To hate myself and my small house

[Turnthecandleson]

I feel really really awful today.

I am a failure, we have a tiny house which we do own (mortgage) so I guess that’s something, but there’s hardly any space in it. I feel like I’m depriving my 4 year old of a decent life. We have one big room which also has a drop leaf table and chairs in it, along with a sofa, TV etc. So we spend basically all our time in one room. The kitchen is attached. We also have a small yard, but not enough room for a swing or slide or anything like that. Just planters and small shed.
Our son has an attic bedroom which is an awkward shape with a sloped ceiling on one side, which is fine at his age and height now, but as he gets older he won’t be able to stand up in that side of his room.
I kick myself a lot at the decision we made regarding this house. There were two we had to choose from when we were looking and I wanted this one because it has a beautiful view out the back windows, overlooks a hill with sheep grazing.
The other house would have been better in hindsight, okay it didn’t have the view this one does, but it had a big cellar for storage (we don’t have any shortage to speak of really) and had a kitchen with room for a table. Also a small bedroom (not attic) for our son.

Anyway, I’m not working currently, as we were struggling to afford childcare and I found my anxiety was getting really bad too, panic attacks etc so I was signed off and then ended up handing my notice in.

Life feels very bleak at the moment and almost pointless.
I’m very worried about our finances and currently we our outgoings are higher than our incomings.

I had so many plans when I left university, all my fellow graduates have gone on to get really good jobs, well paid and live comfortable lives. I even enrolled onto two post grad courses after uni and left halfway through both as my anxiety got the better of me and I didn’t feel I was good enough.

And this reassures and encourages the OP how exactly?

Hi OP,
I think if possible it would be a good idea for you to get a job around your partner so childcare isn’t an issue. Depending on your partner’s job that could be (a couple of) evenings or weekends in retail, hospitality or care or anything else you fancy.

There is no shame in an honest days work. It would give you the chance to get out, socialise, distract you and build up your confidence. It would also take the pressure off rising bills.

I work with adults with learning disabilities. I have a degree and a MSc from way back when. I love my job - it’s a nice working environment, it’s just right for me and my work life balance at the moment. Not needing to think of work when I’m not there suits me great.

When my son was little I worked Fri, Sat, Sun evenings in a shop. I only earned minimum wage but no deductions so it was all mine and I hadn’t been working when he was a baby so a bit extra.

I think it might do you the world of good.

Like you I have a view across hills it’s why we bought our house. I regularly stand looking at it, I watch the seasons change, we have kites flying, geese migrate here in the winter and in the summer the swallows arrive, we have bats flying at night I love watching the seasons change, the trees changing colour the heather on the hills, we have sheep in the fields and in a few months there will be lambs everywhere, they make me laugh as they play games with each other I’m lucky I can see the sun rise and set, I can watch the weather, pissing rain at present, mist, fog bright sunny days. I wouldn’t swop my view and house for all the money in the world. At your DC’s age he won’t care about it that much but you could take time out everyday just 5 mins and just enjoy it, that’s why you chose that house it must resonate somewhere deeply inside you I find it really helps helps my mental health.
If you have little or no light pollution take you DC into the garden at night or look out of a window maybe the window in his attic room and look at the stars; count them decide which is the brightest the biggest etc a an uninterrupted view across hills will make this great fun. Buy a child’s book on astronomy see what you can identify. Sometimes I stand looking at the stars in total awe and our amazing universe.

Our old house was like that. I always felt it more in winter as we were home so much more. We did move eventually.

I we made really good use of our yard. Swings and slides are for the park. You can still fit in mud kitchens, hang games on the fences etc.

This is gonna sound eccentric …

but could you consider getting rid of some furniture? I went Japanese style with bean bag chairs and a low table which we sit down to eat at and which doubles as a coffee table.

Visitors would find it awkward but I never entertain at home as too cramped 😂

I would focus on getting back into work OP as you mentioned that your outgoings are higher than your incoming funds.
Not only is this a very stressful way to live it puts you in a precarious position with regards to paying your mortgage I assume? A small house is better than no house and a completely knackered credit rating!!
If I were you I would be finding some evening or weekend work around my husbands hours, or when your child starts school see if you can find something in school hours? There are plenty of holiday clubs he could attend if you do find something.
You're not a failure but sitting in your house thinking about it all day every day isn't doing you any good, you need to get proactive at this point especially with regards to your income.

While a big house is a nice thought, consider the idea that it's called a "living room" for a reason. People do tend to spend all if their time at home in one room (we certainly do, and it was the same growing up). Could you find a way to make the room feel a bit more cozy? Softer lighting, nice smells, calming colours, etc. It sounds superficial, but genuinely makes a difference with many people's mental wellbeing.

I also have anxiety with panic attacks and your post truly resonates with me. It feels like you have done everything right, but nothing has wound up the way it should. But honestly, you are doing so well. And while it doesn't help being told not to worry, you don't need to. As long as you are raising your DC in a loving and safe home, you are doing everything that your DC needs.

Take care of yourself!

I think you need to get some medical help for your anxiety and take it from there. Maybe then you could go back to work and upsize. You’ll need to look at that anyway if your outgoings exceed your income.

I don’t have a big house either and while over the years I have kind of wished I’d stretched myself and yes there are things about this house I don’t love im
pretty pleased now I didn’t given how much everything is going up.

