Huge argument over golf. So pissed off.

[fuckinggolf]

My husband used to go to golf every Sunday but considering the fact he works 5 days including Saturdays and we have a DC in school he now only goes every other Sunday. He has one day off in the week where he's home and I'm at work and DC is in school so he can always go more then, he doesn't always choose to because that's not when his friends go, they go on a Sunday.

He last went to golf on the first Sunday in December, he didn't go the next 3 weeks because things happened to fall on every Sunday, plans with his family, a trip that he'd booked and then Christmas. He mentioned last night that he's going to go with his friends today instead and I said sure, I then asked about next Sunday and said could he be around next weekend as I'm going to need a break (he booked his annual leave wrong so he goes back to work a week before our DC goes back to school (I'm 37 weeks pregnant and dreading the thought of trying to entertain a 4 year old for 5 days with no help between 8-6pm and will probably be exhausted that weekend)

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now. I said that isn't true, it's not my fault that Christmas Day was on a Sunday and the two Sundays before yes we were doing things but both were things he arranged not me and it's convenient of him to forget that just to chuck it in my face. He wouldn't admit he was being unfair and just started ranting and raving about how he's never going to golf again, I win, controlling wife etc. I was really crying by the end of it and he didn't bother trying to resolve it or seeing if I was ok and he slept in the spare room without even coming into ours.

This morning I went downstairs and tried to just general talk to him and he was snappy and rude. I asked him what was wrong and he insisted nothing but could clearly tell. I told him I'd arranged to take DC to meet a friend for a play date but hadn't agreed a time so could time it in with his golf. He said he isn't going and when I asked why he said really sarcastically "because it's easier not to dear". I never once said a bad thing about him going today, I literallly just said ok when he told me, I only asked about next Sunday because I have 5 full days with no support in the run up and I'm going to be nearly 38 weeks pregnant at that point. I said this and he just kept repeating I'm not going. I said well text and arrange it and he just kept saying "no dear you get your way". It felt really unfair because he's going to refuse to go and then add this to his '5 weeks' where his mean controlling wife hasn't allowed him to go which is absolute bullshit and I know he's going to hold it against me. He knows we're about to have a newborn and had previously said he's fine with not going on Sundays for a couple of months unless my mums here as I need a caesarean and will be recovering but I bet that'll be thrown in my face now too.

I got upset again because he was just manipulating a genuine reason for needing help next weekend into me being this controlling bitch and completely lying about how I've been the reason he hasn't gone, yet again he didn't care that I got upset and hasn't tried to sort it out instead stormed off upstairs with his breakfast.

AIBU? I get that he's his hobby and I get that they only play on Sundays and I try and be fair with that but given Sundays are the only day we get as a family it does suck a little when he fucks off for 4.5 hours. I don't moan about it but did request it goes down to every other Sunday, but I don't find excuses every week for him to not go, I don't see being 38 weeks pregnant as an excuse?

Can't believe I'm having these arguments over fucking golf. We're 30 for gods sake!

hahaha!

I'd be very interested to know what he does with his Monday off.

Regardless of golf, he was mean, nasty, gaslighting and vindictive in the argument and since. He actively wants you to feel bad, both last night and today. When you're 38 weeks pregnant. And he says you're the mean and controlling one... Unless this is a very uncharacteristic one off and he comes apologising soon, I'd be reconsidering our future together in your shoes.

The pregnancy comes into it because she is exhausted but can’t rest as she has a 4 year old to look after. Not hard to figure out

This.

go and bugger off without the 4 year old and look after yourself 9 months pregnant with his child - he needs to give you some fucking respect and not whine about his balls not getting played with on a Sunday. What a dick.

I pay plenty of attention - and nobody in my circle has done so. There's no need to give up who you are just because you've had a child.

Lots of parents go to the gym, go running or do other sporty hobbies with young children - it just means sacrificing time as a couple, or evenings, or lie-ins for a while until the children older.

Some people prioritise time together, some people value their hobbies and time apart - neither is wrong, but when two people with differing priorities get married, it becomes a problem - as is the case here.

Like others, I think you're both a bit unreasonable here.

His reaction was way over the top and behaving in the petulant passive aggressive manner he is now is totally wrong.

It also sounds like he gets quite a bit of time to himself, and certainly compared to you, so there's an imbalance of power.

On the flip side I can understand a little about how he's thinking about the situation potentially. He has missed his usual golfing schedule for the last few weeks. And he's also agreed to stopping golfing for a few months when your second child is born. At 37 weeks pregnant, perhaps he was viewing next weekend as 'the last chance' he'll have to play for the next few months.

So in your mind you're asking him about one week - and his reaction is way over the top. But in his mind you're asking him to give up his last chance to play, against a backdrop of him not having been able to play regularly for the last month already.

And if in his mind it's already clear that you hate or resent his hobby, then it's the straw that broke the camels back.

Honestly sometimes I think some men - some - agree to have children to placate their partner. On this site you see so often posts about men checking out of family life. Not saying they are correct in doing this, because they also chose to have that child. But did they really want to? How often do people discuss this stuff before having kids? Expectations of each partner around free time, hobbies etc should be discussed and managed.

You don't see why he should look after his DS, while the OP is exhausted from doing it all week AND is growing their second child?

why should he just swan off to play with his mates, while yet again she parents THEIR child??

