To take DS out of school for last 2 terms of GCSE year

[Feckthelotofthem]

Have spent life's savings sending DS to small local fee paying school (long story re bullying at other school, he wanted to change schools etc so we did it for last few years of secondary even though a massive stretch for us). He is doing zero work for his mocks which start next week, and also does zero to help at home. Out of home with other people he's brilliant, helpful and makes lots of effort. I'm getting increasingly resentful which is eating me up, that I'm working my arse off on long shifts at work (his Dad works hard in a job he doesn't enjoy too) me and his Dad doing everything at home in terms of house work, cooking etc, and doing lots to help with DS being supportive with studies, taking him to extra curriculum activities he enjoys etc,. It just gets thrown back in our faces. I feel like its coming to a head and I just can't stomach the ingratitude and wasted opportunities he is throwing away any more. Fair enough its his life and all that, but these things are being paid for through our labour and sacrifices not his. I'm thinking of making him move out at 16 which is in a few weeks time, not paying for his GSCEs (we have to pay at his school) and not paying for the school for the rest of this year. I know its not really the answer and it will make everybody unhappy but it feels like we're being taken for mugs and its time for some tough love. Am I being totally unreasonable? What else can I do? (Have already tried talking to school, btw).

This sounds like great advice, I think.

@weleasewoderick23 get in touch with your local college, my dd is retaking GCSEs, plenty of students there have 'gone wrong' but can be helped to 'go right' again, and they tend to be very supportive about MH problems as well, perhaps more so than school.

I still don't get what the OP's son is doing which would warrant phone removal or Wifi removal or never going out til June, let alone what the Op has suggested- that's the bit I'm missing. That would be a recipe for isolation and MH issues, is he out excessively, rude, doing drugs? I just don't think the whole story can be here.

^ This.

It would be unforgivable to take him out of the school you chose to send him to because you don't feel he's grateful enough. At least see him through his GCSEs, then he can go to a state sixth-form, and social services will find accommodation for him - the school/sixth-form will open a safeguarding/child at risk case for him - if that's what you want.

Threatening him with taking him out of school is unkind and unfair. He must feel so unsafe - as though the ground could collapse under his feet at any minute - that subconsciously he probably thinks there's no point working hard or revising because he might not get to take the exams.

Children do well from a position of safety.

You cannot blame your child for your life choices.
You chose to send him to a fee paying school.
Your husband chose to stay in a job he doesn't enjoy.
If you want your child to help around the house more you should've set those motions in place and stuck to them.
Own your choices, support your son and don't mess up his future. You can't just wash your hands of responsibility because it's got a bit hard.
As for even considering throwing him out... I've no words. Give your head a wobble.

Loads of students move from private to state post gcse to take more vocational subjects. He’s well behaved out of the home. He does extra curricular so has some interests. So all is not lost. The rest of it sounds like a typical 16 year old boy. Mine didn’t revise (they pretended to) and did well. Private schools cover alot revision in class so he may be ok. No one will rent to a 16 year old. I remember the frustration (mine had free places so I wasn’t even paying!) but the nagging doesn’t work. Most do revise for real thing and peer pressure does kick in. GCSEs are ridiculous a huge number of subjects with lots material which they may not even be tested on. Most other countries don’t make 16 year olds sit life changing exams. They are known to cause huge stress and MH problems. Some just feel overwhelmed and not know where to start. Wait until mocks are out way and then get him visit Alternative / vocational providers and state colleges. Your council should have a list of alternative education providers on website. Show him the classes where they do English and maths retakes (as this is compulsory). Take him to job or apprenticeship fairs. Then let him figure it out. At home get him to cook one meal a week for the family so he can start to learn how to look after himself when he moves out and to do his own laundry. Find a way to deal with your stress. However horrible they are you have to make clear you love them and care for them, but it is ok to say you are disappointed in the way they are behaving and the choices they are making. Separate the behaviour from the person. How he presents himself to the outside world is a better indicator of how he will turn out than how he is at home. My dc did well academically but behaved similarly 15-18. It’s like their own brains are working against them. I used to wonder how they could be so bright and so stupid at the exact same time. If they come out the other side without a drug or alcohol habit, unplanned pregnancy, criminal record or permanent injury then that’s a parenting success in my book. It is just a case of stepping back and hoping that all the work you put in and advice you gave them before age 15 was enough because they def stop listening after that.

There seem to be two separate issues here which, because of the stress you are under, have become fused together in your mind.

