolutely @WaitingOutside thus is a huge concern. Many of the things he should be doing during the day are sorting his own admin such as pension. He will not talk about it. He makes no plans. He is very ND in this respect. However he is fiendishly clever. It’s like he can’t apply economic theory to his own plans.

I've just seen that his house is his and you're not entitled to a share of it even if you divorce. I would therefore 100% get your own life in order. Seek some legal advice on protecting yourself, get your own home, plan your own retirement without him.

There are lots of ways to co-parent and families have all sorts of set-ups, don't feel like it has to be just him and the kids, and you and the kids. You can arrange whatever best suits you all. However, I would not be working myself to the bone until my late 70s whilst my partner did almost nothing his whole life to support me, the home or the children.

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:15

Thanks for replies about taking away the equipment. You are right, of course. It will solve nothing and it’s not really OK (even though much of it is purchased by me).

It was just a way of getting some engagement. He tells me I am ‘starting a row’ if I ever try to talk about things. He will not look for solutions as he thinks there is no problem. I just wanted to show the problem.

OP posts:
Edinburghmusing · 01/01/2023 11:15

Have you taken in the board the comments that you are not colored t about the law regarding the house OP?

DirectionToPerfection · 01/01/2023 11:19

This is no life OP, for you or your DC.

Please at the very least get some legal advice, so you understand the actual situation in relation to your claim on the house.

Your 'D'H is taking the piss, I don't know how you can have any respect for him. He's an appalling role model for your children - do you want them to turn out like him? Because the longer you stay and accept this behaviour, the more likely that outcome will be.

Acheyknees · 01/01/2023 11:19

When he says 'you are starting a row', he is effectively shutting the conversation down.

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:19

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 01/01/2023 11:10

Trying to find a positive angle... could he set up and a gardener/handyman ?

He isn’t handy (absolute refusal to do any even basic diy) but, yes, I have suggested setting up a business doing people lawns. He could work out the chemistry for each lawn, do the cutting plan the edges etc.

He would love setting up name for the business and imagining himself doing it but that’s it. The reality is he probably, probably could get as far as buying a van. Maybe. I’ve chosen and bought the last couple of cars we have had because he literally cannot make decisions.

OP posts:
Twillow · 01/01/2023 11:21

I've read the full thread, having resisted the initial temptation to say you have a bigger problem than the hobby. So I understand that you've carefully considered your position and are considering this better than the alternative. What has struck me hardest is that your children will not bring people home. That is a hard level of unpleasantness they are ashamed of. I think you need to look on it as you have with staying or leaving - he is never going to change so if you want to keep him you will have to take responsibility for the rubbish in the front garden etc. Either don't tell him you are getting a skip or whatever in, or give him a date by which if he has not done it you will. Presumably there is enough money for this as you have previously had cleaners. Same with papers on the table. He really has got away with this for far too long. Please stop putting up with it - mental health or not this is a level beyond selfishness.

JoyPeaceSleep · 01/01/2023 11:21

Wow, interesting that you say he has PDA. So anything he does has to be on his terms. I don't see this changing.
Agree with him that he feels he is the victim but say as I'm paying for everything and doing everything I don't see it that way and I want to end this. You are free to live where you like next, free to do nothing all day, free to sign on to the dole without a spouse's salary being means tested.

toocold54 · 01/01/2023 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Edinburghmusing · 01/01/2023 11:22

Poor children - both parents see themselves victims of the situation they have total control over

the children are the actual victims

Littlepuddytat · 01/01/2023 11:22

My OH was dragged up in a house much like yours. The lack of care for the environment the children lived in has had far reaching consequences for him. He struggled with friendships as couldn't have friends over, he had no idea how to take care of his own living space when he moved out as it wasnt modelled for him, hygiene was an issue and his parents just simply couldn't be arsed to ensure he had a safe, comfortable, clean environment for him and his siblings to live in. None of them have anything to do with their parents now. It's neglectful, making your dc live in a hovel.

Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:27

Edinburghmusing · 01/01/2023 11:15

Have you taken in the board the comments that you are not colored t about the law regarding the house OP?

I think they are wrong in law. I would not get the house. I could force the sale of other assets but I will not have a materially comparable amount of money. He may be entitled to some of my pension (although possibly not much).

I started the thread about hobby equipment out of desperation. I know I am enabling this situation but cannot see a way through. I am really hoping for any posts or suggestions/tips/tricks to improve things.

What I don’t need is legal advice. I have that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fucking hell.

OP posts:
Twillow · 01/01/2023 11:29

What happens when you do row about it? Are you scared of him or just frustrated? What made you go to counselling initially and did it improve anything in practical terms or just help you manage your feelings?

RP2211 · 01/01/2023 11:29

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 11:27

I think they are wrong in law. I would not get the house. I could force the sale of other assets but I will not have a materially comparable amount of money. He may be entitled to some of my pension (although possibly not much).

