To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

You're probably liable for the school fees till at least Easter and quite likely summer now so he may as well stay at that school till then.
Forget the tidying but don't make his life easy - no allowance etc if required.
Rethink years 12-13. It will be difficult to take him out of education although it can be done. May be best to just put him through a state sixth form or FE college.
Don't chuck him out.

I’m seriously hoping this is a wind up.

If not it’s the biggest overreaction I’ve ever read.

Teens are often like this. But you can’t ruin his life over him being a typical teen.

Pay for his GCSE’s and last 2 terms of school.

Do NOT kick a 16 year old out on the streets because he’s being lazy and a typical teen ffs!!! A roof over his head, food and warmth is basic things you owe him as his parent. He’s not abusing you or violent as far as I’ve read so you owe him this until he’s 18 at least.

Then once his GCSE’s are done, let him organise what he does next. Tell him it’s up to him from here on out and that you won’t be molly-coddling him.

But don’t stop being his parent just because he’s pissing you off. That’s what teens do!

Your poor child. No wonder he is having a hard time.

This.

Plus don't most school require notice so you may be liable for next term fees anyway.

No state school would take mid Y11 probably not in Y10 - so likely his options would be really limited as most options would be re-takes intakes which would focus on English and Maths and only a few other subjects.

I'd try talking and putting in some extra support perhaps he's struggling and acting defiant and not bothered is a coping mechanism. Plus I'd be focusing on next step - what does he want to do what are his plans - carer fairs and applications are happening now. Getting a job at 16 - depends on area as they can be hard to find - and renting a flat at that age - I think that would be a massive struggle to find especially in current rental market - really doesn't sound like a feasible plan TBH.

Basically you need to parent - which isn't always easy -but chuck him out now and you'll almost certainly be parenting a dependent much longer than if you grit teeth and help him find an independent path forward.

If he ruins his own GCSEs then it’s on him. If you ruin them then it’s on you and it’s how he will always remember it.

Just to be clear, OP, 16-year-olds don't earn the same minimum wage as adults, it's something crazily low like £4.85 an hour. It's not realistic these days for 16 year olds to leave home and be self-supporting, so if money is the issue here, and all the savings are gone, then him being self-supporting is not possible. Minimum wage only kicks in

I wouldn't expect a 16 year old to be much help at home, and staying up late and sleeping in at weekends seems a pretty universal teenage thing. But Is he really out of his depth and struggling at school? Maybe you have high expectations having spent so much money and he's afraid he can't live up to them? Can he get extra help at school if he's falling behind? Is he depressed and stressed out about the up coming exams? For some people It's easier to pretend not to care about education than to show how much it matters to them.

Don't give up on him now, he needs you, although he may not be showing it. Chill out until after the GCSEs and then figure out where to go from there.

No state school would take mid Y11 probably not in Y10

Not true - if a child of school age is not enrolled at school (and not home educated) then the local authority are required to ensure a school accepts them. Whether that school is happy or enters them for many GCSEs, or whether you like the school, is another matter.

Sorry, my message cut off- the min wage is only adult rate (and not even the Living Wage) at age 23, so the chances of him living independently and in a flat self-supporting at 16 is basically nil, he would be homeless/sofa-surfing unless you wish to pay for him to live elsewhere.

I went to private school under similar circumstances and came away with a good batch of GCSEs. I have a son the same age as yours who looks set to throw his away.
I have thought about what if we were in a similar situation and how much more stressful it would feel.

Think back to your original decision and what a difference it must have made to his happiness and confidence. Without having that chance to recover from the bullying situation he might be a different child now. They to focus on that. Once he's through this phase he'll hopefully be back to his previous reasonable self. Being a teenager is hard!

It's two more terms and then he can go to a state college. I absolutely loved state sixth form and nothing would have kept me at that school a second longer though it served its purpose.

Have a think about possible ADD and/or Executive Functioning disorder.
Turns out that my DS had both all along, with Bipolar. Diagnosed much later but presented as though he didn’t care, couldn’t be bothered to study etc.
There are many reasons why a young person can’t/won’t apply themselves.
You are the best friend he has. Don’t let him down. He’s yours whether you like it or not.
Yes, parenting young people can be very very tough.

Im not judging, but please be open to other reasons as to why he’s struggling. Sometimes struggling can be masked as “don’t care”

@Feckthelotofthem My DPs mum made him move out at 16. It has affected the whole of his life and their relationship badly. He is in his 50s now and it’s the main reason they don’t really get along at all. Don’t do that to your son.

He could definitely get a part-time job though in sixth form or college, either doing A levels or apprenticeship or other qualifications. Don't write anything off til he's done mocks and then GCSEs.

@Feckthelotofthem where does he think he’s going in September?

That could be really unsettling for him now… you took him out of state due to bullying, and now he’s going back. It’s different of course, as you get older - but he doesn’t know that for sure. He can’t stay in his current school - does he have any idea at all what he’ll be doing in Y12? Quite possible that whatever, “next steps” info he’s getting at school won’t be helpful to him, and will make him feel more left out.

Completely agree with this.

You need to focus on what he does after school.