1. Your financial struggle to pay for the school and how that makes you feel via a vis your own life choices. This is being compounded by what everyone has identified as his entirely standard teen attitude. It is horrendous living under that kind of pressure, but as pp have said - it was your choice and sadly he is not under any obligation to make you feel better about it (however lovely that would be)
2. His educational achievements. Most independent schools would have come to you and flagged any issues which they felt might result in below par exam results. Doesn’t sound as though that’s the case here. You may not see him working as you would like/expect, but if the school haven’t raised this as an issue with you then it is quite possible he is doing well and will be absolutely fine come exam time. He may even be really good at exams and surprise you/pull socks up after mocks etc. Essentially, his performance is really between him and the school at this stage. It is clearly adding to your stress to engage with it, youre paying for his education, so ask school questions about his performance and leave it in their court.

Honestly, you’re creating a conflict where there doesn’t necessarily need to be one, by getting in a panic about exams which, as he won’t engage with your help, you can’t actually help him with.

Try to make your peace with the choice to send him private, and just see it as an investment in his future which you/he may not see direct rewards from immediately but will hopefully have a positive impact on his future (not because it was private school, but because it was a positive school experience).

Stop undercutting whatever is good about that experience by nagging and effectively telling him he is undeserving of it - this will only impact his well-being and your relationship. It will have zero effect on improving his academic outcomes.

Focus whatever energy you have first on trying to improve your own wellbeing (you sound totally burnt out and in need of being kinder to yourself).

Ask DP to help, create a set time weekly to do something which might positively impact your well-being. Eg. Sunday afternoons you go for a three hour walk/cinema trip/swimming/coffee with a friend. While you’re out he and his dad do one useful thing (make a meal/run some laundry/clean the bathroom). Let your DP manage this and organise it/reward him within that time as he sees fit. Just remove yourself from parts of this equation and try to refocus your energy on you prod using yourself with what you need emotionally, so there is less burden on the feeling that if he doesn’t keep his end up he is letting you down and impacting you.

I know it’s really hard - burn out is real. If you’re feeling this bad I do think you seriously need to disengage from your DS and his schooling and instead engage with what you can do to feel better in yourself. You can just say - “I’m done nagging you, I’m here to help if you want it, otherwise it’s between you and school and I’m going to use my energy on myself!” That models a much better situation for him (and for your younger child).

I can't image fucking up his GCSE will help maintain a good relationship with eldest - and I'd worry It could adversary affect your relationship with the younger children.

I'd focus on plan if he does do badly - what options are there locally.

I do wonder if you need help with your mental health - are you depressed - starting the menopause - do you need to consider long term job change?

He sounds so far as a typical teenage boy - at times moody possible frustrating - DS is Y11 but very focused on career just as well as his state school isn't great - but while he was always been slightly that way - careers fair www.thenec.co.uk/whats-on/what-career-what-university-live/ for older sibling helped focus his mind.

Sorry haven't read the whole thread.
In your shoes I would do a compete 180!
Trying to be the parent isn't working so be his friend!
No telling off, only support.
No question of not paying or chucking out.
Complete sympathy with offers of help!

I think you need to look outside your bubble op and be grateful that you have a teenager that you know where he is, he isn’t violent, he isn’t abusive etc etc. Infact, to me, he seems a normal teen, lazy, selfish, sleeps a lot, but is actually ok. My two do very little in the house. I’m not proud of it. I nag them constantly. Etc etc. But my friends, when they bump into them in the shops or the pubs, praise them and me. They know how to cook and iron and personal hygiene. The rest they will do. But ultimately they are fine teenagers just like your son.

I would try bringing him into line by cutting off all money and tech - lock him out of the WiFi, if you pay his phone contract or data stop doing so, not a penny to go out, don't put money on his school canteen account and make him make pack lunches, lock his bank account if possible etc, that might focus his mind a bit.

I think posters suggesting this are out of date. School work, revision notes, revision materials are now principally online. Nearly all my children’s homework is done on google classroom and submitted online. All children have a chromebook. Our school subscribe to exam information sites so that is where they access all the past papers. On top of this, social life is based around phones so while it may seem tempting to remove this, friends are also a source of support and you will be removing this too. You can take a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

This isn’t totally abnormal behaviour. My sibling was exactly the same (state school though) but pulled it out of the bag for the actual exams. You’re being very unreasonable to pull him out of school just before GCSEs.

I think you are being very harsh my ds was like this but something suddenly clicked Feb time he got his head down crammed and got decent grades (did the same for Alevels) so I think he probably will too. But throwing him out on his 16th birthday is not the answer.

He needs to do his GCSEs but make sure he knows you won’t fund a levels at his current school and that he needs to look into other options to take him up to 18 and then sit on your hands and cross your fingers that he really is a good lad and can pull things together himself .

No, you can't do that, but i totally get the urge to do so.

You can't deliberately mess up his gcses, especially after all the financial sacrifices. Have a firm chat after his mocks. Cut back on all treats and social activities and make it v clear what you expect if he wants these things back. Does he have an xbox or similar? Take it off him. Screen time? Limit to an hour or so a day.

