To call the police and ruin a friendship?

[Emschels]

Hi all,

Happy New Year! Sorry this is a long one!

Me and my friend (28 & 29) have known each other since we were born really, as we both lived on the same council estate and our mums were friends. I have recently welcomed my first child with my partner, and she is his godmum. We do everything together - even work at the same school (although I’m on maternity at the minute).

On Boxing Day, her family always hold a little afternoon get together. Me and my partner always go and this year I took the baby. She brought her new partner (who we had met before at her house briefly earlier on in the year) who seemed to hit it off with my partner, and they were sharing drinks etc. It gets closer to my sons bedtime, and my friend asked if her and her new partner could come over to my flat and have a few drinks once I’d done the bedtime routine and got my little boy down. The night was fine, everything seemed great, nothing amiss. They left at 9.30ish, my partner then went to bed, I did the cleaning.

My boyfriend then woke up at 3am the next morning (27th) for work. On his phone, he had notifications from his HSBC app that his card had been used in three shops around our local area at just before 11pm the previous evening, as well as a hotel booking. He had also received emails from American Express letting him know that they had stopped a £57.99 transaction from a corner shop as they suspected fraudulent activity. We looked for his wallet and it was nowhere in the house; annoyed, he’s presumed he’s dropped it on the way to and from the get together and some opportunist has picked it up and used it. He’s called his bank, reported it as fraudulent and luckily they’ve refunded the money and action fraud have opened a case. Assumed the wallet would be long gone now etc but cancelled all cards and credit cards.

Later on that day, he checks his banking apps. All clear (except HSBC) apart from his barclaycard credit card (which doesn’t show pending transactions) now showing that this card was used in more shops - although some of these shops are specifically named after the area they are in (think London express for example). Two of the places are in an area of East London, which is where my friends new partner is from. For reference, we all live in South West London, about an hours journey away from him on public transport so we suspect it’s not a coincidence.

Ive told my friend that the cards were used in East London and immediately she’s on the defensive saying “No it couldn’t be him, he’d never do that,”. Fair enough, but I’ve told her that my partner will be contacting the police through 101 as these new transactions have bumped the total amount that was spent/stolen to £386 (!!). She agrees she would do the same thing.

Today she has called me and said that she has the wallet. Her partner admitted to it but said he was drunk and can’t remember and woke up with the wallet in his room. She said that her partner knows he messed up and is really sorry. Said she could never forgive him etc etc. He came, dropped off the wallet and she told him to leave. Earlier on tonight I drove to hers and knocked on the door to collect the wallet, he was in her flat. I was shocked he was there and angrily asked him why he did it, he said he didn’t know why, it wasn’t personal, he was drunk but he’s bought the wallet back and now this should be the end of it because my boyfriend ‘has been given the money back by the bank so hasn’t lost out’. At this point now I’m fuming. How dare he? I’ve said it’s not the end of it and if he can’t tell me why he did it he can explain to the police.

On the way home I got a number of WhatsApp messages from my friend asking why we were still contacting the police, and she thinks we shouldn’t do that because he’s said he’s sorry. I’m under the impression she thought that because he’d handed the wallet back, we’d miraculously thank him and not take any further action. I asked her about what she said about not forgiving him and why he was still in the flat, she said that shes stressed because she’s in the middle, can’t pick between her partner and me, even after he stole because he knows he did wrong and can’t remember anything from the night. We got into an argument after that and she’s blocked me on WhatsApp now because I refused to promise her my partner wouldn’t call the police.

My thing is that this is theft. A criminal offence. And he has taken the wallet from the house my partner shares with me and our 5 month old baby. I don’t buy his story about being too drunk to realise as well, because he was able to make a journey on a bus and 2 tube trains back to East London, as well as inputting all his personal information on to booking.com and going into several shops. Also, if he can do this to her friends and think he can get away with it - what’s next? Stealing from her family? Her?

One of her last messages to me was that if I call the police then I am throwing away her friendship because her partner (who is already on probationary license) will most likely be arrested and charged, and then she will feel ‘too awkward’ to talk to me. According to her, I’m being unreasonable because he’s handed the stuff back, my partner has been refunded from the bank, and he’s said he’s sorry, so I should just leave it there.

