Not ready for a child (warning: long rant!)

[Unsure1748]

I'm 26 and my DH is 30. We got married a year ago and have lived with in-laws ever since whilst our house is being renovated. It should be complete within the next few months. Things haven't been easy. The household became a very toxic environment and MIL and I have a hostile relationship. She is extremely critical and judgemental of everything I do, wear, the way I talk, where I go (everything) and resents me for not being as religious as she is and she showed it with many remarks. Her bullying and harassment towards me led to me feeling very isolated and I had breakdown after breakdown. Basically what I'm saying is I told DH there is no way in hell I'd have a child whilst still living with in-laws. If MIL is this critical of me just being ME, I can't imagine how controlling she would be if I had her grandchild in the house too. I can imagine being constantly berated for not being a good mother, told I'm not feeding him/her properly, not dressing them properly, judgement about sleeping routines.. you get the idea. I want space and freedom.

The other issue is I only started working a bit over a year ago and I'm still making money and adding to my savings. Having a child right now would put my career on hold for a bit and would make me financially dependent on DH as he'd like me to stay home for a few years to take care of our baby (or babies if I had another quickly). I'm not ready for that. It'd also be harder to go back to my career after a break as I'm out of the habit and my job is intense. I want to enjoy FINALLY having my own house and safe space, I want to enjoy my job and make more money to add to my savings before I end up staying home for a bit.

DH is becoming impatient and won't stop pressurising me for a child despite the reasons I've outlined. I've told him I 100% DO want a child in the next couple of years but I'm not in the right mental space for one right now.. I can't even consider it whilst living with in-laws. I'm sure I'll be ready once we have our own place but whilst we're still living with in-laws, my brain freaks out at the idea?

The last time DH pressurised me, he assumed I didn't want to be a mother. He was telling me the beauty of raising a child should outweigh my other concerns but I told him he's asking me to relate to something I have never done (raising a child).. I can only think about things I've experienced so far directly. I was in tears as I'm tired of being pressurised by DH and his mother for a baby when I keep expressing my feelings and how I'd be impacted the most by a child emotionally, physically and financially hence my decision should be respected at least a bit, surely? Clearly it isn't or I wouldn't be repeatedly asked again and again. When do you think is the right time to have a baby? After we move out and I've been working for another year at least maybe? Or am I just being selfish I don't know. If so, help me see sense. They make me feel like I'm doing something wrong and tell me that 26 is not still young whenever I still have time and am young.

I just thought the baby will be too young to comprehend what MIL is saying anyway and by the time my child is old enough to understand, they'll be in school and then with me after that.

No, by the time your child is in school, they will have spent the majority of their awake hours with MIL. In her environment. With her routine. Obeying her rules. Under her influence. But you really should not give up work to be a SAHM. You said yourself how working saved your sanity during the dark times. Well, there will be more dark times. You need to keep that safe place somehow, that escapism, but MIL providing the childcare will not be the solution. I was going to suggest discussing nursery/childminders with DH now, but it's probably pointless. He wants you stuck at home.

Like a lot of abusive men, he lied to you.

Told you what you wanted to hear.

You moved city to his family...another red flag for your future.

If you are silly enough to stay with him and get pregnant you will be stuck in this city.

No matter how badly they treat you, abuse you, bully you, once you have his child, even if you leave him and his awful family, they can insist you have to stay in their city.

You would be forced to stay where the baby was born and not allowed to move back to your family until your child was 18.

Have a child with this bullying liar and his psycho mother and your life will be hell.

Tell your parents the truth and pack your bags as fast as you can.

Of course YANBU. I'm so sorry you are in this situation, it sounds horrendous. Please do not let your husband and MIL bully you into having a child you are not ready for. Remind your dh that this is not the middle ages and women are human beings, not just baby machines.
It sounds like you will be doing most of the childcare too and your husband will not be required to give up anything in his life/ career.
Do you have any other support? Your mum or a sister maybe?

Ps. 26 is young...

My own family are a couple of hours away so it's not as easy for me to get to them. I do try and use the holidays I get from work to see my own family however, so I do still see them fairly regularly and talk with them everyday via calls and messages. Honestly, I'm just keeping it together for the next few months until the house is done. I've made it this far for the past year and a bit, so I just tell myself to wait it out now until the finish line. In the mean time, I just put in long hours at work so I'm in very early in the morning and work until late evening. When I come home, I just eat and go straight to my bedroom to avoid any socialising (unless it's with DH). I totally stay out of MIL's way.

