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AIBU?

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Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
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9
Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 01/01/2023 11:23

OhMonDieu · 01/01/2023 11:09

Hmmm...

Not sure how old you (both) are- guessing early 50s if you have 2 adult DCs ?

You are coming over as being lukewarm over this guy.

There are probably millions of men on the planet who you could rub along with in an ok way, but is this what you want to settle for?

Is this is for you a FWB set up, and he's clamouring for more, it doesn't sound as if you are both on the same page.

He sounds quite sensitive and maybe over-thinks, (what's his own back story? Divorced? Kids? )

and you sound up to your eyes in family stuff, work, hobbies.

Maybe it's not the right stage of your life to be heading towards something serious?

My opinion is that if you have to ask other people, you already know the answer.

It's just my opinion, but I think if you are not more keen on him than you appear to be, you should end it as he's only going to be more hurt the longer it goes on.

He's 52 and i'm 46 - my kids are 25, 21,17&16 and the youngest 3 live with me. He doesn't have kids and is divorced and lives alone although sees his mum and brute he quite a lot - i think there's abit of baggage there as he split from his ex because she wanted children much more than he did and wanted to do fertility treatment but he didn't. Not sure who actually left who but she met someone very quickly and had twins and remarried. They are still in touch as went to school together and have same friends etc. He has some regret i think over not having children as his friends and brother all have families now and he seems to like the hustle and bustle of his brothers family and probably mine as well. He's had a few other girlfriends over the years and lived with one of them at one point

i do want a life partner and don't want FWB - i just need to be really really sure before i start integrating our lives more.

OP posts:
Trudij123 · 01/01/2023 11:23

That sounds pretty good to me - and he was thoughtful getting custard to go with the mince pies. Glad it’s sorted 😁

growgrowinggrown · 01/01/2023 11:27

@ShutTheFrontDory
She doesn't have to provide anything at all, but for a full family celebratory meal I would expect a dessert to go with it. She even mentions herself that she'd got bits for afters so hardly a stretch.

BackAgainstWall · 01/01/2023 11:28

Your high level of scrutiny and observation of him indicates to me that the 'relationship' is obviously not right for you.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship, and if you are, it's certainly not with him.

And yes, it does sound like you dismissed him. After 9 months, if it was a good relationship, he would be accompanying you to your brother's house this afternoon.

You are keeping him at arm's length and I think you should put him out of his misery.

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:28

i just need to be really really sure before i start integrating our lives more.

OP, you invited him over to a family only (and partners) celebration on New Years Eve.

If that is not integrating someone in to your family’s lives, then I don’t know what is

Dita73 · 01/01/2023 11:29

I just don’t think you’re feeling it

Zippedydoo123 · 01/01/2023 11:33

Pleased he rolled up. As a point of interest we have Aldi cheesecake today for our new years day dessert. Plus yesterday I bought a Vienetta!

2023yearofchange · 01/01/2023 11:33

I don't think he took the opportunity to be generous and gallant re the puddings really - the beer was for him and mini vienettas sound like cheapest pudding you can buy. Not for a special occasion like a NY supper. I wouldn't have been that impressed especially as you go 50/50 when you go out. I think he does sound tight OP I would be put off tbh!!

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:34

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:28

i just need to be really really sure before i start integrating our lives more.

OP, you invited him over to a family only (and partners) celebration on New Years Eve.

If that is not integrating someone in to your family’s lives, then I don’t know what is

Oh and he stayed over so they woke to him in their home NYD morning

Op… that is well and truly “integrating in to our lives more”

harrassedmumto3 · 01/01/2023 11:40

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 11:01

Mint Viennettas?

He did awesome!

He really didn't.

Anotheryearsameshitshow · 01/01/2023 11:47

My now dh had no dc when we met. He was indeed the original fish out of water! He is younger than me by 10 years. He says he feels privileged he was welcomed into our family.. How do your dc feel about him op? Matters a lot ime! Very early on my dc wanted him invited for Christmas.. He came after lunch though. He worked hard to get to know them. Even teens were won over quickly. So much they moved in full time! A bizarre and amazing time!! Imo you are keeping him at arms length.. The £1.50 thing would sting.. My dh is awful with money and probably would have asked for it also. He is tight tbh. We have separate finances which suits us both. Probably for you too with dc and him none. Makes it fairer imo.
Good luck with whatever you decide op.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 11:49

BackAgainstWall · 01/01/2023 11:28

Your high level of scrutiny and observation of him indicates to me that the 'relationship' is obviously not right for you.

I don't think you're ready for a relationship, and if you are, it's certainly not with him.

And yes, it does sound like you dismissed him. After 9 months, if it was a good relationship, he would be accompanying you to your brother's house this afternoon.

You are keeping him at arm's length and I think you should put him out of his misery.

Don't be ridiculous. She's putting her children first.

And of course she's not ready for a full-on relationship. Where would she find time for one - did you not read her first post?

If her bloke is finding the relationship lacking for any reason, he can put himself out of his misery, & quit it. Right now, the part-time nature of it suits OP, & she is doing nothing wrong by taking it at her own pace.

DreamingOfAGreenChristmas · 01/01/2023 11:49

I think you both sound confused and unsure.

