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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
KatherineJaneway · 31/12/2022 16:25

he has shown a few hints of being abit stingey before

I could not date a man who was tight with money. The 'joke' about the booking fee would turn me right off.

Headabovetheparakeet · 31/12/2022 16:26

After all this, if he didn't turn up with at least one dessert and a decent bottle of wine then that would be the end for me. I can't stand stinginess, even if it is dressed up as haplessness.

Stravaig · 31/12/2022 16:27

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:21

Source dessert! 😂

He's not being sent down the sugar mines.
He can nip into Spar & get a few tubs of ice cream ffs.

Show quote history

Me please! I want to go to the sugar mines 🙋‍♀️⛏️
So pretty so sweet crystals everywhere I promise no licking 😇🤣

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 31/12/2022 16:27

I assume he text when he was at or going to the shop and your reassurance meant he didn't get anything.
He then left the shop and that's when your request came through, I'd be pretty annoyed as I'd then have to specifically go to the shop again, wasting my time, petrol and money.

Next time either have a phone call or stick to what you say at first.

Perhaps he is a skinflint but you are flaky as fuck.

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 16:28

Id be pissed off at you OP if you did this

For me its not about the money, its that faced with finding pudding for 9 people that I actually dont know that well (or at all in terms of food preferences), not wanting to get it wrong in front of your kids and their partners

You should have just said no, we dont need anything but bring some drinkies if you want.

saraclara · 31/12/2022 16:28

“Will a couple of frozen cheesecakes do?”
”yes.”

Which is probably how the conversation would have gone, had they actually, y'know, spoken to each other. Because phones have that feature where you can actually call each other and communicate properly in a fraction of the time it takes to message back and forth, and you can use tone of voice to make it clear what you're thinking.

Jeeeze.

Wetblanket78 · 31/12/2022 16:28

I've got a black forest gateu ordered in my Tesco order. Only £2 something a couple of them would do 9 and have some leftover.

TwoMonthsOff · 31/12/2022 16:28

he was fretting about £1.50 the whole time and looking for an opportunity to ask for it with absolutely no self awareness at all. Uuuuuugh horrible, petty minded tight wad
I would have dumped then and there, why do people tolerate this

adriftabroad · 31/12/2022 16:29

misslucy92 · 31/12/2022 16:24

Do you even like him, OP?

It doesn’t seem like it. I understand being busy but normally when you’re in love being together is a treat not a chore.

You‘ve known him for nine months which isn’t that short yet you aren’t even giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Asking Someone to bring desserts for nine people on such short notice is sort of rude. You could’ve told him the first time he asked. The second time he was likely just checking in because he thought that you may have forgotten some butter or something random and he could’ve picked it up.

You‘re in the wrong here and if you feel so upset towards him because of such a minor issue maybe let him go and break up so that he can find someone a bit kinder.

He was probably stressed because many things are sold out now.

Agree with this.

He must feel intimidated also, sounds like many family members he has never met.

PriamFarrl · 31/12/2022 16:29

I’m with him to a degree. After being told that dinner is sorted I would message from the supermarket and expect to be told ‘a tub of cream and some extra snacks’ or such like. Not pudding for 9.

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 31/12/2022 16:31

Poor guy has got 500 mumsnetters waiting with bated breath to judge him on his contributions.
Kind of hoping he turns up with a multipack of Muller Corners 😁

In all seriousness, I would hope any dinner guest in the romantic category wanting to impress would turn up with decent champagne and chocolates without being asked.

Thedaysthatremain · 31/12/2022 16:31

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 16:28

Id be pissed off at you OP if you did this

For me its not about the money, its that faced with finding pudding for 9 people that I actually dont know that well (or at all in terms of food preferences), not wanting to get it wrong in front of your kids and their partners

You should have just said no, we dont need anything but bring some drinkies if you want.

Why would you asking you just wanted her to say no? (They had already had a conversation about drinks)

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:31

Perhaps he is a skinflint but you are flaky as fuck.

Hardly! 😂
She's cooking a feast for 9 people, prepping her house inbetween family visits & caring responsibilities, & has asked her b/f if he'd kindly pick up some puddings. WTF is flaky about that?

SilverPeacock · 31/12/2022 16:31

It is a big ask at the last minute for people you don’t know that well and I would be pissed off if I was him. If someone brought cheesecake to my house for instance nobody would eat them because we all think they are disgusting.

butterfliedtwo · 31/12/2022 16:31

Keyansier · 31/12/2022 15:04

I'd be a bit annoyed if I had asked to bring something and was told no, or maybe a few drinks, and then decided to check again out of politeness and was asked to source dessert for 9 people. I mean personally I wouldn't have asked after the first time, so it's his own fault really, but I wouldn't be pleased at that being sprung on me last minute.

Agree. Ø

Headabovetheparakeet · 31/12/2022 16:32

You should have just said no, we dont need anything but bring some drinkies if you want.

Drinkies? That would definitely be the end for me.

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 31/12/2022 16:33

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:31

Perhaps he is a skinflint but you are flaky as fuck.

Hardly! 😂
She's cooking a feast for 9 people, prepping her house inbetween family visits & caring responsibilities, & has asked her b/f if he'd kindly pick up some puddings. WTF is flaky about that?

Well she constantly changed her mind for a start.

And she's hosting but forgot the puddings altogether and outsourced it to someone who randomly asked.

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:34

adriftabroad · 31/12/2022 16:29

Agree with this.

He must feel intimidated also, sounds like many family members he has never met.

Show quote history

He's met all of them. OP said so in her first post.

If he's stressed by the thought of walking into a shop & picking up some ready made puddings, he's probably not the right man for multi-tasking, upfront OP.

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 16:34

Headabovetheparakeet · 31/12/2022 16:32

You should have just said no, we dont need anything but bring some drinkies if you want.

Drinkies? That would definitely be the end for me.

Agreed. I dont even know why I wrote that!!!!

KettrickenSmiled · 31/12/2022 16:35

Kind of hoping he turns up with a multipack of Muller Corners

Oh pleeeeeease ...

Headabovetheparakeet · 31/12/2022 16:35

@bellac11 😆

billy1966 · 31/12/2022 16:35

He sounds like a wet drip.

A tight one too.

The £1.50 would be enough for most women.

Your gut is holding you back with reason OP.

Listen to it.

bonzaitree · 31/12/2022 16:36

Test his stinginess a bit and see what comes of it.

I can’t bear stinginess- £1.50!! Come on!

Also the comments about your house…🚩🚩🚩

Maybe you have a bigger house because you have 4 kids? Has that occurred to him?

Sounds like he has a chip on his shoulder tbh.

hmmmintereting · 31/12/2022 16:36

Doesn't really sound like he was after the 1.50. I assume you didn't pay it?

That aside, if someone had asked me to sort out a whole course when I was literally on my way I'd completely panic. He doesn't really know anyone, doesn't know tastes or allergies etc, and would probably want to get it right.

Look forward to hearing what he came with :)

bellac11 · 31/12/2022 16:37

Thedaysthatremain · 31/12/2022 16:31

Why would you asking you just wanted her to say no? (They had already had a conversation about drinks)

Show quote history

Its social communication, its what people do, but I wouldnt expect to be finding virtually half the meal (the dessert section, particularly in my case as I dont eat dessert and wouldnt have a clue what people like or eat). I might expect someone to say, oh we need some more lemons or whatnot

Ive read OPs update about the £1.50 shenanigans and perhaps its that, but my view would be that OP shouldnt have asked for dessert.

And about the 150, I would have said to him, 'are you tight with money' and let him work out whether its reasonable to ask for the booking fee

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