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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

599 replies

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

OP posts:
Stravaig · 01/01/2023 15:47

I think you need to stop identifying your DH as the problem. The entire situation is problematic and you are choosing to keep yourself and your DC in it.

You are placing unexamined feelings of 'love' and inaccurate legal/financial information above what is healthy for you and your DC.

I would consult a lawyer to understand what your legal and financial position is, and have some individual therapy to work through your ideas about love and partnership.

Mirabai · 01/01/2023 15:48

You’re essentially a carer for someone who is quite

….significantly disabled. (That was meant to say).

Parrotid · 01/01/2023 15:54

Stravaig · 01/01/2023 15:47

I think you need to stop identifying your DH as the problem. The entire situation is problematic and you are choosing to keep yourself and your DC in it.

You are placing unexamined feelings of 'love' and inaccurate legal/financial information above what is healthy for you and your DC.

I would consult a lawyer to understand what your legal and financial position is, and have some individual therapy to work through your ideas about love and partnership.

^^This.

Parrotid · 01/01/2023 15:56

OP are you neurodivergent too? You seem to be very very rigid indeed about how things are, and how they must be.

you are the problem.

His needs are being met. Yours are not, and you’re choosing that, daily.

Get assessed - I’d bet cold cash that you have a diagnosis in there and meds might be enough to bump you out of this nauseating rut you’ve fashioned for yourself.

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 01/01/2023 15:57

Mirabai · 01/01/2023 15:48

You’re essentially a carer for someone who is quite

….significantly disabled. (That was meant to say).

I'd agree. But what would the diagnosis be? In the absence of a diagnosis, I don't think he'd be eligible for social care or welfare support.

(I know a number of people like this and who are living in very similar circumstances.)

Mirabai · 01/01/2023 16:05

adultchildofalcoholicparents · 01/01/2023 15:57

I'd agree. But what would the diagnosis be? In the absence of a diagnosis, I don't think he'd be eligible for social care or welfare support.

(I know a number of people like this and who are living in very similar circumstances.)

Show quote history

That’s part of the whole dance of denial isn’t it. No diagnosis, thus no social care involvement. And OP can pretend the situation is just “not perfect” rather than pathologically dysfunctional.

LynetteScavo · 01/01/2023 16:06

For what ever reason your DH is unable to function like a normal adult. You want to stay with him, and that's up to you. But it's not fair in your DC to live in an awful house if you are able to improve it.

I'd act as though he
wasn't there, get the rubbish removed, put in a new bathroom. Him not letting you improve the house is abusive, unless you can't afford it.

If you can afford it and are just letting your DC live in an awful house because of his behaviour it's an awful thing to do to them. Angry

blueshoes · 01/01/2023 16:08

OP, if it is ADHD or neurodiversity at the heart of your dh's issues, I don't think you will be able to change him. Since you have decided not to leave him, you can only mitigation his impact on your and dc's lives.

I note you said that dcs are teens and talking about careers. That is quite mature and sensible of them, thinking of my own dc who are late teens, and not sure or caring what they want to do eventually. I suspect part of the reason could be your dcs see a job and being independent as being ticket out of their home environment, which cannot be easy. I speak from personal experience coming from a childhood that was secure and well provided in many ways but difficult and insecure in others and I could not wait to get independent and be able to stand on my own two feet because of the atmosphere at home. Funnily enough, me and all my siblings have moved abroad but we are still in touch with our parents and the relationship much better.

If I were you, I would plan to untangle myself from the awful home environment once the children have left for university or home. That is not long more. This way, the impact on the dcs is minimised. You can look into the cost of renting nearby. I don't know anything about whether you can claim a share of the house. I suspect you will have to divorce or separate from him as a condition which you are not wanting to do. The way to free yourself of his toxic hold over you via the house is to live separately.

Even if your dh does not get a job, you could help him apply for Personal Independence Payment (PIP). It is a massive form and you probably need a diagnosis and gather evidence. But you have time and you sound very capable, having managed a ft job, childcare and household practically single-handedly.

Here are tips www.benefitsandwork.co.uk/news/claiming-pip-for-adults-with-add-adhd

You will need his co-operation (ok, that might be difficult) and have him appoint you as his appointee because he is not going to do any of this himself, which is the whole issue with ADHD. As his appointee you can speak up for him and fill in the form and go through the entire process for him.

