To call the police and ruin a friendship?

[Emschels]

Hi all,

Happy New Year! Sorry this is a long one!

Me and my friend (28 & 29) have known each other since we were born really, as we both lived on the same council estate and our mums were friends. I have recently welcomed my first child with my partner, and she is his godmum. We do everything together - even work at the same school (although I’m on maternity at the minute).

On Boxing Day, her family always hold a little afternoon get together. Me and my partner always go and this year I took the baby. She brought her new partner (who we had met before at her house briefly earlier on in the year) who seemed to hit it off with my partner, and they were sharing drinks etc. It gets closer to my sons bedtime, and my friend asked if her and her new partner could come over to my flat and have a few drinks once I’d done the bedtime routine and got my little boy down. The night was fine, everything seemed great, nothing amiss. They left at 9.30ish, my partner then went to bed, I did the cleaning.

My boyfriend then woke up at 3am the next morning (27th) for work. On his phone, he had notifications from his HSBC app that his card had been used in three shops around our local area at just before 11pm the previous evening, as well as a hotel booking. He had also received emails from American Express letting him know that they had stopped a £57.99 transaction from a corner shop as they suspected fraudulent activity. We looked for his wallet and it was nowhere in the house; annoyed, he’s presumed he’s dropped it on the way to and from the get together and some opportunist has picked it up and used it. He’s called his bank, reported it as fraudulent and luckily they’ve refunded the money and action fraud have opened a case. Assumed the wallet would be long gone now etc but cancelled all cards and credit cards.

Later on that day, he checks his banking apps. All clear (except HSBC) apart from his barclaycard credit card (which doesn’t show pending transactions) now showing that this card was used in more shops - although some of these shops are specifically named after the area they are in (think London express for example). Two of the places are in an area of East London, which is where my friends new partner is from. For reference, we all live in South West London, about an hours journey away from him on public transport so we suspect it’s not a coincidence.

Ive told my friend that the cards were used in East London and immediately she’s on the defensive saying “No it couldn’t be him, he’d never do that,”. Fair enough, but I’ve told her that my partner will be contacting the police through 101 as these new transactions have bumped the total amount that was spent/stolen to £386 (!!). She agrees she would do the same thing.

Today she has called me and said that she has the wallet. Her partner admitted to it but said he was drunk and can’t remember and woke up with the wallet in his room. She said that her partner knows he messed up and is really sorry. Said she could never forgive him etc etc. He came, dropped off the wallet and she told him to leave. Earlier on tonight I drove to hers and knocked on the door to collect the wallet, he was in her flat. I was shocked he was there and angrily asked him why he did it, he said he didn’t know why, it wasn’t personal, he was drunk but he’s bought the wallet back and now this should be the end of it because my boyfriend ‘has been given the money back by the bank so hasn’t lost out’. At this point now I’m fuming. How dare he? I’ve said it’s not the end of it and if he can’t tell me why he did it he can explain to the police.

On the way home I got a number of WhatsApp messages from my friend asking why we were still contacting the police, and she thinks we shouldn’t do that because he’s said he’s sorry. I’m under the impression she thought that because he’d handed the wallet back, we’d miraculously thank him and not take any further action. I asked her about what she said about not forgiving him and why he was still in the flat, she said that shes stressed because she’s in the middle, can’t pick between her partner and me, even after he stole because he knows he did wrong and can’t remember anything from the night. We got into an argument after that and she’s blocked me on WhatsApp now because I refused to promise her my partner wouldn’t call the police.

My thing is that this is theft. A criminal offence. And he has taken the wallet from the house my partner shares with me and our 5 month old baby. I don’t buy his story about being too drunk to realise as well, because he was able to make a journey on a bus and 2 tube trains back to East London, as well as inputting all his personal information on to booking.com and going into several shops. Also, if he can do this to her friends and think he can get away with it - what’s next? Stealing from her family? Her?

One of her last messages to me was that if I call the police then I am throwing away her friendship because her partner (who is already on probationary license) will most likely be arrested and charged, and then she will feel ‘too awkward’ to talk to me. According to her, I’m being unreasonable because he’s handed the stuff back, my partner has been refunded from the bank, and he’s said he’s sorry, so I should just leave it there.

Im very very stoic on this but does anyone else think that I’m being unreasonable and blowing this all out of proportion?

