To get dd assessed for autism against her wishes.

[NosyNeighbour22]

My dd is 12 and I now suspect she is autistic to some degree. Although I had earlier suspicions her primary school didn’t see any issues so I left it as she seemed to be getting on ok. However since moving to secondary school her lack of social skills had become a lot more apparent and I’m worried that she will struggle.

I have never told my dd I think she is autistic, I’m not sure how to broach that with her. However she does have certain sensory issues that sometimes make her life difficult eg can’t wear tight clothing or anything cropped or short sleeved which makes it difficult for her to find clothes in shops that sell to her age range. She can’t wear her hair up as she find it uncomfortable so she has to keep it really short for school. There has recently been discussion about her school uniform changing from a hoodie to a tie and blazer which I know dd would struggle with, so I used this to broach the possibility of finding out why she is so sensitive to clothing etc and told her that if there was a proper reason for it then the school might not make her wear a tie. However she was really upset at the suggestion that there might be something ‘wrong’ with her (her words) and said she didn’t want to go to the doctors or talk to the school about it.

There are other signs socially that there is an issue but dd doesn’t see them at all so I would have to point this out to her in a very blunt way for her to understand and she would be extremely upset by it. Had anyone been through this with an older girl and can advise the best way of going about it or AIBU for making her get assessed if she doesn’t want to?

Because actually at 12 she is able to give consent to be assessed. If she doesn't want to, she cannot be forced.

There are no biological markers for autism, so umm yeah it is a social construct, and society has given a label for behaviour that deviates from the norm

I don't think it's just socially construct. I do believe Autism has some genetic/biological markers. There already is some evidence of genetic markers that are presented in some Autistic individuals. Look at the Genome project. I'll give it another 50 years scientists to discover the genetic hallmarks of Autism.

I was diagnosed as a teen and wish it had never happened. I wished I would wake up and it was just a bad dream so often. I wish I had been allowed to wait until I was ready to make my own decision to pursue it.

I haven't read the whole thread - I'm sorry, I know I should.

My dd was diagnosed this year, the day before her 13th birthday, She flew through primary school - 'thrived' as the school put it, multiple awards at prize giving, popular, etc - it was all masking.

The transition to secondary school really threw her difficulties into the light - it was much harder for her to mask and copy, she was ostracised and called a 'stalker'. She became suicidal.

Diagnosis has made the most enormous difference - alongside the right therapy (ASD specialist is crucial - CBT doesn't work) and medication (propanolol). We have also pulled her out of school and she is doing very well home schooling.

Google Holly Smale (Geek Girl author) - she has done a lot of radio recently.

I have been drinking and this whole topic is highly charged for me - it's been a tough year - so sorry if not particularly coherent. Pm me if you'd like to discuss more.

I have very recently name changed after a long stint with one username - I've posted about dd under the previous username. And about my own struggles.

They’d then be rejected regardless of a diagnosis, as the behaviours don’t disappear without one.

With all due respect OP. You going to the GP/school and asking her to be assessed for Autism does not mean she will get assessed within the next month or so (unless you go private). It is a long waiting list averaging from 6months to two years. For the time being anyway, it is worth your DD being put on the waiting list now and you can revisit the assessment nearer the time.

I totally understand why you want to get her assessed - to support her needs now and as she moves through life.

I also understand your daughter’s apprehensions.

I don’t think YABU but if you ‘force’ her this could impact your relationship with her now, or later, if she resents you. Have the conversation with her, leave that communication open and regularly check in on her.

Good luck to you both.

Some of that evidence is linked into the fact people with cerebral palsy - for example - often also have autism or other neuro divergence as a co morbid diagnosis.

So they know that damage to the brain can cause those behaviours as it's about the neuro pathways - hence the neuro divergence.

My ds has another neuromuscular disorder - hereditary spastic paraplegia - which is much rarer and also has an autism diagnosis. (He's very stereotypical high functioning as people call it).

