Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

He should cancel. My wife went into labour at 37 weeks. Who knows what could happen. He sounds the sort to be pissed off if you do go into labour whilst he's at golf.

How will he cope with a newborn and a young child and no precious golf?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

This is your issue. You see it as "fucking golf". He sees it as something important to him, an opportunity to practice his skills, have some fresh air and exercise, socialise, do something for himself. Surely everyone should be entitled to that once a fortnight? I'd be helping him prioritise it and finding something for yourself that gives you the same.

IME parent golfers (and runners/cyclists/natural history fans) arrange their hobbies for early on a Sunday morning so that there's still some family time. He needs to do that, but it's important for all of you (IMHO) that he does get this time - and you should too.

See if he really means he will quit golf - flog his clubs and spend it on a spa day

Why don’t you do something solo for 4h E.o Sunday?

You both sound irritable and like you need a break. Everyone needs downtime and golfing every other weekend sounds a perfectly reasonable hobby, he’s not been for weeks so no wonder he misses it. Why can’t he do his golfing in the morning then give you a bit of downtime afterwards, then you both get some time to yourselves?

I don't have a problem with him going every other Sunday. I have a problem with him lying and blaming me for why he's not been much this month, for blaming me for him not going today when I didn't once say not to and for massively kicking off at me for asking him to not go on one occasion because I'm going to be 38 weeks pregnant and will probably be shattered after 5 days trying to entertain a 4 year old whilst he's working

I'd forget about the golf and focus on the childish horrible way he is treating his pregnant wife. Has he acted this way towards you before?

Of course YANBU. You've said it's fine for him to play this weekend but want a break next. He can't even discuss it reasonably and has to resort to petty manipulation. I'd be really pissed off op.

He's being very manipulative, trying to frame things as your fault - is he always like that?

Men are so bloody selfish. You're heavily pregnant with a small child to also look after. It's Christmas. Yes, his golf schedule is going to get disrupted because he chose to have a family. What a tool.

He sounds like a monumental knob end. He has spoken to you like shit and made you cry when you are heavily pregnant. He's having a total hissy fit about going golfing when you've been more than reasonable about it. Honestly I'd hate this shit and feel extremely angry and let down. You should be his priority, not hitting a tiny ball with a stick into a hole with his mates.

YABU but from your post you won't see you are so. You say you don't complain about his golf bit clearly you make your feelings known somehow. Unsure why the pregnancy comes into it. I assume he will have his mobile with him same as he will when he goes back to work.

I think eight hours a month on a hobby is perfectly reasonable to be honest.

From his view - he decided to go golfing today having not been for weeks - which you said was fine, but seconds later you were already asking him to cancel next Sunday - I can see why that's pissed him off to be honest.

It comes across a bit like you agreed for him to go today only so you could immediately ask him to cancel next Sunday.

Immature dick head. Will be interesting how he fares as a dad of 2.

He has kicked off because he would ideally like to do whatever he wants without you 'challenging' him. It shows he feels entitled to make decisions alone and is punishing you so you shy away from challenging him next time. He is using tactics (using anger being rude and snappy to control the conversation - that is, avoid a reasonable exchange of ideas. When he controls the conversations about how family free time is spent, he will end up controlling how family free time is spent. Look up Torna Pitman, who has created a model of Conversational Control, has a you tube presentation on it and runs workshops on it too. She has some tactics for trying to get the conversation back into a constructive space.

In his eyes you have 2 weeks left. Then he will have less chance of going as you hit due date and pp...
Golf was the bane of my life with exh op.

Then maybe don't refer to it as "fucking golf"?

You may be entirely justified in all your complaints, but you're also setting this all up for yourself by making it so clear what your feelings towards his hobby are. It's something important to him, presumably somwjnw you love. Start there.

4.5 hrs next Sunday doesn't sound unreasonable tbh. His reaction is however.

The issue isn't golf. It's about showing some care to his wife who is worrying about handling childcare before giving birth...because her husband will be working or wanting to play golf during the weekend.

There would have been a compromise had the husband decided to discuss the schedule rather than play the victim card and become nasty and blaming.

Op, I guess you realise the issue isn't golf, it was fine for you to ask him not to go but equally he could have had a reasonable discussion with you so that a solution was found. Instead he has made the situation much worse and hostile.

Has he always been crap at conflict resolution? Does he usually calm down? His current reaction is very toxic and unhealthy

Golf takes up a lot of time. Presumably you are on maternity leave? I'm sure you can manage a half day next Sunday? The earliest tee time at our golf club is 6am, he would be back before the day even starts. My EX was into football. And I mean watching it. A 3pm kick off meant meeting for lunch at 12 then going for a curry afterwards usually a 13 hour event. every Saturday and most Sundays. Asking him to stop or cut down led to the divorce. Surely the compromise is take the first tee and come straight home. Has he thought about when the children are older and he has there weekend activities to supervise? I don't understand why people don't sort these things out before children are planned.

He wants to have time to himself for his hobby once a fortnight- fine. But what is not fine is him currently acting like a whiny child who hasn't got his way and trying to manipulate you into feeling like it's your fault when in fact, you've been very reasonable. Do not try to encourage him to go- say something like "I have repeatedly told you I am happy for you to go to golf this Sunday, I won't say it again. I will be doing 'X' on Sunday. You are perfectly aware I have no issue with it and I won't be mentioning it again, so it's now up to you." Then do not rise to his childish behaviour- he wants you to beg him to go so he can behave like a 10 year old. Nip it in the bud. If he goes- fine, happy days. If he doesn't, then that's on him- not you.

I don't really understand why posters are saying YABU. I get that it's his downtime and that he's not been for a few weeks, but that's on him not you. And surely when you're 37/38 weeks pregnant it's fairly obvious that looking after a young child will be tiring for you so golf comes second for a bit longer?

Turning this onto you and making the lack of hobby time is not ok. He's essentially having a tantrum!

Also when do you get downtime/hobby time if he works 5 days a week?!

*sorry making the lack of hobby time your fault is not ok. If only there was an edit button

Hobbies and free time are important for mental health ane wellbeing. I think you should find time for yourself and let him play golf.

Can he take another day off? Can grandparents/ nursery etc give you a break? Can he finish work early? Or not stop for a drink after golf? Or only play 9 holes etc. I’m married to a golfer, dominates our family life. I think the issue really is that you are heavily pregnant and tired.