I do have a lot of ambition and I am extremely driven. I love being productive and I excel at my job. I've been to uni ever since I was able to go and have like 3 degrees now - the Masters I did it just out of enjoyment and boredom. I excel academically more than I do in pretty much any other area of my life and I told DH that giving up work is like giving up some of my personality - it's a part of who I am!

I think I worried about how selfish I was due to the things he and MIL were saying to me. Things like how I care about money and career, when a child is the most important thing and how I just don't value being a mother and I see being a mother as a CHORE (DH's words which were really hurtful). I tried to explain that I wasn't saying at all that a child or motherhood aren't important, because they are. I tried to explain how it's just not what I want right now, and all my words were being twisted so I ended up just welling up and crying as it all got very overwhelming for me at the time and I'd reached boiling point. I realised arguing with them was futile. At the end of the day nobody will make me have a child against my will and I knew deep down that I wasn't asking for anything unreasonable and there was nothing wrong with me wanting to have some time for myself to build myself up.

Please ring Women's aid for support.

Do not get pregnant.

Stop having sex if necessary, but do not allow this man to get you pregnant.

You are in a highly abusive relationship.

You need to reach out for support.

I've read your subsequent posts. PLEASE, PLEASE pack your things, and go home to your parents. I know this will be very difficult, shameful even but that will fad. Listening to you tieing yourself up in knots trying to make sense of it all is heartbreaking. You're being emotionally and mentally abused. This will only get worse if you have a child. Do not get pregnant and do not give up your job, it will be impossible to escape if you do.

I've read your updates OP and I have to say they're very worrying.

Your husband is very manipulative. Trying to say that being a mother should be a priority over a child as a reason to keep you at home...presumably he is going to keep his full time job unchanged? And therefore 'prioritise his job over his child'?

His one rule for you and one rule for him is indicative that his mums outdated views have rubbed off on him more than you think.

People in general revert back to the gender roles of their parents when they have children so his attitude is likely to just get worse.

When you say he would give you an allowance for kids stuff and shopping etc, this isnt enough. Mumsnet is full of women in similar positions who haven't had their hair cut in years and can't afford a coffee as all their allowance goes on children and their husbands are able to buy as many toys for themselves as they want. You need properly joint finances with equal access to money and financial decisions (eg either of you can spend what you like on a hobby, or both of you have to check in for spends more than £100, or whatever) without a cap.

Mumsnet is also full of women who bitterly regret having children with a man when they dont get on with his family as they are never free from them. Also women who gave up work for a short time and then their husbands have refused to pay towards their share of childcare and refuse to do any school pick ups or drop offs or sick days etc etc and the woman finds it impossible to get back into their career when they can effectively only work term time and school hours and are unreliable as their husband wont do their share of anything unexpected.

Lastly I think you're completely under estimating how much influence a MiL who has a child full time will have on that child. Children pick things up from toddler age, not school age. nasty grandparents are perfectly able to poison little minds against their own family to suit your own agenda. Don't under estimate how much a 3 or 4 year old could pick up after spending a few days a week with your MiL. Imagine a little 3 year old girl saying to you 'mummy you look like a boy, girls should wear dresses' or a little 4 year old boy saying to you 'I'm not picking my toys up, that's a job for girls' because grandma is filling their heads with sexist shit.

I'm not trying to freak you out or say you shouldn't stay with your husband or have kids...I'm saying that it does come accross like you think everything is going to be fine when you move out into your own place. But you will still be married to someone who doesn't listen to you, who wants a very traditional gender role set up, and you will still be part of a family who bully you and if you do have kids, clearly want to be close to them. People have conflict with reasonable mothers in law who are nice people when kids are involved.

Please just be aware of all the possibilities and protect yourself. In your shoes I would seriously consider insisting on returning to work and keeping financial independence and using nursery (at least some of the time)

Things like how I care about money and career, when a child is the most important thing and how I just don't value being a mother and I see being a mother as a CHORE (DH's words which were really hurtful).

