To get dd assessed for autism against her wishes.

[NosyNeighbour22]

My dd is 12 and I now suspect she is autistic to some degree. Although I had earlier suspicions her primary school didn’t see any issues so I left it as she seemed to be getting on ok. However since moving to secondary school her lack of social skills had become a lot more apparent and I’m worried that she will struggle.

I have never told my dd I think she is autistic, I’m not sure how to broach that with her. However she does have certain sensory issues that sometimes make her life difficult eg can’t wear tight clothing or anything cropped or short sleeved which makes it difficult for her to find clothes in shops that sell to her age range. She can’t wear her hair up as she find it uncomfortable so she has to keep it really short for school. There has recently been discussion about her school uniform changing from a hoodie to a tie and blazer which I know dd would struggle with, so I used this to broach the possibility of finding out why she is so sensitive to clothing etc and told her that if there was a proper reason for it then the school might not make her wear a tie. However she was really upset at the suggestion that there might be something ‘wrong’ with her (her words) and said she didn’t want to go to the doctors or talk to the school about it.

There are other signs socially that there is an issue but dd doesn’t see them at all so I would have to point this out to her in a very blunt way for her to understand and she would be extremely upset by it. Had anyone been through this with an older girl and can advise the best way of going about it or AIBU for making her get assessed if she doesn’t want to?

Pray do tell what jobs Autism prevents you from having. I am not aware of this. I am however aware of equality 2010

You actually can join the army with autism. Like many conditions it requires an assessment which is proactive. Sever autism not but that should be no surprise. People with autism already put up with a lot of unjust discrimination. I am not delighted to see it being peddled here.

To the posters who are claiming that autism bars people from employment. Remember it doesn’t. If you’ve met one autistic person, then you’ve met an autistic person. We are all different. Yes and high up in my profession. Now have more awareness and be less discriminatory or careless in the comments please. It’s wearing. As for the OP question. I really get your dilemma and honestly impressed at your intuition. There’s a good reason for considering this early (not saying you should) and that’s puberty. From my knowledge and experience. I am a professional in the field here. It may be that your daughters struggles become more apparent through education. Have the conversation. It will mean she will be able to have access to reasonable adjustments. Disability (autism is not SEND unless existing alongside a learning disability) is the last bastion of discrimination. Be kind to yourself and remember some of us bloom later. I was a disaster at school. They put me in typing class (back in the day). Came in very handy for my doctoral studies. Lots of autistic people are post doctoral. Reframe please. It’s not all bad news but it can be a tough journey. Much love.

Some comments on this thread 🙄

Op try and talk her round by framing it in a positive light. Not getting a dx is by far far more harmful than “the stigma of a label”. I don’t think people realise how often support is refused without a “label” especially in educational/ professional settings. We are due to embark on a similar journey, although in our case DD11 is completely oblivious to her social difficulties.

Thanks, but it's not even on my records here, only overseas and I don't know if any record still exists since I have never used the diagnosis or mentioned it myself to any health professional. It's more about what happened at the time and how it was forced on me and continually brought up despite my distress and people told without my consent.

Not ASD but ADHD and dyslexia - my DD’s primary school was very very good at deflecting away issues (I suppose so it did not cost them any money..the head was not supportive) and I was a young single mum and didn’t know to push harder with them, I sought my own outside help away from school but DD would react the same way saying I was trying to find something wrong with her. I got her though an ADHD assessment finally (she has ADHD) but I couldn’t get her to do anything else, she resisted me completely and school were 🤷‍♀️ Even with her diagnosis. I did try to tell her it might help in exams and with friendships but she just accepted that secondary school label of ‘trouble maker’. The last 2 years of school were absolutely awful with constant detentions for verbal outbursts to teachers when she felt stressed and under pressure and me in the middle between her and school trying to get her through exams.

She’s now an adult and has realised she has struggled, she admits she can’t read and write well and was hiding her difficulties because it was embarrassing. I have a lot of hindsight but I know I couldn’t force her, she didn’t have the maturity back then to handle it. What I did do was push the school to help with her behaviour instead of expel and I supported her with emotional behavioural strategies which have helped her. Not all kids will be the ideal perfect student with a big group of friends and I think some of my expectations of what she should be like got in the way sometimes.

good luck

To be honest who wants to join the army anyway - it's hardly the world's greatest set back if you're barred from throwing bombs at kids in far flung places.

It was the making of both ds and dd1 to receive a diagnosis. They weren’t ‘labelled’

they received a diagnosis of a medical condition that ultimately affects their lives.

without that diagnosis ds said he would have ended up in prison or dead. Society had already had written hun off as being thick, stupid, weird, aggressive, no hoper.

those are labels not Asd ADHD etc

It’s a moot point anyway. DD (11) is 18 months into a referral with an estimate of a further 2 years before she actually receives a diagnosis. And at each step her consent is necessary. So you’re not getting through a lengthy and involved process where she is required to engage without her agreeing to.

Him not hun.

bash to self esteem?

their self esteem was already on the floor, with a diagnoses they experienced sheer relief. It opened doors at school, support groups and was able to get meds (ds also has adhd)

Both their confidence grew and grew and my ds now has a good job and my dd is in uni.

Some of the comments on this thread are a bit cart before horse.

Having difficulty wearing a uniform because of sensory issues is more likely to be a barrier to employment in some jobs than an autism diagnosis, but equality law may mean that the employer has to allow adaptations to accommodate the difficulty.

