To call the police and ruin a friendship?

[Emschels]

Hi all,

Happy New Year! Sorry this is a long one!

Me and my friend (28 & 29) have known each other since we were born really, as we both lived on the same council estate and our mums were friends. I have recently welcomed my first child with my partner, and she is his godmum. We do everything together - even work at the same school (although I’m on maternity at the minute).

On Boxing Day, her family always hold a little afternoon get together. Me and my partner always go and this year I took the baby. She brought her new partner (who we had met before at her house briefly earlier on in the year) who seemed to hit it off with my partner, and they were sharing drinks etc. It gets closer to my sons bedtime, and my friend asked if her and her new partner could come over to my flat and have a few drinks once I’d done the bedtime routine and got my little boy down. The night was fine, everything seemed great, nothing amiss. They left at 9.30ish, my partner then went to bed, I did the cleaning.

My boyfriend then woke up at 3am the next morning (27th) for work. On his phone, he had notifications from his HSBC app that his card had been used in three shops around our local area at just before 11pm the previous evening, as well as a hotel booking. He had also received emails from American Express letting him know that they had stopped a £57.99 transaction from a corner shop as they suspected fraudulent activity. We looked for his wallet and it was nowhere in the house; annoyed, he’s presumed he’s dropped it on the way to and from the get together and some opportunist has picked it up and used it. He’s called his bank, reported it as fraudulent and luckily they’ve refunded the money and action fraud have opened a case. Assumed the wallet would be long gone now etc but cancelled all cards and credit cards.

Later on that day, he checks his banking apps. All clear (except HSBC) apart from his barclaycard credit card (which doesn’t show pending transactions) now showing that this card was used in more shops - although some of these shops are specifically named after the area they are in (think London express for example). Two of the places are in an area of East London, which is where my friends new partner is from. For reference, we all live in South West London, about an hours journey away from him on public transport so we suspect it’s not a coincidence.

Ive told my friend that the cards were used in East London and immediately she’s on the defensive saying “No it couldn’t be him, he’d never do that,”. Fair enough, but I’ve told her that my partner will be contacting the police through 101 as these new transactions have bumped the total amount that was spent/stolen to £386 (!!). She agrees she would do the same thing.

Today she has called me and said that she has the wallet. Her partner admitted to it but said he was drunk and can’t remember and woke up with the wallet in his room. She said that her partner knows he messed up and is really sorry. Said she could never forgive him etc etc. He came, dropped off the wallet and she told him to leave. Earlier on tonight I drove to hers and knocked on the door to collect the wallet, he was in her flat. I was shocked he was there and angrily asked him why he did it, he said he didn’t know why, it wasn’t personal, he was drunk but he’s bought the wallet back and now this should be the end of it because my boyfriend ‘has been given the money back by the bank so hasn’t lost out’. At this point now I’m fuming. How dare he? I’ve said it’s not the end of it and if he can’t tell me why he did it he can explain to the police.

On the way home I got a number of WhatsApp messages from my friend asking why we were still contacting the police, and she thinks we shouldn’t do that because he’s said he’s sorry. I’m under the impression she thought that because he’d handed the wallet back, we’d miraculously thank him and not take any further action. I asked her about what she said about not forgiving him and why he was still in the flat, she said that shes stressed because she’s in the middle, can’t pick between her partner and me, even after he stole because he knows he did wrong and can’t remember anything from the night. We got into an argument after that and she’s blocked me on WhatsApp now because I refused to promise her my partner wouldn’t call the police.

My thing is that this is theft. A criminal offence. And he has taken the wallet from the house my partner shares with me and our 5 month old baby. I don’t buy his story about being too drunk to realise as well, because he was able to make a journey on a bus and 2 tube trains back to East London, as well as inputting all his personal information on to booking.com and going into several shops. Also, if he can do this to her friends and think he can get away with it - what’s next? Stealing from her family? Her?

One of her last messages to me was that if I call the police then I am throwing away her friendship because her partner (who is already on probationary license) will most likely be arrested and charged, and then she will feel ‘too awkward’ to talk to me. According to her, I’m being unreasonable because he’s handed the stuff back, my partner has been refunded from the bank, and he’s said he’s sorry, so I should just leave it there.

Im very very stoic on this but does anyone else think that I’m being unreasonable and blowing this all out of proportion?

Have a heart?
the boyfriend didnt have a heart when he stole the £400, the friend doesn’t have a heart as she’s standing by him, but the op and her dp should have a heart in case the boyfriend gets sent back to prison, jeez I’ve heard it all now!

The op isn’t sending the boyfriend back to prison, he’s doing that himself by committing a further crime whilst out on license!