From his pov you hadn’t seen him since before Christmas Eve and had invited him over for dinner… but although you have invited him, and treat him like a guest insofar as you didn’t get him to come and cook alongside you, you don’t cater for him in terms of getting the beer he likes to drink.

Then suddenly, having helpfully asked (in his mind) if you needed something last minute from the shop (packet of parsley / lemon / pot of cream) you suggest he brings a whole dinner course.

Did he know beforehand that you weren’t bothered about dessert? Had chocs and mince pies? Probably not because he wasn’t being included in discussion and planning… he was a guest.

As a landscape gardener he may be more of a doer, hence his willingness to help you cook.

You have very little time in your life and are also holding him at bay emotionally.

Maybe this incident has opened up some space to think about how you and he communicate, expectations, vulnerabilities etc.

As for the mint Vienettas… by yesterday in shops near me the chiller cabinets were bare of tarte au citron and profiteroles.

KettrickenSmiled · 01/01/2023 11:52

You have very little time in your life and are also holding him at bay emotionally.

You say this like it's a crime.
Like it's a woman's job to be all about commitment & emotional investment.

poefaced · 01/01/2023 11:55

growgrowinggrown · 01/01/2023 11:27

@ShutTheFrontDory
She doesn't have to provide anything at all, but for a full family celebratory meal I would expect a dessert to go with it. She even mentions herself that she'd got bits for afters so hardly a stretch.

Why is it a ‘full family celebratory meal’? What is OP celebrating?

Why would you expect anything, it’s a free meal?

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:59

poefaced · 01/01/2023 11:55

Why is it a ‘full family celebratory meal’? What is OP celebrating?

Why would you expect anything, it’s a free meal?

Show quote history

New Years Eve 😐

Nudity · 01/01/2023 12:01

“What is OP celebrating?”

Um, New Years Eve I suspect.

OhMonDieu · 01/01/2023 12:01

Thanks for your update on it all @sleeplessinsouthhampton

You are still quite young- you had your 1st at 21- and I assumed you might be 10 years older than you are.

In your shoes I'd not be in a rush to find a permanent partner, especially with 3 kids still at home.

And don't underestimate how hard it would be for a single man who never had kids, to integrate. He just won't understand the family dynamics.

TBH if I were you, I'd go for a "living apart- but together " set up.
Keep your own homes, see each other as and when, and allow your youngest to grow up a bit before you live together.

He sounds slightly fazed by having to buy a dessert, but at the same time it was a big ask for you to ask him to bring pudding for 9.

If he's never lived as a family or entertained at home for crowds, he must have felt a bit unsure.

Pleasecreateausername13 · 01/01/2023 12:14

I personally think it’s harsh that a PP said this guy is being “manipulative” for saying he feels dismissed. Did I read that right? The same forum were I see countless people complaining their men don’t communicate….

You’ve been with this guy nearly a year OP, he seems to want to commit to you which isn’t unreasonable at this stage.
Maybe it’s time to either go for it if you feel the same or end it if you aren’t ready. He seems like a good guy and if we all had reservations about not wanting to be hurt again we would never find new loves.

Good luck for the future Op!

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 01/01/2023 12:37

Well it all sounds okay to me. It's a relationship that is more than casual but not yet serious - perfect for 9 months.
Some things he gets right (spending time with the grumpy teen and making him laugh), some things wrong (forever known as £1.50 man). He is human! No need to make any decisions about whether he is 'the one' at this point. I'm sure that will become apparent to each of you as you get to know each other better.

Thank you for entertaining us over New Year @sleeplessinsouthhampton 😁

Blossomtoes · 01/01/2023 12:41

OnemoresliceofChristmascake · 01/01/2023 12:37

Well it all sounds okay to me. It's a relationship that is more than casual but not yet serious - perfect for 9 months.
Some things he gets right (spending time with the grumpy teen and making him laugh), some things wrong (forever known as £1.50 man). He is human! No need to make any decisions about whether he is 'the one' at this point. I'm sure that will become apparent to each of you as you get to know each other better.

Thank you for entertaining us over New Year @sleeplessinsouthhampton 😁

This. I hope it works out. The £1.50 which is obsessing everyone was clearly a bad joke that misfired, he sounds fine otherwise.

Rewis · 01/01/2023 12:43

Have you actually had a discussion about your relationship? You're 9 months in and sounds like you want to keep your distance, keep it light and casual, not integrate him too much. Where as he'd like to meet family, hodt together etc. So have you actually told him how you want this relationship to develop?

bellac11 · 01/01/2023 12:49

Well Im disappointed it wasnt Mullers but he did the best he could given the circumstances

But agree with others that it sounds as if you just keep him on a string and Im not surprised he feels dismissed.

InFiveMins · 01/01/2023 13:26

2 vienettas and a packet of Bombay mix?!?  I wouldn't be impressed and I don't think you're impressed with him either.

Trust your gut OP.

The way he appears to get a bit moody and moany when you're not spending time with him is giving red flags to me too.

All sounds more hassle than it's actually worth. I'd end it.

Ofbollocks · 01/01/2023 13:43

Unless he is struggling badly, financially, I would have ditched him at the taking of the £1.50 from you.

But, mint vienettas are about £1.50 each, so at least you are up on the deal 😁