DH will not work. Can I take away his hobby equipment?

[Menomenon]

DH is 49 and hasn’t had a job for 18yrs. Before that he was in a basic role not earning much. He has some investments so these bring in a small amount. He went back to Uni and got a degree but hasn’t used it. When DC were little he would say he was a househusband, now he doesn’t even have that cover.

I work full time. He does almost nothing around the house. He is obsessive about the lawn and paths in our back garden but the front of the house looks dysfunctional. We have rubbish, old sofa, broken drains etc. Our house inside is awful - the DC won’t bring friends home. He will not do anything. I try to fix things but get shouted at or told he will sort or whatever. Cleaners leave.

He spends all day faffing on obsessive garden projects which he can pass off as ‘needed’. They sort of are needed (but way, way, way down the list). He barely cleans and won’t do anything practical/handy.

WIBU to take away and store his garden stuff until some of the urgent items around the house/for the family get completed?

Given you have let this go on for 18+ years the chances of him suddenly being employable are pretty slim. Would he be prepared to do courses relevant to his "hobby" so that he could be useful commercially? Tree warden, Forestry, horticulture, landscaping? Is it the emotional pressure on you or financial issues due to one salary that prevent sorting the house put?

"He gets a lot of joy from us all".

How can that be true if you say

"He thinks... I am an evil person" ?

This doesn't make sense to me. Unless the joy is seeing everybody around him miserable in which case why would you stay with a man like that?

I'm wondering what you learned in your own childhood OP, as you have very low standards and are enabling this awful situation. I don't think you know what a healthy relationship looks like.

Get some therapy of your own.

you need to be aware that you have no control over him - he is doing what he wants - mainly avoiding life. He has deep rooted issues. He doesn’t want to be “seen”:- hence the focus on the back garden - you are living in a poor environment with YOUR children embarrassed about this.
Im curious as to what his child hood was like?
He’s isolated and avoiding others. Does he have friends or his own parents siblings around -

Surely a rational person would move out with the children and leave him to it, he seems beyond help but you can't let him destroy all of you .......surely?

OP, you are saying that the change needs to come from your husband and using that as your excuse for not taking action.

Your children deserve to live in a well maintained environment to which they can invite friends. The fact that they do not have that is totally in your control.

You could remain married to your husband but live apart.
What makes you think that your teenage children would be somehow traumatized by living in a well maintained home? I doubt that you would prevent them from seeing their father. They would actually gain a toehold into a normal home environment and would still have an opportunity to spend time with their father.

The truth is that you are prepared to remain in that setting no matter how unhealthy it is for your children. You are happy enough to identify your husband's failings but less willing to own your own failings.

What have you done to ensure that your children have a suitable home environment? Getting counseling for him was an effort focused on fixing him, but what have you dine to fix you? You are as responsible for the situation in which your children live as he his.

A family outing to the zoo or museum is not an adequate substitute or alternative for a well maintained home. Children should not be offered one versus the other. They are entitled to both.

In an earlier post op describes her DH: “However he is fiendishly clever.”

Yes, I’d say he certainly is fiendishly clever he’s managed to parlay his single asset, a dilapidated house that’s fallen into ruin thanks to his laziness, into being financially supported by op for almost two decades, allowed to do as he pleases, or nothing at all, besides a apparently pointless hobby mainly involving wood chips (equipment also paid for by op), and the odd trip to an exhibition (which he’s then kind enough to regale them all about), while the whole family’s needs (uncertain retirement finances, roof falling in on their heads, dodgy electrics/plumbing, kids’ embarrassment, unusable spaces due to hoarding, …) are completely subservient to this dysfunction because he’s occasionally engaging, otherwise refusing to entertain any request to change or contribute meaningfully by work, housework or diy. Chapeau to this bloke, being enabled to check out and live the life of Riley completely on his own terms and his wife’s dime, while she takes on all responsibility and mental load, while he devotes all his time to the truly important matters of ensuring the correct grades of chippings and soil acidity are present in a small select area of the back garden, fiendishly clever indeed. Please Netflix, commission a documentary on this fascinating individual, I for one would love to know the secret to get a whole family set up to serve my bizarre behaviours and he would surely be held up as a shining example to feckless twats everywhere.

