Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

871 replies

sleeplessinsouthhampton · 31/12/2022 14:59

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
MeinKraft · 01/01/2023 09:25

Anyone else really fancy cheesecake now?

BippityBopper · 01/01/2023 09:28

Username6194 · 01/01/2023 09:21

I'm very invested in this ! Did he show?

Me too.

I was also thinking the mention of the £1.50 was also a joke until reading the last update about it where he actually took the £1.50😒.

Boobahs · 01/01/2023 09:29

MeinKraft · 01/01/2023 09:25

Anyone else really fancy cheesecake now?

🙋🏻‍♀️

mincedtart · 01/01/2023 09:32

OP come on!!!! I’ll give you some options to make it easier, just say which number is correct:

  1. He’s disappeared. No pudding
  2. He left pudding at front door but disappeared.
  3. He came with a cheap ready-made pudding.
  4. He came with a fancy expensive pudding.
  5. He came with a good pudding he made.
  6. He came with a bad pudding he made.
  7. He came with nothing.
MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 01/01/2023 09:39

ShutTheFrontDory · 01/01/2023 09:25

We're strong, independent women on here but apparently buying a ready made dessert from a shop has some of you panicking?? Jesus...

It wouldn't send me panicking, but it would annoy me for several reasons.

If I'd already left the shop I'd be annoyed at the initial reassurance that I didn't need to get anything, as it would eat into my day and create an unnecessary chore.

Providing a whole course is very different to picking up a last minute item. I'd be wondering what on earth they'd have done if I hadn't offered.

For me, money would be a factor. Yes, cheap puddings can be sourced with time and warning, but on New year's Eve with a couple of hours before closing time you are kind of stuck with what's there. I would politely offer to pick up a bottle of wine, a fiver or so, but sourcing pudding for nine people in somewhere like Waitrose is going to cost significantly more than that. Some months I have a week or so where I have a pound in my bank account. We can't all afford to randomly subsidise a party we aren't throwing.

An equal partner asking me to to make up for their flakiness would annoy me slightly but as a team I would do it. A fuck buddy, that's a bit more give than take that I would like.

I think if this were a woman, with her fuck buddy who was clearly not interested in a relationship, Asking her to sort an entire course at a dinner party with two hours notice, people might be less judgemental of her and questioning the op. It's not about the 'poor mens'. It's about the op expecting quite a lot more than most people would expect as a social nicety without any awareness that she is pushing a boundary.

The £1.50 thing is clearly a joke that op has included to show herself in a good light. She doesn't seem to like her guest very much and seems to have no problem slagging off a guy to the internet who she seems worthy enough to date for nine months. Happy to pick holes, but not dump.

And again, we're being fed it all from ops pov and she still doesn't come across well to me. Who knows what the other side is.

I mean, I hope for his sake the silence and ghosting was the end of their relationship, but just as likely he showed up with something late because he drove around doing last minute sourcing. Op will never update either outcome though so we will never know.

Oysterbabe · 01/01/2023 09:40

I do feel a bit sorry for him. Springing buying pudding on him for your family at the last minute might have made him feel a bit stressed about getting it right.

WimbyAce · 01/01/2023 09:41

I was thinking about this when I went off to sleep lastnight and I think my dad and OH would struggle to fulfill the brief. Men need clear instructions so if you said tub of ice cream, fine, (followed by what flavour?) Having the whole run of dessert options would put them in a spin.

Aussiegirl123456 · 01/01/2023 09:43

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 01/01/2023 09:39

It wouldn't send me panicking, but it would annoy me for several reasons.

If I'd already left the shop I'd be annoyed at the initial reassurance that I didn't need to get anything, as it would eat into my day and create an unnecessary chore.

Providing a whole course is very different to picking up a last minute item. I'd be wondering what on earth they'd have done if I hadn't offered.

For me, money would be a factor. Yes, cheap puddings can be sourced with time and warning, but on New year's Eve with a couple of hours before closing time you are kind of stuck with what's there. I would politely offer to pick up a bottle of wine, a fiver or so, but sourcing pudding for nine people in somewhere like Waitrose is going to cost significantly more than that. Some months I have a week or so where I have a pound in my bank account. We can't all afford to randomly subsidise a party we aren't throwing.

An equal partner asking me to to make up for their flakiness would annoy me slightly but as a team I would do it. A fuck buddy, that's a bit more give than take that I would like.

I think if this were a woman, with her fuck buddy who was clearly not interested in a relationship, Asking her to sort an entire course at a dinner party with two hours notice, people might be less judgemental of her and questioning the op. It's not about the 'poor mens'. It's about the op expecting quite a lot more than most people would expect as a social nicety without any awareness that she is pushing a boundary.

The £1.50 thing is clearly a joke that op has included to show herself in a good light. She doesn't seem to like her guest very much and seems to have no problem slagging off a guy to the internet who she seems worthy enough to date for nine months. Happy to pick holes, but not dump.

