To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

He is just being a normal teenager.

stick with him, don’t give up on him. He is still a child and I think when they act like this, that’s when they need you the most.

please back him up and support him. He will come around in the end but stay strong and supportive now.

Kids don't exist just to do well in exams lots of kids don't do great - it's not the end of the world. He can go to college or do an apprenticeship 🤷‍♀️

I don't think he needs to be "grateful" for being sent to private school. Especially if he's only there due to bullying at his previous school. Being "ungrateful" is hardly out of the realms of normal teenage behaviour.

I'm not a soft parent, I'm actually quite tough, but surely the consequence of doing badly in exams is the impact it has on your life choices (he hasnt actually failed anything yet). It's really not something you get kicked out of home for. At the age of 16. That's fucking nuts and wholly neglectful.

If he's a decent person outside of school related matters then maybe he'll do better going down the vocational route anyway. If my mum had hounded me into the ground about my GCSEs and costs then I probably would've failed on purpose to spite her.

If you chuck him out I'd expect to never hear from him again.

He's not doing A levels, given he won't work for GCSEs we've ruled A levels out.

This is ridiculous and you are sounding hysterical.

For all you know he might do really well in his GCSEs.

He might just be feeling sick of the martyrdom around him. Guilty that he was bullied and ‘had’ to go to a private school.

Stop haranguing him, dial it down, read some book about how to talk to teenagers and be glad he isn’t getting drunk and smoking weed.

If you get off his case he might open up a bit.

Honestly, if every parent of a lazy teen chucked them out at 16 the streets would be full of feral packs of them.

Calm down.

And if you’ve already ‘ruled out’ A levels he has zero incentive to even turn up to his GCSEs, does he?

You know there are many other post-16 courses that aren’t A levels, but require minimum GCSE passes, right?

I think you have to separate his behaviour from your financial choices and situation. This is a 15 yr old boy we're talking about - the choice to move him to a fee paying school was yours. You must appreciate that other options potentially were available - as obviously many parents will be in a position of having to move their child out of a school where they're being bullied and don't have the luxury of choosing an independent school. Maybe you saw it that you were, in part, paying for a guarantee of academic success but schools can only do so much when faced with children who are not motivated to study. Perhaps look at it a different way - you have paid for him to continue his education in a safe and presumably happy environment.

Hopefully - he may have covered enough of the GCSE syllabus in lessons to have a decent shot at the exams without having revised much. I'm sure lots of children don't revise as much as they should and invariably get 'lucky' by coming out with alright results. I think you are being dramatic by saying you will move him out - where would he go?

I went through a stage of rebellion myself in year 11, my parents thought I would fail my exams but I come out with 9 A-C grades with little to no revision. Even when I collected my results and went to show my mum, she was very disparaging so it didn't do much for our relationship. He might be a totally different lad once he's left yr11 so don't be too hard on him or you might ruin your relationship beyond repair. At least let him do his GCSEs then go back to the drawing board in terms of deciding where he will continue his post 16 education - a more affordable option so you're not as resentful.

Why do you feel like a mug? You've said that a couple of times. You made a choice to send him to private school, it sounds like you think you should get a return on your investment or something.. did he do chores as a younger kid and has now just stopped? Does he have friends at school? Does he perhaps feel like he's going to fail his exams anyway so why even bother trying? Your response to him not doing what you think he should is quite odd and lacks curiosity about why he might be behaving the way he is.

@JudgeJ Lots of support for the lazy, ungrateful brat here. It isn't his parents' fault he is tanking his exams, he is choosing to do so. The little green monster is running around, I get the impression that some posters are enjoying the Schadenfreude of a student at an independent school choosing to fail.

Not at all. Many teenagers can be lazy self-centred sods. The only reason the independent school is relevant is because the OP is making it so. She made a choice and expected her son to be grateful. But that isn't the way most teenagers' brains work. They are psychologically wired to be self centred. And risk takers.

The generosity shown by posters like @Grobblydog show how difficult some teens can be to parent.

