To be raging angry?

[IzItMe]

Can you please tell me if I am being unreasonable?

My partner has auto immune disease and has been very unwell for some time. I've been extremely supportive of him.

I moved in with him in August, into his 1 bedroom flat after DS went to university. We'd agreed for years the plan was to get a place together, and I couldn't afford to keep my flat and cover DS's university costs which was made much worse by me losing 80% of my income in the pandemic (I was one of the excluded).

When the time came to move in together DP told me he / we couldn't afford a larger flat and he wasn't able to move further out from work to a place we could afford due to being so ill and not able to cope with any kind of commute. This made me really upset, but I accepted it as I had little choice by this point.

This was hugely less than ideal because it meant DS had no bedroom to come home to for holidays and all our stuff has been in storage for six months so I feel homeless really.

I was very unhappy and stressed by the arrangement , but felt my DP was genuinely ill and I'd need to make a sacrifice for a while until he felt better. I am sure it's genuine that he's barely able to get to work (he has rheumatoid arthritis and fibro), so it was hard to be angry with him.

As I said, I've been incredibly supportive through his illness. Sorted all the doctors, done all the chores so he rests, researching treatments and paying for it, cooking special diets and running our life around his illness. I think it would be fair to say my life revolves around his needs and his illness, which I believed was okay because if you love people you're a team- right?

That said, it's been incredibly hard for me to feel I don't have a proper home and over the holidays I've had to basically stay in Air bnbs hundreds of miles away so my DS had somewhere to stay. We couldn't afford to be in our home town and haven't got family with space, so it's been really, really tough.

DP flew up for Christmas but I felt incredibly sad about this. No Christmas tree. No family around. Just basically me trying to find a place I could afford and it's broken ny heart. I didn't complain though, I just got on with it.

For this week, my DS wanted to see his family so we came to my home town. There's no space to stay "together" so he's at my parents and I've been at DPs, 8 miles away.

My parents had long term plans to be away for 48 hours at NYE and obviously I can leave my DS alone at their house for NYE so me and DP arranged to stay at my parents for 48 hours. We planned nothing for NYE because DP was always too ill to go out.

I woke up yesterday and spent several hours sorting food for DPs special diet and getting ready to go. He woke up in pain and started angrily shouting, and was extremely rude to me. He spoke to me with naked contempt, for no reason.

Then he said he didn't want to traipse across town to stay in someone else's house, that he felt ill and wanted his own surroundings. I told him it was funny that he was well enough to work full time and go on a week long holiday, and was just thinking of himself.

I got extremely angry at basically being abandoned on NYE and told him me and DS were in that situation as a sacrifice to meet his needs and that it was his turn to sacrifice. His attitude was "why should i".

As I got angrier, he blocked me at 8pm last night and never unblocked so I spent NYE alone and crying ny eyes out.

AIBU? To feel he's behaved appallingly?

For context, he's behaved appallingly a lot in the past to me, so this felt like the final straw.

You don't need to justify yourself to others, OP.
I have the same illnesses that man has. It's bloody awful. But it doesn't give him the right to treat anyone the way he does. And his illnesses won't get any better.
Please don't let this nasty person make you feel worthless or doubt yourself.
Take your friend up on the offer of sonewhere to live. Start believing in yourself and your work. Put this one-sided relationship behind you and rebuild your life. You are worth so much more than what you've been receiving from this poor excuse for a man.
They do say that Fibro can sometimes be the result of a traumatic period; he chose to have an affair and brought it on himself.
Sending you best wishes for a calmer happier 2023.

The uni will have dedicated disability officer(s) who will know exactly how to fill in a PIP form for an award - and know how to access additional disability premium awards for students.

Bite your friends arm off

You are not a failure to your son or anyone! You have the perfect opportunity to stay in your friend's house and to make sure you get yourself sorted in 2023. Plus you'll be closer to your son.
You'd be a fool not to grab this opportunity to find yourself again.

You say you don’t have a choice about your circumstances, but you do. This relationship is making huge actively unhappy. Reconsider it.

