DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

@adriftabroad - I’ve already said she should get divorced. I just think you are massively projecting your own situation onto this by calling the OP financially and domestically (?) abusive and making excuses for her husband.

Divorce. It’s not magic. It just is the solution. Your children will thank you.

This is beyond sad. How much worse off could you actually be? This sounds like a horrendous existence, not just for you but for your kids too. He clearly doesn't value you in any way and is forcing you to live in dilapidation as a means of control. Google sunken costs fallacy. Sometimes it's better to just get rid and deal with the fall out. At least then you can do things on your terms. I say this as someone who was financially abused by my exH . My mh was shot, my kids were small but I'd rather have lived in a cardboard box than one more day with him. He refused to get anything done in the house and would refuse to let tradespeople in. I hated the house with a passion.

I cannot comprehend how on earth you have put up with this for 18 years. Your poor children.

You say you know what neglect is and your children are not neglected. I work in childcare and living environments like yours are massive red flags for neglect in safeguarding training. Your children are embarrassed by their home so as teenagers would no doubt rather hang around the streets which makes them vulnerable. I suspect they at best have no respect for their dad and at worse despise him. The fact he's been forced to engage in family life because of counselling is heartbreaking and I agree with another poster that once the kids have left home he will revert back non engagement.

You say you love your DH but everything you've said about him makes me wonder how or why you love him. You (and the kids) are literally wasting your life. It doesn't sound like your DH will ever change so you either have to put up with it (and risk your children never wanting to visit once they've left home) or you need to strive for a better life and make a stand.

One of the most frightening aspects is what would happen if you became ill or disabled and unable to work anymore?

I can't see him taking care of you.

Have you spoken with any of your friends or family about this marriage?

Fair enough. IMO to confiscate your husbands posessions is domestically abusive.

Each to their own.

You wait till there's boyfriends/girlfriends.

What do you think the chances of them bringing them home are?

I absolutely had the same in an abusive relationship. He won't allow you to make the house a home bc it's 'his'. You'll never have a place to call home whilst with this man. He's happy for you to pay the bills & raise the kids but everything is on his terms by isolating you and the kids won't be visiting you for the holidays, they'll be desperate to get away. It's all about control.

He hasn't worked for 18 years (from the age of 31). That alone would be enough reason to get rid of him, never mind all the other stuff

@adriftabroad well given they have been married for 2 decades and had children and the OP has been the sole earner this whole time but the man has protected his own assets whilst contributing nothing domestically, I’d say he was the abusive one. Each to their own.

But she realises this and isn't going to do it! Plus. It wouldn't work

Please stop projecting @adriftabroad. You are focusing on one minor thing, which is only a very small part of the bigger picture, which you are totally ignoring.

The abuser in this case is the husband, not the OP.

So he's happy for things to continue as they are. He's happy not to work but is content for you to do so. He doesn't clean but is content for you to do so. This situation will carry on for years. I would ask what are his plans if something happens to you. Ie illness/injury. How would he cook? Clean? Who would pay the bills?
You need to sort out his pension in the event something happens to you. Your whole life revolves around supporting him, not upsetting him, running yourself ragged while he keeps throwing barriers up preventing you from a normal life with a equal, supportive, productive husband.
I would keep on at him asking what his plans are 'if something happens to you', he'll fob you off saying you're starting a row but what if you had a serious accident tomorrow? How would the family cope? You are shouldering far, far too much alone. Ask him what his plans are if something happens to you! Start mentioning it daily.

My comment is based on your comment saying you love him and want to stay together. I suggest sitting him down and saying it's the start of a new year i want to make some improvements to our living environment. Then together write a list but don't mention him doing/paying/working. Say can he think of a way to complete the list. Say it would make you happy and give him a few days before mentioning it again. Before everyone bashes me, i am trying to take the OP's views into consideration and not what i would do in this scenario.

I think often both partners display abusive behaviours in a long term dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

I think the fact that you were considering this OP suggests that you are deeply unhappy, and that communication and team work has completely broken down (if it ever existed to start with).

You are deluded or refusing to admit that this whole situation isn't having any impact on your children's mental health now and in the future. They will not thank you for bringing them up in this environment.

Is there a reason he doesn't work? What has he said about it? My DH doesn't work either but there are specific reasons for that.

Your children will leave as soon as they can.
You will lose them as they won't bring their partners or children to visit.

I don't think people understand how debilitating depression can be. I've suffered with it for years and sometimes you just genuinely don't care whether your house is tidy or not. Even getting a vacuum cleaner out feels like too much effort that you just can't muster within yourself. Some people get so unwell with it, even getting out of bed is the only effort they can put in for the day.

True but depression doesn’t tend to cause hyper fixation on specific bizarre tasks.

Sounds lots like my friend's parents. When friend left home. The only way in the end was that her mum brought a property down the road from martial home and lived there. They stayed married but her mother was so much happier with lovely tidy clean house.

I think people do understand.

But OP isn't obliged to stay in a miserable marriage just because her husband has depression. The entire situation is dysfunctional and having a negative impact on her children. She owes it to them to make things better.

Can't you move somewhere else, you have a job, take in a lodger if you need help with costs. Don't tell him you are moving out, just leave a letter on the table.

@whataboutsecondbreakfast True but I would be mortified if my DH wanted to leave me due to my depression. I get that people can only take so much though.

I do not want to argue with you or upset the OP. Or project!

My understanding was that he had been the "house husband", did the childcare when children were young and has assets which bring in some form of income plus owned the home.

ie. he could support himself and family.

I DO see that it could be HIM being abusive but in general I think they both are unreasonble in what each other brings to the marriage and there is clearly no respect.

The title of the OP was what I was initially replying to.