His condition is also a cousin to MND.

So everything has a crossover somewhere and somehow I think - and absolutely agree with you they'll find out much more in the decades to come.

Never knew so many people had high hopes for their kids to get in to the military 😂

Bloody hell - YES!

Reading some of the responses on here makes me realise how utterly socialised we are to think that life follows a very specific path and any diversion off that path is BAD. How sad.

There are plenty of extremely successful people who are autistic - openly or not. And plenty of people in the past who almost certainly were.

Society is set up for NT people, which is why ND find it hard - society itself is a construct. There are many valid paths to follow.

No one will do an autism assessment without her consent.

@Athenen0ctua You can demand they remove the diagnosis if you wish. I knew somebody who disagreed with it and had it removed from her medical records.

Thats simply untrue. Indeed its thought to be an advantage in some areas of the military.

Read most of thread but have missed a couple of pages out, so sorry if someone has said similarly already:

You need to have open conversations with her about autism. Little positive comments (start with Greta this last week and her sense of humour!) and often, but make it an acceptable topic to discuss and be very honest with her that you think she might be autistic. Explain that you can't know for sure, as she'd need to be assessed to know for sure. There are stacks of youtube animations about neurodivergence and other positive things explaining "different not less", what 'normal' even means etc. You can explain that the waiting list is very long and you'd like to put her name on it so that she can decide later whether to proceed, when and if she ever gets to the top of the list but that ultimately it is up to her.

My dd declined my suggestion of an assessment at a similar age. I'm autistic and she'd only seen the negatives of it (e.g. her and her siblings being registered as Young Carers and having a social worker, because of my related poor mental health). About 18 months later, she asked if she could now be assessed as she suddenly wanted to know whether she really was or not. She'd realised that her closest friends were almost all probably neurodivergent in some way too and instead of being negative about it, realised it was part of her identity and understanding her neurotype for sure would help her know how to approach things and what to focus on to learn more about herself. She is now a young adult and considers herself 'au-some', is completely and enthusiastically following her special interests into a career and is a happy, confident young lady who knows what works for her and what definitely doesn't. I'd therefore recommend having those conversations and keeping the opportunity open for your daughter to decide if and when she is ready.

p.s. You can't legitimately lie on a health form for a job if you have a clinical diagnosis (or you can be summarily dismissed if your employer finds out) but many jobs don't even involve such forms anyway. Also, while declaring the diagnosis might result in occupational health referrals, OH people are generally quite helpful for getting reasonable adjustments in place at work; and there is then Equality Act protection (in theory - some workplaces are better at this than others, of course). I've heard mutterings on social media about difficulties with immigration to New Zealand (possibly?!) if you want citizenship there and have a diagnosis but don't know how true it is or whether it is even current information anymore. The Police in the UK have a specific autism group to promote recruitment of autistic staff and support them. I declare our diagnoses on travel insurance and have to answer a couple of extra questions (things like have you ever had to come back from holiday early) but the premium has not increased at all by adding it. There was a bit of drama with the DVLA and wording of whether you have to disclose to them a few years ago but it was just conflicting badly-worded nonsense from the DVLA and they clarified quite quickly that as long as it doesn't affect driving ability, no disclosure is needed to them.

Most of my social circle are teachers and several have ASD. Its very much seen as a positive due to their skills set, certainly not discouraged from teacher training.

And of course any rejection due to ASD in teaching or other professions is illegal.

Your quote is 9 years out of date.

They actively recruit individuals with ASD now.

Hi OP, I wouldn't necessarily bring up all the ways your daughter is different now. She will definitely start realising on her own as she goes through puberty. If you bring it up now, for the rest of her life, she may partially attribute those differences to you "labelling" her as different and her internalising it.

What I would do is to expose her to positive examples of ASD (subtly and without foisting any agenda on her – could do this as part of wider conversation about racial, physical, etc diversity, which is a positive conversation to have anyway).

