To not pay for a dog my mum has found on preloved

[StarDolphins]

I’ll start by saying my mum loves animals & has always really looked after their needs 100%. She would starve to feed them etc.

However, she’s a 77yo hoarder who is bound to 1 room (only moves from the bed to the commode 1m away). She’s had 2 strokes, heart bypass, diabetes & COPD amongst others.

she has 1 dog left out of 5 so I said when she goes, I will take existing dog if he outlived her as she got him before she was immobile. This poor dog is fat (loved, but far too unhealthy) she has a dog walker everyday.

My Ainu - she’s text me to ask me to pay for a dog off preloved out of her money. This dog is 2.5 hours away but no mention of how she will get it. She’s bombarding me now asking me to reply/pay.

would I be unreasonable to find’ an excuse not to do this?, I feel so heartbroken for this dog, I have a dog so I can only commit to taking 2 when my Mum dies & this poor dog will have such a boring life in that horrible house. Loving it won’t be enough & I feel so stressed & upset. I want to go absolutely mad but she will say it’s her money etc & the dog will be loved!

I need to get her to control her money first, then I can say this or at least distance myself & let the carers/SW deal with her/the welfare of the dog & I would anonymously report to RSPCA if I did.

Sorry you’re going through it too, it’s so tiring & stressful. Your MIL sounds exactly like my mum. Why in earth don’t they think of these poor dogs. My mum is meant to be an animal lover but she’s not thinking of this poor dog. Surrounding herself with pets, even though she can’t adequately look after them is like a drug.

As someone who works in a vets, and in a crippling ownership crisis, particularly those who think they aren’t responsible for getting transport to and from the vets for anything (including emergencies) PLEASE do not get an immobile person a dog unless you are 100% committed to helping transport this dog whenever needed.
I had EIGHT emergency call Monday night that NEEDED to be seen and only one could drive. Two died. It’s wearing thin.

Oh gosh that’s awful, how upsetting☹️

I would transport her existing dog as she got him before becoming Immobile but I resent being on call to take pets to vets when it’s irresponsible to get the pet in the first place.

You don't need to "get her to control her money", it would be more running around fruitlessly while she gets into an even greater muddle, with endless calls on you. You need to make sure she has it back and straight after the Bank Holiday contact Social Services, tell them exactly what's happened and what you are doing and what the difficulties around her not have a bank account will likely be. Make it very clear that you will not take further responsibility under any circumstances and that they will need to find a solution whereby they manage it/enable her to manage it (however poorly) It happens.

You will probably think "oh I can't do that" but actually, you can. If you choose not to, it's on you.

She has capacity so she will only get an appointee from SS if/when she no longer has capacity but you’re right, I need to pass it to them to support her to get a bank account. I know this is the solution but it’s going to cause a war & a whole lot of stress to me when it’s completely unnecessary. I do agree though.

Just out of curiosity, what's wrong with preloved?

Is the dog chipped? Or Nicked? Ask for the chip details so you can check out the registered owner. That's beside the point TBH... you've already had the answer you need.

Thing is, if I start checking this dog out then I’m showing interest in her head & we’re doing it together. I want nothing to do with it, I don’t want any involvement whatsoever. I don’t want to take it to the vets, badger her to get pet insurance, I just don’t want to know about it.

@WineAndDontDine preloved imo is full of dogs being sold with health/behaviour problems that they want to offload, puppy farm dogs with health problems etc, & just awful people wanting money for animals whatever the state of the animal might be. Might be some that aren’t the above of course but I would always choose a rescue centre.

Yes, from what you've said it does sound like she's got capacity but they can still support or at least monitor and be there to sort the ensuing muddles out. They need to know what's happening first though. Reluctant as I am in many ways to add to some benighted SWs workload, they have the distance and dispassion to handle this in a very different way to you and I seriously think it is the only way you can step back from this.

As far as a war goes, it sound like you are very stressed already so would it really be any worse?

I’m late to the thread- if your mum is planning on driving again has she been renewing her driving licence? www.gov.uk/renew-driving-licence-at-70

CPL talks sense.
You say your mum has capacity but the thing with mental capacity is that it can vary dependent on each situation, so for instance she may have capacity to manage her finances or health choices, but she may lack the capacity to fully understand what is required re: looking after a dog.
If she can't understand that she won't be able to provide for the dogs needs adequately then she may actually lack capacity (rather than just making an unwise decision, which is her right).

