To hate myself and my small house

[Turnthecandleson]

I feel really really awful today.

I am a failure, we have a tiny house which we do own (mortgage) so I guess that’s something, but there’s hardly any space in it. I feel like I’m depriving my 4 year old of a decent life. We have one big room which also has a drop leaf table and chairs in it, along with a sofa, TV etc. So we spend basically all our time in one room. The kitchen is attached. We also have a small yard, but not enough room for a swing or slide or anything like that. Just planters and small shed.
Our son has an attic bedroom which is an awkward shape with a sloped ceiling on one side, which is fine at his age and height now, but as he gets older he won’t be able to stand up in that side of his room.
I kick myself a lot at the decision we made regarding this house. There were two we had to choose from when we were looking and I wanted this one because it has a beautiful view out the back windows, overlooks a hill with sheep grazing.
The other house would have been better in hindsight, okay it didn’t have the view this one does, but it had a big cellar for storage (we don’t have any shortage to speak of really) and had a kitchen with room for a table. Also a small bedroom (not attic) for our son.

Anyway, I’m not working currently, as we were struggling to afford childcare and I found my anxiety was getting really bad too, panic attacks etc so I was signed off and then ended up handing my notice in.

Life feels very bleak at the moment and almost pointless.
I’m very worried about our finances and currently we our outgoings are higher than our incomings.

I had so many plans when I left university, all my fellow graduates have gone on to get really good jobs, well paid and live comfortable lives. I even enrolled onto two post grad courses after uni and left halfway through both as my anxiety got the better of me and I didn’t feel I was good enough.

I don't like my small house and never feel motivated to make better storage. Anxiety maybe, but dont know how to fix it. I have ideas and clear out sometimes but unless you don't buy stuff for months the same lack of space happens.
You feel like what's the point of tidying.

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Hopefully these feeling will pass, but for now, try to see how you can make things a little better with small steps.
Christmas, winter and dark nights have probably meant you’ve been indoors a lot more than you’d like. Things seem magnified when you’re surrounded by them each day.
Hopefully in the new year, when nursery/schools reopen, you won’t feel as trapped by the four walls of your home.
Anxiety can make you feel despairing so try to get all the help & support that you can.q
All the very best.

Please don’t beat yourself up op!
the fact that you want the best for your DC means that you’re a loving and thoughtful parent. All you can do is make the best life you can for you and yours. If you’re struggling at the moment then maybe try and talk to your GP, like others have said. You won’t be the first parent who’s been there - I know I have! And it helped me immensely….
Good luck op 💐

If it helps, we're in a one bedroom flat,(table and everything also in the living room) so your kid has at 4 a lot more space than my DD(11) has since she still shares a room with us. It is what it is.

If you wouldn't call me a failure or anything else nasty, please don't do that to yourself either. Award yourself at least the kindness you would a stranger.

I grew up in a house like that - until 17. My parents and me. When I was 17 we moved to a larger house.

my fondest memories were of our first home - there was laughter, and I always felt happy and safe. It was my home.

i never once felt it was too small for us nor was I ever ashamed - it was my home and I never once needed to compare with others. That house served us really well.

you are in no way failing your child.

It sounds as if your anxiety is holding you back there. Could you make an appointment to talk to your doctor about it in the New Year?

If you could get that sorted, you could get a job and stop worrying about money. And put a plan together to get to the place you want to be.

As an aside, most boys spend their childhoods on their knees putting lego together or out in the park kicking a ball. When they become teenagers they lie on their beds looking at their phones and then go to the park and kick a ball. So they really spend very little time standing up in their bedrooms.

Op I'm just wondering how big your rooms are ? Maybe people could help you think of a way to make it feel bigger. Maybe gain a bit of space 🤔

Your anxiety is the issue, not the house.
You have a home, that is what matters.
You think it is small, but it means you spend less time taking care of it. Spend more time out doors playing.
Not everyone has a yard . You can turn the yard into a a nice outdoor area just to play.
You can make your small home beautiful.

Please do not compare yourself with others and about size. You have the biggest love for your children, and now you got to love yourself. You are more than good enough.

Sounds like my home. I used to feel sad, until my husband pointed out that many would love our house, and I could be homeless. Made me gain a better perspective on our small house!

"I had so many plans when I left university, all my fellow graduates have gone on to get really good jobs, well paid and live comfortable lives."

Believe me: you never know what goes on behind closed doors!

You sound like a great success to me. You have a child, a partner, a house with a view.

Try to count the blessings. At the moment, you are counting the negatives, that is fine. But tomorrow count the blessings.

Some people might not agree with me, but I think it is sometimes good to dwell on negative thoughts... if only to GET RID OF these same negative thoughts (rather than put them away and let them fester).

Can I tell you a secret? From what you write, I envy you. I am sure your son is much loved and a very happy and lucky child.

@Charlize43 - I like that. My parents have a much bigger house than me but as my mother said once - you can only sit in one chair at once re your comment "You can only be in one room at one time." - Now - they (parents ) have a big house with multiple freezers . storage , various sitting rooms garage - but I do get her point. & my house is tiny but in a nice place so it's a compromise - I would not swap my house for my parents - they live somewhere I would not want to live - it suits them - it would not suit me.

