To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

The trouble is, he's said all this before hasn't he and yet nothing changed. Certainly not long term.
I think you're doing the right thing by moving away. I really do and I imagine your son will be happy to have you closer.

Why on earth are you still with him?

Dump him & start building your own life where you can easily include your son.

Sorry OP I didn’t read all your posts before replying. This is kind, sound advice. I wish you well in your new life!

Hello OP. I wish you all the best. Try not to be angry at yourself. You can only do what you think is the best decision at the time in life.

Please get out of this abusive relationship now. This man is using you and does not love you. Women please stop sacrificing so much for a man when he is not willing to do even half as much for you. Live your life for yourself. I think things will definitely start improving for you after you leave him. I wish you all the best x

As some PPs have said, I too am interested in his health in so far as it affects his behaviour towards you, OP. If he is being tested for coeliac disease, then he will have been told to continue eating gluten for testing purposes. If he is not now eating gluten then he has either has misunderstood, or is not presenting the process of diagnosis accurately to you.

I'm glad you've decided to go. There's a whole new world ahead.

I think his response shows that his behaviour is down to abuse, not ASD.

If it was ASD he would have been mortified to hurt someone he loved, the very first time, and although it might have been a struggle, he would have tried to change those behaviours. Or he would have said he couldnt.

This is the opposite. He is choosing to take it out on OP, with no care whatsoever.

The behaviours can often look similar, but understanding the behaviour underneath, and the response to hurtful behaviour, is often the crux of distinguishing between the two.

OP, did his affair happen during the good times, or was it when you were ill / losing your business? Who looked after your son when you were so sick?

Just trying to work out if his justification for the affair (which isnt a valid justification) is because you were not available to him, or if he felt 'owed' because he had helped you out.

However its obvious to see that his claim that your reasonable responses to the affair made him ill are BS. Yes, they probably made him very uncomfortable - having to take responsibility for how HIS actions made YOU sick/mentally unwell / go off the rails. It seems he tried to twist the narrative here, and its most likely why he refused any outside help - they would say that this is part and parcel of his infidelity.

Infidelity is not because the cheated on partner is lacking in any way. This appears to be what you are baseing all your self worth on - most infidelity is due to the cheaters entitlement. They feel they deserve it. Or they just want it. It is no refelction on the partner, although the cheater very very commonly will try to blame their victim.

Please get away. He has money and ability to handle his own wellbeing.

You have seen that he is all mouth and no action. He will say what he wants to get you back, but be aware that he is likely to pull all the stops to get you back. Remember that this is NOTHING to do with you, and everything to do with him regaining control and getting his needs met. It may be wise to absolutely cut contact as if you are vulnerable to him, you run the risk that he will find the chink in your armour and emotionally manipulate you to get you back in your place - be that offering positive things that you always wanted, using anger, being vile, attack, flattery, something to do with your son, threatening you or your business. It will be rinse and repeat. So may be worth a simple 'we are over, dont contact me, and block.

and please use some of the money you will be saving to get some good therapy. This will be the best investment in your future that you possibly could give yourself and your son.

Of course he's been in touch, he stands to lose :

£200 a month taxi fares
A specialised cook
Cleaner
Maid
Additional income
And general dogs body

Of course he'll want you back

When you leave please look at your finances and how you equate money and love.

There’s no reason you shouldn’t have tonnes of savings being a high earner and I know that’s taken a hit, bit you need to build up this for your own future.

And never rely on anyone else to house you!

Thus 💯

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but he sounds vile.

so glad you have a friend offering accommodation - take them up on it, get your stuff out of storage and rebuild.

you can do it - good luck xx

@IzItMe what did you decide to do? How are you?

Holy mother of god, I've just read this thread in its entirety and I REALLY hope you've kicked this worthless cunt to the kerb, OP (and I don't use that word lightly).

I am FURIOUS on your behalf: how dare he? How fucking DARE he treat you like that?

Good luck to you and please do not relent.

I'm confused by the living arrangements. Your son is at uni and you've now given up your presumably rented accommodation to move into your boyfriends 1 bed home. He's happy to stay there, you would likeca bigger place but HE says you can't afford it. When your sons around for extended periods you rent a B&B except this Xmas he's staying at your parents house who are away for a couple of days over NY so you've gone to your parents to stay with your son and taken a reluctant BF with you!I just can't make financial or any sense out of this arrangement if I have it right.

Why on earth did you give up your place if you feel its your duty to maintain a family base for your son?
Why are you paying for your sons uni fees when you can't afford to house yourself?
Why did you go to your parents house for NYE and insist you BF joined you?
Why are you annoyed that BF (with a health condition) is grumpy ?
What would be your ideal 'solution'

Yes I'm struggling to understand this financial arrangement. Paying for sons uni and paying for B&Bs every holiday has got to be expensive.

I have now read about him cheating. I get it. You were broken, he promised the world and you trusted him. This is the end of thevline for your relationship but in losing him you'll gain security and peace of mind.

Hi OP I hope you’re well and able to take your next steps soon. Be kind to yourself

@IzItMe how did you get on after this? Have things improved?