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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate myself and my small house

133 replies

Turnthecandleson · 30/12/2022 22:35

I feel really really awful today.

I am a failure, we have a tiny house which we do own (mortgage) so I guess that’s something, but there’s hardly any space in it. I feel like I’m depriving my 4 year old of a decent life. We have one big room which also has a drop leaf table and chairs in it, along with a sofa, TV etc. So we spend basically all our time in one room. The kitchen is attached. We also have a small yard, but not enough room for a swing or slide or anything like that. Just planters and small shed.
Our son has an attic bedroom which is an awkward shape with a sloped ceiling on one side, which is fine at his age and height now, but as he gets older he won’t be able to stand up in that side of his room.
I kick myself a lot at the decision we made regarding this house. There were two we had to choose from when we were looking and I wanted this one because it has a beautiful view out the back windows, overlooks a hill with sheep grazing.
The other house would have been better in hindsight, okay it didn’t have the view this one does, but it had a big cellar for storage (we don’t have any shortage to speak of really) and had a kitchen with room for a table. Also a small bedroom (not attic) for our son.

Anyway, I’m not working currently, as we were struggling to afford childcare and I found my anxiety was getting really bad too, panic attacks etc so I was signed off and then ended up handing my notice in.

Life feels very bleak at the moment and almost pointless.
I’m very worried about our finances and currently we our outgoings are higher than our incomings.

I had so many plans when I left university, all my fellow graduates have gone on to get really good jobs, well paid and live comfortable lives. I even enrolled onto two post grad courses after uni and left halfway through both as my anxiety got the better of me and I didn’t feel I was good enough.

OP posts:
zestysparkles · 30/12/2022 23:26

Fellow tiny houser here - there are some drawbacks, BUT I would still choose a smaller house again. If you're lacking storage then be creative. Do you have any unused alcoves, is your loft fully boarded? I know a lot of people with much bigger houses than us, but with so much stuff they aren't benefitting from the space at all! The grass is always greener.

OneFrenchEgg · 30/12/2022 23:26

Yeah no, i realise its insensitive now you point it out. Having less room definitely impacts your mental health if you're the kind of person who needs visual calm especially over Christmas when theres stuff everywhere. I lived in a really small house before moving here and having nowhere to put stuff was really stressful.

I'm glad you saw my apology - I'm really trying not to make anyone's day worse and thinking about my online interactions is one of my resolutions.

Op, it's very tough not to measure yourself against others, but you are usually measuring only one thing (money / property / job etc) and not the whole thing. My kids have tiny rooms - you can make the best of a small sloping roof with bed placement, decoration, mirrors - space for themselves is so important, however small.

Charlize43 · 30/12/2022 23:32

First, I'm sending you love because it sounds like you need it today. 💐

Situations can change. It's not about the house but about how you feel inside, and that can get better. Work on your outlook, count your blessings, and take small steps towards a better life.

Charlize43 · 30/12/2022 23:42

Blueberry40 · 30/12/2022 23:02

I understand op. I had 2 young children in a similar house with just one small room downstairs and no garden, just a small yard. It also had issues with black mould that the landlord never tackled. It was depressing as hell and exacerbated horrific panic attacks and anxiety. Anybody who thinks your environment isn’t important has most likely never had to live like that.

All I can say is that my mental health improved significantly when we moved. Is this something you could consider? In the meantime try and get out in nature as much as possible, it’s a real life saver when you’re living with anxiety, young children. and no outside space. Remember too that this isn’t forever, you can change your living situation in the future and things will get easier. Be kind to yourself for now op, lots of people are in similar situations- you’re not alone and definitely not a failure xx

Black mould can cause a lot of health issues, including fatigue which can then spiral into depression and mental health issues. No wonder you felt better once you'd moved!

Black mould should always be washed off with bleach or white vinegar is also good at killing off the fungus. It's not something that should be ignored.

