To find my friend a bit....eccentric

[lionindistress]

I have a very good friend of mine who I have known for the years now. No issues there but she does things which may be considered odd to others and don't know if I should talk to her about this- as some friends within our friendship group have noticed this and finding it a bit too......not much... but a bit odd and to the point where it's not funny anymore. Here are a few examples (we are all in our 20's by the way)

1. After inviting her to stay over in my flat. We watched a late movie and she slept in one of the bedrooms. In the middle of the night (about 3-4am) I woke up to get a glass of water (had am itchy throat) and I just see that her room light is on. Not wanting to waste electricity. I switched this off and went back to the bed and thought maybe she was so exhausted to bother turning the light off. But when I woke up at 7am to get ready for work- I noticed that the light was back on again.

Anyway, in the morning for breakfast, I joked and said that I noticed you had your light on and I switched it off. She then replied and said that she prefer sleeping with the light on as growing up, she was always afraid of the dark and her whole family sleeps with the light on and it's only now that she tolerates sleeping with a light lamp. So everytime she stays over at mine, or other friends places, she has to have a light on when sleeping,

2. She is habitually late and makes some odd requests. For example, when we set up a time for all of us to meet together. We will say things like - "ok let's meet at 4pm" she will always pop up and say "let's meet at 4.05"- and when we ask her why, she relies that it will give her 5 minutes extra time incase she's late....... she also does this when we say "3.30" and she wants to meet at "3.38).

3. Her and our other friend were going out somewhere and they were taking the bus somewhere to a particular place where she wanted to go. My friend (the one who I'm writing about) offered her seat to an elderly person on the bus and when the elderly person reused she insisted and said "don't worry, we are getting off the next stop". Anyway, our friend and this friend, proceeded to get off the next stop and they were walking for about 15 minutes until our friend said "Hey X, where is this place? We could have got off at a nearer bus stop". The friend (who I'm talking about) replied "I know- but I told the elderly person that we were getting off the next stop and I didn't want to feel stupid and stay on the bus thinking that what I said wasn't true".

4. Can be very very private- particularly at work. She often tells me that you can't trust everyone and that I need to be careful who I share things too as they can use it against you.

There are a few other things. But other than that, she is funny, a very good friend, but we are not sure if we should have a discussion about some of the things she does...

Learn to love her quirkiness. The always being late, that could be annoying, understandably, so either factor it in eg tell her she needs to be there 30 minutes before she needs to be or have a chat with her about how it might inconvenience you or your friends if she is late. Work with her if it is anxiety related. She may not realise she is being a real pain.
My sister lost it with me once because I always ran things too close to the wire, I didnt do it again.

Sometimes people have to learn, that's what life experience brings us, hopefully, in understanding of our differences.

Thanks redebs these are all the sort of things I do and a few people have tried to Make me more like them. Old friend even rearranged my washing as she didn’t agree with how I had hung it up!
luckily these people tend to be of a sort - pretty dull, run around saying how mucky there immaculate house is (‘ I can’t talk now, I have to clean the door handles’) and I’ve now found friends who do have stuff to talk about

as a wise chum said..
’ intelligent people create things and do things, and talk about ideas, thick peopl talk about other people.

She’s right about not telling everyone too much about herself as they would use it against her, especially to her ‘friends’.
We are going on a month long holiday of a lifetime in February. Haven’t told anyone yet as it sounds boastful and struggling to tell my brothers as I know they could never afford to do the same. Wonder what that says about me?

One of my closest friends sleeps with a light on. Of course I noticed but didn't tell her it was wrong, ask why ouyr even mention it at all, it's none of my business. I'd known her almost 15 years before she told me it's because she was sexually abused as a child in the dark while she was in bed. Could you imagine if I'd crept into her room while she slept and turned it off!?
I hope she gets a different group of friends. You seem horribly judgemental

She sounds very fab. Although like other PP I do get the lateness thing. She may have an ASD, your description reminds me of my grown up DD.

She sounds like a very nice person.

Do you have no quirks? Most of us do.

Eccentric? Very vaguely.

1. Sleeping with a light on is quite common and normal. You going in and turning it off is very weird though.

2. She might have some mild executive function stuff going on (I do too, I don;t know many people without at least one blind-spot in this area) so arrival times are stressful for her. I also have this stress, but would be there 15 mins early because I leave too much time for all the traffic-delaying possibilities. Timekeeping is now my OCD. If she's found a small work-around to save her the anxiety I have - good for her.

3. Who hasn't made up a small white lie (getting off at the next stop) and then had to live with the consequences? You'd be better to ask how she might handle it next time, very mildly, and be prepared for the answer that she'd always do this. She was making a kind gesture, so at least you know she's a good person.

4. She's not wrong. Maybe your workplace isn't like this, but many are. You sound naive on this point.

Agreed! - many of the traits mentioned here could suggest neurodiversity. I am autistic myself and can relate too.

Maybe she finds leaving the house stressful I know I do! Remembering everything and the pressure of being on time can cause great anxiety.