He’s got it made hasn’t he? He gets to do literally whatever he wants and his wife will continue to downplay the effects on the children because she doesn’t want to change her lifestyle by leaving.
He won’t change OP, he’s made that clear. So what are you going to do to make life better for your children?

She thinks he is fiendishly clever because that's the only way she can reconcile her situation, everything is so bent out of shape because his weirdness dominates the household and she can't tell up from down

The trouble is - you’re asking for advice on how to rectify a situation which the vast majority of (sane) women just cannot imagine themselves ever being in. There is not a single person I know who would have stayed in this life as long as you have. Anyone with any sense whatsoever would have left a long, long time ago. I don’t say that to be mean, but just to show the difficulty everyone is going to have in answering your question: ‘what do I do now?’. Well, we don’t really have any clue. No one really knows what to say other than ‘how on earth did you let it get this far?’

I’ve voted YABU because this won’t solve anything, he’ll either buy or borrow some more or use it as a stick to beat you with. Also, gently, OP you can’t be unaware of what a big deal living in the conditions you have mentioned is, plus living with someone who refuses to pull their weight is, and what a terrible example it sets for your kids. Them not being able to bring friends back just because of the house is just so sad and it will be affecting them far more than you seem to realise. I really think you need to either get out with the kids or be absolutely ruthless with money and save some money up to sort the place out.

I see what you are doing for your DC and I understand and somewhat admire you for it.
DH sounds very difficult, but glad you have some good times too, else I could absolutely not understand.
What happens once they've left home? It sounds like you are starting to get to end of tether? Also, are DC on board with a need for change, can they help you clear and fix etc?

This is so helpful, I am so grateful to everyone posting. The posts about ND and questions about this are especially helpful, as it reminds me that this is basically a question of a) my behaviour and b) his autism (?). Really interesting to hear that is responsive to medication and also a private diagnosis might be useful (I’d previously read on MN that these were a waste of time).

To answer some Qs:

• counselling told me I can only change myself - I’ve worked to find joy and cheerfulness in my life and my DCs
• he has very little insight into what he likes eg he doesn’t know he needs clean sheets but I change them once a week and he always sleeps better.
• he would take medication (he takes it for depression)
• his behaviour has absolutely been abusive at points over the years - a lot of gaslighting
• his behaviour is not intended as an abuse of me. He doesn’t consider me or anyone else. He is not scheming.

Well he won’t change after 18 yrs - surely you know that? Unless of course you threaten to leave and start to go through with it - maybe this may jolt him into action but I doubt it would last long term.

You can’t change him but you can change you!

But DH is the problem and it’s him that really needs to ‘do’ things.

The thing is OP he doesn’t want to. You’ve tried to address with with him several times and he has taken no responsibility for it.

I have ADHD, usually manifests in severe overwhelm and avoidance. But I recognise that it is not healthy for myself or my child to live in a shithole, live in chaos, live with one partner running ragged while the other does fuck all. It’s not healthy for anyone. I stepped up and did what I needed to do to get my shit together, get meds, sort out therapy, established daily routines and implemented techniques to make me function “normally” again. I still have days / weeks when it gets on top of me, and when it’s really bad it can be a fog and I’ll bury my head but I KNOW it’s down to me and I’ll pull my head out my arse and sort it. This is why millions of other adults with ND crack on and do what we need to for our selves, partners and children… because we care. Because we love them and understand it’s not fair or right to inflict this on people you love. Using a ND to excuse his behaviour is not ok. It isn’t ok he is subjecting his children to living in a dangerous and disgusting house, ND or not.

The fact he isn’t even willing to seek medical advice is a screaming red flag. He doesn’t want to get a diagnosis because he enjoys this life. He enjoys not having to put any effort in, just doing what he wants. If he cared in anyway shape or form about you or the kids he would try and change.

I recommend copious amounts of alcohol and and weed...for you.

