Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

I’d bet that his friends have cancelled so he’s now saying he’s not going, but using it as another stick to beat you with rather than admit that he’s disappointed his friends can’t make it.

Has he always been such an arsehole?

As other PP have said, this isn't about golf it's about the way he spoke to you. The passive aggressive cancelling of today is also really annoying although it's awful weather today and I bet that's the real reason!

Yes this!!

I can’t believe people are minimising his behaviour and also the exhaustion of late pregnancy. Why the hell is it so wrong for her to ask a bit more of him?

It's not, but there are ways to go about it without making it seem like it's the hobby that's the problem.

OP's partner already knows she hates him playing golf - it's obvious from her posts that she does. Continuing to focus on it isn't going to help her.

Golf is too time consuming a hobby for when you have young children and are working full time imho. It takes too long to play a full 18 and isn't suitable as an activity to take young children along. The men i know who've continued to play full rounds regularly with young kids are the selfish ones who don't do their share at home.

The few decent blokes i know who manage to keep it up: a) get up at 6am and tee off as early as possible on a saturday or sunday, bomb around and are home by 11am, or only play 9 holes and are home earlier. b) practise at a driving range for shorter spells/in the evenings when children are in bed.

They do not:
a) stop for a bacon butty in the clubhouse
b) use precious annual leave to fuck off on lads golf weekends
c) make golf a completely immoveable feast that can never be moved or cancelled for family priorities.

DH, me and friends used to play. We all now have young kids and don't manage to play much now. We know once kids are a bit older and less demanding on a weekend, we can go back to it.

Ways to go about it…like saying truthfully that they would rather they didn’t play next week as she would need support. Should she just make stuff up to keep the moody sod happy? He needs to grow up, she shouldn’t be treading on eggshells.

He goes to the driving range every night after work, he finishes work at 5 but gets home at 6 because he stops at the range on the way home. Again, I have always accepted this just like I have every other Sunday. He's happy to rearrange when he wants to make other plans, so he needs to be happy to rearrange when I need support or want to do something which I rarely ask. Yes I'm looking after my own child all week and it's not like I'm acting like I don't want to, I'm just dreading it as he's full on and goes mad cooped up at home and I'm very pregnant and not the most mobile right now so by the weekend I'm probably going to be dead on my feet and would rather him not disappear on me for half of the one day he will be around on this one occasion. How boring I find golf is irrelevant, this is the issue.

Unreasonable behaviour from him especially given the stage of your pregnancy.

Hopefully he does not become as misogynistic as all the male golfers over 40 I have ever met.

@BananaSpanner - no, but she can ask for help without bringing golf into it at all. If you clearly hate someone's hobby, asking them to give it up is never going to go down well.

Frame it differently and not from a negative or argumentative starting position, and the outcome will likely be very different.

I think generally having something that takes up a weekend day frequently isn’t great when you have small children. There’s very few women who would spend half a weekend day out doing their hobby tbh.
But - that’s probably something you can’t change now, as it’s clearly the arrangement and to stop the golf will cause a lot of friction. So on a more micro level I do think YABU. All the talk of dreading entertaining is 4 year old is a bit silly. What on earth do you do during the school hols? You surely don’t need to be off work together in order to entertain one dc?! It’s perfectly normal, pregnant or not, to spend a significant amount of time entertaining your child alone during the school holidays. You just make a plan for each day. And if he’s home at 6 it’s really not that long.
You sound tired and fed up though so I do feel for you. End of pregnancy is totally rubbish. And the golf obsession and his rudeness sound pretty painful.

Presumably he’s not stupid and would see through that in a second.

"He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school...

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, "

He drops in he's playing today - and it's no problem.
He booked the wrong annual leave and it's not a problem.
He's asked to stay at home next Sunday and rather than offer to play 9 holes or tee off early or generally look for a compromise that worked for both of them he kicks off.

And people think that's justified because he needs the fresh air etc and his life is going to be altered because he's having a baby.