If he thinks parenthood is the most important thing, then why isn't he offering to give up his career for a few years to stay at home with baby?

Think about what that says about how he perceives the relative importance of his career, and yours. Because, much as he might protest otherwise, what he's communicating is that your academic and professional achievements aren't important.

That in itself would be game over for me.

"Things like how I care about money and career, when a child is the most important thing and how I just don't value being a mother and I see being a mother as a CHORE"

It your husband feels like that then he can become a house husband surely. I'd be suggesting this to him and using all his own arguments against him.

I've actually been staying with a friend this week so I've gotten that break thankfully. It's helped me to reflect on all of this and so I thought I'd post about it to get other opinions. When it was just me thinking about it, I had started to rationalise their behaviour and think of anything positive about it to make myself feel better and less stressed. DH told me MIL is just overexcited to have another grandchild (she has 3 already) and that he is just overexcited too. So, I thought maybe it was just me being selfish and putting my own desires above everybody else. I kept thinking there was something seriously wrong with me for not being ready yet and I kept trying to make myself ready for a child but it just wouldn't happen because it's still against my will.

However, I've now come to the conclusion that I'm not wrong for wanting to wait.. I am ALLOWED to have these wants and desires because it's MY body that's going to be impacted, my finances, my emotions and quite frankly, my entire life more than anybody else's. I think I just need to realise that I'm not so powerless and helpless, I'm the one with the uterus after all so really it does all depend on me. Nobody can force me to do anything against my will and I won't have a baby before I'm ready. The pressure is just very hard and uncomfortable to deal with. It plays on my mind for ages afterwards too and torments me.

The pressure is just very hard and uncomfortable to deal with. It plays on my mind for ages afterwards too and torments me.

he chooses to put you through that. To make you feel that way. To manipulate you into what he wants regardless of the impact on you.
that’s not love

Your MIL will be a nightmare once you have a child regardless of whether you're living with her or not.
But actually I think your weak husband is more of an issue.
If it was me, I'd be seriously thinking whether I wanted to stay in this marriage or not....

The only way I'd have a child with this man is if he doesn't mention it again for at least a few months and then only to ask your views, if he accepts that you will return to work and the baby will go to nursery and sees this as an equally good option to you staying at home, and finally, if you move several hours travel away from the in laws. I would also wait at least 4 years to ensure any changes are genuine.

Tell him you want to wait until you are 30. That will give him the concrete date you are being asked for.

I would not in a million years even humour having your MIL provide childcare. If she’s coercive and bullying now she’ll be ten times worse as the ‘doting granny’. Stick to your guns. No baby now and, if you do eventually have one, get paid childcare so you can go back to work. Do not get even more entrenched with these awful people (that might even include your DH, only you can decide that).

Might be worth informing yourself about Reproductive coercion/ control.
certainly good advice above about who’s going take responsibility for what if a baby is born and the financial stuff .

This is so familiar to me... same situation except I was 21 but the pressure from both my partner and his mother to have kids was piled on and I ended up leaving... I can't express the relief I still feel to have left and not had kids with him.
I think about what my life might have been life and I know I did the right thing leaving I haven't had a day of regret.
Please please if you stay don't have any kids unless you establish very clear boundaries on how things will work when you do including finances... if you can't agree on how it would work walk away for your own sake.

Just a question OP. And I in no way mean for this to trigger anyone on this thread.
Should the worst happen and you decide you're ready for a child, and you then discover you/your husband can't conceive. Alternatively what if you decide that actually, you don't WANT to be a Mum.
What will the reaction of your husband and his MIL be?
I ask this because your husband and his family. Should support you NO MATTER WHAT. He married you, not your uterus. Worst case scenario thinking is shitty, but it gives you an insight into those who actually care about YOU.

FWIW, even if/when you are ready. I wouldn't be having a child with this man, but that's your perogative.

I have a very strong suspicion DH is going to have a very big problem with me using childcare. He will say it's just a waste of money when we have MIL/FIL willing to do it for free and it will allow MIL to 'bond' with her grandchild. He will either opposite it entirely or make me pay for it all maybe as he doesn't agree with it and this will eat up a huge portion of my salary. He did the same thing when I suggested renting a flat because I found living with in-laws too stressful. He said it was just wasted money to rent and we should just wait it out until our house is ready. Hence, I just hadn't considered other childcare options until now.