That way, you don't have the sole burden (including mental) of financially supporting him.

Lesserorfewer · 01/01/2023 16:09

You definitely do need legal advice. I’ve actually been through a divorce, in Scotland, where I owned the house prior to marriage, ex’s name was never on deeds or mortgage and he never paid a single penny towards it.
He was entitled to his share of it as it was the ‘marital home’ and that was decreed by his solicitor, my solicitor and later the judge (sheriff) in the divorce.

Ohdofuckofdear · 01/01/2023 16:09

OP what you do need to prepare yourself for is that when your DC are older and move out they may not choose to visit you at your home,they may not be comfortable bringing home any boyfriends/girlfriends and if they go onto have DC what happens if they don't want they're DC to go into Nanny and Grandads house because of what it's like

If you can honestly say hand on heart that it wouldn't bother you then carry on as you are! But if it would be upsetting to you then you need to start changing things and you need to start changing it now before it's too late.

I had a couple of friends that grew up in the same sort of situation and sadly they're relationship's with they're parents broke down as they got older and they're parents have never been allowed to look after they're DGC in they're own home and it's really sad for all involved.

adriftabroad · 01/01/2023 16:12

The OP needs to get divorced flapjack, she is definitely having controlling and domestically abusive thoughts. This must be horrible for her.

Divorce is horrible and inconvenient, but it is a dead relationship that sounds toxic. Nobody will tell her "yes, confiscate his posessions" or "leave a list of tasks" it is pathetic.

If it it is as she says, yes, she will have to home herself and live a life to the standard she desires. Protect her DCs.

I would like to know what childcare he did. How old the DCs are.

I 100% know there are 2 sides to this.

My excuse is I waited until DD was an age she could stand up in court and say exactly who she wanted to live with 100% of the time and it count. (Despite being told I was lazy, dirty, not cleaning enough, forbidden things...) etc...

Karwomannghia · 01/01/2023 16:12

I agree that whilst he thinks he doesn’t want to spend time with you etc he benefits from it. You’re sacrificing yours and your children’s lives to support your dh which he resents. It doesn’t need to be like this.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 01/01/2023 16:13

Your useless husband is having a very negative affect in your kids if they can't even bring friends home, plus it's not exactly giving them a role model. You need to set some boundaries if you won't get rid of this cocklodger. He sounds awful.

takealettermsjones · 01/01/2023 16:15

herebehippos · 01/01/2023 14:33

You sound like my mother. Your DH sounds like a carbon copy of my father. You could be writing about my childhood. This:
" We do a lot together as a family and they love it. Board games, visiting friends, walks. All - all without exception - are suggested by me and initially resisted by DH (‘the weather might change’) but he will do it (another thing that came out of counselling was joining in)
My job is demanding but I am a committed parent. The DCs have had a fun, enriched childhood. They know DH’s is not an adulthood they want (although they would never say that). They are teens and talk about their careers. They will be fineI " is almost a direct quote of what she would and did say.

My mother was wrong, I think it is extremely likely you are too. It is neglect, I have had counselling as an adult because of it, and when you describe his behaviour as abusive and gaslighting over the years, you are very deluded if you think your children are unaware of this- I was and it is pretty much impossible for any child not to notice these dynamics, we just believe it is normal when it is not. My mother swears blind we were never impacted by my father's behaviours or any abuse of her- we were, and actually, he was far more abusive of his children than he was of her because it was much easier for him to cover up, especially in terms of gas lighting.

I blame them both for the mess made of my childhood and resent her massively for not leaving him. She is still there, still unhappy, still saying their love and her vows outweigh his massive drain on every aspect of her life. She, like you, says she can't afford to leave him, that it would have ruined our childhoods. I wish she had left him when we were children, or teens, no matter how hard it was and I hope one day she will stop enabling him and leave him to live her own life. Please reconsider and leave your DH, if not for your own sake, for your children.

Please listen to this poster OP.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/01/2023 16:15

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 09:57

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

I think it would be incredibly wrong to take away his stuff. He’s an adult and perfectly able to do hobbies without permission.

however you’re also perfectly able to also make your own choices and decisions and not put up with certain behaviours as your also an adult.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 01/01/2023 16:16

Also, why are you not on the deeds? Are you a complete dishrag? You are doing all the hard work, for what?

SHNBV · 01/01/2023 16:18

I haven’t read the full thread but am aware this is a thread that comes up most months.

