DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

I get that it's unpalatable to think about. I've had depression in the past too and I know it's been the contributing factor in the ending of more than one relationship over the years.

But nobody should feel obliged to stay with someone when that person no longer makes them happy. Whether that's because of depression, cheating or just no longer being compatible - it doesn't matter. People owe it to themselves to do what makes them happy. Life is too short to be in a relationship that makes you miserable, regardless of the reason.

How big is the shed? As he loves the garden so much tell him to go live in it and go play with his lawnmower and plants whilst you get the builders in to fix the house up.

OP says he is being treated for it.

This goes beyond an untidy home.
There's hoarding, piles of rubbish, home in disrepair..
It sounds unsafe.

Some previous posters have rightly said your future GC will hardly ever come round.

I have never let my DC spend any time in FIL/Mils house without me and DH being there.
In 2022, we went to FIL's once.
They have only baby sat for us once in our flat when DC1 was 18 months for 3 hours, he is now 11.

I cannot tell you how much irreparable damage you are doing to the future relationships with your DC.

My MIL had such a small life by choosing to stay with and facilitate FIL. When her DC were 18 they left and never came back, only for limited short visits of an hour or 2. Before she died I do believe she regretted staying with such an isolating husband , particularly regretted her distant relationships with her grown up DC and her GC.

She didn't really say whether he bought the home outright or it has a mortgage on it that she has been paying.
Investment dividends might be a few hundred a year.
She also didn't say how much child care or housework he did either.

@emptythelitterbox sounds like my home in all fairness 😂. My DH is a hoarder, there's clutter and crap everywhere.

The OP has said she doesn't want to leave him so I don't think there's any point people suggesting he that to her. I think that peoples suggested solution on here is to always leave. What OPs husband has is an illness, which I assume she knew about when she married him.

She couod live separately and still be together
He is not going to change
She cannot fix him because he does notvwamt to be "fixed"

What a miserable life for you all.

I've never said LTB on here. So congratulations you get my first one!

He sounds like a petulant child who adds nothing usefull to the lives of you and your children. You are setting a terrible example to them by putting up with this bullshit.

Would you be happy if your son became a useless husband and father, or worse, your daughter put up with one?

I have cousins who unfortunately are the children of parents like this. Grew up on what has been essentially a building site for over 25 years. Too embarrassed to invite friends over. They went to uni, and moved quite far away after. They never visit their parents.

My aunt and uncle refuse to see family now. They got family members to help with repairs, but after 15 years those people had had enough. Apparently that's a good reason to cut contact. Neither has been in work for the past 10-15 years.

Make radical changes, or you won't see you kids again. This surely isn't the life you hoped to have 20 years ago.

I would

1. take legal advice to understand your position re assets, maintenance and custody
2. stay together but live separately - rent a separate flat (teens can malice between households as they wish and meet up for family/couple time) (take any furniture you have brought)
3. establish your own financial independence (savings, house deposit, pension) - stop contributing to the house / his bills - he can liquidate his investments or get a job
4. evaluate where you are in 6 months - do you want to continue your new lifestyle? What do your teens want? If they have spent most of their time with you that tells you a lot

I would get legal
advice/work out finances/find a rental in secret and then give him 2 months notice your financial contribution to him and his house will stop. Enlist trusted family and friends to help you

Ps
if you can’t take steps to create a separate household, you need to ensure you have safeguarded your children’s interests in the event of your death as your partner is clearly unable to provide or act in their best interests. Do you have life insurance, pensions or a will - you should ensure everything goes to your children, perhaps to be held in trust until they are adults with a trusted adult to administer and release funds for their upbringing and education (maybe even boarding school if funds allow)

In your shoes I would be terrified by what would happen to my children if I passed away

You are getting shafted by this man.

Maybe because he is ND, maybe because he has a borderline personality disorder or maybe he is is abusive.

Whatever the reason, you are getting a bad deal financially and emotionally.

Are you not frightened for the future? When you want to retire and you have to live in a house in a state of disrepair which you have no financial stake in?

Are you not depressed that the man who is supposed to love and protect you, won't put you on the deeds of his house while he lives comfortably off your wages?

Houses in disrepair are horrible to live in.

Why are you doing this to yourself? You must love him - way more than you love yourself in fact.

It has not changed the house, him or the huge disparity in what we put in. He genuinely has no sense of work/obligation/task might be on him. He think it is OUTRAGEOUS to make a list and tick it off. How dare someone think he should have to do an instruction. I mentioned my daily inbox is a task list - he can’t see it.

Does he really not see that it's unfair for you to be working full time and doing all the work around the house? Did you discuss that during counselling?

What I find so odd is how honest you are on here (which I admire) but also how far your head is stuck in the sand.

You are saying all of these really bad issues as you know they are happening - but then you say they have absolutely no impact on you, your DH or the DCs and you’re basically all one big happy family.

So you’re massively contradicting yourself.

I don’t think you are stupid.
I just think you are in denial and refuse to see the reality, as if you did that means you’d have to end the relationship which isn’t what you want to do.

I would focus on why you don’t want to end your marriage.

For many it’s financial reasons but you are more than capable of paying your own way.
Maybe you should think about your childhood and if it had any impact and find out the reason why you don’t want to be alone.

It’s not often on MN do posters agree with each other, yet I believe every single poster has said they would have left him by now.