It's not the Ops fault that Christmas has interrupted his golf and it takes 2 to have a child.
He should be apologising and talking to his wife - not martyring himself to guilt the Op.

I have no problem entertaining my child normally thanks, I do think being 38 weeks pregnant is relevant in terms of looking after a full on, busy 4 year old.

If you’re 30, I’ll hazard a guess that his mates aren’t fathers yet, and probably have both weekend days off too.

He’s acting like a bastard, and that’s unfair to you, but he’s also willingly agreed no golf for after the baby’s arrival when you’re recovering from a c-section (as he should!) so he was seeing these last 2 Sundays as his last chance for a while and you’ve taken one of them away. Its childish of him to react spitefully and I don’t like the sound of him much from what you’ve said about his behaviour, but basically you’re both thinking about yourselves and projecting a bit.

Anyone else close by who can help of a weekend Saturday so you don’t feel so alone with childcare when he’s working, and who might give you a bit of a break next week?

There are multiple issues here

• you've only got 1 family day a week so from your point of view, he could golf during the week instead of taking up the one family day of the week.

He needs to reasonably discuss this as it's only going to get worse with a new born

My dh used to throw similar at me about a hobby but he couldn't commit to giving me the same amount of time to do something on my own. I was always with dc unless I was working.

It's gets worse that he goes to driving range every night after work.

You need to try & have a reasonable conversation with him. How many hours a week does he spend on his hobby & how many hours a week to you get to yourself ? If the answer is zero, then he needs to commit to you getting equal time.

I bet he'll see how unreasonable he's being then ...

I agree.

I feel like shouting THE WOMAN IS 37 WEEKS PREGNANT ALL NORMAL HOBBIES AND EXPECTATIONS TAKE SECOND PLACE RIGHT NOW to everyone defending the need for the H to play golf. The fact that he presumes he's hard done by while she's GROWING A HUMAN INSIDE HER BODY makes me 😡

He's going to be alive for 80+ years probably. Is it so much to ask to prioritise his wife and small children for a fraction of those years?

I think you should get mad (hard when you’re very pregnant and easily upset) and say you will tell everyone he blames you when he books things for the family so just don’t fucking book anything for us again if you don’t want to be a family fine don’t. I’m about to have a baby, your baby, 50% yours and here you are picking arguments so you can justify fucking off on us and leaving me to it- have you ever parented a baby and toddler on your own?? You’re about to discover it every second Sunday when I go take half a day off.

basically he is escalating ridiculously so just escalate straight back and show him how pathetic he is being.

@Scalottia Do you not have children?

just to help you out here...4 year olds can't be left home alone, so childcare needs HAVE to be sorted out, the parents can't just come & go as they please.

this is not 'revolving around the children'. It's childcare, totally different.

@BananaSpanner you're missing the point.

He hadn't mentioned going golfing next Sunday at all until OP brought it up and then immediately asked him to cancel. That's never going to go down well.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Yes, of course may realise that she's trying to get him to cancel golf but it's less likely to start and argument and make him feel resentful if that decision comes from a discussion, not a one-sided request.

YABU. My DH is a golfer and throughout our long marriage, including two pregnancies/children he has played on Saturday and Sunday mornings. Then in the afternoons he cared for the children while I did what I wanted, went shopping, visited my mother etc. or we did things as a family.

He is now retired and plays three mornings a week and it is my lifeline and keeps him fit and healthy.

Let him have his hobby or you may lose him completely.

He goes to the driving range for 5 hours a week?

And he feels he's hard done by?

Hmm, I think you're both pretty unreasonable. He shouldn't speak to you like he has and out of order to blame you over the weeks he hasn't gone however I'm baffled about not having help for 5 days, surely this is normal for most people. 4 yos are not that hard to occupy, most people have at least 5 days in a row of sole care of a child each week up until they give birth so I think you're making more of this than necessary (unless you have left out some important details).

This.