@NowDoYouBelieveMe so "grassing" is reporting criminal activity to the police. Where is your line in all this, honestly interested. Would you report a rapist or a murderer to the police if you knew their identity? Or would you also consider that "grassing" ?

Disgusting, illiterate piece of shit. Glad you're not letting this go. Your friend is an idiot, she is the one choosing him over your friendship.

I would be very warey about letting her come over. For now, I would keep my distance

It is absolutely not a "safeguarding concern", no need to cause this woman trouble at work. You are no longer asked to reveal association with a person that has a criminal record either.

Definitely I would stay well away from this friend now
she's under the spell of this man and he's using her as an unwitting accomplice to facilitate his crimes
I think he had this all planned, all his excuses ready, he knows he's manipulated her to do whatever he wants, the way he's just laughing it off and acting like it's nothing, that's all part of his Modus operandi

And don't get me wrong, I believe that she is a victim too, she just doesn't know it yet. Another reason everyone would be better if if he were locked up.

Is he serious? Didn't think about your child when she brought a thief into your house, did she? And honestly, that is what I'd reply. The friendship was over when you brought a thief into my home, then defended him stealing from us. He can be as sorry as he likes, it doesn't undo it.

OP has also said that he is on “licence” so could get sent back to prison, but you think that’s good huh? sending someone back to prison over theft

That's his lookout. He knew what would happen if he broke the law again and did it anyway. Not OPs problem.

It's only a matter of time before he's in prison so hopefully your friend will see sense then.
And the cctv will show who he stayed at the hotel with. If it's your friend then she's in deep shit as well. Sorry but I'd be suspicious of her.

I think its bloody brilliant that we have the probationary licence system so that people can be out of the prison system, but if they continue to be criminals they can be put back inside swiftly.

This is exactly the sort of thing its for. If he didn't want to risk going back to prison, he could have just not stolen.

It's very easy to not steal, most people do it every single day, I have managed it since about 1994 (when as a 14 year old, I nicked a pen from Stationery Box on our high street. I felt so guilty I was sick and went and sneaked it back an hour later!).

OP - do NOT let her speak to you in person, because if she DOES anything she says will be off record. Tell her no but leave whatsapp unblocked, so anything she says is recorded and can be used if necessary.

Fucking unbelievable.

Hopefully she will ditch him at some point and apologise, but how shit that she’s making him stealing from you your problem and your responsibility to cover up.

This might be worth pointing out to your friend.

There are a few things I think are a bit weird about this whole situation. Firstly, you went to your friends house for their usual Boxing Day party were your partner befriended this guy, shared drinks and all sorts…. That’s all fine, however it seems very peculiar to me that they were happily drinking there with no issues and then decided they wanted to come to your flat to continue drinking once your little one was asleep? But you didn’t say this party had ended or that you had to cut your time short to go home or anything so they just randomly decided to come to your place🧐.

Secondly you said that he used your partners driving licence as it had your address and other info on it so I’m guessing was using it for ID purposes? Thing is your driving licence has your picture on it and unless he looks uncannily like your partner it seems strange they would accept a licence that belongs to someone else unless he never fully handed it over (which they usually always take it for a good look and to copy details and also covered over the picture which would just look weird just trying to picture that in my head.

You also said you doubted he actually was drunk as he was able to take your partners personal information and enter it each time… But wait, how did this guy get your partners personal information like card PIN number and such? I doubt he randomly guessed the combination and it seems weird anyone but him and you would have this information so how did this guy end up with that information, especially for more than one bank card? Did your partner get so “close” to him at that party that he somehow allowed his pin to slip from his mouth?

lastly in regards to the last message your received asking for her to come to your house, like others have said I wouldn’t allow it, the last time she came you ended up in this predicament but, since you have this case ongoing now, she will likely want to speak to you off the record but the thing is you need everything recorded and on the record as she could incriminate herself or her partner and you will have no proof.. I have dealt with similar situations and was advised by the police if I was to have any further contact make sure it is recorded. So tell her you will now only speak to her via phone call and record the conversation, texts are recorded anyway and if she MUST come to your home, don’t let her in incase anything happens and again record every word she says. It can and will be used as evidence against her and her bf. As much as nothing may come up in that conversation, you will be kicking yourself if it does and you have no proof.

You don’t need the pin to do contactless under £100.
Ordering online doesn’t need the pin either.
Not sure about the hotel thing as I don’t remember having to show driving licence when checking in last time I stayed in a hotel at the desk.
You can check in without seeing any staff now at some hotels though.

Wow. How stupid do you have to be to steal someone’s wallet when you’re out on licence!

unbelievable, and she is a shit friend!