1.I have ADHD. I cannot focus on things I am not interested in and this includes cleaning. My husband has had to take responsibility for a long time. I’m incredibly efficient at house work when I’m medicated but meds make me snappy. Im figuring out what I want re meds but my husband has stated he’d rather do the housework for the rest of our marriage than live with the side effects of my previous medication.

Were both ‘demand avoidant’ but share many of the same goals and are happy to work in our own way and on our own time so get along great most of the time and our workload is shared fairly equally.

2.My MIL is married to a neurodivergent man whose also an absolute tosser. She feels stuck in her marriage due to her finances. She despises her husband and has brought a caravan in the north east that she escapes to most of the time to avoid him, so she has a pretty grim retirement to look forward to in a few years time.

If he’s happy to address his disabilities and try meds, as well as different coping strategies great, if not, from what I’ve read LTB

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 01/01/2023 16:18

If your relationship is at this point I think you need to separate. It’s clearly not making either of you happy.

justasking111 · 01/01/2023 16:27

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 14:29

In a previous life I worked for a children’s charity. I know what neglect is And the many and varied ways it can present. DC are not neglected - there are lots of things I am blind to or minimise. But this one is not one of them. Hope that reassures the posters who were concerned.

That said, the state of the house is undoubtedly a big negative in their lives. And mine. And DH’s.

A family at school were like this. Mum had brain damage, dad kept his head down and worked. The kids didn't bring anyone home other kids do feel weird vibes and clock the chaos. Kids were bright. Eldest escaped to university to live normally. Youngest now working saving up to leave home whilst doing an apprenticeship.

You have to accept when your children are adults they'll distance themselves from the chaos and you. Maybe then you will be able to move on with your own life, with or without him

NotAnotherCrisis · 01/01/2023 16:27

One of my inlaws can never have our DC at their house, due to the state of their house, and it doesn't even sound as bad as yours. So sad.

It might have been 'his' house initially but it's your home, get rid of the sofa and get the other issues sorted ASAP without his input.

DarceyG · 01/01/2023 16:27

Menomenon · 01/01/2023 10:07

Ok, thanks for the replies. I am with him because I love him, we have been through loads of life events and memories, and on balance I consider that the DC will be happiest with both parents. Although his behaviour has negatively impacted their childhoods in lots of ways by the environment, he and his family have been positive overall.

I spend a lot of time fantasising about living somewhere else.

You sound like you have no self esteem or self worth. Are you really this desperate. Sorry but how can you possible love such a big useless lump. Gobsmacked to be honest. Wake up.

Nocutenamesleft · 01/01/2023 16:29

Reading this

you’re also teaching your children that healthy relationships are abusive and that’s ok. you’d be happy if your daughter had a husband like him? You’d be really really happy with that would you?

DarceyG · 01/01/2023 16:34

Poor kids, their lives sound seriously depressing. What a depressing post to hear a qrown woman speak like this. It’s not the 40s sort your life out for your children.

monsteramunch · 01/01/2023 16:37

you’re also teaching your children that healthy relationships are abusive and that’s ok. you’d be happy if your daughter had a husband like him? You’d be really really happy with that would you?

I think this is something it's really important for you to take on board OP.

And that even if you don't see your relationship as abusive, you're teaching your children that this dynamic of carer and enabler is normal in a relationship. Even if you tell it isn't normal, you're showing them that it is.

Wouldn't it break your heart for your kids to end up in one of those roles as adults? The longer they live with you both together, the more likely that is to happen.

monsteramunch · 01/01/2023 16:40

monsteramunch · 01/01/2023 16:37

you’re also teaching your children that healthy relationships are abusive and that’s ok. you’d be happy if your daughter had a husband like him? You’d be really really happy with that would you?

I think this is something it's really important for you to take on board OP.

And that even if you don't see your relationship as abusive, you're teaching your children that this dynamic of carer and enabler is normal in a relationship. Even if you tell it isn't normal, you're showing them that it is.

Wouldn't it break your heart for your kids to end up in one of those roles as adults? The longer they live with you both together, the more likely that is to happen.

Sorry that should have said:

And that even if you don't see your relationship as abusive, you're teaching your children that this dynamic of an either wilfully or unknowingly 'helpless' or selfish person being supported by a carer and enabler is normal in a relationship. Even if you tell it isn't normal, you're showing them that it is.