What a lovely friend to offer you accommodation for 6-12 months. Grab that opportunity ASAP with both hands. Its your way out of this terrible situation

Please, please let this be the last straw. You deserve so much more. You sound like a wonderfully caring person that any decent person would be privileged to be with.

I think it’s a series of unfortunate events which has led you here, except you perhaps should have ended things after his affair and response to it.But it is what it is, you haven’t failed. Life has thrown you a few tough curve balls with covid etc.

Ds being at uni makes it hard for him to survive on a grant, but if his course hours are low enough for him to get a part time job - which many, many students have to do to survive, then he needs to do that. You can’t afford to sub him, so don’t.

Move into this friends house, in a cheaper part of the country. Restart your business if that’s possible, work in your current job and aim to pay off your debts ASAP. Look at why you allowed your partner to treat you as he did for so long (not your fault that you thought he’d come through with moving, but things didn’t sound great regardless of that) and start again. You’ve been lucky with the offer of housing, you have a great ds so pick yourself up, wallow in the sadness of a relationship ending for a while, then move on. Don’t blame yourself. Blame circumstances!

Saviour complex.

I am not unsympathetic - it is very insidious and incredibly addictive. It makes you feel good as well as making you feel utterly wretched. The catch is that you need to feel wretched in order to fully feel worthy.

However you will need to want help before anything can change.

@lavenderlewis

I do earn now, the pandemic is over and I'm getting back on my feet. It's about half what I earned
pre-pandemic though and I built up debts. It's also completely unreliable. And I'm really a struggling with mental health. Plus
I never know each month what's coming in, as it depends on sales so I feel unstable.

@ursula as I said he's not always been ill. It arrived post affair. Before we moved in together I still cared for him, just dashing between places. If you live with someone with RA and fibro untreated (he's awaiting treatment) it's a considerable role and is life changing.

@slashlover Good question.
The answer is:

1. Sadly not being paid didn't mean not working. It was actually harder work to administrate 50 events being cancelled or date changed several times. Unfortunately I wasn't paid for that, as was my client contract. I never foresaw a pandemic.

1. Even if I'd had no work I was out of commission for most of the first year with covid and serious life stress (sick son, infidelity, partner having a breakdown).

1. I had no clue it would go on so long, so it was hard to make plans.

1. As a business owner i don't really have a fixed income. It depends on sales and costs, both of which were completely impossible to control in the pandemic.

By the time events were allowed again in 2021, I had to do 3 years worth in the space of 6 months. I wasn't paid again, so no new income. Just costs. Its the hardest I've ever worked, just sadly due to the circumstances I wasn't paid for doing each job 3 or 4 times. I still had to do it though, because my business reputation would have been ruined if I'd let anyone down.

@wherearebeefandonioncrisps he pays the rent and bills, so I didn't feel like it was wrong for me to pay everything else. He also loaned me money which he said not to worry about. Admittedly when I had more money than he did, I paid for everything. Literally everything. But I had more. So I thought it was fair. No, not posted before on this. Just felt desperate today.

@oldfan yes, if I leave now I make enough to survive. And things will get better. If I feel better I can achieve more. The flat I've been offered is furnished so I can move next week really.

@KettrickenSmiled it's already in boxes, so maybe go in with a man with a van when he's at work?

@springerspanielpuppy he has minor accommodations but not much. He mostly struggles with stress of self care and social stuff. I'll look into it more.

@Newestname002 I realise how lucky I am someone's been kind enough to help.

You’re not unreasonable. He is very selfish.

also I have RA and have done for years and on meds for it - I don’t need a “special diet”- what is that about?

Pick up your boxes, move to your friend's place, and start afresh without this awful person in your life.

He's treated you appallingly and you deserve so much more.

@IzItMe

Just the fact that you have posted here, shows how the relationship has deteriorated beyond repair.

My son has student finance but still needs money each month, his loan only gives him £100 per month spending money and he also has expenses health related as he's autistic.

Has DS checked to see if he’s entitled to any benefits? Even a tiny amount for rent would help or perhaps cheaper prescriptions? I don’t live in the UK so I don’t know if there might be some sort of student benefit he could get.