I am not sure I would if she isn’t having significant difficulties with school and life. We have with my DD but she has had really bad anxiety and OCD as a result of her ASD and has struggled enormously at school. She asks to understand why and she asks for counselling and more help. She is fully on board with wanting the answers. If she was coping better, I would have just accepted her quirks and maybe talked about autism as a possibility with her when she was older.

I recognised autistic traits in my son from a young age, as he got older I discussed getting assessed with him and he was vehemently against it, as was my husband. He's now just been diagnosed in his mid twenties and is embracing the knowledge that he hasn't been doing life 'wrong' walk this time he's neuro divergent and is doing life the way his brain allows him to.
Sounds good, yay, I was right, but the reality is he struggled internally for years through school then crashed at uni and I'm lucky he's still with us and every day I wish I'd pushed harder for him to consider assessments.
We're early days on the road to recovery but he's spent years of his life hating himself for not coping with life like his peers and it will take many more years to undo that.
It's so difficult and I caveat all of the above with, I'll never really know if being assessed earlier would have made a difference and I hope you and your daughter can work through this together.

doing life 'wrong' all this time 😳

DD has Can you see me, it's a great book. I've been meaning to get the others. She's an avid reader. OP if your DD is open to reading some books or being read to that could help her see or not, you might do more research and find the answers something else or nothing specific.

I have sensory issues with food, clothes, smells, noise, I really don't think I'm Autistic. I've read into it a few times and it doesn't feel like it fits I think I may have ADD, but diagnosis as an adult is hard and expensive so it'll have to stay as a maybe. There's cross over with a lot of conditions, I'd do some reading around ASD/ADHD/ADD/social anxiety and write down things you notice, talk about neurodiversity generally, check in with her, talk if she brings you some issues, I'd address those directly, give it some time before you bring it up again. It took 18 months for DD to get to the top of the waiting list here for a private diagnosis, in that space I went from maybe to 99% sure and DD went from being uninterested to actively wanting a diagnosis as things became more difficult for her. Learn what you can so you can support her if need be, if she is ND it will become more obvious with time and she may reach a place of actively wanting to find out if she is ND.

Well said 😂

This is one of the (many) places where the diagnosis of classic autism vs Aspergers syndrome was useful IMO, before they just lumped everyone in together.

No one with classic autism should be in the army on medical grounds I'd have thought. But those with Aspergers should be case by case - I know someone who was later diagnosed with Aspergers who was an officer in the army and went to Afganistan so there's absolutely no need for a blanket ban. If someone is very sensitive to noise, easily overwhelmed etc then the chances are they're not going to think a career in the army is for them anyway.

DS was diagnosed at 10 and didn't have to consent to anything. There wasn't an 'every stage of the way' because he saw a specialist (NHS) and was diagnosed by her in 45 minutes. The process varied hugely depending on where you are.

OP do you think your daughter would benefit from access arrangements in her GCSE's? I'd say that is the biggest difference that getting diagnosed made for DS.

I think you should have your DD assessed for any neurodiversity. When you read of people who were only assessed as adults and the difficulties it caused before assessment, it seems the kindest thing you can do.

Don't be ridiculous OP is clearly describing more wide reaching sensory issues than being fussy with clothes. My DC are sometimes fussy with clothes but if they had to wear something for school they wouldn't genuinely struggle. She's also described social issues.

To all those calling a diagnosis a label, what is wrong with labels? We label everything, all these words I'm writing now are labels we have attached to certain things in order to communicate with one another affectively. We attach labels to our children the second they are born: gender; name; blood type.. I would tag you in this, but that would be using your self-imposed label and I assume you wouldn't like that..? Labels are useful so let's be honest here, what you really mean is you find the autism label undesirable.

Trouble is, you can't compare a self pursued adult diagnosis to a childhood one with a teen who is resisting the idea. I wish I'd had the first experience personally. Ultimately, I will never know if not knowing would have been better than the trauma an unwanted diagnosis caused, just as those diagnosed as adults will never know if an earlier diagnosis would have helped. At 12, I'd get them on the waiting list but let them make the final decision.

Isn't pointing out the positives just trying to redress the balance though, rather than making out there are no problems? My DD is only too aware of the various things she struggles with and all the ways she 'fails'. She isn't going to suddenly stop being aware of it because somebody points out the ways her ASD and ADHD work in her favour. It is very easy to focus in on all of the negatives and spiral downwards, and sometimes we need help to see the 'good'. Obviously it is a problem if people are denying any negatives exist, but I have never seen this. Ultimately the goal is for her to understand where she will have problems as a result of her ND and how to deal with them, but also have an overall positive framing of herself and self-worth - "You know what? I might struggle with X Y and Z, but I know how to manage that, and I'm bloody awesome at A B and C".

I was also diagnosed as a very young girl when few girls was diagnosed and I felt shocked and crushed. I actually felt misunderstood in several ways afterwards, and I've had to figure out so much on my own. It's really rough to have an experience that differs so much from the "normal" experience of a diagnosis bringing relief etc etc.

Wish you the best❤

Thank you so much for sharing. Sorry about your son's experience. It feels like people having a negative experience with being diagnosed are often hidden or spoken over, and small moments of validation like this are so important.

Thanks, it's reassuring to hear that someone else had a similar experience to me, that I'm not alone, not that anyone should have to go through it of course. I find these threads difficult as people seem to envy my position while I would have preferred theirs.

All the best to you as well!