A lot of kids (my 2 grandkids for starters) live in tiny flats with no garden at all. As long as your home is warm and filled with love and happiness your DS will be grand.

have 6oy considered swapping tables? I changed mine for a long breakfast bar type table thats thin but long. it goes against the wall and Is only one plate wide but seat
s four along the wall. now we have floor space

@Aquarius1234

I'm an Aquarian too 😊

Try looking up Dana K White on you tube. She is very down to earth. She struggled all her life to 'get organised & have a house that wasn't stuffed to the gills. She tried every organising/decluttering 'method' known to man, but in the end had to find (create) a system that worked for her. She wanted to be a writer, but felt she couldn't be until she sorted her house out. So she started an anonymous blog & know she helps hundreds of thousands of people to 'get their house under control'. She has books & stuff, but (obviously) her you tube videos are all free. Her system is great, progress & making the space better, never worse! Give her a chance to help you.

It's not the same op but many people live in one room.my parents could have an army of baboons in their lounge and not no.they live in the kitchen that has sofa,tv,table in.
Your child needs you.kids have had alot worse than you and been perfectly contented. This is an inside job I'm afraid.this is how your feeling about yourself.not what yiubl little feels.
For now his attic room is probably every kids dream. His little cove.
Don't put yourself down.it sounds like your making really sensible decisions.childcare etc.
Try and valve put some moments to play.or do something you enjoy.even 10 minutes of a box set or meditation.try gathering your mental wellbeingvagain. Even journaling.
Before you go to bed name 3 silly things your grateful for. Upon waking another.
So many people or worried about money op .your are DEFINITIVELY NOT alone there.is there anything in your controlto help that side of things though?
What can you do this weekend that could make you smile.draw.read.park.free activity? Do it.the world's a bit scary right now.hold right and be really thankful for all u have and your family.

@Turnthecandleson
I'm very sorry you're feeling like this. As many others have said you're not a failure! You have your own (mortgaged) home.

you haven't yet 'used your degree', but you still have plenty of time!

your DS is actually a very lucky boy! He has a mum (parents?) that love him & look after him, he's loved, fed & although this should be a given -isn't) isn't abused.

Attic bedrooms are brilliant. Kids play on the floor, or in their beds. They don't stand around like grazing animals 😁

DS has his own room, in a safe home. It's a LOT more than far too many kids!

Hes 4, if he doesn't 'have enough space to play' he has too much stuff! Declutter. He'll enjoy what he has more if he can access what he has & it's easy to tidy.

As for one room downstairs. I get the envy of bigger houses with 'live in' kitchens & separate utility etc etc. my current home is tiny, it would fit in the utility/boot room/kitchen of one of my previous homes. It was a big house, with a lovely garden, in a fabulous area etc and yes, it ws brilliant for entertaining

but, 'life'...

i love my little flat, it doesn't even have a yard & it doesn't have a beautiful view. But it's MINE & as long as I prioritise the mortgage, no one can take it off of me & I am incredibly thankful of that security. The rental market is a scary place, especially right now.

planters and a small shed, many of us would have given anything for that during covid lock downs & even now.. There's space to sit outside with a coffee/ice lolly and for DS to play with a few toys or have a small paddling pool. It sounds like you live in a lovely place where you can go for a walk & Play.

DS must be at school or going in Sept so childcare costs will be a lot lower. It has its difficulties too, but that's just life.

Take some time now to think about what you want to do career wise & map out a long term plan to achieve it You have a degree, so you have the ability to work towards a good job.

Get help (more help) with your anxiety etc & you'll see you're no failure! You have your life ahead of you with your DS, it's FAR from pointless - you just need to be able to see it for yourself!!

I agree with ops that your anxiety might be causing you to fixate and also think there's something to be said for a smaller house. We have a big house because we looked after elderly relatives who have now died. It's left us with more space than we need and what happens is none of my children spend any time in the same room together and barely ever with us. I often wish we had a smaller house so they had learnt o enjoy each others company and to spend more time with us. But this is what they're used to now and it's too late to change it. Please don't wish your small house with its amazing view away 💕

First of all your house sounds lovely and don’t spend time regretting a decision you can’t change.

Secondly, you might not be able to change things now but in the future things could be different. You might find a job that suits you better and makes you feel less anxious. Or you might feel better after some support from your gp. Then in the future moving might be an option. For now don’t worry about what you can’t change and try to make the most of the house you have.

Life is hard.

Your son won't be that bothered now, maybe when he's older but you've got time to sell and move somewhere else.

It's not your fault.

It's the fault of generations of rubbish politicians.

People can barely afford anything now, there are so many in the same boat as you.

Housing costs a fortune, life costs a fortune, wealthy are very rich. Normal people have never had it so bad.

I blame the tories.

The problem lies with you, not the house.n

It sounds like you're feeling powerless now you're no longer working.

Houses can always be sold so that's not really the issue. It's the money.

Did you claim tax free childcare?

You mentioned you have a degree which is a big advantage. Can you start looking at options for jobs while you're off and have a bit of headspace, so that as your MH stabilises you can start applying for new work.

Once your DS starts school, your childcare costs will gradually become more affordable, and your job will become better paid, which will be a positive cycle for you. It all feels overwhelming atm but it will get better.