I have given context above that DP had an affair and that combined with his affair partner deeply harassing me, getting long covid, losing all my income and DP developing chronic illness has been a lot. I've been deeply depressed by feeling homeless.

This is a lot to cope with in a short amount of time (as in 5 years or less) and I’m not surprised you are depressed. You must go and see your GP and get some help to manage that. Just leaving your home would have been a huge stressor on its own, but added to that you became ill with a nasty virus, lost your income, your partner (I honestly can not call him dear, Albatross would be a more suitable idiom) has decided that you are his personal housekeeper, chef, personal shopper, cleaner, laundress and I’m surprised that he doesn’t ask you to wipe his bum for him!

I'd relied on DP that we'd get a proper place together. He just gets angry and says it's not possible

Why isn’t it possible? What is stopping you both from moving to a bigger flat?

but that's definitely not what I was promised.

When did you last discuss this with him and what did he say at that time? These are the things that you need to state calmly and coherently to him when he starts ranting at you and gaslighting you!

His illness is real and often agonising but it's very hard feeling I don’t have a home.

I don’t doubt he has real pain (I’m a nurse) but the fact that you don’t feel at home in his flat shows that there is a real disconnect between you. That is the real problem here.

DP is often lovely to me, but at times is horrific. Generally out of nowhere he has angry rants and when i respond angrily he tells me my anger is ruining our lives. But i only got angry after he did terrible things to me, so I feel confused why he blames me.

Arguing is part of life because living with anything more than a pet, is hard. Especially when you’ve lived alone (as in not with another adult, but just children) and been responsible for yourself and independent. However, it’s the aftermath of these angry back and forths that isn’t normal.

Most partners/spouses don’t use their anger to punish the other party and it seems as if he’s goading you to get angry, in order to gaslight you afterwards.

And that is why you feel so confused.

You feel that your anger is righteous because it’s in response to his anger.

This is what he wants, you to feel confused.

The next step will be to slowly eat away at the last shreds of your self esteem, self confidence and self worth, so you can’t make that break away from him.

I was horrific to him in the aftermath of his affair, but he was horrific to me - the things he did were truly awful. So he says it's all my fault and I damaged us and should take responsibility.

Riiiiight, so his affair was your fault in some unknown way.

It was you who went and recruited some female for him to have sex with and then you held a gun to his head and forced him to have relations with this female.

I’m so glad he cleared that up for us!

What a complete twat.

He is a horrible little man who is trying to trap you by ensuring that you don’t have the confidence to leave him.

This is called emotional, psychological and mental abuse.

Insecure people use this type of abuse to manipulate their partners in to staying with them, by heaping so much guilt onto them, that they feel they can’t leave.

I don't have any money or a place to live. Between his affair and all that's happened, I feel I've lost everything. I mostly just don't want to be here. But I'm a Mum so have to keep going.

Being a mum has nothing to do with your relationship with him. He’s not the father of your child, there is nothing tying you to him.

Now, I’m going to be a bit harsh here.

If you were my daughter, I’d tell you that it’s exactly because you’re a mum that you need to buck up and get out.

Nothing is impossible, unless you think it’s impossible.

You surely have relatives and friends; could you ask any of them to help you out with a small loan till you get back on your feet?

Now is not the time to be prideful! You made a mistake, own it, ask for help to get you out of this toxic situation and move on.

A friend has offered me a free place to live for 6 to 12 months. So I think I'll go there.

This ^ is your escape plan. Find a job, or another job if the first one isn’t paying enough, save some money, get back on your feet and leave him in your (metaphorical) exhaust fumes.

I don't think I could ever give love and care to DP again after he made it completely clear I'm on my own.

Print this sentence ^ out, put it in your purse/handbag/on your mirror, anything that you see on a daily basis, or even print this out 4 or 5 times and stick it to everything so that you can remember this moment and how he made you feel, so that you aren’t tempted to take him back when he starts love-bombing you! And he will, because he needs wants a lackey who is at his beck and call. But you aren’t ^this person.

in regards the PIP, the self care stuff is actually the sort of things that will get him an award, and he has the benefit of an outside authority (the counsellor and the university) who can back this up. Even if the entirity of the PIP is used for his therapy, it will be money well spent.