Im very very stoic on this but does anyone else think that I’m being unreasonable and blowing this all out of proportion?

He might have been drunk but not too drunk to revert back to his normal behaviour. He might have been too drunk to realise that he wouldn’t get away with it so close to home though! He was bound to get caught.

or

As a pp said, it might well have been that he is doing it to isolate the friend as part of the abusive man’s common strategy and thought he could sweet talk his way out of charges in the name of friendship and not “grassing” up friends - perhaps common in his world (and in the world of the weird pp who thinks theft isn’t a big deal)

She's thrown the friendship away by choosing a lying thieving sack of shit over her morals. 🤷

Why would the thief travel from your area (sw London) to his area (East London) where he used the cards , and then back to SW London ?

I suspect the overarching agenda for the thief was that he used this as a way to get control of his girlfriend...
if he can get her to lie and cover up for him, to be loyal to him and betray her friend then he knows that he 'owns' her, he has manipulated to her into acting against her own interests and in his favour, or, to put it in terms with which the thief may be familiar .....
she is now his bitch

Something similar actually happened to me once. An old school friend who I hadn’t seen in 15 years was in town and stopped over, next morning couldn't find my bank card. Asked if he’d picked it up by accident, he said apologies, yes I did. He’d used it on way out of town for a McDonald’s and to fill up on petrol. When back in his city he ordered a pizza online.

Claimed it had been in his wallet and scanned accidentally. Messed me about for days making excuses why he couldn’t send money back. Told him I’d reported him to the police and miraculously the money appeared. He also claimed to be drunk/high and not fully aware of what he was doing. Load of crap, he just thought he could get away with it and rely on plausible deniability + me (hopefully) preferring to believe it was an accident and all was well.

I think he was actually living his life as a conman and did this a lot. He was incredulous that I’d actually reported him to the police. Laters loser. 👋

As he had come to visit my friend, his partner who lives in SW London. As I said in my original post, the cards were used in local shops first which is why my partner initially assumed an opportunist from around our area had picked it up, my partner thinking he’d dropped it along our walk home. The suspicion wasn’t immediately on my friends partner, naively.

He then used it in East London as this is where he lives and gone into shops there. We knew it was east London as one of the transactions was from a shop called Ilford express. He has then returned to SW London on Saturday (yesterday) to return the wallet as we said we were calling the police.

He took the wallet on Monday and stayed in East London until 5 days later.

It's odd that she has turned this around on you and that you are throwing away a friendship when knowing what he had done is supporting him and not supporting you. She threw away the friendship the moment she allowed him back and asked for you to not report it. I agree he wasn't that drunk to be able to do all that and I wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't the first time he's done this. How would you even maintain a friendship if he's in her life anyway he would never be trusted again!

Incredulous that I'd actually reported
Presumably his previous victims were fooled by his cover story and that's why he thought it would work with you..... I wonder if he reverted to easier victims or did he up his game and go for a more sophisticated cover?

You are most definatly BU..
Its the morals of it all. never mind that your dp got his money back,, Who will this tosser steal from next?
And even if you did let it all blow over,,,you couldnt have a good friendship with your friend again,
She is the one thats being unreasonable and irresponsible

You need to use your head in situations like this. In my mind at least, credit card theft and murder and rape are very different and require different responses. I don't think that is unreasonable but your opinion may differ.

Yeah that's what grassing is, calling the cops on someone. It's a fairly common term.

I would report it and speak to neither of them again. That is not a mistake. What a low life scum bag. Your friend is just as bad.

Calling the cops on someone to report a criminal activity is what people with integrity would do.

Not reporting shows a lack of integrity and is cowardly.

Excellent point. Essentially, you DP is an accomplice now? Definitely report now before it gets much messier! This will certainly not be the last incident... if your friend is a true friend, she will come round . But if she doesn't then it isn't worth it now anyways. You can't our your baby at risk either
She's goin to get sucked in by the deceit and could become a criminal too...

No, there is still a victim.

