To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

@IzItMe It is not you.

I had this with ex-H. He had an affair and then blamed my subsequent (understandable) anger as me making the situation worse, not wanting to rebuild the relationship etc.

even if you take away the affair, bad behaviour etc, this is someone who casually lies about his intentions, while you make decisions crucial to your future. I couldn’t do that to someone I loved, could you?

I get that you love him, but he doesn’t love you back.

They're still checking him for lupus and coeliac disease. It's a process. His first appointment was only three weeks ago - brought on by me leaving.

I told him i wasnt coming back to a grown arsed adult who was clearly ill and wouldn't help himself.

Wondering why PP are banging on about this man's treatment, instead of encouraging her to remove her obsessive focus on him is common sense, not policing - nobody has to go to Hendon to learn that.

Ah I see. I agree, he's had you doing the help. To be honest OP, I'd move into your friends house and move forward. Good luck.

I think what PP might be hinting at (and if I’m right I can see where they’re coming from) is that OPs partner is perhaps not being entirely honest with her about his illness

You sound like a very nice person .
Your partner sounds awful.

And that he keeps you around to look after him . If he didn't get sick he would off left or atleast had more affairs.
You should of left him along time ago.
Your mental health will probably improve a great deal , Once you are settled in your own place . Where your son has a room .
You don't need someone like that in your life .
All the best for the future

No, you are wondering why I am asking about this man's treatment of OP. You are policing my comment.

Feel free to quote other posters who are not posting to your liking.

I think people are trying to work out if he is possibly lying or over-exaggerating his illness as a way to control the OP via her compassionate nature and guilt.

That is why I asked. Getting my diagnosis took 11 months. GP, physio, etc and repeated blood tests over months. He is taking advantage of her.

He SAYS it was brought on by you leaving.
He has weaponised his ill health for so long that you have become accustomed to prioritising it & blaming yourself for all his problems.

Start putting that energy into yourself & your son.

Living rent-free, saving £400 on storage, £200 on taxis, & a proportion of the £600 you currently sub to your son is going to make a massive improvement to your finances. You can pay down debt, rebuild your business, & start to feel more like yourself. You will also regain a sense of control, of having your own personal agency again.

You obviously have immense reserves of strength, resileince & determination. You've just run out of gas, & that's not surprising - it's a normal response to 3 years of horrible circumstances. Please start using your strength for yourself, instead of this man. Or ANY man, for at least a year, while you rebuild yourself financially, practically & emotionally.

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/trauma/treatment-and-support/

traumapractice.co.uk/trauma-therapy/

@BadNomad I think that's why I get confused. In some ways he'd do anything for me. If im sad or stressed he generally sits down and asks what he can do. He's gentle and loving. He makes sure I eat too. Offers money. Emotional support. He's been very supportive with my depression. Last week I was crying and he sat with his head in my lap for a couple of hours telling me he'd made everything okay and that I was a wonderful person. So I feel loved and expect to be loved.

But he's like Jeckyl and Hyde. Flare ups of illness trigger anger and he is quite horrible if he wakes up swollen. Then he just lashes out, which is 99% of the trigger of rows, because he can talk to me like dirt.

Then he apologises and says he's sorry, he's just sick.

Fundamentally though, I realise he won't do things for me unless it suits him, so I have a lot of years of that always being the case. He would never meet my needs easily for practical things (like attending family things).

Still checking for what? Blood tests usually confirm rheumatoid arthritis.
Did you go to any appointments with him?

I was thinking that but thought I'd misread the OP
OP, do what is best for you.

Read all Op's post not all PPs but it seems to me OP is not looking out for her own future but just concentrating on just how badly she is being/has been treated by this man - his cruel behaviour, affair, demands and the not moving to Dulwich. She is aware that his health problems may mean he will not be able to work soon and he may become a permanent invalid actually needing a nurse. Will that be OP? She needs to consider if that is what she can afford and wants.

He doesn't do the Jeckyl & Hyde act because of his illness.
He does it because he is an abuser, & this is the classic pattern of how the cycle of abuse plays out.

It keeps the abuse victim trapped, because coercive control works on exactly the same principles as Stockholm Syndrome & brainwashing. You turn yourself inside out to get the 'loving' partner back, & the highs then make you feel so high that when the next low hits, the cycle starts again. Each time, the victim demeans themselves further, becomes more entrenched in the cycle, & the abuser ramps up both the ferocity & frequency of the low periods.