It was your choice to send him to private school, use all your savings and massively stretch yourself. You can't heap all that on him, not that it excuses horrible behaviour on his part.

Lots of support for the lazy, ungrateful brat here. It isn't his parents' fault he is tanking his exams, he is choosing to do so. The little green monster is running around, I get the impression that some posters are enjoying the Schadenfreude of a student at an independent school choosing to fail.

He may just surprise you, though in reality pigs might fly, whatever the outcome I don't think you can just stop paying the fees with no notice so he may as well stay there then go somewhere else for his resits or A levels.

I think he shrugs off your threats as he knows you don't mean it and it has become meaningless noise.

There is no point pulling out now as you will still owe next terms fees.

Let him do the mocks, then sit down and discuss his plans for next year. That can be enough to motivate him a bit more.

You don't like how you have become - then stop doing those things. Be it nagging to tidy his room etc... Drop your end of the rope.

I disagree. It’s pretty normal not to do much in the Christmas holidays! When it counts will be the spring when the actual exams are imminent and, yes, he is more likely to pull his finger out then.

Lots of support for the lazy, ungrateful brat here. It isn't his parents' fault he is tanking his exams, he is choosing to do so.

Is he even tanking his exams seeing he hasn’t taken them yet? As a PP poster said, if he was doing especially badly, the school would have let his DM know by now. The mocks, when they happen, will let him know where he is and what he needs to work on. The teachers will also put on more pressure after that.

No, you can't withdraw your child from GCSEs as a punishment. Children have a right to an education, and you can't take that away because you're angry.

For what it's worth, I did very, very little studying for my GCSEs (lots of other problems at the time). I certainly didn't do anything over Christmas. I got a mixture of grades - none excellent, but enough to get into A-levels. After a few twists and turns, I now have a PhD.

That just isn't possible. No school will accept a pupil transfer after 4 terms of GCSE syllabus.

@Feckthelotofthem this sounds really difficult for you. What have his teachers said at parents evenings?
I think you need to contact his head of year and discuss what can be done . Removing him from the school would be counter productive, although I can see why you feel so resentful about all the money you have spent on his education.

Re him moving out. I am guarantor for DD, and I think you would find it very difficult to find a landlord who would accept a 16 year old. Ignore posters who say that they moved out at 16. It is much more difficult to do this now.

As you know, your DS will have to remain in some kind of education or training until 18. So you can’t decide ‘no more qualifications or study’ once he reaches 16. Post 16 there are retakes; apprenticeships; vocational ir practical qualifications including T levels; A levels or a combination. Local colleges and sixth firms will help you and him to negotiate those choices - but they will be wider if he gets at least 4s in Maths and English, so as he needs to be in education / training fir 2 more years anyway, you might as well let him take those at least.

What are his current target and predicted GCSE grades? What can he get access to using those grades? Given that you feel he should work as well as study, what apprenticeship providers do you have locally? Do any safe affordable accommodation options exist locally or him to live in from September, with good transport options to fet him to training locations?

You need to look at this from a long term, adult perspective (because at 15 he isn’t capable of this yet), and with support from school and local colleges and other services find the best 16-18 route forward for him - if for no other reason than that vulnerable 16 year olds thrown out of the family home with no safety net are so likely to be drawn into drugs, gangs, county lines etc.

Jeez, what a horrible thing to say , making your child homeless. He is being a typical teenager. You wanted a child and you wanted him to go to private fee paying school. So what if you have to slave like cindrella? You'll have to give him extra tuition and sit down and talk to him about the consequences of his actions. You cant throw him out. He didn't ask to be born ffs.

You as a parent have a moral duty to ensure you attempt to get your child a decent education as well as a legal duty to do so.
While the law does not compel children to take exams, you as an adult know how greatly disadvantaged a child would be to have none.
His education should include the chance to take exams, even if you don't think he will bother to study enough to pass them or you haven't really done your job.

Those exams could have been free if you had sent him to a state school.

I think, having put him in this position (which was your choice as it was never in his control to choose a paying school) you have a moral duty to pay for his exams & make sure he has the chance to take them.

You don't have to pay for him to attend out of school activities, or for hobbies etc.., or to take him on holiday, but to block a child from taking his IGCEs seems an absolutely appalling choice.

You can't force him to make the most of the opportunity you have given him, but that is on him.
Your job is to give him the opportunity.

Pulling him out would be beyond shitty. Even if he just scrapes by in just maths and English it will be far better for him than 0 for the rest of his life. Tbh even failing them all but it being on him is far preferable, it will teach him something.
Punishing someone who's not revising by yanking away their schooling, is not proportional at all and completely fucked up.
If he fails currently that's on him, stripping him of the opportunity to even fail is just ridiculous