Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

He already told me that he would prefer it if I stayed at home with the baby for the first few years and focus on raising it rather than working. By the time those few years are over, I'd imagine the child will be going to school anyway so I won't really need a childminder and will work part-time. The issue is, I like the job I'm in, right now, at the place I work at. I won't be able to just quit for a few years and come back as I please, that job won't still be there. I could go somewhere else I suppose, but the location of this job is fantastic for me like I couldn't have done better in terms of location and my boss is FANTASTIC.

I've told him before that I feel it's unfair how every single thing in my life will change and his life will stay mostly the same and that's why I feel hesitant to have a child. I've already had this whole discussion with him before but I suppose for him it's just me, me, me.. I want a child so put everything you want aside and accommodate for me and my wants. I have my mum, but she doesn't live as close so I only see her during time off from work so every month or so. I do call her all the time though. I also have lots of friends.

OP, it’s plainly obvious this man does not love you. No good husband would prioritise his mother over his wife. No good husband would prioritise his career over his wife’s.

If he wants a baby he needs to pay for it, feed it, rock it to sleep, and wipe its arse. For YEARS. Why should that be solely your job? Why is he putting his career over the beauty of being a father??

FWIW, my husband and I are both professionals. We are taking shared parental leave so he gets 5 months off with the baby and I can keep my sanity go back to work. He is excited to spend time with his child and take care of them. We split our costs equally, so neither of us is shouldering the financial burden alone. Even pension contributions are considered. We both value our careers and we are both going back to work full time and our happy little baby will have some wonderful social time at nursery. The most important thing is for infants to have happy, well-rounded, nourished parents. It just doesn’t sound like being a SAHM will nourish you, and someone that loves you wouldn’t force you to live a life that will ultimately make you sad or stop you from thriving.

Even with your MIL and renting a house, if we were in your shoes, my DH wouldn’t even blink. He would get a house to rent because the most important thing is that we are happy (and I’d do the same for him!).

I’m saying this so you can see that the way you’re being treated isn’t normal. It’s not acceptable. In my opinion it is abusive and absolutely is not something you have to or should live with or put up with.

Think about this too: I’ve been really poorly in pregnancy (often the case!) and DH has had to do a lot of my share of the household chores. Would your DH understand how physically demanding it is to build a human inside your body, and cook and clean for you? For MONTHS?

A lot of the PP are advising you leave your DH. Is this something you would really do? If not, as a minimum, I suggest you get marriage counselling with a licensed professional.

Your DH sounds abusive.

Ps this is child #1… in my early 30s!!

Sorry I've not finished the thread yet but got to this part and had to reply.
Your not prioritising your job as a mother if you want to go back to work?
But he can go to work? So he's not prioritising his job as a father. Double standards here and personally I see a lot of red flags from this and many of your other comments!

All this is assuming you have a normal pregnancy, with an uncomplicated birth, and a child with no issues. That is not guaranteed. It's something you do need to take into consideration. If your career is important to you, then you really should focus on that first. The longer you work, the more experience you will have, which will be more favourable for when you want to get a job again one day. It will be much harder if you've only worked 2 years and then done nothing for min 4-5 years.

Then, if you have more children...

@Unsure1748 i’m sorry to sound unkind but reading your posts is like watching someone bang their head on a brick wall and wonder why they have a headache.

You are married to an awful person and moving out of your MIL’s house will not change that. You already know that your DH expects you to be home, barefoot, looking after his children and shackled to the kitchen sink. You already know that your DH has no intention of doing his share of parenting or looking after your home. As the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, if you have children with this man you will be back here in 10 years complaining about the state of your life. You are only 26, why not aspire to a better life for yourself and just leave this wretched excuse of a man and start again?

I’m going to go against the grain here a little bit.

You definitely should hold off having kids and enjoy your marriage and build your career. Plenty of time for kids later.

But I think you should let your MIL care for the kids if she’s willing to do so. For one, she may not get along with you but maybe she’d be brilliant with kids.

A lot of older people (especially from other cultures) have traditional beliefs, but I wouldn’t worry too much about her passing them on—kids tend to look to peers for their values, not someone several generations removed.

My own grandparents came from traditional cultures — their beliefs very … old-fashioned. But they loved me and my siblings very much and that’s what was important.