My dh plays cricket every single week in the summer and has done for 25 years since we met. It is the only thing he loves and lives for in the summer
I had a breakdown a few years ago and was really struggling. Without me saying a word, he took about 4 weeks off to be with me, I wold never have asked him to, but he knew I was a priority for a little while.
Your h sounds incredibly selfish not to be able to do it just once.
And no my h isnt a perfect specimen! He just understood I needed him

Sums it up perfectly!

YABU. One round of golf a couple of times per month certainly isn't unreasonable. It sounds like you have an issue with golf, maybe because it's not something you want to do yourself or maybe because you have an "image" of what it's all about.

Would you feel the same if it was a football match he went to watch, or an organised run or cycle ride?

He can't just go golfing on his other day off if the people he plays with are working mid week!

This^

Is he always this much hard work?

Christ, you don't need another man child ontop of the DC and newborn to deal with.

What a total dick he is being.

If he doesn't improve don't be lumbered with this knob and his small balls.....

It sounds like you're both stressed and irritable and have Christmas cabin fever.
Why do you need to constantly entertain your 4 year old? Can't they just have some screen time? Can they play independently? When I was heavily pregnant I used to fall asleep next to my 3 year old on a tablet. I imagine he feels like he's going to struggle to go to golf for a few weeks once the baby is here.
I think your request of him was a bit unreasonable and his reaction was over the top.

Why can't he do both? Golf in the morning, look after DC in the afternoon (or vice versa)

He also works all week - it's not like he's down the pub drinking beer all day while OP solo parents.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

He can play Mondays but chooses not to as wants to socialise.

Playing golf on your own or with strangers isn't particularly pleasurable. Of course he prefers to play with his "friends" or regular golfing buddies.

If you were into, say, tennis, would you be happy just going along to the local tennis courts and trying to find random people to play with?

This. It isn't healthy to expect someone to give up everything they love and all of their exercise/socialising/release just because they have a child. It's not good for the parent or the child for the whole of the former's life to revolve entirely around the latter.

He absolutely kicked off, called me controlling, said that I hate him going to golf or doing anything that doesn't revolve around me and our DC, that I find excuse after excuse for him to not go, it's the only thing he does for himself but fine let's both do absolutely nothing over than spend every fucking minute together because clearly he isn't allowed a single thing for himself, said that I've stopped him going to golf for 5 weeks now.

The key thing is not who is right about golf - that's a discussion for you both to have, and what's right for one couple / family will look differently for another.

But the way he is speaking to you, condescending, rude, deliberately misrepresenting the situation - is really concerning. These are the behaviours that eat away at your marriage, at your love and respect. And once this is damaged it's very very hard for it to return.

The sarcastic comments ('dear') are really awful too.

I think you need to call him out on this behaviour very clearly, and directly. If he doesn't address this, apologise & then discuss the issue reasonably, I would really have concerns about your marriage enduring, especially with two small DC.

Hope you are doing ok OP 💐

This will not be a popular opinion but OP you sound very precious. I mean imagine having to look after your child for 5 days in a row whilst being 38 weeks pregnant. Before people shout me down I was 31 and 38 weeks pregnant on my 2nd child with a 2 year old. I worked until I was 38 weeks and while waiting for the baby to be born myself and my toddler had a lovely time. We went out for walks with my fur baby and she watched TV and entertained herself when she was home. You have a 4 year old so it should be even easier. My husband worked long hours and had a 2 hour commute every day.

We all need head space and fresh air. If his is golf then so what. My kids are older now and we are so busy with activities there's rarely a day we don't have something on. But that's life. Let him golf and if you need a break take one when he's home. It's good for the soul.

I said for the first year or so. Going off to pursue your hobby is pretty difficult if you're in the full throes of breast feeding. Further down the line it's different.

Isn't your child going to be back at school? I know dates vary but if he's in school it does give you a chunk of time to yourself.

You are both being unfair IMO.
Him for saying the missed weeks were your fault when it was Christmas / events he planned (ald I totally get your point, if you don’t deny every single time it will become the truth in his narrative).
But you are also unfair to insist he could play on his other day off when his golf partners are not available. Half a day every other week is not too much to spend on a hobby!

Instead of asking him to cancel why didn’t you ask to have some time to yourself in the afternoon? I know you said you want family time but as a one off - especially after spending the holidays together?

You’d get EOW to yourself if you divorced him.

My ex was similarly selfish about his hobbies. My life became so much more pleasant when I ended the marriage.

the issue isn't golf. the issue is that he is being dishonest and manipulative and his ultimate goal with this shitty behaviour is to make you too nervous and exhausted ever to express your needs or wants again.

He sounds very immature in his response. You are heavily pregnant and facing a major operation in two weeks, as well as coping with a four year old. He had the opportunity to go out, but has chosen to act like a spoilt brat. Yes everyone needs a hobby, but two weeks before his wife’s Caesarian is not the right time. He has years to play golf.

I think you are going to end up with three children when the baby is here! I hope this gets sorted for you. Horrible to be so upset at what is an emotional time and so bad for both you and the baby. Take care.

People, men, who play golf are obsessed.
My friend split up with her dh because of golf.
He never could understand why. She rarely saw him at weekends and soon resented having 2 dc and no support.

I wouldn’t cry or explain. When he says I won’t go then you win, just reply Good, I’m glad you’ve finally seen sense.

Hes a prick.