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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:08

Thedaysthatremain · 01/01/2023 16:55

People do do do this. It's just on mumsnet there are weird, conservative, often contradictory, written in stone, "rules" for dating.

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Nice try again. No, the point of casual is that it's casual not something which you do anything other than casual things, which is not a family dinner.

Next people will be getting married and saying it's casual.

TheDietStartsTomorrowOrMaybeTheDayAfter · 01/01/2023 17:12

What a tightwad. Given that I bought an Apple strudel in Aldi the other day for £1.19, I reckon that 3 of those and a tub of ice cream would have been fine. Would have been about a £5-6 in total.

Stunningscreamer · 01/01/2023 17:13

I don't think casual means you can't meet the family. Maybe if they're little kids but not adults and nearly-adults. They can cope with the idea of the parent dating.

He sounds like basically a nice guy, tries to make an effort, pleasant to people etc. But I really don't think he sounds right for you OP just from the way you're posting. You sound like you don't really respect him a great deal, although you're clearly fond of him, which I think isn't a great basis for a long term relationship. Apologies if I've got that wrong and it's more that you're not sure whether or not to get involved but that's what I'm picking up.

NannyOggsWhiskyStash · 01/01/2023 17:20

He's stingy and incapable of choosing a pudding, which is baffling. Although apparently this is normal to be befuddled by pud going by some of the responses. I bet he bills you for it too.

Back21970 · 01/01/2023 17:29

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 01/01/2023 09:39

It wouldn't send me panicking, but it would annoy me for several reasons.

If I'd already left the shop I'd be annoyed at the initial reassurance that I didn't need to get anything, as it would eat into my day and create an unnecessary chore.

Providing a whole course is very different to picking up a last minute item. I'd be wondering what on earth they'd have done if I hadn't offered.

For me, money would be a factor. Yes, cheap puddings can be sourced with time and warning, but on New year's Eve with a couple of hours before closing time you are kind of stuck with what's there. I would politely offer to pick up a bottle of wine, a fiver or so, but sourcing pudding for nine people in somewhere like Waitrose is going to cost significantly more than that. Some months I have a week or so where I have a pound in my bank account. We can't all afford to randomly subsidise a party we aren't throwing.

An equal partner asking me to to make up for their flakiness would annoy me slightly but as a team I would do it. A fuck buddy, that's a bit more give than take that I would like.

I think if this were a woman, with her fuck buddy who was clearly not interested in a relationship, Asking her to sort an entire course at a dinner party with two hours notice, people might be less judgemental of her and questioning the op. It's not about the 'poor mens'. It's about the op expecting quite a lot more than most people would expect as a social nicety without any awareness that she is pushing a boundary.

The £1.50 thing is clearly a joke that op has included to show herself in a good light. She doesn't seem to like her guest very much and seems to have no problem slagging off a guy to the internet who she seems worthy enough to date for nine months. Happy to pick holes, but not dump.

And again, we're being fed it all from ops pov and she still doesn't come across well to me. Who knows what the other side is.

I mean, I hope for his sake the silence and ghosting was the end of their relationship, but just as likely he showed up with something late because he drove around doing last minute sourcing. Op will never update either outcome though so we will never know.

Show quote history

Speechless at this post, the OP is apparently ‘flakey’ now for not organising pudding herself…

He phoned and asked a second time did she need anything!!!!!!!

This thread is the most invested I’ve been since I binge watched The Traitors 😂

stevec711 · 01/01/2023 17:30

Well, he asked. I guess he wasn't really serious, just trying to be polite. Probably expected you to say "No." I'd just ignore him.

singledadstu · 01/01/2023 17:30

Is he walking ?

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:31

Back21970 · 01/01/2023 17:29

Speechless at this post, the OP is apparently ‘flakey’ now for not organising pudding herself…

He phoned and asked a second time did she need anything!!!!!!!

This thread is the most invested I’ve been since I binge watched The Traitors 😂

Show quote history

Speechless. Well obviously not as you've just said something.

Bit like casual and not actually being casual.

Wiluli · 01/01/2023 17:33

Is it possible with him nit having kids that he finds a bit overwhelming? Don’t make a huge thing out of this just ask him directly

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:36

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 16:49

Casual dates that you've been seeing for 9 months? No I don't think so. People don't do that. Odd attempt to try and normalise it though.

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You are being SO WEIRD about picking up a bit of shopping.

"Normalise it" 😂😂😂- could there really be a more normal & banal thing to do for someone than picking up an item of shopping while you are en route anyway?

I've asked people I've been dating a few weeks, right up to people I married, & several inbetween. Really don't need you to believe that in order for it to be true. So can you go & obsess about some other boringly ordnary activity now, & leave me alone? Cheers.

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 01/01/2023 17:37

It is flaky to invite people round without catering adequately for them.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/01/2023 17:37

I don’t think he’s being mean - he’s just startled at having to choose deserts for 9 without warning and doesn’t know what to get. It is a bit of a big ask at the last minute with no direction.
I get how it happened but from his perspective it’s sudden responsibility for a big part of the meal that he wants to not fuck up on.
what did he bring?

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:37

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:36

You are being SO WEIRD about picking up a bit of shopping.