And again, we're being fed it all from ops pov and she still doesn't come across well to me. Who knows what the other side is.

I mean, I hope for his sake the silence and ghosting was the end of their relationship, but just as likely he showed up with something late because he drove around doing last minute sourcing. Op will never update either outcome though so we will never know.

Show quote history

He was in the shop. He asked her if she needed anything, and she responded asking if he could get some desserts. He literally had to go to the freezer aisle and pick up a £5 gateaux. Really simple stuff.

That would annoy you?

Stripedbag101 · 01/01/2023 09:46

WimbyAce · 01/01/2023 09:41

I was thinking about this when I went off to sleep lastnight and I think my dad and OH would struggle to fulfill the brief. Men need clear instructions so if you said tub of ice cream, fine, (followed by what flavour?) Having the whole run of dessert options would put them in a spin.

Well this is just sexist. Men eat desert. We have to stop holding the bar so low for men. How can your respect your husband if he doesn’t have the basic life skills to do this simple task.

does he hold down a job? Can he do a grocery shop? Can he navigate public transport, pay a bill? Did he get any qualifications?

unless he has special needs he should be able to make decisions around buying a desert.

i suspect he is weaponising incompetence so he doesn’t have to do stuff he considers women’s work!!! I

MarysGirlChildWasLate4ChristmasDay · 01/01/2023 09:49

Aussiegirl123456 · 01/01/2023 09:43

He was in the shop. He asked her if she needed anything, and she responded asking if he could get some desserts. He literally had to go to the freezer aisle and pick up a £5 gateaux. Really simple stuff.

That would annoy you?

Show quote history

We was initially at the shop when he asked her.
We do not know if he was still there when he changed his mind.

Again, I could source pudding within my budget with a decent but of notice. Harder last minute.com.

Would one gateux serve nine people? Not in my family.

WimbyAce · 01/01/2023 09:53

Stripedbag101 · 01/01/2023 09:46

Well this is just sexist. Men eat desert. We have to stop holding the bar so low for men. How can your respect your husband if he doesn’t have the basic life skills to do this simple task.

does he hold down a job? Can he do a grocery shop? Can he navigate public transport, pay a bill? Did he get any qualifications?

unless he has special needs he should be able to make decisions around buying a desert.

i suspect he is weaponising incompetence so he doesn’t have to do stuff he considers women’s work!!! I

Show quote history

😆I was being quite tongue in cheek tbf in keeping with the thread.

poefaced · 01/01/2023 09:56

CandidaAlbicans2 · 01/01/2023 08:32

No. No. No. this isn't about money. If you ask someone on the day if they need anything, you mean something theyve r forgotten - a jar of mayonnaise, serviettes etc some thing you pick up on your way from the supermarket. Not an entire blooming course for 9 people you've never met when the host is going to big time trouble for the rest of it!

Totally agree @arethereanyleftatall There was a time I would've been panicked if put in his position. It would've been way too short notice for me to think and buy what could be considered the right thing, and I'd be worrying that I'd do it "wrong" and be judged eg people don't like what I've bought, allergies, etc. Even worse that this is the first time he's met them all in a group. I think it's a "big ask" as he said to suddenly be asked to bring a whole course!

How do you cope in day to day life when you’re challenged by a decision on what dessert to buy someone who was just planning to give mince pies to anyone who wanted one?

burnoutbabe · 01/01/2023 10:05

WimbyAce · 01/01/2023 09:41

I was thinking about this when I went off to sleep lastnight and I think my dad and OH would struggle to fulfill the brief. Men need clear instructions so if you said tub of ice cream, fine, (followed by what flavour?) Having the whole run of dessert options would put them in a spin.

Not just men.

I'd slightly panic.

Is there oven space so can do pie and ice cream /custard.

Is there freezer space for roulade?

Do they mean one big pudding for 9 or 9 little gu things? If doing gu pots, should I do all the sane or a variety?

Are they a triffle family or is that considered cheap?

It's not just an easy ask. Not compared to pick up 2 bottles of white wine

Stripedbag101 · 01/01/2023 10:07

WimbyAce · 01/01/2023 09:53

😆I was being quite tongue in cheek tbf in keeping with the thread.