But our job is to never ever give up on them. Nothing the OP's said has been outrageously awful. And it's her job to support him. Because that's what we do as parents. And if the OP is unable to do that, she needs to get help. Because nothing this kid has done sounds like he deserves to be kicked out of home.

I'm a secondary school teacher and have 2 young adult DDs so offer the perspective of both teacher and parent. I'm not going to pile on the OP; she sounds utterly frustrated & fed up. However, what is happening now isn't working and everyone is going round in a circle.

My advice is to give notice in writing NOW to the school that DS will not be attending after GCSEs. You need to work for 2 more terms' school fees. Tell DS that you really cannot afford to keep him there any longer.

You need to step back and give him the responsibility of his own exams. If he fails the mocks, so be it. They are only mocks. It's no consolation to you, but in my school, y11 has been told NOT to work over Christmas as they did mocks in November/December. They need some downtime as the next 2 terms will be hard work. I will be pushing my exam groups hard from next week onwards, but they will get there better for having had a decent break. You don't need to do the revision because you aren't taking the exams. So step back and in a nice way, butt out. Make sure he has clean clothes, nutritious meals, a quiet place to work and sensible sleep schedule. In my eyes, that's what a good parent does.

Regarding doing nothing round the house, you have the perfect opportunity of New Year to change things. Type up a schedule of jobs and their frequency - eg unloading dishwasher daily in the morning. Everyone in the household has to sign up for something. Attach it to the fridge/wherever then stick to it. Once GCSEs are done, that's the time to teach him cooking and laundry skills. My older DD did her GCSEs in year 10 when she was still 14 so couldn't get a paid job. She became our cleaner and laundrymaid and prepared one meal per week. Our house was so tidy! My DD2 was harder work, but she too has become a helpful, kind and thoughtful soul who is a fantastic cake baker. I could cheerfully have throttled her multiple times at 15/16 but a shared sense of humour really helped. Good luck and stay calm.

Poor kid. He’s had bullying issues etc, he’s probably quite mixed up and now he has to deal with so much parental pressure on top. No wonder he’s just being impassive. Just love him and support him. Talk about options if he does do well and options if he doesn’t. Then let him dictate his own life.

I was good a passing exams and did well despite not bothering until the time of the exams and then cramming. He might fail and then realise the importance of exams when he’s older, but one thing is certain, all this pressure is more likely to lead to failure. Step back, say I’m here to help if you need it and let him get on with it, otherwise you risk ruining his mental health badly.

There are many paths to success. Let him find his own path.

He might also be scared of not being able to live up to your high expectations so takes the view, if he doesn’t try, he won’t fail!

Frustrating though it no doubt is, I think you should allow him to sit his GCSEs. If they are the disaster you expect, then the ball is in his court and you can point him in the direction of likely employment prospects (MacDonalds?).

The OP is getting a hard time, but 16 is plenty old enough to understand that his parents are making great sacrifices for him. They could have chosen to leave him to the bullies to get the shit kicked out of him, but they didn't. They wanted to give him the best opportunities away from that environment. That said, it's too late to remove him now.
I would talk to school, is he working clever rather than hard? What are his predicted grades? An indie won't keep him if he is going to tank anyway. Does he think just based on being at an indie, he is going to walk into a high paid job regardless of grades/ effort?
Separate the laziness at home , remove extras, stop clubs, fun stuff is earned, and so is pocket money. Remove Internet. He can use homework/ prep club.
Don't use throwing out as a threat unless you actually would do it. Empty threats are pointless, he kniws that. I would tell him that once his exams are over, he gets a part-time job regardless, and he can pay his way, and you will provide basics only. Create household chores list and assign jobs to all the household.

I do.

So for your understanding I will reframe the point I am making:

If you’ve already ‘ruled out’ A levels he has much less incentive to even try to achieve the potential you believe him to have, and / or you are preemptively restricting the range of options he will have post-18. Take away that incentive and he might not even make the minimum grades to take up other options which will lead to a fulfilling adult life. Etc.