When I was diagnosed with ADHD (which, granted, isn't quite the same as ASD) as an adult, I felt sorrow, regret and anger that I hadn't been diagnosed earlier. But then looking at my siblings who were diagnosed with ADHD as kids as they presented very obviously – they think this "label" damaged their childhood and self-esteem permanently.

2 differences between their childhood diagnoses and my adult diagnosis: (1) I realised on my own the difficulties I was facing, and hence appreciated help/accommodations I was getting, instead of viewing them as being unsolicitedly thrust upon me and marking me out as different. (2) In the intervening years, the world embraced neurodiversity more, and I was exposed to positive examples and strengths of ADHD even before I knew I had ADHD (so was able to "absorb" these on a neutral slate rather than think "well you would say that to make me feel better about myself").

In your daughter's case the dilemma isn't as extreme as getting diagnosed at 12 vs as an adult; maybe give it a few more years, open her mindset to positive neurodiversity examples (without referencing her) in the meantime.

please google infant reflexes not going dormant as well as inattentive ADHD as you have also described traits of these.
You need her school to agree to an assessment as they have to complete forms. I would ask school to monitor her and if they suggest she should get assessed you would be able to say it came from them not you.

My adult child was diagnosed as a teenager. It didn't stop him getting into med school I dont think anybody cares if the person stopping them bleeding out has an ASD diagnosis. There are jobs in the scientific community where it is almost expected.

You say she hasn't recognised the social differences herself, does she ever talk to you about feeling like she doesn't fit in, finding social situations confusing, not understanding what's going on among her friends? My DD, 10 currently, actively wanted the assessments and was hoping for a diagnosis because she wanted to know why she felt different to her friends. She's been hyper aware and feeling different since she was about 7. Her brothers are all Autistic, so it was already on her radar. We always talk in terms of ND brains working in a different way. A diagnosis doesn't change who you are, you're either ND or not. Knowing, having that recognition, understanding who you are can help make life easier.

Rubbish. My son has an ASD diagnosis. He also has a 1st class degree, a 60K job and a mortgage. The only negative implication the diagnosis has had is being declared as a pre-existing medical condition on his travel insurance. What it did get him as a child was a statement so he could access the specialist education provision which has enabled him to have the life he has now.

It wouldn't be fair to do this without her consent, and I'm expecting if she doesn't want to be assessed she wouldn't comply with the assessments any way. If you are looking at going through the NHS she would likely be 15 by the time she's diagnosed.
She is the most important person within this and if she doesn't want to have a diagnosis it's her right to refuse this process.

Instead of seeking a diagnosis for autism how about being objective about your observations of her behaviour and seek support for those specific issues.

Even when a person has been diagnosed with autism it is not because they went to a doctor and said: ‘I think I have or my child has autism, please assess me/them for it.’

It doesn’t work that way. Assessment involves a doctor or paediatrician looking at all the objective facts without bias and making a diagnosis based on a criteria.

You can't force her to have an assessment. You can support her if she feels she needs an assessment when older.

I am very surprised by some of the comments on here. I have DC in their mid twenties with autism and it has never been a barrier to their employment. They have always declared it as it would be difficult for them not to. They have worked in a variety of settings including schools. One works in a role with a high level of security clearance which is very complex.

i would buy her all the libby Scott and Rebecca Westcott books about Tally a girl going through an autism diagnosis. They are excellent really well written. It was reading them together my daughter said “she’s just like me!” And we went on to get her diagnosis a few months ago. The books are so great she sees this as a special quality and not a hindrance. It’s been so much better for us getting the diagnosis as things where she is being super literal and getting into screaming matches we can now see where she hasn’t understood whereas before we didn’t. School have been great too and put lots in place to support her. We have a reasonable adjustments to uniform written into her education health and care plan. Shirt and blazer is next year and I’m dreading it tbh but hoping she can wear her PE kit on bad days.
read the books so it’s distanced you can talk about tally and how she feels not about your daughter directly and see where you get.