She really needs to be reassessed by her SW ASAP and in your situation, I'd back out of handling her money as she could accuse you of financial abuse.

I've not RTFT just the OPs

Poor dog , 5yo , not neutered and they want a "Special Home"

Likely an ex-breeder . So many adverts for "this little lady deserves a 5* retirement home" away from an owner that has likely bred them till their uterus is hanging out . When they stop being breedable they aren't earning.
They should be giving the 5* star home .
Poor dog

Still a hard NO though

Social care are in a terrible state. I used to work with advocates in the care system and they said that due to a backlog of cases with the local authority there were people in care homes who couldn't even buy appropriate clothing due to being unable to access their money. So they won't drop everything to open a bank account for a lady trying to buy a dog.

They certainly won't drop everything to enable her to buy the dog, but if OP point blank refuses to handle her mother's money they will become involved. She's in the system already as she has carers, which the LA will be funding if she has 6K in savings. Unfortunately, situations such as this are very far from rare.

She needs to be removed from her uninhabitable house, which should be cleared and sold to pay for residential care where she can be protected from scams.

It’s a council bungalow so nothing to sell & I’ve lost count of the times I’ve arranged assessments (MH & capacity) I’m weary, they all come back with the same - she has full capacity but ‘recognise’ she’s accentric & a hoarder. They then tell me to contact hoarders U.K. SS also always say the same thing.

Hoarders U.K. then give suggestions of going really slowly with her, involving her in everything & trying to coax her to get rid of stuff but not to upset her. I used to do this up until 2 years ago but now I’m tired of gong there every week with no improvement. I know it’s wrong & not advised but I secretly chuck stuff away but it’s futile as I don’t even scratch the surface. I’ve just given a car load of dog food to charity from subscriptions of dog food that she’s not stopped so that’s made a bit of room.

She’s sulking now & tbh, it’s nice to not have her texting.

I’ll start by saying my mum loves animals & has always really looked after their needs 100%. She would starve to feed them etc.

Sadly, this is not true.
Maybe she used to look after her dogs properly, but she is unable to now.
You need to tell her this. Spell it out clearly, so that she doesn't contact somebody else to go & buy another dog for her.

Animal hoarders very much love their animals but are incapble of understanding when they are harming them.

If she gets the dog report her to the RSPCA, they understand it. My dad (a farmer) sometimes works with the RSPCA dealing with the aftermath. The worst ones are people that "love animals" and create "rescue" centres. He can still vividly recall the woman who "rescued sheep" and the state they were living in.

Animal hoarders have to be dealt with harshly, animals are living things not possessions to be piled up and hoarded.

I’ve text her making my position 100% clear. Which she will massively flip over & she will ignore me & call me to high heaven because I e dared to disagree. I feel better though.

I’ve also emailed her SW to ask for her to call me about it when she’s back in.

I have explained to her all the consequences of another dog just before Christmas & I even said I won’t be taking 2 dogs when she dies (only the elderly existing one). She has an answer for everything (& if she doesn’t, she just doesn’t answer) & history tells me, when she’s hell bent on something, she always finds a way. I’m so raging & upset. But not surprised- this sort of mad behaviour has been going on for years.

Your answer is no. You do not need to explain or rationalise. It is "no, you are not in a position to look after another dog so I will not be facilitating that."

Repeat as often as needed.

I’m sure I saw the case online of that lady with the sheep, dead ones lying about in amongst the ones in terrible condition if it’s the same case.

She’s bought dogs off drug addicts in Mcr city, she’s bought them everywhere, taken in stray & tell me she’s ‘saved’ them. There’s no limit on how many she would ‘save’ & there’s always room at the inn.

i am 100% sticking to my position on this with her. I’ve told her she’s cruel
& irresponsible.

What did you say and has she replied?

No reply yet as she stays up until 3am so won’t wake until 1pm & usually texts late afternoon. This is what I put…

Just to make my position clear, I won't be having any involvement whatsoever if you get this dog, it's totally irresponsible & cruel on the dog & me. I won't be taking to vets, cleaning up after it, nothing AT ALL. It's not house trained, it's ex breeding dog so won't be used to people & its even pictured with a puppy pad. You 100% can't look after it or train the poor thing.
A 77 year old in good health getting it would be terrible but you can't walk, clean, feed or take it to the vets. Just letting you know just incase you thought I would help. I absolutely won’t.