DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

I'm afraid I'd be worried about this too. Seeing you obviously unhappy and compensating. Seeing their Dad being lazy. It's not a good role model. If you're main breadwinner you would be able to support them and let him work out that you have to work to run a home/ eat/ heat / drive.

100% this. There are loads of Women (even on here) who’ve been doing this for years.

It’s the usual ‘all Men are shit’ MN responses usually from a certain group.

What is the reason the OP stays? The house/joint assets I would bet.

Hi OP. Sorry about your DH

You have basically described my FIL. He is a hoarder and I suspect on the autistic spectrum.
He lives in isolation and is isolating, even when his wife was alive - she died in 2020. He is 79.

I find him extremely hard work due to his negativity and his inability to see how bad his house is - I have known him nearly 20 years. He fixates on sorting out a cutlery drawer but doesn't see the room you can hardly get into due to all the shit in there. We have offered to help but it is all 'Fine'

Your DH WILL be affecting your DC.

DH has 2 DB's. All of them are in their 40s.
DH said when he went to secondary school he stopped inviting his friends around as he was so embarrassed by his home (I found this heart breaking)

He left for uni and never really went back.

As adults they rarely go back to the 'family' home as it is just so awful to be in. We go to my mum and dad's more and they live 4 hours away, FIL lives an hour away.

If your DC get partners, they might find your environment very difficult to be in and avoid coming to visit. I would never stop my DH from visiting his dad but I don't encourage it either. I actively try to minimise the amount of time my DC have with my FIL as he is so negative all the time, fixates on weird stuff and I don't want them to think that his house is normal.

1 of DH's DB is a carbon copy of his DF. No friends, no interests, very negative. I can't see him forming any sort of relationship whether it be friendship or something deeper.

The other DB has married a lovely woman, my SIL, but she is a hoarder and he doesn't know how to stop this vicious cycle so he enables her. I guess it's what he knows.

All the brothers are introverts and find it harder to very difficult to make friends. My DH is the most 'extrovert' and independent of all of them, although if you met him you'd probably think he's a quiet man.

They describe their childhood Christmases as dull and boring.

They could have had such different outcomes if they had got away from FIL. MIL was young and naive and essentially enabled his lifestyle.

FIL has not and will not ever change.

You need to decide whether you can put up with this (you have for 18 years!) or whether this is genuinely good for your DC. Personally I would go and see a divorce lawyer, the house being entirely his doesn't sound right.

err, 49 years old versus 79 is a bit of a difference.

He's a loser.

@Menomenon
If the garden is his passion - yet the front looks awful, what happens when you appeal to his skills/ideas/passion in actually sorting the front garden?

If you said lets book the man and van to do a tip run this Friday/next week/third Wednesday of the month, taking x, y, (lets make a list of what needs to go and get it ready) Also what else can go the same time?
Then, when that's cleared what can you/he plan for that area/ those areas to improve its appearance?

How would that work?

@adriftabroad

My point is that he has never changed in the 20 years I have known him and the 40+years my DH has known him.

I am describing what's potentially OP's future. Particularly when DC have left home and get partners.

By staying with this man you are making your children live in squalor. You tell yourself it's ok because the family unit is intact. It is not ok and your children will not thank you for it.

Surely you will be happier renting a nice small place where dc can come and go as they like?
Leave dh to his house
Or do you plan to stay there with him when dc left home? How will that be wonderful for you?

You seem to have completely disconnected from your DH's behaviour and the part you play in it. Seemingly because a therapist told you you can only control yourself. However, what you are actually doing is enabling him massively. And allowing your home, your children's home, to be an absolute dump.

You also seem to think this will have no impact on your kids, yet you describe it as being in such a bad state that cleaners won't clean it. Frankly your descriptions sound dangerous. How do you think your kids feel about living in a home that they are too embarrased to bring their kids into? It may not be neglect, but it's a pretty crap experience for them, no matter how many lovely days you and your DH (reluctantly) take them on.

It's also odd how you infantalise your DH. He doesn't realise what joy you and your kids bring him? Such an odd perspective on an adult you share your life with.

Honestly, there is no way that I would continue to live like this. I would get ths house sorted and/or leave DH. If you do, be aware that it is actively choosing it. You are not some inactive bystander in what is happening.

If you don't*

But DH is the problem and it’s him that really needs to ‘do’ things.

You're right. He should. But we all know he won't. So either leave (my first choice), or accept this as your life for you and your children. Until they leave.

Because despite being 'fiendishly clever' he has no need or desire to do anything. Especially not for you as he thinks you're evil.

