New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

[sleeplessinsouthhampton]

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

@poefaced @Headabovetheparakeet Oh no :( I hope he turned up.

I think you were more odd than him in your instructions

I'm an overthinker so while everyone is saying that it's only a couple of cheesecakes and some ice cream, my brain is busy wondering if there would be space in the fridge/freezer for cheesecake...well OP is catering for 9 so her fridge is bound to be full...this frozen cheesecake says it takes 2 1/2 hours to defrost and it's already after 3pm with dinner at 5:30pm so that might not be enough time for it to be done properly...so a cake from the shelf...so cream, ice cream or custard...well cream and ice cream might not have space so custard...though custard means more work to heat it up...wait...is cake and custard good enough...not it's crap, I need to start again.

Cue me wandering the shop panicking.

If he brings a baked cheesecake over a crappy digestive biscuit base fridge one he's a keeper IMO. Happy to help OP.

I'm invested now. Need to know if he's a stingy fucker who won't buy a measly cheesecake or two or if he's so desperate to impress he was late because he was at home making a pavlova

I hope so too!

Sounds like he could be a gold digger, with his comments about her house and salary. How dare she ask for a dessert with her salary

Yes, because this is incredibly realistic advice to give someone with 4 kids and elderly parents to look after. Guys are just lining up all over, so keep it casual and don't bother to call them when there's some confusion. They might even be golddiggers.

@HotChoxs I don't think OP has to just accept whatever's on offer- and she should still keep her eyes open.

I am now invested in this thread.....did he turn up and what did he bring?.

You'll have a frube & like it, young lady.

Here's an alternate perspective. There was a communication error.

The guy has no kids and can afford to work on his terms. OP has 4 kids and elderly parents to look after and a busy job to maintain all of that.

The guy is not actually all that stingy given that he actually seems to be the one that's willing to commit to a partner with significantly more baggage and financial responsibilities.

I know we all want to live in a World where we women are heroes of the story but sometimes we're actually not.

And the only "red flag" the OP can come up with in 9 months is about £1.50. Which is more of a well-washed, pale pink flag than red.

So far anyway. Maybe she'll have more obvious drips to feed us after dessert.

It can be!!

I took £1 off my bloke a few weeks ago because he was prattling about & it was the only way to end the 'joke'.

she had the cash, he may well have done the same!!

He’s probably turned up with a couple of sachets of Angel Delight and a receipt for OP (because she already nearly cost him £1.50 and you can’t be too careful). It works out at about 13p each so if you could cover yourself and the other seven guests @sleeplessinsouthhampton then he’ll pick up his 13p share as it’s New Year.

I’d marry him if he brought 8 packets of butterscotch angel delight, cartons of milk and a big tub of cream because it is new year fancypantstime.

I am easy pleased.

But he would have had his auld ho of heave with the £1.50 shenanigans so tonight wouldn’t have happened anyway.

I am going to have fancy angel delight tonight though. There is a dearth of cheesecake in this house. Needs must. (And no - not sharing)

I’d be annoyed if someone suddenly asked me to bring dessert for 9 people! Nothing to do with the money but the hassle and complete turnaround

You spooky bastart @YouOKHun 🤣

Great Angel Delight addled minds think alike @ArcaneWireless !

'The guy is not actually all that stingy given that he actually seems to be the one that's willing to commit to a partner with significantly more baggage and financial responsibilities.'

Yeah the OP should lick his boots and throw £1.50s at him because he's lowered himself to date her even though she has a family

😘🤣

Nice strawman, implying that I stated she should accept what's on offer. More like don't mess around with what's on offer like there's an endless supply.

I'd say he was saying do you need anything. And them emphasising I'm at the shops now- do you need anything, like oh shit I need more xyz as opposed to bringing something and then the desserts threw him. I'd be stressed getting dessert for 9 people I'd never met. If you'd said I don't think I've enough champagne grab a bottle that's easy dessert? Cheesecake? Or a cake? Or individual? Or fancy? My local supermarket has shit desserts. Id be so stressed.

Yes because we're all so certain of this £1.50 story being something that actually went down like a demand for payment aren't we.

I doubt it was about the money. I suspect it was about having to chose deserts for 9 people and get it right.

Oh dear god woman, give it a rest. She’s only leading him on if she hasn’t been honest with him. If she’s been honest, then he’s a big boy and can make his own choices. Seeing as you don’t know either way, you can get off your soap box.

I'll give it a rest when people don't get led on by this "honesty" thing.

Both men and women need to stop excusing themselves by this "honesty" argument when the other person doesn't get it and cut them loose.

Anyone saying otherwise has no morals whatsoever.