Would you consider splitting up from him? It's not going to end well. You have different values - he's too traditional, and is trying to force you into a traditional relationship that you don't want. You will not be happy with him.

Issue probably stems from the age gap.

At 30 it's understandable why he's eager for parenthood. At 26, it's understandable why you are not ready.

You married the wrong man OP. You are only 26. it happens.

Get out. Don't get pregnant. Have your life with someone who doesn't reduce you as your dh has done and who stands up for you to his (insane) mother and who understands that you and your dh are a unit separate from MIL and FIL. your dh is not any of those things.

I just had to comment to say - please leave this guy and find someone who respects you. He is showing you exactly who he is already and telling you how it will al work. He does not respect you or what you want or think. Your problem is not your MIL it is your DH.
I can guarantee you if you don't leave in 10 years you will have 3-4 kids, your MIL will constantly criticise you, your DH will do nothing about it and you will have lost your career, your self-worth and yourself.
Have you discussed this with your mum, sister, friends, do they really think he is a good guy because I think he is bordering on abusive and once you have kids it will really kick in.

OP you ARE NOT LISTENING. People are trying so so so hard to make you see that this is not a good relationship between you and this man you've ended up with. He's selfish, misogynistic, overly attached to his Mum and controlling to the point of financial abuse.

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH THIS MAN. EVER. Leave. Find someone who respects you, your boundaries, your time and your career. This fucker wants a cross between an incubator so he can proudly hand the baby over to Mummy, a housewife and a cleaner. He is not a good man, he would be a terrible father and he's an unsupportive arsehole of a husband.

@Elliania

You’re wasting your breath, mate.

Just wait for the thread in two years when she’s had the baby, her husband is being a prick a lot money and allowing the MIL to continue the abuse.

Mumsnet is kept alive by women living in denial and the rest of us screaming at them to wake up. Then we get told we’re victim blaming when we asked why the fuck they had a baby.

OP, I'm sorry you're in such situation. I'm glad your family and friends are your support, make sure you stay close to them.

Firstly, you need to tell your husband your MIL is not part of your marriage. She has no say when as if you have children and how they are raised. And although she offers free childcare, you don't want her taking care of any children. OP, you're wrong in thinking that those first few years are not that important. Your child is developing rapidly and will be under massive influence of everyone responsible for their care. And I can just imagine your MIL undermining everything you do and your husband backing her up.

Secondly, your husband needs to not only stop pressuring you, which is completely unacceptable and possibly ground for divorce, but he also needs to understand it's 2022, not 1950. You are partners, but he's treating you like a baby machine, and once you've had his baby and gave up your career, you'll be completely dependent on him. That's not partnership. Why can't he be SAHP if he doesn't want to use paid childcare?

Your career is as important to you as it is to him. As parents both of your lives will change, but it sounds like he wants you to sacrifice everything, so that his life will remain the same. Don't let him do that. Also ask him why he want children if he wants his mum and you to do everything? Does he think he can just play a little with the child and that's his contribution? And do you want your children to grow up with such example of lack of partnership?

I'd be seriously questioning my marriage in your shoes and definitely questioning having any children with your husband. It sounds like he may turn abusive once you get pregnant. At the very least he needs to know how serious this is and that he needs to change. Then you need to ask yourself if you trust him to change?

I think it is pretty obvious from your posts OP that whilst this may not be an arranged marriage it is certainly a marriage where the culture of the MIL is not from a British background.

You may or may not have the same heritage but live by current British values and expectations of a modern British woman.

Your DH has one and a half feet in both camps. He has the lifelong misogyny indoctrinated into him by his mother (and no doubt his father). However has been bought up in this country and part of him knows how to talk the talk in order to attract a smart educated woman like yourself. He will know the right words to say in order to allay any fears that you may have had regarding old fashioned, paternalistic ideology...

.... but that stuff is hard wired ! . A typical example is where you say 'he would like me to be a SAHM for a few years as he thinks I need to be there for the milestones - first words, steps etc ... ' WTF !! How about YOU tell him that he will be taking equal parental leave as you ? As it's him that really wants a kid. ? How about HE becomes a SAHD so HE doesn't miss the milestones - or does being in possession of a penis render these special moments unimportant ?

MY DH was a SAHD 27 years ago. To all 3 of our children. Because he CHOSE to and I didn't want to stop working but the most important part is that it was a JOINT decision based on when I CHOSE to have children.