Im not surprised you are mentally wiped. Losing work, being seriously ill, financial problems, an ill son are all bad enough, but with infidelity and now running round after a man who has shifted the goalposts into abuse, is going to take its toll heavily.

Take him and his problems, and his horrible soule destroying attitude out of the mix, you have already removed a huge amount of stress from your life.

He wont change, and this is destroying you.

Take the offer of the house. You WFH, so can work from there, and rebuild your life. it has 2 bedrooms, so your son can have his own space. You will find new friends.

Concentrate your efforts into your son and yourself. Make this your new years resolution.

Move into your friend's place & stop subbing the abusive cheat & you'll soon be on your feet again.

@IzItMe on a practical note, is your son getting as much student loan as possible? SFE are a pain and take your income from a couple of years ago but you can apply for current year income instead as long as it is at least 15% below the income you declared. You may have already been aware of this and done this, but if not, I'll post a link to the form as it's not always that easy to find. We've had to do it a number of times for various children at uni and it has always resulted in the loan being upped.

I think you need a fresh start.
It sounds like the relationship has expired. It is hard to start again but if you can survive being one of the excluded you can survive this. I would take the offer of your friends accommodation 2 hours from your son is easier than 5 & you can visit each other. You can then hopefully start your own line of work. As for the partner it will do you both good not to be cooped up in 1 bedroom flat. Time apart will give you breathing space & help with how you are feeling.
You didn't live together previously & when he was healthy he was having an affair. You absolutely sound like you need to do this for yourself. Lifting your life up and repositioning yourself sounds like the best option.
I also think you have been doing too much for your patner & he should step up & pay for his own taxi to work.
If you are away from a shitty situation long enough you will have a different perspective. Not living in London doesn't mean you can't visit, seriously think about your friends kind offer .

He's not on medication yet. He's only newly diagnosed. He's on a no sugar / dairy / gluten diet so I shop for everything, cook from scratch, batch cook his lunches. The slightest speck of gluten and he's in bed three days.

I digress. Thanks everyone. When I posted I wasn't sure if I was unreasonable. I think maybe me staying after the cheating and his crap behaviour during reconciliation made him think he could treat me like crap, so it's just escalated.

The psychology of it evades me. We didn't live together. I don't get why he didn't leave after the affair rather than stick around enduring months of agony if he didn't love me

But none of it makes sense really. Why on earth he'd prefer being alone for New Year. He hates me being away. Hates. He said he just didn't feel well enough, and I feel emotionally blackmailed. Because as people say he works full time and manages things he wants to.

This is a hard and scary time. I'm angry now, but I calm down ill really worry about him. I think he will end up unable to keep working because he doesn't cope well without me. That's not me flattering nyself. He can't cope with both work and self care. He's got no one but me.

I think the PP is right and I need to grieve what might have been. I truly believe the stress of the affair caused his illness to manifest as he was fine before. And I loved him enough to get over the affair, to stay beside him through chronic illness and to build a lovely life together.

But I realise he's not building a lovely life together, and my life has become stressful and very painful. The way he tries to blame me for all of it makes me feel terrible inside and I've stopped loving myself.

I know I deserved better - I know everyone does. I feel during conversations that I'm going insane. He deflects, he blame shifts, he drags up everything I've ever done wrong, he twists reality, he takes no responsibility, he says cruel things.

I think when I found out about his affair I thought the question was if I could get over it. That really wasn't it though. I think he feels so much shame that he tries to shame me instead.

It's easy enough to do, because he's right. In the aftermath of the affair I did bad things. Not immediately. The first few months I was really calm. I didn't even get angry. I was just crying and really bewildered. It was after months on end of being promised he'd move heaven and earth to repair us and failing to keep every promise that i started getting really angry.

I snogged someone else, I called him horrible names, I left a dozen times, I said hurtful words and I started to drink and put myself I danger because I didn't want to be here anymore.

