Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

6am tee time would still be really dark at the moment so maybe 8am could work and not stay for a drink after playing. Should be able to be done in 3.5hrs. Is the club some drive away?

Op, I guess you realise the issue isn't golf, it was fine for you to ask him not to go but equally he could have had a reasonable discussion with you so that a solution was found. Instead he has made the situation much worse and hostile.

I suspect he knows OP hates his hobby and that's why he immediately goes on the defensive when they talk about it.

Not saying that's okay but I can see why it happens.

I mean - he knows she hates him playing golf - he's already cut back and now it feels (to him) that that isn't good enough and he can't even bring it up after several weeks off without her asking him to cancel again.

If you're constantly disparaging about someone's hobby or past time, you can't be surprised when they get defensive over it.

He loves golf - it doesn't matter if OP finds it dull as ditchwater - it's what he enjoys and I do think that needs to be respected.

Message him this. The past 3 Sundays aren’t your fault if he arranged 2 and 1 was Christmas Day.

People are not reading properly. She isn't asking him not to play golf ever. She's saying once a fortnight. Not every Sunday. Which is fair enough.

Golf is a very long hobby. Some men admit they use it as an excuse to get out of childcare for a whole day.

But really, the biggest problem is not the golf, it's the way he's speaking and treating you. Would you want a man to treat your daughter that way? Because that's what she's seeing and learning.

Has he always been like this, or is he under particular pressure just now?

Yes, exactly this and it doesn't matter how "right" OP is, the whole things leads to resentment that won't go away. So OP can be "right" or she can behave in a way that supports her marriage.

Obviously his attitude needs to change too, but perhaps it will if something important to him isn't always attacked.

Once a fortnight golf isnt the problem. It doesnt sound like he is the type who goes at 8am and is gone for the whole day. His attitude and lying is the problem. This will get worse.

i honestly think every other sunday you should be going out too, for you. You clearly need that.

I think heavily pregnant Op is the one that deserves respect. She was fine that he wanted to play tomorrow, he is now martyring himself. She asked that he not go next weekend as she herself will need a few hours r and r time. He has totally flipped his lid and is acting like a baby. He’s unlikely to be pleasant to her again until she is apologising for daring to want some time of her own and begging him to go to golf.

Can’t he get up at 6am and then be back for mid-morning? That’s what my golfing BIL does.

I can’t believe people on here think YABU. He sounds absolutely bloody horrible and I’d tell him to shove his golf clubs up his arse. Dick.

The reality is OP that we don't have enough context here to see who is really right or wrong in this situation fully. The way you have presented it it obviously seems that your DH is being unreasonable but it is also clear that your view of his pastime is not great and you are most likely showing that in indirect ways much more than you realise.

Of course you are fitting nicely into the stereotype of the "golf widow" much like the "cycling widow" and that has clearly influenced some responses to this.

What I think this is showing is that your communication between both of you needs some improvement. That's probably the thing you need to take away from this rather than seeking some kind of vindication on here.

Devils advocate here.

He’s played golf two Sundays out of five. He has booked some annual leave off when you’ve spent time together and wanted half a day to do his hobby, so you’ve had some time together where (from his perspective) you haven’t planned to do anything and he’s just been “around”.

It sounds to me like you have made negative comments about him playing golf and he’s blown up because he’s pissed off about it and it isn’t the first time. He has already (rightly so) halved his golf time to spend time with his family. Be honest with yourself - do you react negatively when he makes plans with his friends?

So I do get the frustration from his point of view.

But I also get that you’re 38 weeks pregnant as well and need extra support.

I don’t think either of you is wrong. He could certainly have handled it better but I suspect it comes from a place of frustration and built up resentment about the issue and it isn’t about one day of golf.

I really hope he apologises to you for blowing up, but I think you need a sensible conversation about why he feels controlled by you too.

Just ask him outright...

"Are you admitting to being a henpecked husband, or are you admitting to being manipulative and passive aggressive, and an outright liar, because you know damn fine I have no problem with golf today.

