New (ish) man being odd about bringing contribution to meal

[sleeplessinsouthhampton]

Been seeing this chap fairly casually for 9 months or so...I like him and we have a lot of fun and really good conversations, both like same things etc.he's hinted at wanting more commitment and to see each other more often but i've deliberately kept things slow and steady and not rushed anything. Plus I have a busy life - full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well. He has family, no kids but life is a bit quieter i think - he works part time, self employed ...

For various reasons - illness, visiting other family etc not seen him since 23rd which he's been abit moany about but not directly. Anyway - today I'm cooking a lamb roast dinner for the kids and their partners and decided to invite him as well. He's met them all individually or casually but never been to a family event as such. We'll have meal, champagne and games etc.

this morning he messaged to say do i need him to bring anything - i said not really all in hand but bring drinks if there's anything in particular he wanted but i have wine, spirits, fizz etc. He says ok and no further response - i'm really busy tidying and prepping and get another message saying he's at shops am i sure he can't bring something - so i reply thinking he was looking to contribute and said ok well u can bring some dessert type things - we're not fussy about what but that would be nice

the response i get is - oh, I thought you would have puddings already sorted for us all- desserts for 9 people is a big ask....

tbh this has actually pissed me off as i wasn't even gonna bother with dessert as we have a huge meal, drinks and also have chocolates, mince pies etc. if anyone wanted but just suggested it as he seemed to want to bring something. Have i misinterpreted this somehow?

His stinginess would really put me off. You're cooking a nice meal for him and making an effort and he's moaning at spending a tenner

That’s what dating is, getting to know each other without commitment.

What do you want OP to be, a Stepford Wife?

Has he turned up yet?

I think the £1.50 thing is being blown out of proportion. It reads more like he was joking about her owing him money, then she joked about offering it back, then he continued the joke by taking it. I think the real issue is their compatibility. They don't seem to understand each other.

I can't go into 2023 without knowing the outcome,I just can't!!....

Did he turn up? He sounds cheap; it’s not attractive

i hope the silence means he arrived?

Oh dear, feel free to check the other thread where someone was moaning about not being called girlfriend after 3 months of dating and being labelled as just "seeing each other"

Lots of responses about he's just not into you and you want someone that's doesn't leave you wondering.

But the OP want to keep it casual after 9 months, and apparently the problem is a guy who is following those rules.

This was how I perceived it too. Meeting people for the first time and unsure of what to get to suit all.

I suspect he’s been hoist by his own petard. He made a fake offer to get something and was miffed when OP said he can bring dessert if he wants to.

He’s now faced with a conundrum - spend a tenner on dessert or turn up empty handed and appear stingy, and is resentful.

Anyway, given OP hasn’t been back, I suspect he has finally turned up.

I don't recall indicating anything like that. If you want to make that inference that's up to you.

Yep, but people here seem to think he asked her for a bank transfer rather than made a joke about it.

Besides which she only wants to keep it casual, so what does it matter if you just want a shag with someone you're not serious about now and again.

It's not a joke if he took the money back. For him to actually take £1.50 off of op is nothing but ick.

I suspect it doesn't really matter whether he brings something or not if he's only there to be a bit of company and a casual shag.

I'm very invested in the outcome of the 🍰

YANBU I cannot stand people who offer to do stuff but actually don’t want to do it! Don’t bloody offer if you don’t want to buy!

Or they're having dinner which was timed for 5.30. Who eats at 5.30 unless they're catering for toddlers? (random irrelevant thought)

Here for dessert-gate.

If someone’s invited to a dinner they bring something, regardless if they’re dating, casual or friends.
I’m guessing he’d been invited with a good few days to make sure he didn’t have other plans and to plan his outfit and what to bring.
It’s good etiquette to not turn up empty handed.

Not sure why you’re guilt tripping OP then, for having a full and busy life. She has (in her words) a ‘full time job, caring for elderly parents and 4 children - 3 at home - 2 teens and 2 young adults, lots of family and also I sing in choir so we do a lot at xmas as well.’ And yet you seem to want her to prioritise this newish man.

I bet he has rolled up.

Were you there watching this jokey interaction go down or something?

Never been so invested in desserts before

Without being there it's really hard to tell though, for all we know OP might have been all Father Ted with the 1.50...perhaps she was the one who made it weird so he just took it

Aw yes, that's an excuse for stringing someone along, poor dear.