Is it a possibility he’s neurodiverse? Possibly autistic and the garden is his special interest or regulating for him? I’m not excusing his behaviour but asking if he needs some accommodations made to your perspective and his life to enable him to function better? Perhaps explore together if he suffers with anxiety and other sensory overwhelm? It can feel very shameful to admit this, especially if he was raised in a way that being different was wrong. Just a thought… and if none of the above is true I’d question why you’re with him? Because doing nothing is also a choice…

DH doesn’t see it. I think it is a weirdly entitled part of demand avoidance.

He considers that I and all other working people are somehow not really ‘working’ when we work. It’s just a thing we do that we chose to do. Whereas he chooses not to do things, so it’s a unique hardship to expect him to. I know it’s sounds odd.

In terms of contribution, he was left a legacy that meets his needs. As he isn’t ambitious that’s fine for him. As I earn, that’s ok for me. No one goes without. What’s grating is the disparity in effort.

He does see it. It just suits him to do nothing while you do everything.

This is such a depressing thread. I’m sorry that you’ve chosen this life for yourself and for your children.

It doesn’t matter whether he has autism & ADHD or not, the result is the same.
you are upset because he is ignoring you and you can’t get through to him.
Yes if he a diagnosis, you could be understanding and find ways of communicating better (using methods like recording your conversations and writing messages, instead of your current methods of communication which are not working) but even with a diagnosis, the impact is the same on you and your children.
It will kill you eventually from stress. You may as well have spent all these years talking to a wall.

you have to find a way of communicating or get out of there.

I would focus on why you don’t want to end your marriage. Seriously? You can’t imagine why I might want to keep my family together, even under a failing roof?

There’s loads of good advice on this thread and I am so grateful. But the keenness to separate the family isn’t as caring as posters imply. It would be devastating and disruptive. DCs have big years of exams and need support and calm. They have space to work. If I leave they don’t somehow get a new father. We all love the one they have.

@Menomenon
OP, you say you love him, but is it love or co-dependancy?
I didn't want to leave the house I loved, but had to as my ex had the lion's share and I couldn't afford to buy him out. It sound like the situation in reverse for you as you fantasise about living elsewhere.
I appreciate he is your children's father, but as previous posters have said, what does he contribute? He won't even let you try and fix things around the house, that must be so frustrating. I would get a handyman/joiner, but is your DH always at home?

Absolutely this! Would OP not be happier on your own? Can you honestly say even if you love him you are happy? Life is too short to bear other people's troubles and settling for 2nd best. You work OP. You can rent or get yourself sorted quicker than waiting 5 more years...or worse, 15 years from now wish you had a different life. You may love him but f me love isn't enough . It isn't. Happiness is. If he makes you happy fair enough but everything you said points to you being desperately unhappy, ashamed, exasperated and feeling trapped. If you work you are earning and you have options. Hugs and good luck. Clear head... sometimes going nuclear like setting an ultimatum (I'm leaving unless, etc) and seeing it through might be the kick up the but he needs . And if not then you bloody well deserve better and so do your kids x

Regardless of the wide range labels you have given your husband for his behavior , my question is what is yours ????
A diagosis for you is the only reason that would possibly explain you wilfully neglecting your children and forcing them to live as they are .
If you dont have a diagnosis and he does , then you are entirely resposible for the neglect as you have enabled and allowed it to continue.
Shame on you , hopefuly the children talk to someone outside of the home and safeguarding is triggered because based on your posts its there only hope.

Seriously? You can’t imagine why I might want to keep my family together, even under a failing roof?

No I don’t know.

This man has no respect for your or your kids (or himself).

Who let’s their partner work full time and doesn’t bother picking up a couple hours of work themselves to contribute or even take on the role of house parent and do the cooking, cleaning and diy etc.

There is no way I would allow my DD to be raised in a home where I am treated like shit.

There is a reason why you stay and it’s not for the children’s sake but until you’re honest with yourself, then no one can help you and this will never get better.

He considers that I and all other working people are somehow not really ‘working’ when we work. It’s just a thing we do that we chose to do. Whereas he chooses not to do things, so it’s a unique hardship to expect him to. I know it’s sounds odd.

It sounds selfish more than odd.

He knows there are bills to pay.

He knows you work to pay for them.

He doesn't want to work to financially contribute but is happy for you to do so.

And for you to also do all the heavy lifting in every other element of your joint life other than the garden.

Have you never said "but we need £(however much) a month income to live so we can't both opt out of working. Why do you feel it's fair for me to work and you not to do so?"

I'm baffled you're clearly a capable and intelligent woman but seem to be allowing him to cast himself as the victim in this when he's being horrifically selfish.

Your children are being directly, negatively affected by this. They're learning it's normal in a relationship for one partner to do only the bits of adulting and parenthood they want to do and expect the other to pick up the pieces and do everything else.

They're learning that it's a woman's job to placate and enable her partner, even to her own detriment, in order to 'keep the family together' even if that partner is taking advantage of them being capable and hard working.

I know it hurts to think of the effects on them but they're really important. Even if children aren't witnessing traditional overt 'abuse' as such, witnessing dysfunctional, unhappy, unhealthy relationships is so damaging for them in the long term as they are more likely to replicate the dynamic the longer you stay together.