Why?

Because I wasn't worth fidelity and in the aftermath I wasn't worth any effort to put it right. I mean, completely fuck all. He refused counselling, he refused conversations, he told me to get over it. And he blamed that on illness. But deep down i know he just didn't care.

I think he's angry at the world because he is ill and in pain and he takes it out on me. Because he can. Because he seemingly blames my anger for his illness.

I'm really sad someone I loved so much, and believe me I truly did, would hurt and harm me in these ways. No man has ever called me a cunt or cheated or chucked me out or left me at New Year. I'm sorry it was him, because he's the person I've loved and trusted most that I've ever known.

I hope after being away that it's like people say and I start to realise how bad it was. Part of me knows, but it's very hard to admit to myself.

I don't really want any of this to be my life at all.

You’re clearly an intelligent, insightful and highly resourceful woman whose life has taken an absolute kicking the last 3 years.

I’ll look out for your post jan 1st 23 where your opening sentence is “thank fuck I wasn’t tied to a mortgage with that joy-sucker”!

Your relationship has certainly become toxic and Co-dependent.

Perhaps he will have to work part time to look after himself - he has that option!!

You certainly need time on your own to look after your own needs and find your self worth.

OP - your relationship has run its course. It is over. You can love him until the cows come home, but its over. Its time to move on.

Take up that offer from your friend and get back on your feet financially, mentally, emotionally AND physically. You have nothing left to give, we can all see it.

I have someone who I made plans with, who promised me he would sort it. After 30 years of broken promises I, myself, am broken. I realised recently that they were just lies to shut me up. This is what your DP has done to you as well. You are giving your all to a liar and a cheat.

PS. I have Fibro and Lupus, and being investigated for RA. The only thing my DH does for me is cook, but thats only because I drop the food so he would get to eat either. I'm in enormous pain too but I still have to clean, garden etc.

Am I reading this right?

Your joint income pre covid was £165k, £65k of it was yours which has dropped significantly due to no fault of your own but you’re paying £200 per month so taxis? What’s his £100k doing?

He’s got you right where he wants you OP. Run.

Thanks for all the support regarding my son. He does get the maximum maintenance loan already. 90% of that is gone one his catered accommodation. His uni is a very expensive place to live. It leaves only 100 for everything else. I pay about 600 additional a month for counselling, books, clothing, weekend food, going out, laundry, travel. I know its a lot. When he's less stressed ill suggest part time work. He's had a really shit few years too and I can't bear hearing more on.

It's great advice to revisit PIP via the disability team. I'll do that.

@Just4ThisThread no, he earns 68k, I earned the rest. I made nearly double his salary after tax.

OP, you have not given up anything for him, but for him you would not have a place to live. His infidelity did not effect your financial circumstances, nor did his illness. The lost of your job created your financial circumstances. I assume when you made plans to live together, it was with the assumption that you would both be contributing to the expenses.

He may not be a great person; after all, he did cheat rather than ending your relationship in an honorable fashion.

The cheating, and your moving in with him without the ability to carry your share of the experience appear to be the only elective decisions that the 2 of you have made recently.

He had no control over his health situation ,and you had no control over your loss of employment.

Why can't you seek employment in other geographic areas? You son, on breaks, could travel by bus or train to wherever you found employment . You would have some measure of independence and could provide a home for your son.

Why don't you leave him to sort his own health care issues. If he is capable of working, he is capable of sorting his own care provider needs.

Your anger is misplaced. He might reasonably expect you to be grateful that he provided you with a place to stay when otherwise you would have been homeless. He too should appreciate any care assistance that you have provided.

Given, that neither of you recognize the value of the benefits that you are receiving from the other, you should probably live apart.

You need to move to an area where you can find employment. Surely, you plan to work again.

He needs to be left to his own devices to manage his life as an immuno compromised individual. Many immuno compromised individuals work and live on their own.

You are not a couple who together manage stress well. Having learned that lesson, you should live apart as you work through this difficult period. How would either of you managed your circumstances should the other not been their? You should both go pack to your original plan B options.