There are no tips or tricks. You just have to accept it. If you want the house cleaned, fixed, decluttered, you're going to have to do it yourself from start to finished with zero input from him.

I don't even know why you bother to ask him or allow him to have a say in any of it either. You mentioned sabotaging tradies. Why give him the opportunity to do it?

You hire the person to fix whatever. They come and do it.
I suspect he's worn you down over the years with his abusive ways, you don't bother to fight it anymore.

Arguments are pointless. He knows you'll have some words and he'll continue to do exactly as he always has.

I find it hard to believe your therapist hasn't encouraged you to leave this toxic mess.

With your strong denial, I wouldn't be so sure about how your DC feel about it.

After 2 decades of this shit, it's understandable why you can't see the possibility of a better life. Like frogs in the boiling pot.

But you wanted tips and tricks...
I recommend copious amounts of alcohol and and weed...for you.

Aside from your own mental health, I wouldn't be so sure this isn't impacting your kids in very serious ways. If nothing else you are teaching them it's okay to stay in an untenable situation rather than do something about it, that's it's just fine to stay in what is essentially an abusive relationship. They absolutely will be internalising all of this, and it will play out in their lives one way or another.

I think you should stop using your children as an excuse and realise both of you are the problem - him for behaving like this and you for putting up with it.

his behaviour is not intended as an abuse of me. He doesn’t consider me or anyone else. He is not scheming
If it is not abuse then what is it?
Sounds to me like it's a failure to recognise that you are human beings with thoughts and feelings of your own who deserve consideration from another human being?
It sounds like solipsism where he's the only one that matters and no one else exists as a person

But this is not an equal relationship. You have teens, there is absolutely no need for him to be at home. He should be working and contributing. Not acting like a parasite.

How can you sleep in the same bed as him? How can you find him attractive? I wouldn't be able to look at him let alone have sex with him.

I hope when your teens are in adulthood they make sensible relationship choices and don't get saddled with an abusive, lazy man. You're setting a terrible example to them.

I'd simply get rid of the husband. His behaviour isn't going to change after so many years.

I'm undergoing testing and investigations for autism myself, in my 50s. It doesn't excuse poor behaviour and he should be pulling his weight.

his behaviour has absolutely been abusive at points over the years - a lot of gaslighting

This statement is at odds with this:

his behaviour is not intended as an abuse of me. He doesn’t consider me or anyone else. He is not scheming.

People who gaslight others know what they are doing.

I left my ex after 30 years. He had depression, but that didn't excuse his abusive behaviour.

I agree with this. I have mental health issues due to childhood trauma. Yes it makes some normal things incredibly f*ing difficult, and sometimes I have bad periods. But I try to do what I can, and I work hard at treatment so that things can improve over time. It's not okay to just do nothing about your issues for 18 years while they impact your loved ones.

Spot on. He’s no mug is he, not having to work or do anything for a living?

I’m flabbergasted that OP is continuing to put up with this. I would have moved out with the kids a long time ago, even if it meant moving into a bloody hovel.

He’s a c*nt.

And OP you need to wise up and stop allowing him to treat you and the kids like shit. I’m afraid you’re letting them down by allowing this to continue.

This situation sounds awful. Your poor children.

The house will fall further into disrepair. Damp, leaks, mould.

You will be working for the foreseeable future to support your useless lump of a husband and when you’re too frail to work, you’ll both be in abject poverty. How bloody depressing!!

OK fair enough, that's your choice.

It sounds like, contrary to what pp have said, he has "brought things" to the relationship by supplying the house that you live in without a mortgage or rent, and some income from investments. He hasn't had to work for those things, but I don't suppose that matters from a practical point of view. If you had a house because your husband had spent your whole marriage working hard to pay the mortgage, you might have more respect for the husband but the house would still be a house.

So if the problem is that he doesn't do anything for the upkeep of the house, isn't the solution to get a cleaner?

This man has a perfect life where he can think only about himself and indulge his particular narrow interests
he's like a 4-year old child who just wants to play with his LEGO all day long and have everything done for him