To get dd assessed for autism against her wishes.

[NosyNeighbour22]

My dd is 12 and I now suspect she is autistic to some degree. Although I had earlier suspicions her primary school didn’t see any issues so I left it as she seemed to be getting on ok. However since moving to secondary school her lack of social skills had become a lot more apparent and I’m worried that she will struggle.

I have never told my dd I think she is autistic, I’m not sure how to broach that with her. However she does have certain sensory issues that sometimes make her life difficult eg can’t wear tight clothing or anything cropped or short sleeved which makes it difficult for her to find clothes in shops that sell to her age range. She can’t wear her hair up as she find it uncomfortable so she has to keep it really short for school. There has recently been discussion about her school uniform changing from a hoodie to a tie and blazer which I know dd would struggle with, so I used this to broach the possibility of finding out why she is so sensitive to clothing etc and told her that if there was a proper reason for it then the school might not make her wear a tie. However she was really upset at the suggestion that there might be something ‘wrong’ with her (her words) and said she didn’t want to go to the doctors or talk to the school about it.

There are other signs socially that there is an issue but dd doesn’t see them at all so I would have to point this out to her in a very blunt way for her to understand and she would be extremely upset by it. Had anyone been through this with an older girl and can advise the best way of going about it or AIBU for making her get assessed if she doesn’t want to?

Dd not dad🤣

Realistically, it is very difficult to join the armed forces with an ASD diagnosis, even though there is no longer a blanket ban. I've also known people with ASD diagnosis be turned away from some teacher training courses- it's not a blanket ban, but ITT courses ask for health forms to be completed, and some won't accept people with ASD diagnoses.

I'm sure there are other jobs which have a health screen on entry where ASD may be viewed as a negative.

I'm not saying this is correct/acceptable BTW, but I do think it is important to remember that a diagnosis can come with downsides, as well as upsides.

Anyway, assessment will be dependent on her co-operation, so it can't be done if she doesn't consent.

Rubbish

you just don’t disclose it ! I didn’t for my job

I'm not going to get into whether she sounds autistic or not, I just want to point out that growing up as an undiagnosed neurodivergent person is seriously fucking traumatic. I would be massively surprised if any of the people saying "don't get a diagnosis in case it restricts her career choices" were neurodivergent. Being barred from joining the army is nothing compared to the shit show of (often lifelong) mental health issues that arise from being undiagnosed for decades.

It can also be beneficial as it can offer certain employment protections. So unless she wants to go into one of the very few roles that have a ban the rewards outweigh the risks in terms of employment

I work in a ver 'responsible' job. 2 people have autism

It's fine. We adapt. We are a team

Write to the school now about the possible uniform changes. Don't mention autism. Just say that you don't want her wearing a tie to school for comfort reasons, and can they please not enforce it for all girls. If you write to them before the policy changes then that's much better than afterwards

Bullshit, DH has ASD and holds DV, which is the highest level of pre employment government security vetting.

For jobs with medical clearance or vetting there will be extra checks and possible denials. Moving abroad for a grad year similar.

Bollocks. Link to evidence of grad year refusal for asd.

ND people are just as varied as NT.

Blanket bans are illegal.

OP why not ask DD to do an online quiz. Let her explore the topic for herself. Leave books about it lying around. Etc.

Don't ever make her feel like she's got something wrong with her.

It's made a real difference for me in terms of getting reasonable adjustments from pretty much everybody, and it was a requirement for my DSA application for university.

Really surprised to hear that there is "no real support" - my experience has been more that people won't entertain the support without the diagnosis.

Yep, a diagnosis will open a lot more doors than it closes

My ds is on pathway currently. Same age as your dd. We spike openly about what we thought. I've thought asd since he was a toddler. But he masked at school. He has found it beneficial. He says it explains a lot about how he is different. I think you should be open with your dd

I have ASD and was diagnosed later in life. All the signs were there when I was a child/teen but I was left to get on with it by my parents and although I have done very well in life, the mental health impact of this has been huge. I wish I wish I wish they had talked to me and that I had had some support.