RobertaFirmino · 30/12/2022 23:43

BasiliskStare · 30/12/2022 22:57

Just one thing - I have a tiny house - I do not consider myself a failure. - Just to say

Me neither. I live in a mid-terrace two-up, two-down. It is small. It cost me 40k, back in 2003 and I paid that off several years ago. Admittedly, I married a joiner so our limited space is well configured and we haven't converted the attic but I still consider myself to be winning at life.

Volhhg · 30/12/2022 23:48

I understand this. It gets me down raising a family in a small house with just a yard. It's the lack of storage space that's the killer because everyone has so much stuff and things like bikes and scooters monopolise hallway and yards. I regularly fantasise about having a cellar or pantry - what a crap fantasy ha!! The fact you have sheep nearby suggests to me that you have access to the country which is lovelier than any cellar. I think you end up nagging more because everyone has to be so much more conscientious about the spaces and it impacting the rest of the household, difficult with kids.

Victoria2022 · 30/12/2022 23:48

If it helps... I'm freshly single parent and have no idea where I will bring up my two children. I'm frightened with finances as I can't seem to balance my books and I don't live the high life.

But from your post I could almost feel the warmth and care you give your DC. That is worth more than a mansion. And it comes across as though you feel so low in mood that you might need some help with that; be it a book, a friend, a therapist or chemical intervention. Anything to get you back on the up.

You're far from a failure when you provide love, safety and a roof over your Dc head's as well as food and clothing. Also, I'm going to hazard a guess you won't live in that house forever. Life changes. But your Dc won't see it the same way you do, I guarantee you that.

HotChoxs · 30/12/2022 23:50

Larger house would have cost more to maintain and heat.

Crazyinlove123 · 30/12/2022 23:56

I had 2 children (one a teen), me and my partner in a tiny 2 bed house. I was only renting but was there for years and years and thought I would never get out. It affected my mental health and I felt claustrophobic. I also felt the guilt that my kids didn’t have their own space and the house was a mess because there were too many of us and too much stuff so I know how you feel. I can only suggest having a good clear out and try and work with the space you have until you are in the position to move. Clearing out and making more space will help you feel lighter.

DelphiniumBlue · 30/12/2022 23:57

You have a child and a house, lots of people would envy you. You sound as if you are quite young (under 30?) Plenty of people your age can't afford to move out of their parent's home, sounds like you've actually done quite well.
As money is tight, time to start thinking what you could do to bring in more income. You are obviously well educated, maybe you could tutor, or find something you can do when your child is in bed/being looked after by your partner.
Don't compare yourself to other people, focus on your own life.

Kanaloa · 31/12/2022 00:00

You own your own house. How big does it need to be for two parents and a young child? His bedroom is a bit small - but he has his own bedroom in a house his parents own. I’m not trying to be unsympathetic, but sometimes I do think people need to get a bit of resilience and look at what their life actually is. You own a home where you live with your healthy and happy child.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 31/12/2022 00:03

Can you make small changes to make it feel cosy? Like cushions and throws, maybe a different lampshade? Or just move the room around?
People have odd visions of success. You have a home and a dc who you love. Use your home as a base and get out and about for rainy walks and trips to the park. It’s just a base.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 31/12/2022 00:08

It's not forever OP, it's fine for now and you can always sell and move later. Having a house is great, it will only appreciate in value and sounds like you have an amazing view so try and focus on that. Also declutter or make better use of the space as PP have said

Mamaneedsadrink · 31/12/2022 00:11

MeinKraft · 30/12/2022 22:59

Sorry. My point was that containing yourself in one room is usual no matter what size your house is.

Show quote history

This is true. I have 3 lounges, and we're always only use the same one. It seemed so great at the time when we moved here, but you do tend to just stick to one room

fallfallfall · 31/12/2022 00:13

@Turnthecandleson actually could you post info about the layout and the the problem spots?
may people the world over live in smaller homes and there are some really clever ways to approach this even the yard.
so much can be done with lighting, paint colors, storage solutions, furniture sizing and placement.