You're not a failure op. But your feelings are valid as you aspire to more than you have and can't see a way to improve things given your finances are on an uneven keel right now.
If you live in Cumbria all residents have access to talking therapy through First Steps which is good and you can self refer, don't have to go through your gp.
I was feeling similar to you and used that to help support me through it. It really genuinely helped. Just having an objective 3rd party to discuss things with so I wasn't moaning to friends and family was ace, as I didn't want to burden my nearest and dearest, and when I did I felt worse, so someone else to talk to and discuss things with constructively was great, i used the tools we talked about and it made a difference. If you're not in Cumbria there might be similar in your area.
I got myself a job in a supermarket that fitted round the kids (very early start and home before DH went to work), it lifted our finances enough to make ends meet and things started to get brighter. I feel like I can make plans now.
If it helps to know, I live in a really really tiny house (if I want to walk to the bathroom from the kitchen and someone is stood in the lounge (lounge,kitchen,diner is all one tiny room) I have to tell them where I'm walking to so they know which way to step aside as there isn't enough room to walk round someone) my kids are 10 and 12 and share one tiny bedroom, and they are quite happy. They don't notice the small and their memories are of feeling safe and cosy. So I think your son is fine and will be fine as long as he's loved, it really is the key to it all. ❤️
Oh and don't get rid of your table, it is far too useful and not having one will make your mental health worse for that reason, it's good you can fold it down. In my tiny house we joke that everything has to earn it's space. If it's useful it stays, if it isn't, it goes.
Incidentally, this was amusing to me, we had friends visit us from Singapore, we apologised for the space as most visitors find it awkward. They were baffled as it is completely normal by Singapore standards (wealthy couple, where they live it is really rare to have much personal space in your home).
Your situation is real and how you feel is too, but things can improve and will, reach out for some help, you've made a start here, so that's a good first step.

Can I just say how refreshing it is to see people on here disagree with each other in a polite and measured way?! It’s a shame it’s so unusual that I feel the need to comment on it!

Back to the OP, when my mental health is on the downward slope I always feel more dissatisfied with my surroundings. I’d try to declutter and plan how to maximize the space you have with clever storage etc.

I grew up in a tiny house. I didn't even realise how small it was until we sold it after my parents died and I saw the floor plan- it was half the square metres of the house we live in now which is fairly modest sized. My point is that your son won't know any different, so you need to stop fixating on somehow failing him because you aren't. As others have already said it sounds like you need some professional help to deal with your feelings as to be blunt you have what so many people can only dream of - a secure roof over your head and a family of your own.

How do you expect OP to eat her meals? Balancing on the knee is not a nice way to eat.

Oh OP, it’s really easy to feel crap by comparing to others. You need to find a way to stop this.

Our three children all have attic bedrooms, each bed is under the sloped ceiling, it’s fine! Cosy! No plans to move.

Asian style. Get a square table and gather on the floor atop cushions. It will double as a coffee table. I got rid of both the dining set and the couch by doing this (I was used to it though culturally)

People will slate me for suggesting this but it’s a space saver.

Fold down table attached to the wall or a drop leaf table that can be pushed away might be good for space saving

I was born in a large house, then moved to a flat, inner city, but I loved it there, with Mum and Dad and my sister, that's what made me happy, warmth and love.
Please don't feel your son is missing out, because he really isn't.
I feel you should talk to someone about being down, though, it's not fair you should feel this way.

My cousins grew up in a house that sounds like yours. They both had attic rooms. I envied their home and childhood so much. Their house was so full of warmth and family and love. I would have swapped our big house any day.

This is a really important thing to remember. Unless you're seriously several to a bedroom, no privacy overcrowded, the size of your house does not dictate the happiness of your childhood. That comes from love, security, fun and laughter. Confidence and self worth arising from who you are, not what you have.
Somewhere along the line OP you've forged a strong link between your happiness and value as a person and the extent of your material acquisitions. Breaking this link for your child, so they value what matters, and their self esteem doesn't rest on material wealth, which can wax and wane outside of our control, is a precious gift.

Thanks for all the replies.

Here are a few pics of our house for anyone who wants to offer any advice.

One pic is tbd view out of the back window.

You've had some lovely wise and encouraging responses. I hope you've had some comfort. Your fireplace is fantastic and the view is uplifting. Your little boy's room is delightful - I'm sure he loves it! Hopefully people will have some storage ideas for you.
Take care of yourself.

(I've lived in a house I've hated - so I understand a little of how you feel. Fortunately we were able to move eventually. Hopefully, you will too) .

I would love to live in your house, OP. It looks cosy and inviting.

Oh OP it looks lovely, warm, clean and cosy. The fireplace is great and you have beautiful views. Tbink its a case of just getting it working for how you want to use it.

Your house looks fab, and love the view.

If it makes you feel any better I live in a small house with a tiny backyard and my 4 yo doesn't even have his own room - he shares with us. Icing on the cake is that we privately rent so it's not even out own small house

I love it! Don't know if it's just the pictures but it doesn't look as small as I'd thought by your post.
I know a grown man who had an attic room about that size, the sloped bit where the bed is had been turned into storage for clothes, then there was room for a small double, a bedside cabinet and the TV was on the wall. You'll make it work as he grows, have faith in yourself. As PP say, seek help for the anxiety, try and concentrate on the positive