Look at how many PP have said they manage similar conditions to your ex.
None of them are abusing their loved ones.
Your ex CHOSE to use the abuse cycle to control you.

wigwa.org.uk/cycle-of-abuse/

www.pandoraproject.org.uk/cycle-of-abuse/

That's exactly how I feel. I feel not only have I done nothing wrong, but that I'm blamed for bleeding after being hit metaphorically.

I'm not autistic. DP is though. Both DS and he are.

@IzItMe op, I’ve spent an hour here with my coffee reading your posts. I’ve never wanted to reach through a screen and give someone a hug as much in my life.

Firstly, I’m sorry so many people here are misreading / twisting what you are saying. It’s easy for others to forget that your entire relationship isn’t just what you’ve written here, that there is history, nuance, intricacies that can’t be conveyed.

That being said, I can’t say that I don’t want you to find a way to get away from this guy, that’s my gut reaction. But I know that’s not exactly practical for you, there are so many variables to your situation and years and years of what I can only guess is trauma bonding.

Dont really know why I’m posting but I suppose I just want you to know there’s someone reading who is sending you a big hug and hoping you find a way to make this work for you, and that not everyone is just being judgey and saying LTB.

And I think the fact you ran such a successful business, as a single mum to a boy with extra needs, with no help to be outstanding. If nothing else it shows you absolutely have what it takes to have the life you want, I just feel you’ve lost (or hand taken from you) your drive and spark.

x

@IzItMe

What Kettricken says is spot on! Forget this man.

All this soul searching you are doing, questioning the whys of everything, is the path to madness.

None of us can answer your questions about the whys, we can only surmise.

Right now, you need to focus on you. Everything you say about this man just tells us that he is selfish and self serving!

A question about DS: why can’t he access counselling through the university? If surely must have counsellors available for the student body.

Put yourself and your son first. Get rid of this guy. He sounds awful.

new year and a fresh start. Seems fitting.

@selfindulgentmoaner

I had this with ex-H. He had an affair and then blamed my subsequent (understandable) anger as me making the situation worse, not wanting to rebuild the relationship etc

That's exactly it. By why am I to blame for not "getting over it" if he did fuck all to help me? As an example I begged for counselling when we started rowing. He said he was too busy / too sick and didn't believe in it. Had he taken tangible steps to repair us, I understand its on me to feel better - but he didn't!

even if you take away the affair, bad behaviour etc, this is someone who casually lies about his intentions, while you make decisions crucial to your future

Exactly this. I had 18 momths to prepare for leaving my flat. If he'd not promised me then I'd have had time to make an educated decision for my wellbeing and my sons.

I couldn’t do that to someone I loved, could you?

Not for ten minutes much less 6 months. He's watched me literally fall to bits. I understand money is tight, but all I was asking was 48 hours at my parents

Thank you Joan, but I totally misread @Dwrcegin's intent - which was to explode the process & credibility of this man's conveniently timed flare-ups & how they have been weaponised against OP.

Dwrcegin - my apologies. I misinterpreted you, & imagined you might be agitating for more understanding of this man, instead of more understanding of how he has been abusing OP.

Please ditch this vile man , move into your friends place and get back on your feet , you are clearly capable to do so.
He had an affair , you were severely harassed and you stayed with him !!! he doesn't deserve you , read back how you describe him and what he did , what he says , leave him to bloody well stew in his own juice, his illness and ailments are not your problem .
Move into 2023 with a clean start full of hope for a new future for yourself and your son and don't give this loser a backward glance.

No problem

Last week I was crying and he sat with his head in my lap for a couple of hours telling me he'd made everything okay and that I was a wonderful person.

And did he make "everything okay"? Or did he just say what you needed to hear to stop crying.

In some ways he'd do anything for me.

Except follow through with his promises, or be honest, or be faithful, or treat you with respect, or not talk to you life shit etc. He only does low-effort things. He's fine with letting you lose your mind over the house issue. He's fine with dropping out of plans to travel to see your son.

It's all control. None of that is love. He has to be nice sometimes, because if he's always bad, you'll wise up to him. So, he gives enough to keep you thinking he does care, but nothing that takes much effort from him. He literally does the bare minimum to stop you from leaving or killing yourself.

You're not a team.

You are resentful of his condition ( people with an autoimmune disease can do stuff one day and not the next, you're ignorant of this. We also like to be in our surroundings when in a flare).

However, he never took your personal needs into account when moving in together. I think you should go your separate ways.

You can buy a futon/ sofa couch for your son to sleep on when he comes home from uni.