Show quote history

Oops sorry - I though it was genuine!

my mistake - and thank how you didn’t marry a sexist moron😂😂😂

Blowthemandown · 01/01/2023 10:09

Did he turn up @sleeplessinsouthhampton

Original poster
sleeplessinsouthhampton · 01/01/2023 10:54

wow so many replies 😂 i'm quite a practical person so a casual oh you can get some puddings while i was in a supermarket wouldn't phase me at all - i'd just buy what i wanted but reading some of this i kinda get why he might have been out out as he is a bit more of a thinker and i'm a bit more of a doer

he came with a 4 pack of lagers for him (he knows i don't have or buy beer) a large bag of bombay mix, 2 mint vienettas and some fresh custard (for the mince pies) - so not amazing but not dreadful either ????

some of you saying it seems i don't like him have made me think - i do like him and enjoy spending time with him but haven't yet felt the urge to have him more in my life even though i know he would want this. We had abit of a chat and he said he had wanted to help me cook the meal and we would host like a proper couple but i'd apparently dismissed this so he was surprised when i asked for his help with puddings....i dunno, other than this had a lovely evening, lots of laughing and he gets on well with my kids and the older girls partners - played xbox with grumpy teen DS and even had him
laughing so that was nice to see

i need to process my feelings abit - he's quite sensitive despite his rough tough confident exterior ... my eldest called the vienettas retro chic and he made a point of check g in with me that daughter wasn't upset - it's this sort of thing that makes me question taking the next step

anyway he's home now and i'm off to my brothers this afternoon for family buffet and i think he was angling to come - says he feels dismissed but at same time was very nice about it and was supposed to be going to his mums anyway

i am very very very wary of being hurt and of not causing any issues with my children with another person in our lives so i can't quite work out if it's me or we aren't right or is it him?

OP posts:
SnowlayRoundabout · 01/01/2023 10:58

burnoutbabe · 01/01/2023 10:05

Not just men.

I'd slightly panic.

Is there oven space so can do pie and ice cream /custard.

Is there freezer space for roulade?

Do they mean one big pudding for 9 or 9 little gu things? If doing gu pots, should I do all the sane or a variety?

Are they a triffle family or is that considered cheap?

It's not just an easy ask. Not compared to pick up 2 bottles of white wine

Show quote history

Oh, come off it. When you're essentially being asked to pick up whatever might be available in the shop, it's clear that expectations are low and essentially the desserts are just a bit of an afterthought as OP wasn't sorting them out herself. It wouldn't even cross my mind to go for single desserts, it would be a gateau and/or a cheesecake plus maybe some cream and fresh fruit salad at most.

To be honest, I worry more about buying wine as I know sod all about it and notoriously always seem to end up picking up the stuff that tastes like vinegar.

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 11:01

Mint Viennettas?

He did awesome!

lamaze1 · 01/01/2023 11:04

We're obviously only getting a snapshot into your relationship but it seems like he wants to run before he can walk re integrating himself into your family and is being manipulative by saying he feels dismissed etc.

As for him angling to host, I'm sorry but I don't believe this. If it were true do you really think he would just bring a 4 pack of beer for himself, or would he pick up some other bits for the others (nice soft drinks/ alcohol)? Also his effort re the dessert was pretty poor, sounds like he just went for the cheapest option available.

Take the relationship at your pace and don't be guilt tripped into ignoring your own boundaries.

Jewelanemone · 01/01/2023 11:04

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 11:01

Mint Viennettas?

He did awesome!

My DH, who was as invested in this thread as I was, predicted last night that Vienettas would be purchased 😆

NameChagaiiiin · 01/01/2023 11:06

Holy shit finally an update.
Now I can celebrate the new year 🤣🤣

He seems a bit odd OP but only you know how you feel about him.

poefaced · 01/01/2023 11:06

I love a Mint Vienetta. Probably wouldn’t have bought them but you’re right, it’s not dreadful.

i'm off to my brothers this afternoon for family buffet and i think he was angling to come - says he feels dismissed but at same time was very nice about it and was supposed to be going to his mums anyway

Why is he so needy? Are you sure he isn’t giving you the ick?

misslucy92 · 01/01/2023 11:09

He only bought a four pack of beer because he’s the only one having beer.

He didn’t bring drinks for the others because OP had plenty and he’d asked twice and OP said not to bring anything and then to bring desserts only.

OP told him a short times before supermarkets closed and he couldn’t have made it to a bakery. Many things were likely sold out. Two viennettas are more than enough for the number of people after a gigantic meal and OP had also mentioned she had chocolates to him.

Stop trying to make this something it’s not and give the poor guy a break.

OhMonDieu · 01/01/2023 11:09

Hmmm...

Not sure how old you (both) are- guessing early 50s if you have 2 adult DCs ?

You are coming over as being lukewarm over this guy.

There are probably millions of men on the planet who you could rub along with in an ok way, but is this what you want to settle for?

Is this is for you a FWB set up, and he's clamouring for more, it doesn't sound as if you are both on the same page.

He sounds quite sensitive and maybe over-thinks, (what's his own back story? Divorced? Kids? )

and you sound up to your eyes in family stuff, work, hobbies.

Maybe it's not the right stage of your life to be heading towards something serious?

My opinion is that if you have to ask other people, you already know the answer.

It's just my opinion, but I think if you are not more keen on him than you appear to be, you should end it as he's only going to be more hurt the longer it goes on.

OhMonDieu · 01/01/2023 11:15

And just to add to my previous posts.

I think many middle aged men who are without kids, are a different breed. They don't really 'get' the family dynamics, and it must be hard for them to really adjust.