To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

How long have you been together @IzItMe . Apologies if I've missed it.

What would you have done if you weren't with him and DS went to university? Become homeless?

You haven't failed your son at all. Sounds like you've done everything you can to try and give him the best life. Now you deserve to concentrate on yourself. Get far away from this selfish pig. I wish you all the best.

Well we’ve established that you now live with a gaslighting selfish tosser! Now you need to run, quickly, in the opposite direction. Even if all you can afford is a one bed and you son stays on a sofabed in the lounge when he comes home I am 1000% sure that’s preferential to living with this nasty piece of work who uses his illness to manipulate you in this way. He told you everything. You need to know about what he thought of you when he had an affair (that he was well enough to conduct!). Run, now!

Don't know if it's been said but the dsa disabled students allowance is not means tested or in any way based on parental income.

Same as PIP.

If your income has dropped D's may be able to make a new claim for general student finance and ask the uni for their own in house hardship funds.

Why did you pay for your dps treatments and therapies? You sound like a little woman who runs round the men in her life and organises her life round him & a relationship.

Your son should get a job and or loans/ a contribution from his dad (if around) to fund university.

I've read all your posts, OP, but not all the replies. Still, I can gather that you've had lots of criticism as well as support and advice... I guess that's AIBU for you. In future maybe post in Relationships as it tends to be more supportive and less critical.

Anyway. I'm sure plenty of people have pointed this out. But it's very obvious (to an outsider reading) that he is abusive. The reasons are irrelevant really - but one thing is important: it's not your fault. His illness is not an excuse either. It's probably clouded your thinking, but even without his illness, abusive men have a habit of confusing their partners; it's what they go. I can hear the confusion, desperation and sadness in your posts. I think you need to prioritise getting mental health support for yourself; ask your GP about free or low cost counselling, or just pay for some for yourself. I think this is going to be the single most important thing you do, because you need professional support to break free of him mentally and emotionally. You should probably also do the Freedom Programme. But I think individual counselling will be most helpful for you.

Everything else will sort itself out; you're lucky that your friend has offered a place to live, you've had some advice on this thread about finances and you can get more (I suggest contacting Citizens Advice)... you will sort your life out again once you get your head free of him; you will think more clearly and when you start prioritising yourself, it will fall into place. Not immediately but it will.

PS I'm sure PPs have already mentioned some or all of these, but in case not, some helpful reading:
"Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft (you can read extracts from it on this thread)
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

I really appreciate everyone. All day I've been able to see 92% of people agree with me and that's a real healer because I don't need to feel crazy.

People ask what would I have done without him? Honestly I don't think this would have happened. For one thing, I'd have had time to prepare, for another the affair rendered me 90% useless.

I know I went through awful stress like illness or losing all my money but the infidelity was gobsmacking trauma for me. It just knocked me sideways so I was far less capable of solving problems.

Predictably, he's been in touch. He is sorry. It's all his fault and not mine. I deserve better. He really is ill and he knows he's a shit. He says he wants a bigger house and he'll sort one if I come back (miraculously there are 50 houses on rightmove in our budget). He's offering to go to counselling.

The responses here made me realise I can't trust these things:( So I've told him I'm moving to my friends. Partly because i dont really believe his promises, partly because I don't really want to live with someone who is mean to me and partly because you all seem sure I'm being abused so I want time away to try and evaluate that.

Thanks everyone. I really struggle to see these things nyself clearly so it's been really helpful.

Well done OP, accepting it is the hardest part. You’re being very strong

IzitMe,
When you love someone who dies not love you in the same way, you may do very much for them but it is beyond folly to expect them to respond to you in the same way.

You continue to blame him for the choices that you made and to be unhappy with the realization that he would not have made the same choices.

The level of feelings that you 2 shared are not equal feelings. You acted out of your level of feelings and he responded based upon his level of feeling for you.

By now it should be obvious that neither of you bring out the best in the other. In this situation, anger is a wasted and pointless emotion. You are both better off establishing some level of independence through separation. You cannot change the past, but you can take control of your own future.

