DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

So what do you love about him? The gaslighting, the abuse, the neglect, the hoarding, the failure to do anything round the the house, the lack of support, the dirtiness, the spending the money you earn on wood chippers? No, he plays the occasional board game and goes on a walk after a moan. What a man.

You need some counselling for yourself or maybe a new pair of eyes to see the shit situation you've put yourself, and more importantly, your children in.

Your home life and your dc sounds grim. They live a dirty, dated house which has problems with the roof I'm assuming damp issues, no one wants to pay for repairs and they have a work shy father. Your dc deserve better than this.

I wish my parents got divorced when I was a teenager but it took my Mum until she was in her 60s to leave my Dad. He was an arse, the kids aren’t always better off with parents who are together.

Op said they have children

YWBU to confiscate his stuff. Surely people would be screaming abuse if the sexes were reversed? YWNBU to leave him or kick him out, he sounds bloody hopeless.

You wanted some tips to improve things...

• Max out your pension and investments to account for him not doing his share of this by working. You may have to increase your hours or salary to finance this.
• Be 100% responsible for all elements of the house. Cleaning, organising tradesmen and being at home to facilitate them so your husband doesn't sabotage.

Hopefully your kids will then feel able to invite people home and you stand a chance of meeting their future adult partner and possible future children.

This isn’t love it’s just low self worth and fear of being alone.

In a previous life I worked for a children’s charity. I know what neglect is And the many and varied ways it can present. DC are not neglected - there are lots of things I am blind to or minimise. But this one is not one of them. Hope that reassures the posters who were concerned.

That said, the state of the house is undoubtedly a big negative in their lives. And mine. And DH’s.

My exh was exactly like this, except his hobby was making model airplanes out of wood... inside the house!
We are now divorced and he's still got no interest in my DS's.. or they him
He won't change, he's a parasite draining you emotionally and financially
Start Divorce proceedings and get rid of this Millstone around your neck

What a complicated situation. My mind is reeling just thinking about all the things you have to deal with. A few questions if possible:

1. do you enjoy your work? Would you be doing this job for you and your DC anyway?
2. is your DH independently wealthy? If not, does he understand that you are working for him?
3. do you feel you have “enough” joy in your life? Do you have to work to manufacture it?
4. does your DH independently bring you any moments of joy?
5. How do you envisage your life when your children have left home and it’s just the two of you?
6. do you like your DH? Respect him? Do you just feel obligated towards him?

Its difficult to tell whether you’re landed gentry or struggling with income/assets, so difficult to tell if you have financial stress on top of this mental and relationship stress. But you do come across as very level headed for a woman I’m this situation with teenaged DC. I doff cap to you.

There is more to parenting than playing boardgames and going for walks. Your own kids won’t want to come visit you in the future, that is the effect of pretty bad parenting.

I totally agree with this
Some women are just plain lazy and use pnd as an excuse to sit on their ass all day
If the shoe was on the other foot and it was a man saying about taking something away he would be branded abusive and controling
To all those saying leave or kick him out it amazes me how many of you have a "perfect relationship" or is it your so misrible in your own lives that you want to make others misrible too
I agree he should make more of an effort around the house and tidy up the front garden however there may well be underlying causes as to why he doesn't

Get down from your ivory towers and give some constructive advice rather than jumping on the kick him out and leave bandwagon

I'll apologize now if I offended anyone with this post
Oh and if you want to slag me off feel free to private message me rather than being a keyboard warrior on an open thread
Peace and love and happy New year

You sound like my mother. Your DH sounds like a carbon copy of my father. You could be writing about my childhood. This:
" We do a lot together as a family and they love it. Board games, visiting friends, walks. All - all without exception - are suggested by me and initially resisted by DH (‘the weather might change’) but he will do it (another thing that came out of counselling was joining in)
My job is demanding but I am a committed parent. The DCs have had a fun, enriched childhood. They know DH’s is not an adulthood they want (although they would never say that). They are teens and talk about their careers. They will be fineI " is almost a direct quote of what she would and did say.

My mother was wrong, I think it is extremely likely you are too. It is neglect, I have had counselling as an adult because of it, and when you describe his behaviour as abusive and gaslighting over the years, you are very deluded if you think your children are unaware of this- I was and it is pretty much impossible for any child not to notice these dynamics, we just believe it is normal when it is not. My mother swears blind we were never impacted by my father's behaviours or any abuse of her- we were, and actually, he was far more abusive of his children than he was of her because it was much easier for him to cover up, especially in terms of gas lighting.

I blame them both for the mess made of my childhood and resent her massively for not leaving him. She is still there, still unhappy, still saying their love and her vows outweigh his massive drain on every aspect of her life. She, like you, says she can't afford to leave him, that it would have ruined our childhoods. I wish she had left him when we were children, or teens, no matter how hard it was and I hope one day she will stop enabling him and leave him to live her own life. Please reconsider and leave your DH, if not for your own sake, for your children.

however there may well be underlying causes as to why he doesn't
Very true! just what excuse IS he using to sit on his ass all day??

He is forcing himself to do stuff like going for walks, eat out and play boardgames because that’s what the councellor told him he had to do with his children. Once they’ve moved out, do you think he will continue to force himself when it’s just the two of you?

do any people come and visit OP?

if you’re so sure they’re not neglected - would you be happy for a social worker to visit and assess the house? Hand on heart?

I think is be leaving tbh, long ago.

So fast forward 15 yrs. Teens have left home thinking it's OK to gaslight and abuse your partner and it's better to subject your dc to this than have their one loving parent bring them up in a safe, clean environment (even if it is smaller) that they can bring friends to.

The house still isn't being maintained and is needing a big financial injection to make it habitable for your retirement. DH still not prepared to face what needs to be done. No concern for the impact on your health or his.

You are completely worn down with the futility of trying to get him to take part in your life. As the dc have left there are no family outings, board game sessions etc to enable you to pretend that you have a happy family life. You will have continued to resent him and be frustrated by him at what cost to your own health and happiness.

If there are DGCs you will have to visit them.

Do you really want this as your future?

word for word you sound like my domestically and financially abusive husband.

(DD is 14 though, and I am not in UK, so am isolated, only noteable difference. Married for 18 years though)

How can you find a man who doesn’t work sexy? He has no depth without a career.

funnily enough my STBXH is refusing my request for divorce also... something does not ring true to me.

@adriftabroad - In what way is the OP financially and domestically abusive?

Not in the slightest, to be honest.

Allowing your children to live in a home like this when you have the finances to fix it is absolutely neglect. It's disgusting the way you're defending this - you're just as bad as he is.

to threaten to take things from him?

Does she control other things?

What is he putting in to the relationship, household and raising of your children?