DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

Safeguarding, Neglect, Shame on Me etc.

We are absolutely not there. What is this weird compulsion to simplify and persecute?

Sorry OP, you say it would be "devastating and disputive" to end your marriage but you are so blinkered you cannot see that it is devastating and disputive to continue in this way. Your own children are embarrassed by the way you live and you say they need calm and support for their exams but they certainly are not getting that at the moment from what you have posted.

People are reading what you’ve written and this is what it shows them 🤷‍♀️

just because you are blind to in and choosing to ignore it

He considers that I and all other working people are somehow not really ‘working’ when we work. It’s just a thing we do that we chose to do. Whereas he chooses not to do things, so it’s a unique hardship to expect him to. I know it’s sounds odd.

It does sound like PDA doesn’t it? I haven’t RTFT but have read all of your posts OP so see that you are considering a private diagnosis. Sounds like it could be very worth while.

FWIW I totally get that you and your kids love him and want to keep the family together, and that you are frustrated in how to help him to help himself to get better.

OP what do you think a social worker would say if they saw your house?

a house that cleaners won’t clean is a grim house

your children don’t have a functional family unit to be broken up

Your children are being directly, negatively affected by this. They're learning it's normal in a relationship for one partner to do only the bits of adulting and parenthood they want to do and expect the other to pick up the pieces and do everything else.

Can you see this, even if you still don't want to end the relationship?

18 years of not working?! Holy Moly. I could never be with a man like this. Get rid asap!

Does he pay for half of everything?
Half the bills etc..?

Because if his income covers the cost of his half of the household costs & his garden things I can't see how you can get him to change.

He has no incentive to do so.

Are you funding his lifestyle, or is he?

Your dysfunctional marriage is your normal @Menomenon.

What you seem unable to realise that this isn't how anyone esle sees it. It is not a normal relationship.

It does sound like he is ND, but is hiding behind it to just be lazy and selfish.
There is a point where staying together for the sake of the children is more damaging than parting company. And you have already reached this point. How can you not see what everyone else is seeing?

What do your friends and family think of your husband?

Are you very religious?

OP your life sounds like ground hog day.

I cannot fathom how you still love him when you talk to him and he does not hear what you are saying

I initially replied about him being neurodiverse and then read all the responses and realise you already know that.

Being autistic with pda and adhd, but also having a man child about the house, I can empathise with both of you.

Firstly, the neurodiversity… I don’t try and make life hard but sometimes my brain simply won’t let me do what I know I should be doing. Like you say going out for him was hard. He’s not trying to be difficult, the sensory overwhelm, executive dysfunction is painful. If he’s masking his way through that to make you and your dc happier it will come out as extreme regulating behaviour in other ways (like you’re seeing with the garden and his other controlling behaviours- which help to manage his anxiety). You sound wonderful that you are willing to try and stay to help him. However, my ND is not an excuse to impact other people. If I’m told my behaviour isn’t ok I try my flipping hardest to change it, with other interventions to manage the anxiety that will bring.

what he needs is a diagnosis and therapist to help him with coping strategies. Calling someone lazy / waste of space etc when they’re not able to act in a NT way is ableist and discriminatory. Like I said though, he needs to be willing to do these things because he can’t use ND as an excuse to impact other people. You’re boundaries are important too. I am able to keep a clean home, socialise, cook healthy meals, volunteer, work etc because I recognise my family’s needs are important too BUT I need lots of accommodations (noise cancelling earbuds, no expectations in the evening, lots of downtime and info dumping time etc). It’s compromise for both of you.

in the meantime, get on top of everything by getting help (he can suck it up) as this will feel manageable. Join autism inclusivity on Facebook for excellent practical tips. It changed my life.

Next… the man child… I’ve thought about divorce, had legal advice etc. I know I’m a leaving a crap role model for my children but I also know there are benefits with staying too. The unknown is terrifying. I am working on my boundaries and natural consequences. I wish you all the luck in the world but if you choose to stay, accepting certain parts of this will make it easier x

Wow you are really using Rose tinted glasses. Kick him out he sounds awful.

In your judgement you aren’t there. But with respect your judgement is not to be trusted, given you’ve tolerated this for so long.

As a social worker I recognise neglect just from your own words on this thread, which I’d also assume wasn’t the full story. You’re the one who has described it, not anyone else. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t make it harmless.

Divorce the useless cunt.

I wonder if you accept now OP that your view on the legal position re the house is almost certainly wrong??

to me that’s the most obvious black and white example of where you are simply incorrect in your understanding of the situation (unless - as I asked - there is an unusual exception to the general law)

does that not give you pause for thought re your children and your view on what this is doing to them?