I'd also speak to school as is only be willing to pay and out in him for GCSEs he will pass or must take.

This is my first ever post so apologies if I’m not familiar with correct terms etc. I was moved to post a reply op for three reasons - first, you’re the adult here, not him. So however hard it is to do, act adultishly. Which means trying to be calm when everything is going to shit, and trying to be rational when nothing makes sense. Second, you’re his parent, so however much it sucks to be the parent of a fiendishly horrible child, act like a parent. Which means being kind and endlessly patient when all you want to do is to be vengeful and hurt him as much as he’s hurt you. And third, and I apologize for the length of this, but it’s important, I speak as the mother of a child who started taking Xanax at age 14 and by the time he was 17 was a full blown drug addict who was taking skunk, crack, bla bla bla. He became psychotic, tried to kill someone and was sectioned. Every single bone in my body was angry, my heart devastated and desolate. Me and DH had to reinvent ourselves daily and cling on to hope that one day things would be better and that if nothing else, that was our only role as his parents, to keep on keeping on for him, when he just couldn’t. Now 10 years and three sections later, he’s in his second year of a degree. That’s it really. Just hang on and be there for him, no matter how hard it gets. You’re more resourceful and creative than you think.

I assume there are always exceptional circumstances that LEAs have to step in - but yes I should have made it clear I was talking more generally ie any schools the OP talked to would never be very keen to take students mid two year courses.

I can't actually see what he is doing to prompt such a massive reaction

OP says he is not revising for his mocks and he doesn't help with chores.
A quick perusal of MN will reveal he is in good company for both these things.

On the plus side he does well with other people, so not all bad.

This feels entirely like OP's issue - she is clearly resentful at paying for a private school and expects DS to appreciate all the sacrifices she is making. And yet this is something she chose to do.

Tough love is withdrawing privileges (e.g. extra curricular activities; lifts to see friends) if he won't do a minimum of chores each week.
Failing his GCSEs is the consequence of not working. Although he still has plenty of time and they will be working at home, so he may do pretty well even with no revision at home for mocks.

You’re being too hard on him and yourself.
You have two options

1. Keep pushing him and he could have a breakdown, fail his GCSEs, hate you , move out, you could have a breakdown.
2. Ignore the crap. Tell him you love him. Send him to school and cook a meal for the whole family in the evenings and invite him to join. Other than the meal let him stay in his room if he wants. Don’t push revision , don’t push participation in anything he doesn’t want. If you need him to do some chores around the house then give him a list with weekly chores to complete.

You signed up for the private school so don’t dwell on that . The money is gone. He will either sink or swim but it’s only GCSEs and not the end of the world if he fails . Perhaps he needs to fail so he can realise what he wants to do with his life. Do remind him that it’s education or work. Doing neither isn’t an option.

You seem to be blaming your son for the fact that you hate being a parent. It's not his fault. Nor is it his fault you've opted to send him to a school you can't afford.

You say he's a nice kid so I don't understand why fucking up his GCSEs = being thrown out? He's not being violent, aggressive, drug taking, committing crimes from what you've said? My stepkids aren't academic and won't be going to uni. They are aware that if they get shit GCSE results then it limits their college and job choices. They are also aware that we don't operate a doss house, so if you aren't in education/apprenticeship, you're expected to be working and contributing to the house. They'd have to be giving us serious problems to kick them out, I really don't understand how you've landed on that as a solution.

Jesus you sound horrible. Hope that helps?

Seriously what did you expect being a parent involved?

Can you not even fathom the damage such actions would do to your son at this age? It will destroy your relationship for ever.

He sounds absolutely infuriating and I understand why you are at your wits end . . . . but you need to push on and get through the GCSEs. You might be burning your bridges with him forever if you pull him out of school now and he fails - I suspect that you'd regret it in a few years and he may never want a relationship with him again. I would try bringing him into line by cutting off all money and tech - lock him out of the WiFi, if you pay his phone contract or data stop doing so, not a penny to go out, don't put money on his school canteen account and make him make pack lunches, lock his bank account if possible etc, that might focus his mind a bit.

I really honestly hope you’re just venting and not being serious. He’s what 15!? And you’re talking about taking away any and all future opportunities, on top of making him homeless, because he doesn’t help around the house! Please take a step back, reevaluate and breath. You’re being absolutely unbelievably unreasonable.

Only proceed if you want nothing to do with him moving forward, because in his shoes you would be dead to me. Truly.

My ds didn’t work throughout school but he did put a little bit of effort in immediately before his gcses. Enough to get mediocre results. He actually realised he needed to pull his finger out in the last year of college and is now in his third year at uni.
Boys often develop later and he has to want to do it for himself. No amount of nagging will make him and it might actually have the opposite effect. Back off. He will pull his socks up when and if he wants to.

As a pp said if he messes up, that’s on him. If you pull him out of his exams, that’s on you and he’ll never likely forgive you in the future.

Thankyou for posting this. I've had to pull my 16 year old ( yr 11) ds from school because it was destroying his mental health. I too have cried in the toilet because I feel like I've failed him.
You have given me some hope