To hate myself and my small house

[Turnthecandleson]

I feel really really awful today.

I am a failure, we have a tiny house which we do own (mortgage) so I guess that’s something, but there’s hardly any space in it. I feel like I’m depriving my 4 year old of a decent life. We have one big room which also has a drop leaf table and chairs in it, along with a sofa, TV etc. So we spend basically all our time in one room. The kitchen is attached. We also have a small yard, but not enough room for a swing or slide or anything like that. Just planters and small shed.
Our son has an attic bedroom which is an awkward shape with a sloped ceiling on one side, which is fine at his age and height now, but as he gets older he won’t be able to stand up in that side of his room.
I kick myself a lot at the decision we made regarding this house. There were two we had to choose from when we were looking and I wanted this one because it has a beautiful view out the back windows, overlooks a hill with sheep grazing.
The other house would have been better in hindsight, okay it didn’t have the view this one does, but it had a big cellar for storage (we don’t have any shortage to speak of really) and had a kitchen with room for a table. Also a small bedroom (not attic) for our son.

Anyway, I’m not working currently, as we were struggling to afford childcare and I found my anxiety was getting really bad too, panic attacks etc so I was signed off and then ended up handing my notice in.

Life feels very bleak at the moment and almost pointless.
I’m very worried about our finances and currently we our outgoings are higher than our incomings.

I had so many plans when I left university, all my fellow graduates have gone on to get really good jobs, well paid and live comfortable lives. I even enrolled onto two post grad courses after uni and left halfway through both as my anxiety got the better of me and I didn’t feel I was good enough.

So do you judge people who can only afford flats? I grew up in a third floor flat, no view, and probably half the square footage of your house. My parents did not fail me, I had a lovely childhood. Get some help because that's a very unreasonable thing to be upset about!

I mean, we all want more. We all made mistakes. Everyone is doing what they can. There's enough shit to stress you out, having a lovely but small house is not one of them!

My house is also small, I'm thanking my lucky stars I'm not in a bigger property with bigger energy bills.

I think your anxiety is getting on top of you, when I suffered it always came out as health anxiety. Are you on any medication to help keep it under control ?

I think it's lovely, really cosy. If it makes you feel better, my bedroom is smaller than your son's!

Big hugs. I think it's highly likely that your anxiety is getting funnelled into this issue and if you weren't feeling so anxious then this problem would be more of annoyance than a feeling of failure. You sound like a wonderful mum. Please see your GP asap, and try to be kind to yourself.

Plus You OWN it! I'll only ever be able to rent, you're so far ahead, you're just seeing what you think is holding you back, and not really seeing the good things, I'm not saying this to make you feel worse, but as much as I get annoyed with my house, sometimes I just stand and think: I'm in a fairly good but small rented house, in a nice village, in a relatively good country, in a relatively good time in history. I'm so lucky, this would be someone else's fantasy

NB my boys also have rooms at the top of the house, in the eaves. When they were younger and there were lots of toys we put low IKEA storage all along it, then when they got older we moved out the units and tucked the beds in there so they've never had to stand in that bit of the room.

There was a lovely thread on here a while ago about the good memories people had from their childhoods. The overwhelming majority were simple things like movie nights snuggling under a blanket on the sofa or Mum playing silly games with them, or Dad taking them shopping or whatever. Most people acknowledged it was the feeling of being safe and secure and loved for who you are. I don’t think anyone said ‘a big bedroom’ or ‘large house’. I’m honestly not downplaying it from your perspective, it can be so hard without as much space as you’d like, but your house looks beautiful from your photos and your son is no more or less likely to have a lovely childhood than someone in a house four times the size. You are definitely not a failure!

We. have such a smaller house than many of Ds's friends but they like being here. I think your house looks lovely. Doesn't matter a jot I think if smaller than friends' Looks bigger than mine 😊