I work in the military/defence sector in high security environments with a large number of neurodiverse colleagues - some openly ASD/ADHD etc, some not. It's not a big deal at all. We value the whole person and the skills they bring.

I am also a parent to two DCs with ASD and as others have said, it opens far more doors than it closes.

What worries me about your DD's response is that she is judging people with ASD/potentially herself so negatively. Maybe that is the place to start with her.

Why can’t you tell her what things you think she needs support with? I know you say you think it will be hurtful, but surely she is already aware of the issues if they are so extreme that you have noticed them.

To be honest I would be sitting her down and expressing your worries and saying you’d like to look at getting her some support. The label of ‘autism’ doesn’t really matter as the behaviours or challenges are the things that are impacting her life, and she needs support with those whether she is autistic or not.

To be fair, I was much the same at her age, 12 is exactly the sort of age where you want to fit in as much as possible.

It wasn't so much about negative judgement, as it was fear of being different. I was already suffering from being freakishly tall and not having straight hair!

I think you might be better off talking to some charities that specialise in autism, rather than mumsnet.

I will say too for my son (we couldn’t have avoided a diagnosis to be honest) it’s made a big difference. I have been able to access education and advice that help me support him, and I can see how in the past he may have been labeled the ‘weird kid’ or the ‘naughty boy’ etc, and without the proper support his behaviours could have become damaging and disruptive to others and himself, leading him to struggle in school and become isolated. But because he has the diagnosis and proper support, he is helped to access the services and education he deserves and has a right to, and can learn to interact with the world/become whatever he wants to be. I think without the diagnosis he would have so many barriers to accessing the world, but with it he can do it.

I’m diagnosed autistic and am a paramedic in the NHS, with enhanced DBS. Also passed security clearance checks for a particular specialist paramedic role and training.

Dunno about the army, but civil service actively welcomes autistic people: civilservice.blog.gov.uk/2018/03/29/supporting-young-people-with-autism-to-gain-civil-service-experience/

Very misleading, many industries that require background security checks, a diagnosis is not an issue unless medical history highlights specific considerations relating to being medically fit for a role - this threshold is no different to someone who has no formal diagnosis on their medical records.

I'm not diagnosed but wish I had been as a child. I look back at school, my work history, my social life and it is so obvious. As a woman though, we often go overlooked as we achieve through school, it's later in life where the pieces fall apart.

I think you should talk about it with her, its a different way of experiencing the world so if she is autistic it's not going to go away and she may need protection like that a diagnoses would give her.

Is there a chance you or her dad are autistic? It could be a conversation opener

That’s really tough if she doesn’t want to go through with assessment. Having been through the process recently with my daughter, I think it would be exceptionally hard if she wasn’t on board. My 14 year old has had hours of assessments, which they preferred to do alone with her and she’s also been aware and in the room sometimes when we’ve had various appointments and had to talk about her in detail. My daughter was happy to be assessed and it seems to have benefitted her greatly.

For now, I’d probably speak to your GP about your concerns and see what they advise. If you have the money, you could book an initial assessment, that your daughter doesn’t need to be part of, with a private assessment centre. They’ll be able to tell you if your concerns warrant formal assessment with no obligation to go forward with it. Ours cost about £150. At least then you’d know if it was at some point worth pursuing and possibly having that difficult conversation with your daughter about. They may say it doesn’t warrant assessment and then you can look at other things of ways of her dealing with any social awkwardness/anxiety.

Obviously reassure her that there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with her despite any difficulties she may have. Many people with autism can lead good lives, but knowing yourself well can be really helpful. And obviously education settings and workplaces are legally obliged to make adjustments.

I'm diagnosed autistic and work in government admin so clearly the banned roles aren't a reliable list.

But, back on topic, you can't force anything. You could have a look at stuff like Purple Ella, Damian Milton, Pete Wharmby, Chris Bonello to get her a sense of autism as something that isn't shameful, isn't a superpower, it just is. If you find something that might be interesting to her it might help.