Your friend sounds very caring and thoughtful of the feelings of those around her eg bus and not wanting to make others uncomfortable with her holiday during a cost of living crisis

With all the emphasis on mental health how do you think approaching her personality quirks as problematic will effect her? She will question herself and how all of those around her see her. Unfairly.

Lastly, I would feel extremely unneverved if someone came into my room and turned off my nightlight I needed and awoke in the dark :-/ just as if I had a guest I would never dream of walking into their room whilst they slept.

I never comment on things but this really struck a nerve. It's awful to imagine you talk about this kind sounding lady behind her back

Caring that she might appear ostentatious by taking a holiday is thinking of others. Sacrificing her bus journey for the older lady is caring. But you see it’s all on her terms.
Also just because people are different doesn’t means they’re autistic. On MN you have to all think the same or you’re ND!

*you say

Wanting your favourite song played a couple of times is ok. What does she say when you all naturally say no that’s enough now? Does she laugh it off or not see that it’s not for everyone?

Spot on darling. X

Omg burn her at the stake for not being bland enough! I think she might need to find new friends who are a bit more chill, it sounds hard work pretending to be (their definition of) normal with mates.

The only thing that would bother me is the lateness and even then I don't think I'd get worked up over it.

I do the exact same thing as her when I find a song I like and have been known to listen to the same song on repeat all day (although I don't think I'd force others to listen to it on repeat at a gathering)

She sounds mildly quirky but there is nothing there that warrants a "discussion" in my view.

You sound quite nasty to be honest. Not quite sure why you think your friend needs talking to either?!

If your friendship group all talk about her like this behind her back, I guarantee they are doing the same to you too.

I never use MN so I wouldn't know about other discussions about autism and the wide spectrum.

However I am diagnosed autistic. So are my sons, and I have a great amount of experience regarding 'quirks' which can sometimes (not always) be signs

My entire life, i was (and still am) treated poorly and as a 'weirdo' by people whom I believed were my friends too.

The description of this lady struck a chord with my own experiences

Obviously, she may just be a quirky lady, variety is the spice of life, they say. I was merely concurring with others and saying it could be a possibility?

Do you and your friends have a very rigid way of communicating, where no one actually says anything without it being a big discussion? Obviously not everyone communicates in the same way, but I feel like if one of my friends played the same song six or seven times at a party, I’d feel able to say “Oh bloody hell, I’ve heard that song so many times I could perform it myself! Can’t we have something else on?” It shouldn’t be that hard within a friendship. Similarly, I think the thing about the bus would have eventually just become a funny story.

A light on overnight costs pennies. How often is she staying over for this to be a problem? It’s not like she’s staying for a week and moaning about the heating not being on when she’s wandering around the flat in a vest top. (Can you tell this has happened to me?)

So she’s private, especially at work - good for her! I wish that was a lesson I’d learned in my twenties! Why does it bother you that she’s private? What actual harm did it do you not knowing she’d been to Greece?

The only thing I have any sympathy for you on is the lateness - and I say that as someone who really struggles with timekeeping. If it’s really causing problems when you’re trying to plan to meet her, it’s worth raising. But don’t bog it down in nonsense about “You left the light on at my place four months ago and it cost me threepence, plus you didn’t tell me where you went last Thursday”. It just takes away from any valid points.

They're not flatmates - she stayed over ONCE. Even if she stays over once a month, leaving the light on overnight probably adds up to the grand total of about 57p a year.

How much to do you think a lightbulb cost to run, per hour? It’s fractions of a penny. If the OP really begrudges her friend (“friend”) that, then I truly don’t know what to say.

The things you listed are all very minor (not even strange) and she sounds generally kind.

@LancelotsLeftArm
Running a 3W LED is estimated to cost £0.0005 per hour. This gives an average cost of £1.86 per year for each LED – but this is based on what's considered “normal” use, running the light for an average of 10 hours a day, 365 days a year.30 Nov 2022

Pretty much all light bulbs are LED now. But even if OP still has some halogen ones, they're still not going to cost more than 1p a night.

www.smart-light.co.uk/high-energy-prices-are-led-lights-more-cost-effective/#:~:text=So%20you%20could%20leave%20them,day%2C%20365%20days%20a%20year.

Everyone is different. It sounds like you're looking for an excuse to unfriend her.

You aren't a good friend OP. I wonder if your friends are discussing how nasty and judgmental you are behind your back 🤔

If I was the one on the bus with her, no 3 would have annoyed me but it’ll be funny at the same time but everything else is fine to me. My friend used to leave her light on as well when sleeping, I don’t tell people in my office my business and I also like having extra time to arrive at places so I always set the clock in my car or wrist watch to be 5 minutes faster. She’s not unusual in my opinion, you look like the unusual one to actually make note of these things

I'm sure you're long gone OP but I would re-frame this as you struggling to deal with your frustration, at your own inability to deal with your friend's unusual behaviour, in the moment.

I see this as being about you needing to learn to be gently assertive.

It sounds as though you're currently passive in the moment, then gossipy afterwards. That is not stellar behaviour on your part. You can up-skill your way out of it.

@Gm1987 I wasn’t referring to you in particular. It’s a common assumption on MN.