"Normalise it" 😂😂😂- could there really be a more normal & banal thing to do for someone than picking up an item of shopping while you are en route anyway?

I've asked people I've been dating a few weeks, right up to people I married, & several inbetween. Really don't need you to believe that in order for it to be true. So can you go & obsess about some other boringly ordnary activity now, & leave me alone? Cheers.

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I'm sure you have. You can also call a tuxedo casual wear if you want. Doesn't make it any less weird to do so.

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 01/01/2023 17:38

have read the messages and your thoughts with interest

  • should clarify this wasn't a dinner party - was just doing a family meal for NYE...no expectation of a 3 course extravaganza so just a nicer version of a roast - jamie oliver slow roasted lamb and all the trimmings which to be honest I find pretty easy to do.

vienettas did get eaten and my daughters comment was abit of a joke which i think he may have taken to heart. He did also buy nice fresh custard - fresh madagascan vanilla not tinned stuff so i don't know if all products were chosen because of price

i'm pretty knackered now so going to chill and have a big think about it all

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:39

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:08

Nice try again. No, the point of casual is that it's casual not something which you do anything other than casual things, which is not a family dinner.

Next people will be getting married and saying it's casual.

Show quote history

"I MUST DEFINE OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS & I, & ONLY I, AM THE ARBITER OF WHAT PEOPLE WHO ARE DATING EACH OTHER ARE ALLOWED TO DO. PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO ALLOW ME TO PUT THEM IN BOXES MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT IN CONTROL, AND THAT IS BAD & WRONG. COMPLY, POSTERS, OR FEEL MY FEEBLE WRATH!"

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:40

He did also buy nice fresh custard - fresh madagascan vanilla not tinned stuff so i don't know if all products were chosen because of price

Oh look another drip feed which knocks the stingy crowd's argument down again 😂

Back21970 · 01/01/2023 17:40

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:31

Speechless. Well obviously not as you've just said something.

Bit like casual and not actually being casual.

Show quote history

I actually wrote something, didn’t say it out loud as was scoffing some bombae mix.

Have now read the OP’s latest post and relieved to see he did indeed show up so all’s well that ends well.

Off for a slice or 2 of Vienetta to soak up my hangover 😀

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:41

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:37

I'm sure you have. You can also call a tuxedo casual wear if you want. Doesn't make it any less weird to do so.

Show quote history

Can you explain exactly what you believe to be 'weird' about helping somebody out by picking up some shopping is?

I don't think you can. You are simply determined to be enraged.

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:41

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:39

"I MUST DEFINE OTHER PEOPLE'S RELATIONSHIPS & I, & ONLY I, AM THE ARBITER OF WHAT PEOPLE WHO ARE DATING EACH OTHER ARE ALLOWED TO DO. PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO ALLOW ME TO PUT THEM IN BOXES MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I AM NOT IN CONTROL, AND THAT IS BAD & WRONG. COMPLY, POSTERS, OR FEEL MY FEEBLE WRATH!"

Show quote history

Nah it's a strawman.
Vast majority of people will be confused between the disconnect between being told we're casual and you're invited to NY dinner with family.
Just because you're one of the rare birds that thinks otherwise doesn't change that fact.

2023yearofchange · 01/01/2023 17:42

OP he might be lovely and fun and get on with your kids okay but I think you may have a difference in lifestyles/ attitudes to money and tastes which could become irritating for you longer tern. It's a red flag that he compares your resources, asks for 1.50 back etc. Is he looking to be provided for? I would sit back and let him woo you for want of a better word if you feel he isn't making enough effort re dating. If its an FWB situation then I don't see what the problem is as it's casual and temporary and all about the fun in the now, with or without bad desserts!!

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:43

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:41

Can you explain exactly what you believe to be 'weird' about helping somebody out by picking up some shopping is?

I don't think you can. You are simply determined to be enraged.

Show quote history

Go and do a poll if you want to clarify.

How many people think casual dating means meeting all the family on separate ocassions then doing dinner with family after 9 months.
As for outrage I'm not the one making allcaps posts here 😂

LoisLane66 · 01/01/2023 17:44

Wrong type of man. I gather he's not young. I couldn't be doing with a meany or a ditherer. He must know what a pudding or dessert is and if he doesn't at his age and is the sort to say he'll 'leave it up to you', I'd give him the heave-ho. Can't stand incompetent men or those who offload decisions saying that 'women are better at that sort of thing'.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:44

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:41

Nah it's a strawman.
Vast majority of people will be confused between the disconnect between being told we're casual and you're invited to NY dinner with family.
Just because you're one of the rare birds that thinks otherwise doesn't change that fact.

Show quote history

You don't understand what a Strawman is, & PP are more likely edging slowly away from your batshit need to tell OP you know more about her relationship with this guy than she does.

Bunce1 · 01/01/2023 17:45

He sounds a bit like my BILs newish partner who is really keen to move things on and wants to be part of the bugger family stuff. She is lonely. She likes BIL but I think she likes what he brings to the relationship in terms of a big happy gregarious family.

HotChoxs · 01/01/2023 17:46

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 17:44

You don't understand what a Strawman is, & PP are more likely edging slowly away from your batshit need to tell OP you know more about her relationship with this guy than she does.

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So now you have a different definition of strawman to the normally accepted version too. Brilliant 😂