Honestly people who use that term about grass are clearly criminals themselves .. no one I know in real life would use that phrase.
The only reason he owned up was he knew that the police would access cctv and he'd be caught then anyway . He was just trying to save his own skin.
He stole from his hosts who were nothing but kind to him. He's a disgusting rotten drunken thief and deserves what ever he gets

I’ve had a message from her at 10.20 this morning asking if she can come to mine so we can talk

Yes, I expected something like this. Desperate to keep him out of jail, it's very likely you'd be told he's "going to get help", "really regrets it", and whatever else she thinks might close this down - the very excuses which tend to wash with those who handle such things less wisely than yourself

It's your decision to make of course, but bearing in mind she had him there last night even after all that happened, I wouldn't be seeing her yet and I wouldn't close the friendship down completely either. Instead I'd say you hope to support her once she's got rid of this scum once and for all, which leaves the choice in her hands

@NowDoYouBelieveMe

I'd call it reporting a crime with specific and confirmed details regarding the perpetrator. Hopefully likely to result in a conviction being secured.

The b word?
What the fuck! This isn't netmums you know 🤣
Bless you

Having read through the OP's account of the events of the night in question, it totally wouldn't surprise me if the thief had engineered the visit to the flat in the evening. He might have thought 'Comfortable-looking couple, nice shoes, clothes, phones, etc, he's got a decent watch, nice neighbourhood, let's get in their gaff, could be a nice little tickle' (I am guessing how crims think). Whether his girlfriend was in on it or just too dim to realise, who knows???

This! He has a duty to be responsible and honest to the bank, it doesn't mean you necessarily have to. If that means involving the police then so be it.

It's the boyfriend's fault entirely and neither you nor your partner should be made to feel bad for the decisions you now make. Your best friend should understand that.

It always annoys me when people who report crimes are called 'grasses'. At one time a '[snake in the] grass' was someone with whom you were in a criminal enterprise, who was actually informing to the police. A betrayer, if you like. When did it become a term for a 'civilian' (non-crim) who reported a crime against themselves or someone close? Likewise 'snitch'.

if the OP's boyfriend fails to report everything openly and fully to the bank, he could find the bank closing his account(s). They can do this.

How can she trust him now he's been revealed as a thief? Someone who would steal from her friends! Your friend is being unreasonable for sure, I hope she sees sense soon

I wouldn't let her come round, she could easily turn up with him. The situation is too raw at the moment and the Police need to investigate. If she turns up with him before they've had a chance to process the updated information then it may muddy the waters.

I.e your husband made a report about X and yet you had him in your home the very same day?

Keep your distance and let everything take its course. You've already reported so any pleading she will do will be irrelevant now.

That text trying to say you should forgive her in the name of friendship! Where was the friendship evident when he took the wallet?

Just send one last message or see her if you want, reiterating that you’ll be there for her when she comes to her senses, but that whilst she continues to associate with a man who is capable of that behaviour, you want nothing to do with her. You understand love is blind and all that, but you can’t stand by and enable her relationship with such a lowlife (insert a less inflammatory description of him).

I would tell her that you are in the middle too!

It was your partner’s wallet that was stolen, his money taken, and HIM that has the relationship with his bank and credit card. He needs to tell the police what he knows, or he is now effectively defrauding his bank.

Your friendship is fucked anyway if she continues seeing this man. You can’t socialise with him, have him in your home, allow him near your child. So it’s her who is messing up the friendship. I don’t know how she has the front to guilt trip you like this.

Except I do. She is another woman in thrall or under the thumb / control of a bad man. Or her self esteem is so low that she needs his attention.

But actually she needs your friendships more, if she values her quality of life.

I would be telling her all this. It’s not as if you have anything to lose.

Your friendship is over anyway . Report .

Grassing????

The victim of a crime, reporting the crime to the police is not 'grassing'.

It's called reporting a crime.

The face that the criminal is known to them is neither here nor there.

After the thread last night about calling the police on a drink-driver, and the OP getting grief for not calling them herself. Would that also be 'grassing'?

Honestly people who use that term about grass are clearly criminals themselves .. no one I know in real life would use that phrase

Me neither, but then I don't knowingly mix with criminals

However Mumsnet's one of the larger SM sites so it's entirely possible that it includes a portion of them

Definitely report to the police and don’t hear any of their lies, if it’s the end of the friendship with her then so be it. He’s proven he’s stolen from you as per your detective work and I really wouldn’t let it pass, if she supports him or not. He’s just hoping the friendship you both have means you’ll “forgive him”. People on probation (temped there when younger) are there for a reason.

Years ago I worked with my best friend, her boyfriend and a few friends at same workplace etc. All of us out one night and when my back was turned (in toilet I think) my purse was stolen and the max amount which could be withdrawn from bank was done. I reported it to the police (I had my PIN number there but it was in days of PIN numbers being new, and luckily bank refunded me…. All very stressful). Boyfriend of best friend “suddenly” had money to go a festival etc which he hadn’t had before…. I’m sure the police thought it could be someone I knew but I wasn’t sure at the time and my friends I was with seemed perplexed. I have no idea if my best friend knew her boyfriend had stolen my purse but the boyfriend had “disappeared” that night and then reappeared (I know now he went to cashpoint with my bank card!). For me I knew I’d be putting my friendship in trouble if I outright accused him with little proof. My best friend did have alcohol issues though and blacked out a few times.