Please don't agree to her coming over. This could further jeopardise your DHs position regarding the fraud. If you have to respond to her in any way ask her to give you and your family space.

The thief knows the address and it's easy to look up postcode with a phone.
You don't need a PIN to order things online, so booking a hotel would be easy enough to do.

I doubt the ratbag will give you anything back that he has stolen

So do I, but if OP does speak with the "friend" at some point, it could be useful to say "We'll discuss this when he returns what he stole"

If nothing else it could be worth it just to hear the excuses

But you didn’t say this party had ended or that you had to cut your time short to go home or anything so they just randomly decided to come to your place

The OP went home to put her child to bed, I think she said? But, yes, it's weird that the friend and her boyfriend decided to tag along. It does make the whole thing seem premediated, at least on his part.

Secondly you said that he used your partners driving licence as it had your address and other info on it so I’m guessing was using it for ID purposes?

She said he used it to book the hotel room; the booking website would have required the card's billing address, which the thief got from the OP's partner's driving license.

@8misskitty8 yeah I was thinking about the limit on contactless however firstly you are the one to set the limit and unless I’m mistaken I thought it was a daily limit of £100 if that is what your cap is to protect against fraud? The thing is the OP said it was almost £400 so even if he used £100 in contactless he wouldn’t be able to go any further and the OP said it was multiple shops (unless it was smaller transactions at those shops).

she said the hotel booking was done online so fair enough that wouldn’t have needed anything more than what the card in front of him was showing however she does say he used her partners driving licence for something?

whenever I had any suspected fraudulent activity on my card and they stopped a transaction for any amount, it also stops any further transactions until I contact the bank and sometimes go there with ID. She said he had an alert of 50-odd £ being declined because of suspected fraud so I wonder if they allowed further transactions after that point?

Not all banks operate the same with regards to contactless limit. Some default to £100 per transaction with no set daily limit. You have the power to reduce this through your banking app should you wish.

It would also appear that the OP had 3 seperate cards used. A HSBC bank card, a Barclaycard and an American express.

So the thief did exactly what a thief would do, used all 3 seperate cards on different transactions to avoid a detection of fraud on one account. American Express seemed the better anti-fraud as they blocked the first transaction.

But it would appear HSBC allowed a fair few to go through and never flagged it as fraudulent.

Barclaycard authorised the hotel booking, and didn't flag it either. It's not an uncommon transaction on a credit card, an online hotel booking.

All he would have needed is the billing address to book the hotel, which he had on the driving licence.

When he arrived at the hotel, the receptionist would have seen the online booking, seen payment received and checked him in, no photo ID required.

Ah right, I can see I must not have explained properly. I’ll try again …

Nope, the party hadn’t ended, but it was approaching the time I start my sons bedtime routine so we said our goodbyes and left. I wasn’t going to keep my 5 month old son out late as he struggles to get to sleep as it is so thought it would be best to go home to stick to the same routine as normal, especially after such an overstimulating day for him of being held by various people etc. My friend asked to come with, she normally comes over to mine on a Friday for example to share a glass of wine and as both our partners were getting on well at that point, I agreed that it might be nice to spend a bit more time together.

in terms of the driving license, I’m not under the impression he used it for ID or even used it at all. I was answering another posters questions of how the friends partner could access my partners billing address to make an online booking, and I assume as his full address is on his driving license, this is how this has happened. My partner has a different billing address to my flat, as we have only recently moved in together whilst I was 7 months pregnant.

The transactions were all made through contactless. But for example, he went to one shop and made two transactions one after the other for differing amounts so that’s how he managed to get around the limit, which I think like a previous poster said is £100. As I also said earlier, one bank card a HSBC one has been used, as well as a BarclayCard Credit Card. The one that was declined and a fraudulent activity email sent was an American Express Card. My partner owns a few different credit cards as he uses them for rewards/collecting British Airways Avios Points/bumping credit score so he had around 5 cards in his wallet when stolen. The only two that were able to be used before being blocked were the bank card and barclaycard - the other 3 are American Express. The transactions have not all come off the same card, and I also did say this in my original post. A big chunk of the £386 in total was also taken for the hotel booking itself.

I have messaged friend back and said that it’s still too raw for a visit, I’m still angry and anything she would like to talk about she can send via WhatsApp. No reply.

whenever I had any suspected fraudulent activity on my card and they stopped a transaction for any amount, it also stops any further transactions until I contact the bank and sometimes go there with ID

As the PP just said, I guess they all do things differently

On mine it'll say something like there's been a transaction such-and-such; contact us if it wasn't you ... but they don't stop the card