I've not read all the responses but.....

Even if you take him out of school, you will still have to pay until at least the end of the coming term as most private schools require notice of a term. So that almost takes you to his exams anyway.

It would be damaging in terms of his education to withdraw him from school at this point. Would also send the message you don't care about his exams - when clearly you do.

What is it he really cares about? Friends/hobby/sport/games console etc? Renegotiate his jobs and responsibilities based on the withdrawal of those things - hit him where it hurts. Make him get a part time job?

Keep reminding yourself that teenagers brains are not fully developed and that makes them very selfish and that won't change for a while - but he will become human again one day!!! Xxxx

Hi OP
I've worked in Independent Education for 15 years and so so many kids p*ss it up the wall.
Parents sacrifice so much and kids rarely care and they just 'accept this is how school
Is' without realising the sacrifice.

I don't really have an answer and I know how entirely frustrated you are but 'it's only 2 more terms' then send him
To college/state etc.

We all do things for kids. They are usually ungrateful! But know that YOU did your best.

Whilst I agree that his behaviour should have consequences, at the moment he’s not taking your threats seriously because they’re not serious, are they?
Instead, why not come up with some consequences that really mean something? Access to money, technology, lifts etc are more immediate and relevant and so are probably a better starting point.

You really ought not to have over stretched yourself for the school no you can't throw him out and yes he does have to sit his gcses. Maybe he needs to join a state school.

The OP says the local state school won't take him, it's very unusual for students to swop a term before their GCSEs. He could go state/college post-16.

It sounds like a lot of this is about money and resentment. I have a very strong feeling your son will despise you for this once he's grown out of this teenage angst and a young adult, you chose to send him to a fee paying school, you resent it's taken your life savings, he's going to resent your attitude and parenting and threats because of him attending a paid for school and what it has meant for you, your sacrifice etc etc and been thrown in his face. Ultimately and probably resulting in a breakdown in your relationship.

You dislike him because he isn't performing how you expect for the money you are spending.
Unfortunately he's just being a teenager, from what you've wrote you'd think he's done something horrendous to warrant chucking him out.

Very odd.
This is all bitterness and resentment and your taking it out on someone who can't regulate their hormones and is going through a 'stage and a phase'.

Do better op. You should have never sent him to a fee paying school if it was such a stretch. Emotionally, physically and monetary.

You have to let him do his exams.

What sort of grades is he expected to get? Surely school have given you some idea?

What are the grades needed for local schools for sixth form? When is the application dates for those? Make a list. Have they passed?

Consider advising him to focus revision on his strongest subjects.

What do his friends want to do next year? Can you hatch a plan that others might do too?

Short, sharp shock needed. Family meeting, lay down the rules after trying to find out what the problem is. Take his phone. Turn off the WiFi. Stop his allowance. UNLESS on his return to school he works in class and does 3 hours of study per night. Give it until half term, get a report from school. If nothing has changed withdraw him, save your money. Local authority will have to find him a school place, as he's got a while before he can legally be out of education. He's taking you and your husband for mugs, and things either change or get much worse.

@Murdoch1949 “Give it until half term, get a report from school. If nothing has changed withdraw him, save your money.”

It’s not like dinner money on PAYG 🤣
What money are you suggesting that she saves?

@Murdoch1949 ”Local authority will have to find him a school place”

As well as not understanding how private school fees work, you also don’t understand how in year transfer state place allocation works either.

Give it until half term, get a report from school. If nothing has changed withdraw him, save your money

If she leaves it until half term to decide, then she'll be unable to give a clear term's notice, so no school fees will be saved.

And the dates for entering for GCSEs will have long passed, so goodness only knows how she'll find anywhere he can sit them, except perhaps at a crammer, or as a private candidate using another centre (eg a school) simply as the (invigilated) venue. In both those cases, exam fees payable by candidate, so no saving their either.

OP does need to give notice to quit to the school now (before the Easter hols) so she does not become liable for fees for the start of sixth form. With no written notice, school will assume he's continuing