So a month or so later I’m in the pub with them, the boyfriend gets talking to me and says “oh it’s lucky they didn’t take your Xxx card isn’t it?!” This card was In my purse… but I hadn’t told anyone about it… not even best friend. I was torn between telling best friend that I knew it was her boyfriend so didn’t. Didn’t report him but due to where we all worked and it was where lots of families worked, they wouldn’t be happy with me saying someone was a thief. Friend broke up with boyfriend but apparently he admitted one night drunk to her before break up, yes he had stolen from me. Wanted forgiveness etc…. I couldn’t be bothered to go to police after she told me…

"grassing" isn't a thing. You are not children on the playground carrying tales and clecian. (Not sure of the English equivalent for this word, but in Welsh it's clecian)

You are adults, you live in society, and part of living in society is working together to make it a better place.

Society would be better if all people who thieved, burgled and commited other petty crimes were dealt with by the appropriate agencies such as police and HMPPS or even HMP. Same obviously for violent crimes.

Honestly OP, making the disclosure/report is fine, it's not "grassing"by any stretch of the imagination.

Regarding your friend, I'd try and avoid the conversation about the thieving, I'd check in on her. He's displaying some major major red flags.

This whole event could be a way of isolating her from friends. What next her family when he thieves from her?

He's a liar and can't be trusted.

His minimising behaviour towards crime and disregard for victims is a major red flag.

What if he does something to her? He's going to "apologies" and "minimise" then gaslight.

This has DA perpetrator 101 all over it.

I'd make a Claire's law enquiry about him. You can do this as her friend, as you have concerns.

His PP (probation Practitioner) will be notified of all of the above also. The police report and the request for Claire's law. You never know part of his licence agreement might be that he reports any "new relationships" so he might be failing to do that also.

Don't get me wrong I'm all for reform, second third and fourth chances, and offending behaviour can be rectified. But that should be left to the professionals, not your poor friend, it's not her job to rehabilitate him. And I can tell you now, just from the snippets of his behaviour, his thoughts attitude and behaviours around offending have not changed.

Partner has been on the phone this morning to the banks and reported what he has told the police, that he knows the individual who committed the fraud, so thank you to everyone who advised us to do that, because we would not have known at all that he could be assumed to be in on it too.

Absolutely he could/would. It’s a fairly common fraud: swap credit cards with a friend and then both report them stolen. If the connection came to light and he hadn’t reported it, it probably would’ve been assumed that your partner was complicit in the crime. I wouldn’t have your friend round on that basis either; I’d simply tell her the facts - as you know it was him, your partner has to report to protect himself against allegations that he was in on the fraud. And you won’t budge from that as the repercussions from that would be horrendous for your DD and your family. You are not the people who’ve behaved badly here.

You have to report or you won't be able to claim the money back,and I doubt the ratbag will give you anything back that he has stolen 😔

Wow, @Iceballoon, I see you back on here when OPs friend is posting about how her awful boyfriend abused her and all her friends trust, and you posting about the horrible friends who didnt say anything even tho they knew he was a scumbag thief.

@DdraigGoch is spot on.

You wouldn't report someone who stole hundreds of pounds from you to the police? Baffling.

I'd bet my hat he's already stolen from her.

The entire episode is such a betrayal of trust built on years of friendship. You must be devastated. I think I'd be more upset by that than the stealing.

But the fact that she's picking him over you means you've been left with no choice on this one.

As for him, nasty little scrote deserves everything he gets.

I would definitely NOT have her round. Anything that needs saying can be done over the phone or by text, email, etc, unless she wants to say something (e.g. a threat) that she wants off the record.

You need to report for all the reasons stated, and also because he could well do the same to other people if not stopped.

I would keep the door open (not literally!- in fact you need to be extra-careful for a while about protecting your home) for her to come back to you. But if the friendship is ruined, it's by him and by her decision to stick with him, not by you.

OP, I don't know if anyone else has said this but if you and your ex friend both work in a school, then you may need to let the school know that she's in a relationship with a criminal. It could be a safeguarding thing and also if your friend could have access to any money such as fundraising money. Also cover your ass in case she causes problems for you at the school. Also, does her partner know you work there too, could you be in danger at work?

This. He is already coerced her and isolated her from her friends, minimised his own behaviour and guilt tripped you not to go to the police . He is totally using your friend and has all the signs of developing into an abusive relationship.

You've done nothing wrong in reporting theft and fraud. I cannot believe the posters telling you not to "grass".