A crime being commited equals a victim being created.

You do not get to mitigate or minimise the effect of criminal behaviour on the victim.

Who knows OP's financial situation, loosing £350+ quid could have been a very worrying time for them. They are a victim of a crime.

Seen as offending behaviour sometimes escalates, better to nick the common chancing thief, and deal with it, with reformative services before it escalated to aggravated burglary. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Op I'm sorry you have gone through this you are doing the right thing

He knew exactly what he was doing and clearly happy to steal from a friend and defraud the bank.
YADNBU.

Indeed. People who think it's ok to steal - steal.

I just want to check I'm understanding you correctly @NowDoYouBelieveMe.

You think it is wrong to report a crime committed against you.

You think you should not give the name of the person who committed that crime against you, and has admitted to you that they did it, to the police.

You think that the person who has committed a crime against you deserves your ?loyalty? / ?support? / ?protection?.

Have I understood you correctly?

OP have you checked if anything else was taken?

Could he have pulled a similar stunt with others? Do you know anyone that suffered fraud? Maybe the dots haven’t been joined. After all, if it was not for East London location you would have continued to assume random fraud

He has probably just (not minimalizing ) used cards. Does he seem the type to play the long game? Could he have applied for credit etc?

He really didn’t care. Not bothered that would need to get new license, cards etc. I don’t believe drunk story for a second. He had the wallet for 5 days.

When friend originally defensive was it obvious that thought her boyfriend involved? Not sure what to think when she said she would do the same, contacting 101. If friend was involved would she have tried to talk you out of it.

Like you say too raw at the moment. However, I think if you did decide to meet up it should be on neutral territory.

Being on license could mean a variety of things. Consequences really not OP’s issue.

I have never stolen anything in my life, I have no need to steal. I actually like helping people and giving things away

I suspect you are giving things away to those with the best sob story and people know this.

The fact you come out with”Nobody likes a grass”
Only people who threaten this are people you shouldn’t be surrounding yourself with.
Those who are out for all they can take or steal.

Calling the police on a long term friends partner is something I could never do, I have heart

So you would rather be complicit in fraud and get a criminal record and all that brings rather than tell someone that someone has stolen from you.

OP has also said that he is on “licence” so could get sent back to prison, but you think that’s good huh Absolutely
sending someone back to prison over theft, when there are real criminals out there committing the most horrific crimes

Very few people start off committing horrific crimes. There is usually a history of escalation and theft can have some horrific consequences.

I have had my purse stolen, my passport stolen and my Dh has been a victim of credit card fraud. (By someone in the credit card company).

They don’t just steal items or money. They steal your time.
The thief can’t give me back the time I have to waste on phone calls and wasted time having to go to the bank to get money for a food shop or having to fill out forms and get photos done to replace passports

You seem to see the theft as no harm done, just a quick transaction and money is replaced. You don’t seem to understand the time involved or that the money is coming from somewhere or someone else.

Why shouldn’t a thief have their time wasted going to court, doing community service or being out in prison

You sound like one of those people that would could the benefits office on their own friend

You have a very screwed moral compass.

If someone is defrauding the benefits office or stealing from your bank or breaking into your house or shop lifting.
We all end up paying.
Which goes back to stealing time. How much time people work just to pay for the inflated cost of insurance, food, clothing etc.

Only thing I have noticed is thieves are usually really really stupid.

A thief who broke into my car and took my purse used by Tesco club card for years.

We had a lovely holiday to the Red Sea on the club card points they amassed for me.

I tend to curse the people who have stolen from me or been nasty to me.
My family know what happens and jokingly warn their friends to not annoy me.

@WhereYouLeftIt

I personally wouldn't call the police in this situation. I would drop the friend and tell her that it's because she's siding with this loser. Hopefully she'll see the light and apologise at some point.

Why is that so difficult to grasp?

The OPs partner could be implicated in fraud.

Not difficult to grasp is it?

It is difficult to grasp why you wouldn't do the right thing and prevent this criminal from further activity, for the sake of not being a "grass".

No!!!!!!!

DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!!! This would be seen as conspiring to fraud!