To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

I really hope so :(

I just feel sad

Why on earth he'd prefer being alone for New Year. He hates me being away

Hes expecting you not to go, for you to put his needs first. Its also what an abuser does. Hes effectively stopping you from seeing family and friends by emotional blackmailing you.

Please read up about abuse and control. It is insidious and can take years. I am so sorry but from your posts it seems hes done a great job on you. Leave and never ever go back, no matter how much he begs or cries. He will survive just fine without you...many of us with the same conditions do.

It sounds entirely toxic and codependent. He sounds awful. You might be too, who knows, but either way it doesn't seem like a good idea to be together.

Take up your friend's very generous offer and break this awful cycle of abuse.

Your DS needs to cut his cloth and manage in less than £700 per month seeing as though he's in catered accommodation. Very many will have far less than him.

The psychology of it evades me. We didn't live together. I don't get why he didn't leave after the affair rather than stick around enduring months of agony if he didn't love me

I cannot begin to tell you that this is not the question you should be asking.

Loving someone means wishing the best for them. Allowing them to hurt you, helping them to hurt you is not good for them. It is the opposite. It is damaging them. It is putting your need to be hurt, your need to feel good about yourself by rising above the hurt in order to prove to yourself how much you selflessly love him (saviour complex) over what is good for them.

I don't really want any of this to be my life at all.

If this is true, then you need to seek out a professional who can help you unravel all this. The danger is that you will seek out more hurt instead, because you need it to feel better about yourself. As I said, it is incredibly, insidiously addictive.

OP why are you paying for treatments and taxis?

What is the specific diet to treat? He seems to be getting a lot out of you but what are you getting back?

The psychology of it is simple, really. He is selfish.

He is the centre of his world, and what he wants is all that matters to him. You are useful to him. Hence, why he didn't leave you when he met his affair partner. But he wanted her, so he got her.

He gets angry with you because you're not playing your part correctly in his world. Your wants, needs and feelings conflict with what he wants, you're spoiling his happiness with your sadness. He resents you for trying to push for things that he doesn't want. He resents having to do things that don't benefit him - like going to your parents' house for NY so you can spend time with your son. He doesn't care that these things are for you, that these things will make you happy, because he doesn't care about you. He only cares about your use to him, in his life, in his world.

That is why, when you talk about leaving, he promises you things, because it doesn't suit him for you to leave. You leaving would affect his life because you're useful. So, he will tell you enough to get you back into line, and then when he sees you're playing your role again, he'll relax and go back to normal.

Until you start to express unhappiness again. He'll get annoyed, angry, because you're spoiling his happiness again with your wants, needs and feelings.

And repeat.

I’m a little confused as to why he is getting no treatment. I suffer from rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia. As soon as it flagged up on my bloods I had an appointment at a rheumatologist. Put on medication immediately. It did take a while to work but eventually it did. I have flare ups which occur from time to time. But I’m not completely bed bound.
I can’t believe his GP has not referred him immediately . Surely no doctor would just leave someone who has been diagnosed with these illnesses.

How did he get his diagnosis?

@Mari9999 I made huge sacrifices for him.

I supported his career when he had nothing. I'm not going to list how but he'd tell you if he was here that I enabled him to be where he is today.

I stuck with him through an affair, read books, read forums, paid 3 grand I didn't on counselling.

I nursed him through a nervous breakdown. Literally doing everything, whilst he said he was too broken to reciprocate. He was signed off work for 6 weeks with his breakdown .

I sorted doctors, massages, acupuncture, vitamins, health equipment, gym memberships, holidays, cooking. I did more for him than his own parents. Anything to help him that I could.

Whilst my life was falling to bits. Largely due to his choices.

I trusted him that we'd get a place together and when it would have been easier for me and my son to live elsewhere like we'd always agreed I accepted a living situation that suited my partner and no one else.

I wanted to move in together years ago. It would have been a lot easier if we had when I had no bloody money.

I feel like I've sacrificed my entire life to this man. And I feel a fool.

Ah OP, please take up the offer of a new home. You deserve a fresh start and a better year. Can you look into uni finance as I thought additional needs students were able to access additional finance and you as a single parent would help that claim. Great advice here - take it and make this your year

I just feel sad

That's understandable but he's not worth it.

Don't waste time/energy analysing his actions-put it into building a new life.

You are so lucky to be able to easily walk away, dust yourself off & it's all onwards & upwards from there on.

And this is why you need therapy.

You need to find an experienced, trauma-informed professional who can work with you to help you see the extraordinary level of dysfunction you have just described in this update.

OP your son lives in catered accommodation, he does not need £700 spending money when you can’t afford it.

Time to be honest with him, work together to create a reasonable budget, and give him less than £600 a month. He’ll be fine. He should also talk to the uni and student support about if he’s entitled to any bursaries, many students on maximum loan are, and he may be entitled to extra because of his autism.

It also sounds like maybe you can’t afford to be self employed right now. Could you move to your friends property and start job hunting? Living rent free, not giving your son an extreme amount of money, and not spending £200 a month on taxis would mean you’d be able to build quite a lot of savings. It’s possible you’d be able to rent somewhere if you offer 6 months upfront in which case they might not care so much about your financial history.

@RossPoldarksWife because he's literally only just got diagnosis and they're still checking. He refused to see a GP for over a year. He insisted he was just stressed.

Sorry to be obtuse...they are still checking what exactly?

@IzItMe
You say you feel like you "sacrificed your entire life to this man. And I feel a fool."

It's not to late to salvage what remains of your life - hopefully many years, and get away from him.
He's a user. You don't need him in your life.

just Sending 💕 love and hugs, OP your are a very good kind hearted person not everyone can accept so much. Please don’t go back to this man, he doesn’t deserve you.

I don't know why people think I've got a savior complex.

He was healthy and didn't cheat for the first three years. I didn't seek this out. He was an athlete, now he can hardly walk.

Do you think I had advance knowledge of all this? I didn't. I don't enjoy it. I fucking hate it. But if love someone amd they're sick you take care of them. I'd do the same for friends and family and they do the same for me :(

It doesn't make me feel good?! It makes me feel pretty awful.

@RossPoldarksWife I’ve only read your posts but it’s very clear to me that this man has very little regard for you as an individual, he has cheated, is unsupportive and everything is about him. Please do whatever it takes to walk away from this awful relationship. Your mental health will improve no end.

Would he do it for you, though? I mean, look how he treats you.

This sounds exactly it.

But why? Would be being happy make him happy?

I’m wondering if you feel so “used/sad” because you “played by the rules”. You were a kind and supportive partner, you did nice and good things and it’s been thrown back in your face.

That’s hard for us to accept when we’ve done the “right thing”. Any chance you could be autistic too? I got diagnosed in my mid-40s because of my son who is diagnosed. Both of us are extremely intolerant to feelings of unfairness and not playing by the rules. 😔

Can we forget about this horrible man, & focus on OP, & encouraging her to do the same please?

In my opinion, he won't ever be happy. Especially not now he had chronic health issues. He will just get more angry and resentful about his life. And he'll take it out on you because he's learned he can get away with that.

Trying to police other peoples comments or just mine?