I started the thread about hobby equipment out of desperation. I know I am enabling this situation but cannot see a way through. I am really hoping for any posts or suggestions/tips/tricks to improve things.

What I don’t need is legal advice. I have that.

Show quote history

You've had plenty of other advice that you are choosing to ignore. There are no tips or tricks to improve things. You don't want to go as you call it "nuclear" but I less you make it quite clear that things change ( put a plan in place together) or you leave then things will never ever change and you will have this situation for the rest of your life and possibly without your children around too. What a horrible situation to be in.

Dwrcegin · 01/01/2023 11:30

OP it wouldn't matter if you had a forced sale and split the money from the house. If its as dilapidated as you say. The value will decrease over time anyway.

Will he allowed workmen at the house?

WaddleAway · 01/01/2023 11:30

I wouldn’t be surprised if, once your children leave home, they stop visiting.

midgetastic · 01/01/2023 11:31

Have you properly researched the financial implications of a split ?

Are you really sure you would be unable to survive? Are you really sure having less would be that bad ? Are you just scared ?

Naddd · 01/01/2023 11:31

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

Dear op your life sounds almost like mine. Except my h works does not have anything to show for it, our house is falling to bits. No work on it is ever done. When we actually i bought the house some tiles needed replacing 17 years on they still do.

I often think its cos its my money that paid for it that he's not been bothered but its just laziness.

A great example of this is the car, the battery kept going flat this was a year and a half ago. He has finally replaced the battery now this is after it going flat countless times whilst out and about. And what for? What was saved? What benefit was gotten out of putting of replacing it? For a year and a half??

Its sheer laziness, and lack of love and care for either me or the kids. My feeling has always been sod me but wat about ur kids?

I am utterly embarrassed to have people round there is no carpet, doors are broken window seals have gone. Sofas need replacing. That's just the living room.

Unlike you though i do not love him at all. I don't even like him tbh. I despise him. Yet like you in a sense im stuck i have young children and no family/friends to help with childcare. Holidays would be unmanageable.

I fully believe he knows this that i have no-one, no family support instead of stepping up more he has done the opposite. Knowing i don't really have options.

If i were to kick him out i'd be unable to work so would financially be worse off and without help for the bills he pays.

I will echo what others have said and this applies to me also. He will not change, you either accept that this is him and he will never change or you end it.

Mine knows that he is only here cos i have no choice, no other help, there is no pretense here of love or care. He knows i cannot stand him. I don't actually know why he doesn't jist go himself.

TimBoothseyes · 01/01/2023 11:32

I am really hoping for any posts or suggestions/tips/tricks to improve things.

You won't because he doesn't want to. The only option is to leave if you want better for you and your DC's, but you don't want to do that either, so I'm not sure anyone on here can help.

zingally · 01/01/2023 11:33

It's fairly obvious he's got some mental health issues at play.

But also, he's a kept man, who has everything done for him. What motivation is there for him to change?

What's triggered your desire to change him? Why now? As far as he's concerned, he's spent the past 18 years happy as a clam, doing whatever he feels like, and you've gone along with it. He's going to wonder - rightly - why the sudden change of heart.

Naddd · 01/01/2023 11:33

Naddd · 01/01/2023 11:31

Dear op your life sounds almost like mine. Except my h works does not have anything to show for it, our house is falling to bits. No work on it is ever done. When we actually i bought the house some tiles needed replacing 17 years on they still do.

I often think its cos its my money that paid for it that he's not been bothered but its just laziness.

A great example of this is the car, the battery kept going flat this was a year and a half ago. He has finally replaced the battery now this is after it going flat countless times whilst out and about. And what for? What was saved? What benefit was gotten out of putting of replacing it? For a year and a half??

Its sheer laziness, and lack of love and care for either me or the kids. My feeling has always been sod me but wat about ur kids?

I am utterly embarrassed to have people round there is no carpet, doors are broken window seals have gone. Sofas need replacing. That's just the living room.

Unlike you though i do not love him at all. I don't even like him tbh. I despise him. Yet like you in a sense im stuck i have young children and no family/friends to help with childcare. Holidays would be unmanageable.

I fully believe he knows this that i have no-one, no family support instead of stepping up more he has done the opposite. Knowing i don't really have options.

If i were to kick him out i'd be unable to work so would financially be worse off and without help for the bills he pays.

I will echo what others have said and this applies to me also. He will not change, you either accept that this is him and he will never change or you end it.

Mine knows that he is only here cos i have no choice, no other help, there is no pretense here of love or care. He knows i cannot stand him. I don't actually know why he doesn't jist go himself.

Show quote history

Oh and he has no mh issues that i could try and blame his behaviour on.

Unless being an utter arsehole is one.

Bigdamnheroes · 01/01/2023 11:34

I'd kick him out tbh. He needs a swift kick up the arse. It's utterly disrespectful and I couldn't be with someone who doesn't respect me.

If you're the only one working, it's your equipment not his as you paid for it so yeah absolutely I'd take it and tell him if he doesn't shape up, he'll be following it out the door.