What is the saddest thing of all is that you can't imagine a better life for you and your DC - either with or without this man.

Please read my posts about the life of my MIL and her (lack of) relationships with her adult DC and GC.

@Herejustforthisone 😂

Don’t hold back!!

it reminds me of something I read ‘say what you want in as little words as possible’

Someone who does not contribute, is not worth staying with.

Does he want to change?
If not, do you want to continue to live like this?

Some tough decisions to take.

The house thing - have a read of this thread OP. I grew up ashamed of my house:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4550960-growing-up-in-a-dirty-messy-house?page=1

You’re not being unreasonable, as I can feel the frustration jumping off the screen, but I don’t think taking his hobbies away would help. And I don’t really see them as hobbies tbh. Let me explain below.
I really feel for you, as someone has said above, I believe you are essentially living with someone who has an undiagnosed disability, with no mechanisms to even begin cope or manage his own condition. I am no psychologist but work in an educational field and my partner has adhd.
This screams adhd to me, but he would need to speak to a GP first and foremost for a diagnosis. He would also need to have had experienced issues during childhood to be diagnosed with adhd. It sounds like he is completely overwhelmed by tasks other people would see as normal or everyday, so concentrates on the ones he can manage and is comfortable with i.e. the garden. It sounds like he struggles with executive functioning skills and for you, that will be exhausting I’m sure as you must feel like you’re the only one keeping things going as best you can.
It took my partner years to find a job that he could manage and stick with, but I am happy to say he is now set up successfully self employed. Interestingly, he is a gardener! Being outdoors has always helped him, and being self employed just suits him as he struggles to fit into the mould of being employed by someone else, simply due to the way his brain works and thinks. He struggles to process information and with self management. I know it seems counterintuitive that self employment would suit him, but in a job where someone expects things done a certain way, he always struggled, but self employed, he can do things his own way. Self employment may be something that would suit your DH.
Exploring this and potentially getting a diagnosis of anything (or not!) is a long process and regardless of whether he does have an undiagnosed disability or whether he is just a lazy git (although I would bet money it’s the former) you still need to protect and safeguard yourself and you DC. And I cannot stress this enough. Even with everything I have said above, having adhd does not excuse poor behaviour and when exploring this, the line between adhd and this won’t always be clear. You must think of yourself and your DC. It is not a case of “he has adhd, that explains everything, I just have to live with it”. Even if he does have adhd and you still choose to take yourself and DC out of that incredible difficult and frustrating situation, that is okay. But if he does find he has adhd, there are things out there that can help you all. Counselling that can help him manage his condition and develop coping mechanisms, counselling for you, medication if needed, also thinking about how his adhd gives him an advantage over others rather than a disadvantage - my partner tries to think of his adhd as an advantage but it has taken years for him to get to this point. E.g. He experiences hyper focus as part of his adhd, but rather than getting frustrated at him taking twice as long to do something as someone else, he promotes his attention to detail as a positive in his business - he completes the jobs to a high standard.
I wish you the best of luck, however you all choose to deal with this, and I wish positive change for you all for 2023
x

The obsessive behaviour screams mental health problems to me & it sounds like he needs help. Taking away the gardening stuff with not fix the problem. He is not a child so you need to talk to him & he needs to listen instead of get it h defensive, which can be hard if someone if feeling overwhelmed with life.
To be honest feeling overwhelmed by a home is not an uncommon thing. I know because I am like that but I have a physical disability & illnesses as well as mental health problems that make everything a million times harder these days.
If he can’t do the other jobs he or you need to get someone in who can do the jobs he won’t/can’t sort!

It is hard living with a person going through stuff but you need to work together to fix this.
If one isn’t keeping their side of the marriage contract you need to sort it out or the marriage won’t survive 🙁❤

Safeguarding, Neglect, Shame on Me etc.

We are absolutely not there. What is this weird compulsion to simplify and persecute?
You may well be there.
When we do home visits we would have had to record concerns from what you've described.

I have no doubt you love your children dearly, but a house that is too unclean that cleaners won't clean it is a huge statement and a massive red flag.

Your DH also seems to dismiss your entirely reasonable concerns and has been happy to sponge off you for years. You can't take his toys off him because you're not his mother, but you can think about whether you'd want your DCs living in these conditions adults, whether it would be good enough for your future DGCs, and whether you'd be happy if a future spouse treated your DC the way you're being treated.

Safeguarding, Neglect, Shame on Me etc.

We are absolutely not there. What is this weird compulsion to simplify and persecute?

Read your own posts but imagine they were written by someone else, maybe your mum, sister, daughter or friend.

Would you say they were in a loving relationship who put the children needs first?