To get dd assessed for autism against her wishes.

[NosyNeighbour22]

My dd is 12 and I now suspect she is autistic to some degree. Although I had earlier suspicions her primary school didn’t see any issues so I left it as she seemed to be getting on ok. However since moving to secondary school her lack of social skills had become a lot more apparent and I’m worried that she will struggle.

I have never told my dd I think she is autistic, I’m not sure how to broach that with her. However she does have certain sensory issues that sometimes make her life difficult eg can’t wear tight clothing or anything cropped or short sleeved which makes it difficult for her to find clothes in shops that sell to her age range. She can’t wear her hair up as she find it uncomfortable so she has to keep it really short for school. There has recently been discussion about her school uniform changing from a hoodie to a tie and blazer which I know dd would struggle with, so I used this to broach the possibility of finding out why she is so sensitive to clothing etc and told her that if there was a proper reason for it then the school might not make her wear a tie. However she was really upset at the suggestion that there might be something ‘wrong’ with her (her words) and said she didn’t want to go to the doctors or talk to the school about it.

There are other signs socially that there is an issue but dd doesn’t see them at all so I would have to point this out to her in a very blunt way for her to understand and she would be extremely upset by it. Had anyone been through this with an older girl and can advise the best way of going about it or AIBU for making her get assessed if she doesn’t want to?

My friends son has autism and is in the military. The lifestyle very much suits him. A family member has autism and has been a teacher for a few years. Lots of misinformation on this thread. ND threads seem to attract those who have very little knowledge.

When ds was assessed I had to sign to agree o accepted he would t be allowed to join the forces.

However from what I understand rules have changed a little because of how the military works.

Irrelevant anyway for my ds anyway and whilst I can't say what he does (he can't tell me either due to NDA) he does speak to top military officials globally and he has the potential to earn 5 times what he would earn in the military! (He's still only 18 and works as well as doing his degree)

I’m sorry, who made you sign to say your son couldn’t join the forces when he was assessed?

Lost my autistic ds does a job where he's signed an NDA and needs security clearance. Autism is not an immediate barrier to this.

Kana camhs made me sign to say I accepted that if he was diagnosed it would be a barrier to joining the forces. This was a long to,e ago now though.

Now he develops software and speaks to top military officials globally!

I would have hated to feel “different” aged 12, but at 44 there is not a day that goes by where I don’t wish i was dx as a child and grown up knowing.

As the teenage years progress, if she is autistic, she is going to feel VERY different anyway- it would be better to have a reason, support and strategies in place and built in to her own development.

My child was dx at 12 and now they are brilliant at noticing and advocating for their own needs and dealing with their own MH.

One of the most deeply damaging aspects of growing up with neurodivergence is seeing who you are through the neurotypical filter of WRONG.
You’re lazy, difficult, selfish, awkward, crazy, bad, annoying ….

One of the recurring themes from adults who discover they are neurodivergent is an enormous sense of relief, comprehension and belonging.

I think that what is needed most in this situation is for you to try and learn as much as you can about autism so that you can help her build her self esteem and confidence as she is

There is no magic cure. The only “treatment” is to accept that certain things are very difficult and work out that most of those things aren’t remotely important except as some arbitrary social construct. What she’s going to need in her life, is the ability to advocate for herself and the biggest barrier to that is shame.

What I’d suggest is that you park the idea of a diagnosis for the moment. Meet her where she’s at. Keep reminding yourself that she’s not being a difficult child; she’s a child having a difficult time. Make sure she understands that you are on her team, and see where that takes you.

DD’s partner is a very specific sort of scientist with the MOD, he’s also autistic (so is she) and was so before he joined. It caused him no problems at all and as someone else mentioned previously some sectors are actively recruiting people with autism as they can bring a very specific skill set.

An autism diagnosis can be very beneficial it brings added protection at work and DD has had a lot of accommodations at university. I’d encourage anyone who suspects it to look at a formal diagnosis, same with ADHD.

My friend heads a team of cyber security specialists for a government department and they all happen to be autistic.

I'm interested to find out how being autistic is a security threat per se? Or makes someone automatically medically ineligible for a job like nursing or teaching or being a GP etc?