Have you tried giving him one or two tasks a day such as clear half the table of papers and vacuum the living room? Little quick wins I find is a good approach. It is easy to become completely overwhelmed when there is so much to do. If he is on the spectrum or adhd he will struggle to find a starting point and remain focused. Write the tasks down on paper and be very specific with what you are asking him to do.

I’m a children's social worker. I know what neglect is and indeed the varied ways it can present. By your own descriptions alone, there is neglect in your children’s lives. Probably not to the extent that social care involvement would be needed, but certainly to the extent that it will have a long term impact upon your children and their future relationships with you and potentially with others.

I’ve talked to children who are embarrassed about their home conditions and won’t invite friends round. It absolutely impacts them socially and emotionally.

You make whatever choices you want to, as an adult, but you need to realise that your children don’t have that agency and rely on you and their father… until they no longer have to.

OP with all due respect it shouldn’t even be the main factor that your kids can’t bring friends over
You should be more concerned that your house sounds unsafe. Combined with an unusable basement?!

if he won’t sell it that’s on him. Doesn’t mean you can’t leave it.
I would. He sounds a nightmare.

I think yabu as I’m not sure why you are still with him

You could build a better life surely

Probably will not have the decision eventually OP. Either he also disrespects you, is also not happy and also planning to leave or you do it first.

Either way, you will both be better off going forward.

You will not have to consider confiscating things from your husband or any other adult. You will also only have youself to blame if the house is not of an acceptable standard. Win win.

Sorry you are going through this OP.
One thing that strikes me is that marriage should not be this hard!!
I could not live like this..
Do you have any protection if your name is not on the deeds.?

OP when you come home from work and ask him why he hasn’t cleaned the bathrooms/sorted out the front of the house or whatever since he has so much time on his hands, what would his answer be then? I’m just wondering how the conversation goes, it would be easier to help you.

This man’s mental health problems go way beyond depression/ ADHD/ PDA, surely you realise that OP. You’re essentially a carer for someone who is quite

It’s quite possible on the spectrum but without any professional diagnosis you’ve no idea what you’re dealing with.

The result is a painfully naive, enabling and self-deceiving co-dependency. If he is not diagnosed and treated his behaviours will most likely escalate as he ages. And even if he were to be treated, they may escalate all the same.

You’re facing a future of working until you’re retire and becoming his FT carer a deteriorating building that will eventually become dangerous (if it is not already)

You need to have the courage to be a lot more honest than you’ve managed thus far. And the nonsense about the house sale and 50:50 custody must stop.

To all those saying leave or kick him out it amazes me how many of you have a "perfect relationship"

No, we have higher boundaries. Living with someone like the OP’s husband is a not unreasonable deal breaker for most people.

This isn’t love it’s just low self worth and fear of being alone.

I’m inclined to agree. Although she gets “free” housing right now, although I’m not sure if living in a tumbledown, leaky, dangerous sounding house is worth it.

Those are excellent questions @Motelschmotel. I hope the OP can be honest with herself. I would also ask what kind of role model is he, and does she really know how this is going to affect the DC long term? All they see is a waste of space father who shows zero respect or consideration towards his wife and children.

How on earth did you meet and marry in the first place @Menomenon?

@adriftabroad - you obviously have your own difficult situation going on but I think you are being very unfair on OP. She sounds at the end of tether and has already said she won’t take the gardening things. And yes she probably is staying for the house as the (possibly incorrect) advice she has been given would mean walking away with nowhere to live but handing over half her pension and savings to a man who hasn’t worked for 18 years but also hasn’t parented or done any domestic duties either.

I would still like to know how that makes her abusive in your eyes? What should she be doing to continue to enable another able bodied adult who has chosen to spend the past 18 years creating woodchip whilst neglecting any responsibility to his wife, children or house.

Find a rental for you and the DC then give your DH a list of jobs he needs to do to improve the house so you can move back.
This will give you a break from the house and some space to see what your life could be like, your teens can vote with their feet.
It will also show you if your DH is willing to step up when family life as he knows it is on the line.

You have contributed to the upkeep of the house over the years. As well as keeping him and yours and his children fed. If he likes gardening would he not consider doing that as a job? Make an appointment with CAB to see if there's anything you can do about getting a share of the house if you do decide to leave.

My ex was a hoarder with tools. He was a tradesman and did work. But a lot of what he earnt was spent in the pub or going to watch the football. He spent so much time working in other peoples homes making they're home look lovely. But never any on his own.I got out when they were 3 and 6. The best thing I ever did.