For Gods sake OP you have THREE degrees , please please don't Chuck all that education away on people who hold values and views from 80 years ago.

BTW my DD1 (27) Has been working 3 years now since finishing her masters. She has a lovely partner and a great career but it's only 3 years old . Myself, her DF, her DP and most importantly she - would be consider a baby at this stage completely bonkers. That is planned post 30 at the earliest. Once career firmly established and both of them able to take EQUAL parental leave and contribute EQUALLY to childcare.

I honestly think he has too much wrong-thinking cultural baggage to make this work OP.

OP, there are so many red flags here that indicate your husband is not going to listen to or respect your opinions in the future. This isn't going to go well. If your Mil and husband are this controlling it will be a million times worse once you have a child and you will never be able to get away from their control as you will share a child. It is clear you are under massive duress and gaslighting that is affecting your confidence in your own decisions. You are not the first woman to experience this and think you can handle it but it really does wear you down. Please continue to stay with your friend if you can; get some space from these controlling people to really think about how you want your future to be.

You could also seek support and advice from women's aid as you are being psychologically and emotionally abused.

If your career is important to you, then you really should focus on that first. The longer you work, the more experience you will have, which will be more favourable for when you want to get a job again one day. It will be much harder if you've only worked 2 years and then done nothing for min 4-5 years.

This really needs repeating. It will be easier to return to the workforce with a reasonable track record of employment before taking a break.

Agree with @Hadtochangeforthisone . Your h will never change his beliefs. Don't have a child with him.

He already told me that he would prefer it if I stayed at home with the baby for the first few years and focus on raising it rather than working

He’s saying that now but once reality hits and you’re in your in your own home with all household bills and housing costs coming out of one wage, he might change his mind and pressurise you to return to work before you’re ready: after all his mother is able to provide childcare!

It really doesn’t. It’s only 4 years. He knew he was marrying someone who was in education till her early 20s, so was probably doing it to pursue a career. A lot of what he comes out with comes straight from his mother!

Merryoldgoat · Today 01:00

Elliania
^You’re wasting your breath, mate.*

Just wait for the thread in two years when she’s had the baby, her husband is being a prick a lot money and allowing the MIL to continue the abuse.

That’s a bit harsh! OP only posted less than than 24 hours ago and there is a lot here for her to get her head around. She has been so cowed by this toxic mother/son duo, it’s probably quite a shock to receive a unanimous YANBU.

I think you need to have a think not only about whether you are ready to be a mother and all that entails in the future, but whether your relationship is the one in which you want to bring up children.

From what you have said on this thread it seems as though your DH doesn't really see you as a person with her own free will and her own needs. It certainly doesn't sound like love to me. Not real love. Someone who really loved you would be facilitating your ambition to work hard and travel. Someone who really loved you would be on your side - and you would be on theirs too.

Ultimately you do not sound compatible. You're only 26 - you have plenty of time to start again. Work hard, travel, maybe find your soul mate. Maybe have children, but only when, and if, you're ready.

There's no shame in it. Your own family and friends will be on your side and to hell with his, frankly. And you don't sound as though you would struggle financially on your own, so really, why stay?

Google "sunk costs fallacy".

Oh, and absolutely do not settle for this "allowance" bollocks. If you do become a SAHM, ever, only agree to this on the provision that all bank accounts are joint. Never let a man own you.

Good luck. Be brave.

Op, you're sensible, intelligent, articulate - and completely right. Your dh has been raised by this controlling woman. That will have left its mark in him. He will try to control you in the same way. An allowance, his views about childcare, his expectation that you will stay at home to raise the child( ren) are all massive alarm bells. Dsis gave up her career for a controlling man with 'traditional' beliefs. Fast forward a decade, he began witholding her allowance when she disagreed with him, examined everything she spent the allowance on and completely lost her own identity. By the time she found it again, and walked away, she was left struggling on a pittance of a salary because her earning capacity had been reduced. It's now too late for her to get that back again (she just turned 50). Paying for childcare is an investment in a woman's future and her independence. If your dh refuses to accept that I'm afraid you may need to accept that your separate views are incompatible with raising a child together, however hard that is. Please do not allow yourself to be bullied and browbeaten into having children and doing it their way. You will be both a huge loss to yourself and will deprive the world of another woman who could have contributed so much more.