You do realise either one makes you spineless and unattractive? Communicate like an adult and a team player or GTFO".

But the tiredness of pregnancy is nothing compared to the tiredness and relentlessness of a small child who cannot be left unattended at all AND a newborn. He may think if op is saying she doesnt want him to go next Sunday, then that is it for golf.

presumably he does the day in the week so op gets a bit of a break.

Where are people getting the idea that the OP hates his hobby? She seems infuriated that he's refusing to have a sensible conversation about their plans as a family, but that's not 'hating his hobby' that's 'finding him winy and childish in his refusal to have an adult conversation about how to share the load of family life '.

Finding excuses for his behaviour on the grounds that he deserves a hobby is missing the point - if he responds to a reasonable request like this, then it doesn't really matter what the subject at hand is does it?

Not to mention that he could play on his week day off every week presumably, so he's really prioritising seeing his friends over spending time with his heavily pregnant wife and his child that he will barely have seen all week.

I totally agree with all of this. Exercise and fresh air is really important for mental health. He knows he's got a few months coming up when he won't be able to play so he wants to do it now while he can. I agree with his point although he has been a dick the way he's talking to you now.

Sorry, I think you're being unreasonable.

You're looking after your own child for a week (8-6) (not sure what the big deal is here?) and the reason you don't want him to go is because you'll 'probably be exhausted'?

I could understand if he wanted to go away with the boys for a golfing weekend, but 4 hours on the Sunday...

Sunrise is 8.30am. You bil plays golf in the dark?

I agree. As long as both partners have equal time for themselves it should be no problem. If people don't want to be heavily pregnant and deal with existing young children, stick to one child or suck it up. It's part of having young kids.

I don't think it's healthy that 100% of life revolves around children. This isn't good for a relationship in the long run. Both parents are still people, and need time to be themselves, do their hobbies etc. You shouldn't lose yourself just because you have a baby. They grow up and move out - what then?

Tell him to grow up. If he wants to cut his nose off to spite his face by not going today then let him. If I was you I’d grab the toddler and go out for the day and leave him to wallow. Instead of saying can you not go to golf try saying he needs to find child care as he’s playing golf in your child free time!

Message him, as he can’t interrupt then and you have it in writing, that you are happy 😊 for golf this week.
Sounds like he is getting grief from his friends, I wonder how many of them are still married with attitudes like that.

@LorenzoVonMatterhorn perhaps he could communicate this concern instead of having a tantrum?

She tried to ask him something reasonable - to hold on the hobby as she is likely to need some more support. And instead he's behaved like a child and been unpleasant about it. The reaction (and subsequent martyrdom) is still not ok.

People are making up that she is constantly disparaging about his hobby. She has asked him to cut back which he has, it seems like this has worked for the last 4 years but now they’re about to have a second baby and she’s asked that he doesn’t go for a couple of weeks to help her out.
I can’t believe people are minimising his behaviour and also the exhaustion of late pregnancy. Why the hell is it so wrong for her to ask a bit more of him?

Was he this boring when you met? Or did the golf come later. Each to their own and all that, but I know not a single golfer who could be even vaguely described as interesting or fun.

ltb, find a rower 😉. That’s a hobby that’s done and dusted early in the morning, and a six pack is par for the course (as it were).

Well then by the same logic, if he doesn’t want to support his heavily pregnant partner and parent his existing child by giving up golf for a week then he should also have decided against a second child but presumably wanted it too.

Helpful

Do you have a hobby OP? Do you get time to be a person as well as a parent?

I know PP have said this isn’t really about the golf - but as the child of parents where the mother had nothing but seething resentment for any time my father spent on his hobby…you need to resolve it asap before it starts affecting your children.

I may be projecting slightly but I remember the seemingly willing agreement for my dad to go on a Saturday afternoon…then she would spend Thursday and Friday working up to some excuse as to why there were other, more important (to her) things to be done that day culminating in a row that 50% of the time would end in him not going - because it was easier than the argument.