To hate myself and my small house

[Turnthecandleson]

I feel really really awful today.

I am a failure, we have a tiny house which we do own (mortgage) so I guess that’s something, but there’s hardly any space in it. I feel like I’m depriving my 4 year old of a decent life. We have one big room which also has a drop leaf table and chairs in it, along with a sofa, TV etc. So we spend basically all our time in one room. The kitchen is attached. We also have a small yard, but not enough room for a swing or slide or anything like that. Just planters and small shed.
Our son has an attic bedroom which is an awkward shape with a sloped ceiling on one side, which is fine at his age and height now, but as he gets older he won’t be able to stand up in that side of his room.
I kick myself a lot at the decision we made regarding this house. There were two we had to choose from when we were looking and I wanted this one because it has a beautiful view out the back windows, overlooks a hill with sheep grazing.
The other house would have been better in hindsight, okay it didn’t have the view this one does, but it had a big cellar for storage (we don’t have any shortage to speak of really) and had a kitchen with room for a table. Also a small bedroom (not attic) for our son.

Anyway, I’m not working currently, as we were struggling to afford childcare and I found my anxiety was getting really bad too, panic attacks etc so I was signed off and then ended up handing my notice in.

Life feels very bleak at the moment and almost pointless.
I’m very worried about our finances and currently we our outgoings are higher than our incomings.

I had so many plans when I left university, all my fellow graduates have gone on to get really good jobs, well paid and live comfortable lives. I even enrolled onto two post grad courses after uni and left halfway through both as my anxiety got the better of me and I didn’t feel I was good enough.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but when you say life feels bleak and pointless - have you had suicidal thoughts?

Life so very hard when you're under financial pressure, but lots of us are in the same boat. You are not alone, and you have your son. As long as you are together it doesn't matter where you live. Home is where you are.

If it helps at all, I live in a big house (not boasting, the interior hasn't been updated since the 70s in some rooms so it's large but it's shit 😅) and we tend to stick to one room (living room opening into the kitchen) because it's set up for the kids, it's the warmest and it's just easier.

You have alot of things most people would be very grateful for. Try to focus on the good stuff and reframe what you have. I know it's easy for me to say but seek help if it doesn't pass.

I’d get rid of the table and chairs out of the living room for a start. If you’re short on space, don’t clutter what space you do have.

It's completely unreasonable, but this isn't about reasonableness & I think you already know that.
You need to take your psychological well-being seriously in 2023 & there are lots of ways to do that.
No-one with a child and their own home has a pointless life or is a failure.
No-one has a pointless life, at all. And what is failure really?
Failure to see your luck? Failure to live your life? Your one wild and precious life, as Mary says.
Find a way.

I think this is your anxiety and possibly depression talking, because you are being a bit daft about the house. Don’t most people tend to have one main room downstairs? I know we do! And have you ever met an adult who said they had an unhappy childhood, asked them why and heard them say “I had an attic bedroom”? No! Your child is loved and supported and has a warm safe home. You haven’t failed there in any way

If it helps at all, I live in a big house (not boasting, the interior hasn't been updated since the 70s in some rooms so it's large but it's shit 😅) and we tend to stick to one room (living room opening into the kitchen) because it's set up for the kids, it's the warmest and it's just easier.

I don't get this type of post.

Op: I'm so sad I don't have x
Poster: I have x and it's not so great

Op : oh thanks I feel so much better I don't want it anymore - never

Ok, stop comparing yourself to others. Focus on you, the lovely things in your life, your DC, roof over your head.

Maybe spend some time organising a budget and sticking to it? I know it's hard with mortgage/food and energy bills what they are.

A visit to the GP about managing anxiety?

Self help books with a CBT focus. Life coach books etc.

You haven't failed either. You are out of your comfort zone at present, so may feel like failure.

Take each day as it comes. Write down everything you like about yourself and what you are grateful for.

Try not to dwell on things that drag you down if at all possible x

YABU; your anxiety is making you fixate. You have a home if your own and a healthy child. Millions of children grow up perfectly happily in smaller homes, please don’t worry.

@Turnthecandleson I had a little house then a big house and now a tiny house -

DS has never lived in a house with a lawn - he is happy - a shed would have been luxury for us

In all honesty I think if you think having a small house is the worst thing - I am not so sure . I know people with bigger houses but a nice house with every one having a bedroom even if small sounds great to me ( as I have done ) - my house storage - yes an issue but the house has upsides and downsides.

You are not a failure. Forget what your friends / cohort did your house sounds very nice. I see friends with big houses and I just no longer care , they have disadvantages to their houses as well - my house is lovely ( albeit small ) & Ds loves it)

Oops cross posted

Without sounding like I'm trying to minimise your feelings (I'm not), when we're under pressure / stressed / depressed, it's really easy to focus on what you don't have, rather than what you do have.

So, try take a moment to appreciate what you do have... a home, a much loved child and partner, a job to hopefully return to... And stop looking back at what you could have / should have bought. As I'm sure they'd have had other downsides that would have caused stress too. No home is ever perfect.

Instead, think to yourself that this is the situation now, and not necessarily the future. Are you be treated for your anxiety, if not, ask your GP for help / a referral. Do you know the triggers? Is the house being small making it worse?

Can you look at positive small steps to help your current situation and help you feel an element of control? Google space saving hacks, have a clear out, sell some items to raise extra cash, discover more of your local outside spaces. Can you look into roles working from home too?

Do you hope to fully return to work health permitting when your child goes to school FT? If so, you could look towards moving into a bigger home eventually, possibly even moving areas slightly to get more space for your budget.

I think if you can get help with anxiety and find ways to appreciate the positives in life, you should hopefully be able to feel so stressed by it all.

You're not a failure. Goodluck.

