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AIBU?

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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
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9
CuriousMama · 31/12/2022 16:38

Nah he's stingy sorry. Cast your net wider

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:38

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 31/12/2022 16:33

Well she constantly changed her mind for a start.

And she's hosting but forgot the puddings altogether and outsourced it to someone who randomly asked.

Show quote history

FFS it's a family meal, not an audience with the Pope.

She's also said she's got a few bits in & can make-do about puddings. Since when is it a sin to have a simple idea to occur to you about somebody being able to pick up some easy puddings, & ask them for that help?

bonzaitree · 31/12/2022 16:38

Also how is it hard to buy a few cakes and some cream in a supermarket. It’s a 2 mins job and relatively cheap. Don’t get it!

RedHelenB · 31/12/2022 16:38

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

This. I'm not sure I'd have known what to get if I didn't know the people at dinner.

hmmmintereting · 31/12/2022 16:39

Eww just saw that he took the £1.50.

Isittimeformynapyet · 31/12/2022 16:39

He's probably arrived by now. Maybe OP can't update us. Let's hope they're having one of those "interesting conversations" they enjoy

amicissimma · 31/12/2022 16:39

Don't people who've reached adulthood have a sort of list tucked away in a corner of their brains for this sort of scenario. Ie if I'm asked to bring dessert I get ..., or if they ask for salad I get ...? Anything but ask a second time when told nothing is required (It's not polite, it's annoying. Just accept the first reply from a busy host.) and then start bargaining. Organising a dinner is enough without having to make other people's food choices for them.

I'd respond along the lines of 'As I said, I don't need you to bring anything but your preferred drink, but if you really want to, a/some dessert of your choice would be most helpful.'

birder · 31/12/2022 16:40

So....you had your purse out paying for the coffees OP? For both of you or all three of you?

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 16:40

I too hope its Muller Corners, the really naff ones with the chocolate balls.

Headabovetheparakeet · 31/12/2022 16:41

amicissimma · 31/12/2022 16:39

Don't people who've reached adulthood have a sort of list tucked away in a corner of their brains for this sort of scenario. Ie if I'm asked to bring dessert I get ..., or if they ask for salad I get ...? Anything but ask a second time when told nothing is required (It's not polite, it's annoying. Just accept the first reply from a busy host.) and then start bargaining. Organising a dinner is enough without having to make other people's food choices for them.

I'd respond along the lines of 'As I said, I don't need you to bring anything but your preferred drink, but if you really want to, a/some dessert of your choice would be most helpful.'

Yes! I'm assuming he's not a 22 year old who has never been to a dinner party so this should not be a big deal.

BadNomad · 31/12/2022 16:41

You made him responsible for dessert for 8 people he doesn't know! What if some of them don't like chocolate, or don't like cold desserts, or can't stand coconut etc. He probably wants to make a good impression with your family, so I do think it actually was a big ask for him to potentially disappoint some people with dessert.

I'm guessing he wanted you to be specific. To tell him exactly what to get, so he wouldn't mess it up.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 16:43

Just saw the bit about the £1.50.. Seriously invoice him for the meal tonight op.
Then dump his tight arse.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:44

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 16:40

I too hope its Muller Corners, the really naff ones with the chocolate balls.

No - assorted multipack (can include chocolate salty balls) - with a family feud breaking out over who gets which flavour ... all coming to a horrified halt when New Man gets his Spar receipt out & demands payment.

TwoMonthsOff · 31/12/2022 16:44

OP already said they weren’t fussy about what desert he chose

Onnabugeisha · 31/12/2022 16:45

TwoMonthsOff · 31/12/2022 16:44

OP already said they weren’t fussy about what desert he chose

Sorry but I don’t know any 9 people who all like the same dessert 🤷‍♀️
This was a fob off answer.

SkylightSkylight · 31/12/2022 16:45

PinkyU · 31/12/2022 15:20

He didn’t ask twice.

He asked once if he could bring anything for the meal. You said “no”.

He then asked, in a shop, whilst on the way if you needed anything picked up.

It’s two different asks.

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@PinkyU tgats my take on it too.

@sleeplessinsouthhampton you know him, we don't, so maybe he's stingy, maybe he's not.

however, I'm usually 'him'. Firstly I can't believe how grumpy you are about him texting you twice in a day. He may have met all your kids individually, but being invited to a big family meal as a partner for the first time is quite a big deal. He just wants to get it right.

in his position I'd have meant 'Donyou want me to pick up anything you've forgotten or coukd just do with more of' (like cream, butter, crackers).

not being designated an entire course of the meal for 'us' plus 7 people I barely know. I'd be concerned about 'getting it right' not the cost.

frankly you're not making tonight easy for the poor bloke on top of not spending any time with him over Christmas. There's slow & there's coming across as not wanting to be in a relationship with him.

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 16:46

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:44

No - assorted multipack (can include chocolate salty balls) - with a family feud breaking out over who gets which flavour ... all coming to a horrified halt when New Man gets his Spar receipt out & demands payment.

Show quote history

Im loving that idea

It could only be bettered if they were yellow stickered and down in price because they go off tonight!!!

TwoMonthsOff · 31/12/2022 16:47

@bellac11 🤣🤣

EarthlyNightshade · 31/12/2022 16:49

I would also interpret as not knowing what desserts to get for 9 people, 7 of whom he doesn't know well. I would be worried someone was vegan, gluten free, etc. I guess I would ring you.
If you think he is stingy then that's a different story.

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 31/12/2022 16:49

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:38

FFS it's a family meal, not an audience with the Pope.

She's also said she's got a few bits in & can make-do about puddings. Since when is it a sin to have a simple idea to occur to you about somebody being able to pick up some easy puddings, & ask them for that help?

Show quote history

I didn't say it was a sin.
I said it was flaky.
It is flaky.
I'd be cross if my husband decided to change his mind on me after specifically being asked and him saying don't worry. I'd probably roll my eyes though rather than turn it into a drama.

All sounds like high drama and hard work to me.
Id also make less effort for the pope than my partner's family.

Nudity · 31/12/2022 16:51

How old is this stingy potential cock lodger?

The £1.50 would have been “cya” for me. I’m not even gonna comment about the “your house is 4 times bigger than mine”.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 31/12/2022 16:51

Frubes come in a 9 pack. No bowl /spoon needed! Less washing up!

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:52

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 31/12/2022 16:49

I didn't say it was a sin.
I said it was flaky.
It is flaky.
I'd be cross if my husband decided to change his mind on me after specifically being asked and him saying don't worry. I'd probably roll my eyes though rather than turn it into a drama.

All sounds like high drama and hard work to me.
Id also make less effort for the pope than my partner's family.

Show quote history

😂I had that Pope round. Asked him to bring crackers, the stingy fucker fobbed me off with a load of stale communion wafers. Never again.

BadNomad · 31/12/2022 16:53

TwoMonthsOff · 31/12/2022 16:44

OP already said they weren’t fussy about what desert he chose

Yeah, but she doesn't think they're fussy because she knows them. I'm not fussy either, but if someone served me a kangaroo's testicle, I ain't eating it.

HotChoxs · 31/12/2022 16:54

OP continues to post/respond here instead of make a 2 minute phonecall to ask him to bring cheesecake.

What's wrong with you OP? I wouldn't want to go out with someone who comes and posts on a forum instead of calling me.