Healthy relationships do not require martyrdom. You won't be canonized for your support, but you will be resented for constantly mentioning what you willingly "sacficed.". You have not mentioned one good or beneficial thing that you think that this man has provided in your life over these past few years. Wht are you still with him?

Use your rage and anger to set yourself free.. He lived before you came into his life; he will learn to manage when you leave . If not he will suffer the consequences.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Do the online freedom programme because it will help you to recognise red flags in future relationships.

Funny how he can see how much of a twat he is when you're not there. This is classic abuse, come back and I'll change, only that never happens, unfortunately.
He's just trying to manipulate you when you're at your lowest.
I have multiple health issues including bowel disease but I ould never treat someone I loved like this, even when I'm at my lowest.
Please don't go back to this damaging relationship.

Well done for the decision to move out and be apart while you evaluate what went on and where you’re going next. As an outsider, this looks to be best for you and your son without him. I’m sorry to read about the ill health and surgeries your son went through, and also of yours. Your whole unit went through so much and something got damaged in the process. I hope you recover and feel stronger again.

"I've told him I'm moving to my friends. Partly because i dont really believe his promises, partly because I don't really want to live with someone who is mean to me and partly because you all seem sure I'm being abused so I want time away to try and evaluate that."

I'm glad to read this. Good for you, OP. And good luck. You might not feel strong but you are.

Hi OP, you're in a difficult situation due to significant negative events over the last few years. How the self employed were treated during covid was disgusting and I empathise as I'm a self employed too.

You will get out of this.

Leave DPs flat. Be nearer your DS in your DFs place.

Rebuild your business and increase your sales.
Arrange counselling for yourself.
If you need to, sign on for support until you're income meets your needs esp if you're contributing to your sons allowance. No way is £100pcm enough to live on, but equally £700 when you have no bills is a nice sum of disposable income. Have to admit though, money does not go far these days, a meal can cost £50!
I agree your should revisit PIP. My son had to appeal and won his case.

Best of luck. Sending a big hug to you, you're an amazing woman x

You are a very kind person who has devoted much of your mental energy and finances towards the two men in your life you love most .

please please focus mostly on yourself for a few months.

I'm so glad you have seen your situation for what it is
Living in your friends house will give you time to recharge your batteries and plan for a brighter future
Believe and trust in yourself

Hear Hear! Well done OP. 💐

Parents have to fill the gap in student finance. Student loans do not cover the cost of rent, living and student essentials plus fees. It’s the unwritten and unspoken truth that hits all parents with children going to university.
I agree with others that it’s time to leave your DP and salvage your own life. Hard though that is.

His illnesses could be partly psychosomatic @IzItMe - I've a feeling that if he had to do things for himself, after an initial difficult period he would step up and do it.

And most people with severe disabilities like myself aren't able to work, let alone in a job where they can earn 68k.

I've a feeling he partly uses being ever-so-ill to manipulate you and get you to do what he wants.

Parents have to fill the gap in student finance. Student loans do not cover the cost of rent, living and student essentials plus fees. It’s the unwritten and unspoken truth that hits all parents with children going to university.

@MMCQ Yes I mean of course if someone's parents aren't earning or earn very little, the person gets the full extent of financial help available. But it's still not much.

If a student receives the maximum loan parents are not expected to top up. OP tops her son up by £600 a month, which is actually more than she’d be expected to give if he was on the minimum loan. He may also be entitled to bursaries and grants. It’s very unlikely that living in catered accommodation he needs £700 a month spending money

But when my eldest left for uni…. My food bill went down, so that money I channeled to him, I wasn’t paying for his petrol on the car anymore, so that went to him for public transport around his uni city.

And I used to pay for all his study materials at school. So that just went to him to get for uni.

And I used to contribute towards his clothes and socialising (he worked 5 hours every Saturday. Which barely covered anything!), which again all went to him at uni.

So when I factored in the “savings” by him moving out, and just channelled “savings” to him at uni… it really wasn’t a huge amount extra on top of his loan

The sad fact that in this case is that the OP spent years spending vast amounts of money on her boyfriend rather than squirrelling away for her DS going to uni….