Yes. This is it. I actually typed a similar word for word response about the childcare to another poster. I know I'm jumping way ahead of the gun here as none of this has even happened yet but I know he is very stubborn. He will be firmly against childcare I predict as he will think it's pointless. He will say why are we paying for childcare when my mother has offered to help for FREE? I can't say much to that e.g. about her toxicity without things getting heated as he will be biased towards his own mother and probably say something like just because she was that way with me, doesn't mean she'll treat her grandchild that way and how I'm just being paranoid. He'll probably then say I should pay for it as it's what I want, not him and he earns much more than me. Paying for that childcare will eat so much of my wage that I'd feel quite anxious and vulnerable. But, I'm definitely considering it. Unfortunately, it isn't my decision alone.

You understood my thoughts SO well and you read my mind - what you said is exactly what I've been doing. He didn't say he'd help with the pick-ups and drop-offs, so I assume I'd be doing that. YES, I've been tying myself up in knots trying to find a job that would facilitate all of this and accommodate for the school holidays as I think I'll struggle with my current job (7am to 5pm, 5x a week). Then, as you said I realised I couldn't find a job to accommodate for this so the next best thing would be to become a SAHP.

Hi @Unsure1748 Can I ask? Are you Irish? I am and it just with the mentions of religion and the overpowering mammy and her thirty year old son??? Im imagining an Irish country Mammy with you building on a site near their home.

You are so....... young! If this is your husbands only flaw Id be warning him that he better drop the pressure (bullying) or else he'd be a divorcee looking his second wife. If he is a bit of dick in other areas I wouldn't bother with the warning.

As for the MIL - she sounds like a nightmare. I'm reckoning that she cant be that old. 50's??? Does she live under a rock?? Does she have to no life/interests of her own. Does she want you to be the same? Id refuse to discuss anything apart from the weather with her. Absolutely no discussion of anything personal. Id keep her at a bargepole length and not allow her to interfere and stonewall her if she comments on anything.

Under no circumstances would I allow her to childmind even when the baby is a newborn -Arms length always.

Dont be bullied. You sound a lovely and interesting person.

In an ideal world, they would support me no matter what but I've a strong feeling that if I suddenly said I don't want to be a mother, he'd leave me. She probably wouldn't even understand what I mean if I said I don't want to be one. Fortunately for them, I actually do but not right now.

26 is still so young - they are bloody unhinged. You’ve got your head screwed on. You’re recognising all of the warning signs.

The main thing to remember here - and I’m stating the obvious - is that if you have a baby at any point in your life it will always be your baby, but if you have one with this man then it will also be his and his awful mother will see it as hers in some way too. That will give them a say and a voice in matters. Their ideas and approaches are already unbearable, over-involved and domineering - and there isn’t even a baby yet!

Be very careful about mixing up your clear desire to have a baby at some point with the decision to have one with this particular man, tying you to this family. It’s currently not too late to walk away and find a more suitable father / in-law to raise a baby with.

I absolutely would not have children with him. All the signs are there that you are expected to live your life and raise your child the way he and his mother want you to. Your own needs, independence, career and views will be secondary to the combined strength of theirs. It’s already occurring. Even when you ttc is being pushed on you when you are voicing that you aren’t ready.

I was in a similar situation with pressure from partner and MIL. It was a very hard and a stressful time in my life which I would not go back to. The difference is that my partner was willing to be the stay at home parent and didn't want to stop me from keeping my career.

It's hard to know what you actually want when you have others telling you what you should be doing, that's what I found anyway. I hope you manage to find a way through it and work it out.

he will be biased towards his own mother and probably say something like just because she was that way with me, doesn't mean she'll treat her grandchild that way

So that would be okay? For your future child to watch you be mistreated and learn that the response to being mistreated is just to carry on letting it happen?

I'm sorry, OP, none of this is your fault, but please do not bring a child into this life. Don't tie yourself into it.

This. There is something completely off about all this pressure.

You need to make it clear that you won't even consider having a child until you are in your own house and away from your mil. At the very least.

And to be honest, in your situation, I'd be reconsidering the whole marriage. If he's controlling and abusive now, he will be far worse after you have a child and don't have your own income. Be VERY careful OP.