New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

[sleeplessinsouthhampton]

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

@sleeplessinsouthhampton he sounds quite sensitive and is probably a bit in awe of you seeming to be all confident and ‘together’. I would give him time. I reckon his confidence was knocked by the divorce and he’s finding his feet. He may not be struggling but I don’t think he’s rolling in it so nothing wrong with being careful. Also, for what it’s worth, I can be very generous and am happy to pay out, but, if I buy tickets or anything else where costs are to be recovered, I have to get the exact amount. It really grates if I don’t. But I am definitely not stingy. I do like ‘preciseness’ though so I’d be like ‘£27.50 and £1.99 booking fee’ or whatever (even though I’d be cringing asking). I would have to give you the change if you gave me too much as well. Some people just don’t know what food to bring for a family gathering and I think he was worried about getting it wrong as well.

@KettrickenSmiled

How about you focus and read MY post properly.

Nowhere did I mention she should be having a 'full-on' relationship or 'not' putting her children first.

What the hell is your gripe??

I'll try to spell it out simply for you; my point is that if you have to question a relationship this much (and that's whatever the relationship) it simply isn't right or positive.

but i'd apparently dismissed this so he was surprised when i asked for his help with puddings
Well that just sounds like he's re-writing what happened so that he can feel put out.

Agreed again

As expected he's not the bumbling stingy idiot he was made out to be on here and showed up with some dessert.

Ooh la la, mint vienetta, you shall go to the ball!

Vienettas are probably the cheapest thing he could get, he just sounds very miserly really.

Nope - I don't see it as a crime and I don't think women should be all about those things (any more then men).

I just think he is probably getting mixed messages - not involved in the planning, invited as a guest, and then asked to provide a whole course for 9 on his way there. The OP is asking for his partnership in some ways while holding him at bay (perfectly reasonably) in others. And communication between them seems patchy.

We all see different perspectives when people post, you know!

Viennettas are definitely not the cheapest thing he could’ve gotten.

Some people here are so rude. He was told shortly before shops were closing on New Year’s Eve when lots of stuff is sold out already.

I've held many a low-key dinner party, & often asked guests to step in at the last minute to bring something I've forgotten or been too busy to arrange. Not a single one of them thought I was asking for partnership by those requests, or sending them mixed messages.

MN likes romantic relationships to fall into neatly labelled boxes, & is fond of scolding women who manage their lovelives without the need for conventional classifications.

my eldest called the vienettas retro chic and he made a point of check g in with me that daughter wasn't upset - it's this sort of thing that makes me question taking the next step

I can't work out if you're saying this is a good thing or a bad thing? Considering or caring about other people's feelings is a positive, surely? But your overall tone sounds a bit stand-off-ish.

Left this thread at page 5 last night when I had to go out and have just read the whole thread on a dimmed screen due to my horrendous hangover so am pleased to see he turned up! I’m wondering if all the mint vienetta got eaten?

Not bringing anything is the cheapest thing he could get. People are very keen to lay into him.

I just think he is probably getting mixed messages - not involved in the planning, invited as a guest, and then asked to provide a whole course for 9 on his way there. The OP is asking for his partnership in some ways while holding him at bay (perfectly reasonably) in others. And communication between them seems patchy.

Talk about overanalysing the situation 😅

Gosh that's an interesting perspective, how many of these guests were you casually dating? I don't ever remember inviting someone I was casual with to a family gathering.

Also an odd swipe at mumsnet, flip through the threads about people who they're dating are unavailable, people who get cheated on and the rest of it and you'll see where this lies in the grand scheme of things.

Hardly a 'whole course for 9,' she said he could bring 'dessert type things' to pad out the few bits she'd already got. Not exactly a Masterchef challenge.

I didn't keep a spreadsheet of who was a bedfellow vs: who was co-opted to bring last-minute shopping, so can't give you any accurate findings HotChox, & wonder why you feel it makes any difference.

I have asked platonic friends, casual dates, actual partners, & family members to bring stuff over in the many decades that I've fed people I care about at my house. Not a single one of them felt that "picking up item X" equated to "being asked to be in a partnership". It's weird that anyone thinks otherwise.

But cheers for your interest in my sex life.

An obscure but reference but for anyone that gets it: You know on Vanderpump Rules when James was shouting "It's not about the Pasta"?...that's how I feel about this thread

This !

Casual dates that you've been seeing for 9 months? No I don't think so. People don't do that. Odd attempt to try and normalise it though.

And that's what he did.
Which begs the question why the OP even bothered posting in the first place.

And not that. He stayed over and so her children would have woken up on NYD to this “casual” keeping him at arm’s length guy.

Yes, exactly what I’d do with someone I was casual with how I wanted to be “really really sure before I start (😂)integrating him into our lives more”

🙄

People do do do this. It's just on mumsnet there are weird, conservative, often contradictory, written in stone, "rules" for dating.

@poefaced

Please please come back and let us know if you really truly didn’t realise that last night was New Year’s Eve?!!

Ok @KettrickenSmiled you don’t think picking up something constitutes something more than casual.

What about inviting over for a family only New Years Eve dinner celebration and games, then have him stay over night and wake up with him on NYE, and wave him off late morning? Does that not constitute something more than “casual”?

I can’t travel through thread but is @KettrickenSmiled the one the keeps a s/s or her dalliances? I remember this being discussed on another thread but can’t recall the poster!