Anyway, as other PP have suggested, perhaps introduce DD to appropriate social media by autistic women & girls and see if anything resonates for her? No clinician will carry out an autism assessment on someone with the capacity to decline consent.

What are you hoping to achieve by getting her labelled? I don’t understand what benefit she will get, besides a bash to her self esteem and the associated stigma of “being different” 🤨

You might want to look into wait times for NHS assessments in your area - having just started this process for DD, I've been advised it's a 2 year wait!

I could have wrote this myself with my 10 year old daughter, 11 in March. High school In 2024. She has all the same signs as your child. Social skills she’s struggling, I’m seeing it more as she gets older. I don’t know who to approach with it all. The teachers don’t see an issue with her. But she masks things at school and just smiles when she’s uncomfortable. I’m starting to dread her going to high school.

Yes I’m autistic. Having a diagnosis is helpful but only if you recognise you’re autistic. You can’t assess or diagnose a 12 year old if they don’t want to be assessed.

One of my DDs was diagnosed at 13 after her brother was diagnosed.

DD is very different from her brother but when reading about ASD could see the signs in her and DH too. We started the diagnosis process in case she started to struggle at school.

DD didn’t want to talk about her diagnosis and at 17 it’s still not something we talk about but her brother is very open with his multiple diagnosis.
At the moment DD doesn’t need the diagnosis and I don’t think it’s improved her life in anyway - if your DD is open to it then leave it for now.

How odd. Thankfully that’s obviously changed since then, I did not have to sign any paperwork of acceptance that my son couldn’t join the forces.

I think the key to this is her emphasis on there being something ‘wrong’. It’s not really that at all, it’s that the word is setup to help a certain type of person/thinker get ahead and if your brain works differently it’s much harder. Knowing that you think differently and developing strategies to help is valuable. And a diagnosis can be valuable in getting around rules that make your life more difficult than other people.

I think I would want her assessed tbh.

You'd probably avenge a lot by educating yourself about autism and neuro divergence.

I'll give you lesson 1 for free.

A medical diagnosis isn't a label.

If she hasn't already realized that she is 'different', she almost certainly will during the awkward teenage years, and a diagnosis can help a child to understand and cope with that. Far from bashing her self esteem, having a label that explains what is behind her differences, and hopefully having access to coping mechanisms, could be a hugely important thing that will benefit her for the rest of her life.

I am saying this as a mature person (early sixties) who went through hell as a teenager and has only gradually realized over the last twenty-five years that I am almost certainly autistic. Believe me, the only thing about this realization that upsets me is that I didn't know about it a lot sooner.

She can't be assessed without her consent....the rest of this thread is completely irrelevant.

If she’s struggling at school you don’t ‘need’ a diagnosis to ask for reasonable adjustments to be made but it does help. Would getting some books written by a young autistic author help her? My DD really liked reading the books by Libby Scott as she related a-lot to the main character. It’s helped her to then talk about the things socially she struggles with not necessarily “autism” per sa but it is this that is at the route of why she finds understanding people so hard.

Do you have much experience with autism?

Would you say that to a person with a physical disability?

It's not a label. My diagnosis helped me understand myself. It also meant I could ask for adjustments. (Although I remember one person refusing because "it can't be that bad if you've just been diagnosed"
. We'll just ignore the years of self harm and depression)

Quite. I was only diagnosed in my thirties, but I'd been experiencing the stigma of being different from a very early age...

The odd thing about stigma is that it doesn't require a label, just the existence of a difference.

There are no biological markers for autism, so umm yeah it is a social construct, and society has given a label for behaviour that deviates from the norm.

My 12 year old is autistic. His life was horrible before he was diagnosed. No understanding or awareness. Bullied for being different, weird etc. out of school with severe mental health and self harming due to not understanding who he was.

Now he's at a different school with total understanding of himself, autism and significantly improved mental health. His mates are all autistic and he surrounds himself with an autism community of people who are either autistic or really, properly understand autism. He sees neurotypical people and the way they behave as a bit odd now 🤣.

The days of labelling / no support / no understanding / feeling like an oddball with a label are in the dark ages. An employee with a diagnosis and self understanding is likely to do far better (and be protected legally) that one trying desperately to mask and hide their true self.