The view at the back of your house sounds lovely OP. If you had a big house the stress would be heating it and maintaining it - running costs aren't cheap. Like other posters have said, focus on the positives, declutter if you can and get the space working for you. As previously suggested, a chat with a GP might help x

Just one thing - I have a tiny house - I do not consider myself a failure. - Just to say

Sorry. My point was that containing yourself in one room is usual no matter what size your house is.

I understand op. I had 2 young children in a similar house with just one small room downstairs and no garden, just a small yard. It also had issues with black mould that the landlord never tackled. It was depressing as hell and exacerbated horrific panic attacks and anxiety. Anybody who thinks your environment isn’t important has most likely never had to live like that.

All I can say is that my mental health improved significantly when we moved. Is this something you could consider? In the meantime try and get out in nature as much as possible, it’s a real life saver when you’re living with anxiety, young children. and no outside space. Remember too that this isn’t forever, you can change your living situation in the future and things will get easier. Be kind to yourself for now op, lots of people are in similar situations- you’re not alone and definitely not a failure xx

@MeinKraft sorry, I realise that's probably unkind of me to quote you. Not a criticism at all I think it's well meant, I just wonder how it lands.

OP, your house sounds similar to the one I raised two children in. I loved it.
One room meant they grew up used to us all being together as a family, no going off separately, but spending time together, watching TV, talking. They're grown up now and we have two reception rooms, big kitchen, big bedrooms each, yet still we all sit together in the one room!
A big garden is nice, but no way does it compare with open countryside and hills right outside your window. So much more freedom for DC to play in the proper outdoors than a garden.
DCs bedroom might be an awkward shape, but it's his space and it will be cosy and familiar to him.
Your house might not be your dream, but it provides warmth and shelter for your family, and while you're in it together, it's your home.
I know you have other issues beyond your house, so I'm not trying to be a pollyanna and minimising it, but if you can try to reframe it with some positives it might help.

Your home sounds great OP. You have a 2 bedroom house & 1 child. There's no problem there. You are doing better in that respect that very many others. Please don't play the game of comparisons, comparison is the thief of joy.

Please do see your GP if you are feeling so low though.

You're having a bad spell. It will pass.

It is simply not true that all the people you were at college with now have really good jobs. Some do, some don't. Some are ill, some are lonely, some are struggling, some are deeply in debt, some are wealthy but unhappy, some are broke but happy, some are successful, some are thriving. You are only registering the wealthy and thriving ones.

Don't cherry-pick who you compare yourself with in a negative and critical way. You own a home, with a beautiful view, a room for your son and one for you, a living room too. If you lived in Tokyo that would be a palace, however wealthy you were.

Why not spend some time revamping the house a bit. Declutter and look up some clever storage designs for attic bedrooms and for combined living room diners. Could you add fold up bar stools so that you can have breakfast at the kitchen counter? Can you create more distinct zones in your living space so you don't feel like you are stuck in one room? Can you plan now for how to maximise time spent in the garden in summer with a fold out table and chairs? If you have a tree, can you hang a rope swing from it?

Some people hate them, but have you tried a gratitude diary? Write down three things every day that you are thankful for. Try to make them different things each day of the week. It can also help to keep a bounty diary - things you are given or offered for free - a neighbour dropping off some plant cuttings, a friend arriving with cookies, a shopkeeper offering free chocolate on its sell by date etc, any online yoga sessions or talks you attend. These journal entries help you realise how rich your life is, how full and how much life gives you. Has to be more fun than criticising yourself so harshly for being what someone on the outside would see as a totally normal person having a rough patch, as we all do, some time.

OP I’m so sorry to read that you’re feeling this way.

i also live in a very small house and feel a huge amount of guilt that my children don’t have the home that I feel they should have but I do try to remind myself that they could have a lot less.

Your son is so young still and I’m sure one day if you really want to you’ll be able to move somewhere bigger but even if you don’t do that it’s not the end of the world.

Try and focus on the positives op. Everyone will have their own problems and those with seemingly perfect lives on social media will be no different in reality.

I live in a very large house with DH and dc so I can't relate to lack of space. But it's rented. Gives me warm tingly feelings knowing I'm paying it off for someone else 🙄 There's constant worry each year that our contract won't be renewed. For many reasons I won't bore you with, we're unlikely to be able to buy in the next few years.

Your house is yours. You don't have to ask permission to paint a wall or buy your kid a cat or change the bathroom floor. There are hundreds of thousands of people who would love to have a home that's theirs - you have a huge positive right there. Focus on that and make your home work for you as best as possible.

Yeah no, i realise its insensitive now you point it out. Having less room definitely impacts your mental health if you're the kind of person who needs visual calm especially over Christmas when theres stuff everywhere. I lived in a really small house before moving here and having nowhere to put stuff was really stressful.

I do understand OP and there's no point any of us saying at least you don't have a mouse infestation/ceiling leak/avocado bathroom etc because that doesn't help you with your problem. I do think some mental health support from your GP would be a good idea

The view and the sheep grazing sound awesome. Have you got lots of walks nearby?
Can you take in some part time work from home at all? There are jobs like that around.
Try to focus on what's good about your home rather than what's not so good. Identify things you can change and focus on those things. Count your blessings and plan for the future

You might not have a big house for them but it sounds like you have a lot of love. There will be children growing up in big houses that have a lot less than your children do.

Instead of looking at the past and wallowing in it, why not start planning for the future.

The house is still suitable for a good few years until he is too big for the attic room.

Wouldn't it be better to focus on your mental health so you can be in a stronger position to go back to work when childcare eases off and you can then have another income coming in that in the future allows you to be in a position to move house.

Better to focus on this then continuing in limbo land feeling how you do because that won't help to change anything.