To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

You beat me to it.

It's honestly disgraceful how much you've tied yourself in knots and bent over backwards for someone who could t give less of a shit about you.

Thank god you don't have a daughter if this is the example you'd have set her. When are women going to stop being such doormats?

I just saw that he is autistic. I want to say this before people start coming in to say he's like this because he's autistic. No. He's like this because he is abusive. Autistic people can get set in their ways and can be quite self-focused, but autism does not make someone lie, cheat, yell, manipulate, insult, or abuse people they love. Abusive people abuse people.

And you say your DS and him get on incredibly well despite years of this? Of dedicating your life to this man? Whilst presumably also having a child back at your own home?

Reading this has made me so sad. OP you deserve loads better than this.

There's so much I could say but I just wanted to weigh in on the illness angle because I have Crohn's disease with arthritis (like RA but not quite) and I imagine a lot of my symptoms and your partner's overlap.

It took 5 years for me to get diagnosed, and I had untreated disease with horrible flare ups that whole time. So I know what it feels like to be the kind of ill he is. You are taking such lovely care of him and instead of being appreciative he's being horrible. Being ill can make you quite selfish and frustrated, but he's on a whole other level - I never in all the years I was untreated did anything close to how he's being to you. If he's able to shout at you while ill, he's bloody well able to NOT shout!

It sounds to me like his illness is his latest excuse for being awful to you. I wonder what his reason was before, with his affair etc... (rhetorical question).

If he was lovely before and then this was a rough patch maybe it would be different (I still think the way he's being with you now can't be excused), but it's not just a rough patch. It's the latest thing after his affair and probably other stuff. Whatever he used to be, now he's nasty and selfish and treating you as an emotional punching bag.

You've got all the ingredients for a fresh start and I so, so hope you go for it. I can imagine you in your new flat, making it all nice, being able to welcome your son, spending your energy on building your career back up (you can do it!), and paying down your debt as you go. Life can be so much better than how you're living now, and it's right there for you to grab.

OP I’m so sorry this has happened to you. What a terrible set of circumstances and what a truly rotten time you have been through.

I’m so pleased you have your friend’s flat to go to that is not too far from your son and you can work from home and build up your income again.

As PP have said, you didn’t do anything wrong because you were acting in good faith the whole time. Even though now you’re totally confused this is what will see you through. You didn’t have an affair, you weren’t stringing your partner along pretending you were going to move. Once you disentangle yourself from this man’s needs and wants and can follow your own path again you’ll feel much better more quickly because the mud will settle and you’ll realise NONE of this was your fault.

Be proud of yourself for realising today was the day that enough is enough, count your blessings that you have a free place to go to and a job you can do anywhere, get yourself the hell out of there, and then be very very kind to yourself as you start to put the pieces back together.

You can do this and you’ll come back better than ever. 💐

All the money that you have spent on this man that could have made your son’s life at university an awful lot easier and helped him post university.

OP I feel for you but this has gone on for years and years and you say how much it has blighted your life, well it will have had a very negative impact on your DS’s life and future too and he, rather than your boyfriend, should have been where all your energy went.

I've just read all your updates OP.

He had an affair and you took him back?

What did you expect?

He's a cunt who would probably do it again if it wasn't for hix"illness"

You are his best and only option at this point.

PLEASE stop it now.

You're not a partner, you're his carer.. and he treats you with total contempt
Please go and stay with your friend, and plan your life without him in it
I get that RA can be very painful and disabling, but it doesn't give him the right to treat you like shit

Move out?!?!? Why can’t you get your own place?

He doesn’t love or want you OP, he needs you but only to look after him. It’s odd how he comes up with yet another illness when you threaten to leave. I’m not saying he’s not ill, but he clearly has MH problems too. Get out now as things won’t change. Don’t waste your time by replying to the negative comments on here, just stick around if you need to for the support from the people who are helping you.

Unfortunately it sounds like his needs and yours are not compatible.

As someone with a long term health condition I can say it is not as simple as saying he can do x so why can’t he do y.

I can understand why you would do some of the things for him you do but it is heavy on you both emotionally and financially.

He doesn’t want to move. It is wrong to give the impression he would. I think you are aware he isn’t going to move so you need to do what is right for you.

I think NYE has just brought everything to a head.

As difficult as it is I think you need to be objective about it. What would you advise a friend or better still a stranger on a forum to do?

@BadShepherd - it’s interesting that you say this because I was thinking exactly the same thing and wondering whether to mention it!

I’m also an autistic woman, diagnosed in her 40s. DS is autistic, he was diagnosed at age 4. I didn’t really give my potential neurodiversity any headspace. But then his twin sister, my DD, was diagnosed at age 10. And I realised that we have the same traits - completely different to DS in many ways (other than the rage at injustice!! 😂)

There is a hell of a lot in your posts, your behaviour and your descriptions OP that suggests autism. It looks very, very different in women. When you get through this nightmare, it might be something you want to research.

And btw, you’re amazing. You haven’t failed your DS. You will rise again, free of this man who has abused your kind nature. Looking at all you’ve been through, you are stronger and more resilient than you realise.

Having a home is the bedrock of mental stability, everything else comes from this stability. Your partner has effectively ripped this out from under you, thus rendering you unstable. As many others have said, this suits him as it puts him in a position of ultimate power. He’s metaphorically swinging the keys above your head and jeering.
Grieve for what you thought was your future with this man and please, when you have unpacked and settled into your friend’s place, seek some counselling for yourself.
Wishing you a ton of strength in the new year.

Op
About your friend offering you a place. Get it in writing if you can unless you have alternatives as things can go wrong. I had a friend that had to move out to a friends place but after two weeks they fell out. I'm not saying you will but please consider everyhting

I don't think there's any indication that the OP has left her son alone to care for this manbaby. She's moved in with him and has been doing all the caring for him since her son went to university. And yes, she could have left her son alone on NYE because he's an adult. She didn't. She chose her son. I think the OP has been emotionally beaten up enough by this man and really doesn't need others making her feel worse than she already does. She has tried to do everything she can for the two people she loves (loved in the case of the manbaby) to the extent that she is falling apart, but yeah, let's beat her up for allegedly not doing enough for her son who she clearly loves and has not neglected, left alone, not thought about. Seriously, where is the bloody compassion!

When are you going to stop attacking & victim blaming the OP?

Get off your high horse & just ... go anywhere else but here.
Reporting you for bullying now.

I've read all your posts op, I'm so sorry it's a horrible situation you are in. 💐
You just have to leave this man or in a year you will still be his live in carer in his house, it's not your home.
The best thing is take up your friends offer, you can build yourself and your business back up there, and then in a year move nearer to your DS and his college.
Wishing you strength.

Move out then look to getting a job and get yourself sorted. It’s going to be hard but he is using you .
good luck

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4681774-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasc-support-thread-7

hes a horrible bully op-using his affair against you is out of order-youve given up alot and he hasnt done the same for you

go and taer the offer from your friend and be happy