Charlize43 · 31/12/2022 00:19

Mamaneedsadrink · 31/12/2022 00:11

This is true. I have 3 lounges, and we're always only use the same one. It seemed so great at the time when we moved here, but you do tend to just stick to one room

Show quote history

You can only be in one room at one time.

I also live in a small house but have never seen the need for a bigger one.

aintnothinbutagstring · 31/12/2022 00:29

What do you put in the shed - could you convert it into a playhouse/den for your son for the summer?

I know how you feel - my own dc have been brought up in tiny surroundings but they are happy and well adjusted children. Who knows what the future holds, circumstances change but we can appreciate what we have now and make the best of things. I always find new year a great time for spring cleaning, getting rid of things we don't need.

goingback · 31/12/2022 00:51

i think the anxiety is causing you to have these negative feelings toward your house. i have done this before and eventually moved and the house wasn't the problem. I hope you have spoken to your GP about it, maybe also download some well-being apps to help you learn to overcome your feelings and see the positives in your home and family life.

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 31/12/2022 00:57

Just DH and me in my house, so we have a reasonable amount of space, but at the moment, I can't afford to heat more than one room, so the extra space does nowt.

HotChoxs · 31/12/2022 01:00

goingback · 31/12/2022 00:51

i think the anxiety is causing you to have these negative feelings toward your house. i have done this before and eventually moved and the house wasn't the problem. I hope you have spoken to your GP about it, maybe also download some well-being apps to help you learn to overcome your feelings and see the positives in your home and family life.

Yeah I agree. I think it's more about the anxiety and financial situation than the house. The feelings of failure also not good.

Really when you take an outside perspective the OP has a house, a child, a partner, a degree and has hit some times as many people are at the moment. This is not in anyway a failure and picking a select group of peers to compare against is not helping.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2022 01:07

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.

What if we try to help you with sprucing up your house? We may have ideas for maximising your space that you haven't thought of.

Taking some steps to reorganise might help you gain a better perspective. It's clear you feel overwhelmed and that's an awful burden to carry around every day.

Bluebirds1987 · 31/12/2022 01:08

You're not a failure at all, you're doing your best and it's easy to feel like it's not good enough - but at 4 all your son needs is a safe happy home, a loving family and it sounds like he does have!
I'm sorry you're feeling shitty - are you able to seek help for your mental health - GP, or local wellbeing service? A lot of areas have a mental health service where you can self refer online but it sounds like a chat with your GP might help.
Re finances, can you access any extra help? There are lots of resources out there with the cost of living crisis at the moment, do you get UC or any other benefits? Can you check your local FB group or local mums FB group for organisations or charities or services that help to support struggling families? Can you access a food bank? Your son's health visitor might be able to signpost you too.

I don't think PPs telling you other people have it a lot worse will help - it doesn't change your situation, or make it any better. I think trying to change your perspective can help - making the most of what you do have and appreciating the good things.

Some of the best times and memories I've made have been just doing the stupidest things - playing games, throwing my DC about tickling them, pillow fights etc - those are the kind of things that are priceless and don't require a nice / big house or loads of money. But we can still feel rubbish for not having those things and that's ok. Please talk to someone about it, don't feel like a failure - you are absolutely not. Xx

harrassedmumto3 · 31/12/2022 01:09

You're being much too hard on yourself, OP Flowers

Baby steps ...

Schnooze · 31/12/2022 01:13

The house really isn’t your problem, it’s just you are focusing on that as part of your real problem - anxiety/depression. You need to see your doctor and get medication/counselling. Try self help books.
If something doesn’t work, go back to the doctors. Persevere. You can do this op.

DarkDarkNight · 31/12/2022 01:16

Is it really the house? I think as others have said it’s anxiety and depression talking. When my son was a baby I had a similar issue, I was fixated on the house and what a mistake it was. I could see one of the other houses we could have bought from where we lived and I berated myself constantly.

When my anxiety is very bad I find the rumination unbearable. I think you need some help to deal with this.